Dilemma.....on due date

[nectarini1983]

Hi lovely ladies

I lost my darling third child, a little boy, at 17 weeks pregnant in January this year. I found out at a routine midwife appointment that there was no heart beat and it sadly went on from there. I had to deliver him, chose to have him buried and have spend the last 4.5 months just trying to cope with what's happened and carry on being a happy mummy to my two healthy children. It's been the saddest and hardest thing ive ever had to go through and I dont think I'll ever feel right about it or that I wasnt cheated even though we found out there was something wrong with his placenta.

Hubby blows hot and cold about if we'll ever try agian which doesnt help any kind of healing process.

My dilemma is this...it's baby's due date next Friday 21st which has been playing heavy on my mind and heart for weeks. I know its just another day that sadly hes not with us and that that will never change but it feels such a milestone to over come. .....anyway, hubby wants me to go in to a certain large city to have a boozy lunch and celebrate his best mates 40th bday. Any other day id love to be celebrating with them but its just not what i think I should be doing.....

Just wanted some feedback on any thoughts of whether im over reacting or compromise......

[williwonti]

Think, like all things associated with thread, it is personal thing but I wouldn't/couldn't. I know if I went, I'd have a few, start blubbing and he'd regret every suggesting it. He's not wrong, you're not wrong but you've got to be realistic.

[nectarini1983]

Thanks for responding. I know, i do feel id be being disrespectful as although I can't change things, its the thought of what could have been that's so sad.

He suggested going to our baby's grave in the morning and then going out in the afternoon but I feel that would be putting a time limit on my feelings which might (more than likely) then bubble up later.

I just feel pressured not to be the one to let his mate down on his birthday. Hubby seems very black and white in that it's just a day, cant change it so get on and make a special day for his buddy.

I just feel the importance is totally being overlooked here.

[FluffyDucky]

Nectarini, big hugs to you firstly. I know it's not the same but when my mum died (very suddenly, she took her own life) the anniversary would freak me out. The 1st mothers day, birthday etc.. I found often the run up was worse than the day itself, although the day was hard, not as hard as I thought it would be.
You may prefer to decide what to do on the day, is it possible to not commit to going? Your husband may be trying to blank it out. Don't worry about the birthday, it can always be celebrated another day or another way. xx

[nectarini1983]

Thanks Fluffy. You're probably right. Its just the due date is such a focal point from when you find out you're pregnant that i guess it kind of feels like the last chapter to close in his little book.

My husband is thinking along the lines that he probably wouldn't have come that day anyway and as both our other kiddies were a week early he'd probably be here already had things been different. It just feel like it's the only finite thing I've got to hold on to.

I just want to do the right thing.

[FluffyDucky]

I know. The date is what you work towards when pregnant. I've found out today at 14 weeks ours is not going to survive so I have nothing but sympathy, ours would be due 9th Dec. Talk, keep communicating. Tell your friend, he would have to be a right *!"$ to complain! Are you talking to anyone/getting any help or a helpful ear?

[nectarini1983]

Im so sorry. It's just the worst thing in the world to happen and makes no sense when undeservings seem to pop them out for fun. Makes you feel very naive and gullible for breathing a sigh of relief at 12 weeks...

I've started seeing the womens health counsellor that I was offered at the hospital the last few weeks as feel I need to. I think it may help over time.

Have told our friends what day it falls on but doubt will get any real sympathy as get the impression they still think its same as a mc at 5 weeks or so.

If I can offer any support in the days to come please just ask. My heart goes out to you.

[FluffyDucky]

Thank you, that is very kind and I may end up coming back to you as you have been in a similar place.
Your friends will understand if they are made to (god that sounded forceful lol!) The more you talk the easier it becomes to talk about it each time, and it gets slightly less painful, I say this from previous experiences in life I have been through. If you shy away from talking about it they may think you are coping, or even 'over it'. Plus the power of a non involved ear is amazing! xx

[nectarini1983]

True, I suppose peoples expectations of when you'll be over something can be rather short.

I was so well looked after at the hospital where I delivered my little angel. I didn't think people could be so kind so I truly hope you get midwives as lovely as mine were. Id say just do what feels right and don't make any rash decisions about anything as I found I was in such a fog that I didnt know how I felt really so im glad I took my time deciding what to do.

[Bluemonkeyspots]

I found it really hard to do things that I would not have been doing if I had still been pregnant after losing my baby at 15 weeks.

I went out for a girls boozy lunch/afternoon when I would have been about 28 weeks had the worst not happened and it was a very tough day.

Things did get easier after my "due" date.

[cluxy]

Hi Nectarini, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss - I had to post as I don't think you're over-reacting at all...

I understand completely where you're coming from, I lost our baby girl at 19 weeks on New Years Day - it was her due date a couple of weeks ago, and I have to tell you it was a pretty sad day obviously, I tried to stay strong for my DS but it was really really hard, and I didn't even want to talk to any friends/family, so god knows how your DH really expects you to be able to go out and celebrate at a b'day bash the same day. I was the same as you that my DS was 5 weeks early, so realistically her due date probably wouldn't have been that exact day, but it's still a milestone no matter what anyone says. I'm sure the friend would understand if you just let them know why you're not going to be there.

Hugs to you for Friday.
xxx

[nectarini1983]

Thanks for your responses blur and cluxy. It's nice to know that I'm not being over the top about things.

Still being pressed to go out Friday as it's dh's best mate and will be good for his work to be 'networking'...just why can't it be a different day! He said we could just go for lunch with the group and then do something nice in the evening as we'd be child free for the night. Im just not gonna be in a party move and then I'd rather be closer to home.

