MC please remind me it gets better

(14 Posts)
RainbowConnections Mon 08-Jul-13 19:38:18

Sorry accidental post. Just lost a long message to say I'm very sorry to read your posts.

Ladybe very sorry for your loss. It seems you are sadly too familiar with how you will feel and cope but I still hope you are getting good care right now. 5 miscarriages is just awful.

Thanks for your wise words.

I've launched straight in to TTC again but I think that if it doesn't happen I might have that big cry.

Meerkat you've had such a lot to deal with. No wonder you feel numb. So sad to lose a young cousin. But it must also be hard not to have had a chance to grieve your baby. Its difficult enough to work out how to feel about a miscarriage. Strangely I have found it harder to cope with miscarriage than some other sadder life events and deaths. I think its because like ladybe says its such a lonely experience and I find it a confusing grief. Its even difficult to recognise it as grief. I hope you have someone to talk to in RL. I think in time it would help you to be able to acknowledge your loss. x

RainbowConnections Mon 08-Jul-13 19:24:09

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Hi Rainbow and others on this thread - I'm so sorry for your losses. flowers

OP, I have only had one MC at 12 weeks (back in April) which coincided with a family member's tragic accidental death, I too don't feel as though I have grieved. I still haven't come out of the numbness. I feel guilty for grieving for the MC as the death of my 16 year old cousin feels more important, and it is, and I'm still grieving for him, IYSWIM? So I can't give you any advice or tell you it will get better but I can give you a hand to hold and a promise that you are NOT alone. I know how isolating it is, I also have a 2.6yo DS who requires all my attention and while I do my best I am finding it very hard to find my worth as a mother and as a person in general, particularly since the MC. I don't know if it will ever come back. For all our sakes, I hope so. <hugs>

Ladybee Mon 08-Jul-13 11:47:57

rainbow you're right, miscarriage IS an incredibly lonely experience. You lived your pregnancy every second from the moment you got your BFP. No one else did. No one will experience your loss or grieve it the same way. Sometimes it feels like you are the only one grieving and sometimes you will be. But you are grieving, the loss of your pregnancy, the loss of your dreams for that birth, that baby, that family at that time, and if its your first mc, the loss of innocent joy in pregnancy. Give yourself permission to grieve. If you haven't had a big snotty, railing, cry, let it happen - crying in the shower is good. It's hard when you have other children to keep going for, but if you're feeling sad while with them, and tears well up, I think it's ok to let them fall - simply saying "mummy is feeling sad. Sometimes when we're sad we cry. Mummy will feel better when she's finished crying"

I've had 5 miscarriages. I have two children (5 and 1). I had an ERPC today after finding out on Thursday that my baby's heart stopped at 10.5 weeks. The only thing I know is that I will be a bit numb for a few days, then quite sad on and off for a while and probably, if I don't get pg again within a month or so, will fall into a black hole where not much feels like something to look forward to, and then sometime after that I'll realise that I was happy for a while or enjoyed life a bit, and then I'll realise that somehow I've worked out a new way to live that allows me to carry my grief but not be weighed down by it. But it takes time.

Good luck.

amazingmumof6 Fri 28-Jun-13 17:25:41

sweetheart I'm so sorry for your losses.
I know what you mean.
Fortress of Solitude a la Superman is where we all want to be.
staying in bed is what we manage.

it's early days, you sadly know this already. It's hard and it's hard breaking.
the little baby we lost would be 4. I'm ok most days, but I'll never get over loosing her.
some days I'm fine. some days the pain is unbearable.

best advice I was given : allow yourself to grieve. every time, any time. any way.

it will be better after a while, but not yet.

sending you big hugs. x

katatonic Fri 28-Jun-13 17:00:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cosmickitten Fri 28-Jun-13 16:55:14

I was talking to my husband last night about this. We are coping, getting with life etc. But on the other hand we are changed by infertility and miscarriage.

The excitement of trying for a baby and naive joy of pregnancy will never ours again. The fear of childless is more real. It is lonely and scary. We still have hope but it not the same as before.

The heartbreaks in life shape as much as the joy I think l. But in ways that are harder to express and understand.