Can I ask if you have decided to try again? And when you felt ready if you have? Its not something I've let myself really think about as hubby really not fussed and keeps making excuses not to have any more and telling me to just be happy with what weve got (which is true to a point. ) .My youngest is only 16 months so I haven't really got broody yet and probably not going there emotionally cos of hurt of what happened and fear of it happening again. Just wondered if that urge will ever come back?

[NoRainNoRainbow]

Oh op, I really feel for you, I lost my baby at 14 weeks, my due date would of been Saturday 22nd.

It's horrible. My situations slightly different, my relationship crumbled after the loss, and DS will be with his dad Friday - Sunday so I'm going away for the weekend with my best friend.

I'm thinking of planting a little bush that blooms pink flowers, on the Thursday evening before I go away to remember her by.

It's so hard, I really feel for you, unless you've been through it, it's impossible to explain to anyone.

Just do what you feel comftable with, personally I think there are pros and cons with everything you could do on this day, it'll always be sad, just let yourself feel what you need to feel.

Hand holding x

[cluxy]

I feel for you that you're being pressed to go out, I know that along the way my DH was urging me to go out when I wasn't quite up to it, and that was bad enough for me - I think he thought I needed cheering up, so maybe your DH is the same - thinking it will be good for you to go out and take your mind off it - men just have funny ways of dealing with things sometimes! I'd stick to your guns though if I was you?

I haven't really felt ready to try again yet, I do want to try at some point as I'd like a little brother or sister for DS - but we already went through one early MC years ago, and took 3 years of trying before I fell pregnant with DS, so not only am I worrying about how long it might take, I'm also petrified of having another MC - I honestly don't know how I'd get through it again (although a local counselling charity have been brilliant and although I've finally finished my sessions there, they've said they'll be there for me if I get pregnant again and am worried).

It's hard with your DH saying he doesn't want to try again, but he may change his tune - my DH said he wanted to wait for a couple of years, yet now he's the one suggesting it, whereas I'm holding back.

[nectarini1983]

Thanks norain and cluxy.

We aren't going on Friday now which is a huge relief to not have that pressure on me to put on my game face. Going to do the friend bit Saturday evening instead. Not sure what exactly we'll be doing but nice to feel I can go with the flow and what I feel I should be doing if that makes sense.

Im thinking of planting a tree or plant and maybe writing my little boy a letter? Im just trying to think that he'll always be with me and a part of me, just sadly not in the way id have wished.

Thanks for being so understanding those who have replied to me.

Its very hard to think of moving forward one day...maybe my feelings of guilt at the thought of trying again may lessen in time?! Who knows.

X

[Rebuslover]

Nectarini, I am so grateful for your thread and opening up this dialogue.
I came to the talk board today looking for reassurance that it is okay to feel this sad at this point and to remind myself that we are not the only people to have gone through this as I admit I have felt resentful recently of all the happy, innocent pregnant women at work who don't know what we have gone through.
Today is the day my twins were supposed to be delivered. They sadly passed at 22 weeks. I stupidly thought I'd be okay today, so I went to work and although probably was still useful in terms of manpower, but have been emotionally fragile all day and am so glad to be going home now!
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. Wishing you all gentle days ahead ladies, especially tomorrow for you nectarini and Saturday for you norain

[nectarini1983]

Rebuslover thanks for your response. Its hard to let go of that sense of loss and of being robbed i find even though i have ao much to be grateful for. I find it very hard as know a lot of pregnant women at the moment too, and not that id ever wish what happened to me on anyone, bit it is a bitter pill watching others breezing through pregnancy without a care in the world and especially when the babies weren't planned...but that's life I guess.

I hope you've had a peaceful evening anyway: to light candles or just think of your little angels. They're with you as much today as ever and always will be. That's what I keep telling myself about my little shining star anyway.

I'm feeling calmer tham I expected about tomorrow, think thats cos I haven't got any lressure on my to do anything that what I feel like doing now.

Just going to be a sad day of what could have been so wonderful......my little Midsomer Nights Dream.

X

[nectarini1983]

Sorry for the phone typing errors!!!

[Rebuslover]

Thank you nectarini. We did light candles but we also went to the hospital to give boxes of chocolates to the two wards that looked after us. Spoke to a few of the midwives to give our thanks for their care and kindness. Had been putting off going to give the chocolates but thought that the date was important and it was a good reason to do so.

I hope you are doing okay today and wish you a peaceful evening x

[FluffyDucky]

nectarini, I'm sorry I couldn't post on Friday, I was still pretty out of it and high from the morphine! How did Friday go and how are you feeling? I thought of you at various points when I wasn't surrounded by drug induced fog lol xxxx

[nectarini1983]

Thanks Fluffy. I thought of you too. Hope you were well looked after and are being well loved and supported? Such an exhausting experience, mentally amd emotionally, just awful.

Well Friday has been and gone. It was not as bad as id expected but think that was helped with not having the pressure of going out. It was a quiet and reflective day and I just went with the flow and did what I felt I needed to do. Just sad the thought of what could have been. Husband and parents were wonderful so that helped enormously.

Just seems a bit weird now not being on "his time" any more which is how ive felt since we lost him. Im doing ok though. Funny how life and the world just keeps on turning no matter how much you want it to stop and take note of what's happened.

Thanks for all being so caring especially when you're all dealing with your own personal heartaches. Hope everyone doing ok?

How did yesterday go norain?