Right now after all the doing just the sadness is left. It is scary but I have faith it will get easier to carry with time.

RainbowConnections Fri 28-Jun-13 14:56:40

A week ago today i sat looking at an empty scan, 15 mins later i was shopping, we went to a bday party that weekend, then on holiday, on way home & tomorrow my parents visit for the weekend. And come Monday its back to normal routine. I've even been back on TTC thread. 

All of which is just to say that it feels like a little bit of me died and all around me life hasnt skipped a beat. 

I guess this is how time passes and you move on. But miscarrying is just about the loneliest thing I've ever experienced. So while i get on with RL i just want to stop and say to people who understand, or just to myself, that life is not quite the same, and to acknowledge a little bit of happiness has been lost.

RainbowConnections Sat 22-Jun-13 04:26:37

Hi. Thanks for your messages. And sorry for your experiences. I feel a bit stuck in a bleak moment and reading tonight how you have coped is really making me feel a bit better about it.

I sat in our lovely home and watched my DH do everything he could yesterday and i know how I feel about us and my life makes no sense.

There is much I can do to get through feeling like this and lots in your replies that really help me. x

Aoifebelle Sat 22-Jun-13 00:06:40

Hi rainbow,your post really resonated with me. I.ln The last year I have had a mc and a termination for medical reasons. I have no children and am 38. I soooo feel the desire to just check out and Fuck off into the sunset. For me I have been thinking about where I get my strength. Turns out work and my partner are really central to this, even though dealing with both is not easy right now, that is where I am putting my energy, and it is making me feel better. Along with being outside as much as ppssible. For me the urge to disappear is really trying to escape in inescapable, and ultimately not healthy. Soooo, I have given myself a window to just enjoy life. No TTC, no big decisions, no pressure. Right now, I feel good, which is pretty amazing considering what we have been through.
I know as soon as I have to make the what next decisions, it will get a lot tougher, but I am really feeling the benefit of just giving myself a break. I have managed to do this in my head, rather than jumping on the first plane out of here. Not saying this is the answer for you, but maybe something to think about.

icklemssunshine1 Fri 21-Jun-13 20:23:09

So sorry for your loss.

I had a MMC in Feb & still finding it hard to desk with - doesnt help that I've got a friend whose EDD is 10 days after what would've been mine so I get a constant reminder of what stage I should be at each day sad

I have a toddler too and although she has been my lifeline, being a full time working mum hasn't left me much time to grieve. I think this is one of the reasons why I'm struggling to cope with what's happened. No-one mentions my MC at all & I'm already dreading how I'm going to cope on Sept 14th when my EDD comes around.

Hope you're taking some time to look after yourself. Don't be like me. I'm known for my strength & this has back-fired as its meant I continually force a brave face when I should have asked for help a long time a go.

50degreesintheshade Fri 21-Jun-13 17:34:25

Rainbow, I know how you are feeling when you say that you just want to get away. I too wish I could escape from this nightmare I'm currently in, but my d and c is booked for 8am tomorrow morning.

I too have a 3 year old who I can't leave, a husband who works and my family are seven hours away so I have to continue with every day life.

I feel that I need to escape from this villa but since its 47 degrees outside I can't even go for a walk :-( just feeling rubbish, but I'm hoping things will improve and the tears will stop.

katatonic Fri 21-Jun-13 14:33:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainbowConnections Fri 21-Jun-13 13:47:16

Hi
I've probably posted more than my fair share with my "will I/won't I" panics over the last week, but I feel so terrible today.  MC on Weds, confirmed at EPU today. There is nothing to work out anymore, i feel so empty.

DH is being very useful with practical things. We have visitors arrive this weekend and we go on holiday Monday.

But I have a desperate longing to head off somewhere far far away by myself, to ditch everything and go. I never would because I have a 3 year old but its a strong feeling.  I love my son but nothing else in my life right now. Home feels suffocating.

Sorry, i know others here have the same experience and worse without posting poor me messages. I know it will pass but its hard to believe that just now. And actually getting pregnant is what got me out of feeling like this after last MC. Feels worse.

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