Found out last night night

(60 Posts)
cosmickitten Wed 12-Jun-13 10:58:40

I had a private reassurance scan last night as I couldn't fight the feeling something was wrong. It showed by baby died at 8 weeks ( I was 11 1/2 weeks).

Had a scan at 6 and 7 weeks due to a bleed and seemed fine (a day it small but worryingly so).

This is my first pregnancy. I feel pregnant after a year of ttc. The positive test came just days before we were due to start fertility treatment in nhs.

If one more person tells me at least you can get pregnant I will scream. I want this baby!! I don't wish to return month after month of hopeless ttc.

I dont want to be feeling pregnant knowing my baby has died. I saw my gp last night who was lovely but there are appointments for the epu until late tomorrow afternoon. I dread to think how long the wait for the erpc might be.

Sorry I simply need to vent .

cosmickitten Fri 28-Jun-13 16:09:15

Thank you, I'm very disappointed in my friend. It was a hugely thoughtless thing to send me. I'd always credited her with more intelligence and empathy.

RainbowConnections Fri 28-Jun-13 13:23:40

Both incredibly insensitive and annoying. I am both pro-choice and very very sad about the loss of my pregnancies. My MCs were earlier than yours and never just a bunch of cells. I've been very careful how i have talked about MCs to a friend who had an abortion years ago as i didnt want to cause her sadness by talking about losing babies and didnt want her to think because i am sad i in any way judge her decision. So i think you can expect at least as much sensitivity from your friend.
Hope you are keeping ok.

cosmickitten Fri 28-Jun-13 11:37:18

Another vent, it's been a morning of emotions. Took another pregnancy test and it was negative feel sad, negative and hopeful all at once.

I've also had a row with a close friend. She know all my history re infertility and miscarriage. Yet she posted a link to 'a brilliant' article which to summarise said that having a miscarriage taught the author that it was just tissue not a baby. This means said author is now pro choice.

The article mad me so angry as for many women miscarriage is a baby. My scan looked very much any other scan announcing a pregnancy on Facebook. But there was no heartbeat.

Miscarriage and abortion get such poor coverage and crappy 'it happened to me l, I feel like this, so it's that way for all women' pisses me off. Both issues deserve better coverage.

For record I am and have always been very pro choice. But the 'miscarriage is nothing so abortion is nothing' enraged me. Far far too simplistic for both issues.

But I'm more hurt by my friends thoughtlessness. To be fair it wasn't a huge row. I explained I was upset by her lack of thought over timing. And pointed out that the said 'amazing' insightful article was infact a personal story written to generate responses rather than a proper pro life debate. One experience, one view doesn't explain either issue. I feel devastated by the loss of my baby that doesn't make me more right than the author. But it does mean I can expect a little thought from those closest to me in the first fortnight.

Rant over that feels better on here than in my head!

cosmickitten Tue 25-Jun-13 08:50:09

Thank you Tomkat, the period between the erpc being over and my body being 'normal' feels so long. The bleeding, hormones (and it my case much bigger boobs) are all reminders. It helps to hear that as time passes it gets easier. Logically of course I know that, but it still helps a huge amount to hear from others who've sadly been through the same.

This has become a space vent, without it all these emotions would be stuck inside me.

Tomkat79 Mon 24-Jun-13 15:46:33

Hi cosmic

I remember feeling just like you. Just hang on a few more weeks and all will come right. I bled for about 10 days post op, 3/4 weeks for a BFN and then AF a month later. It feels like forever and everytime you pee and look down at your knickers and there it is...a constant reminder of everything you've been through.

Stay away from Google scare stories. Don't forget that thousands of people have this procedure and they will never post to the Internet how wonderful it was...you will only ever read the horror stories. I'm sure if anything hasn't been straightforward then the surgeon would've said.

You've been through so much. Your body needs time to realign and sort itself out. It will happen I promise.

In the meantime just be very kind to yourself. Take the day, push through every hour knowing that you are going to be just fine. It is such an emotional rollercoaster but 8 weeks on I can honestly say I feel brighter and I'm sure you will too xxx

cosmickitten Mon 24-Jun-13 11:46:33

So 11 days post erpc and I'm still bleeding. Not heavily so it's nothing to worry about but I'm fed up. I want a bubble bath, a relaxing swim, to use tampons, my sex life back.

In short I want my body to allow me to start to return to normal. I want the hormones gone, a pregnancy today was still strongly positive. I knew it wouldn't be likely to be -ve but I'd hope it would be fainter. It seems a lifetime away that, that strong +ve seemed like the best sight in the world.

Sorry I'm venting, I know it's early days but I'm impatient for the physical side to end. The fact that it could be days before the bleeding stops, weeks before the pregnancy hormones go and possibility months before my period returns to normal, feel so hard. I guess I just have to get through it.

icklemssunshine1 Fri 21-Jun-13 16:20:46

Definitely stop reading the horror stories. From my own research though its the old procedure of a D&C that can cause infertility as its more invasive than an ERPC. The same could be said about C-sections though!

Try to think positively. (Harder said than done I know). Some people on here have recommended acupuncture. Not sure whether that's something you'd like to look into.

cosmickitten Fri 21-Jun-13 09:45:57

Think I need to step away from google. Keep seeing articles about erpc causing scar tissue that infertility. I knew that it was risk factor but I hadn't realised how high.

It took 14 months to get pregnant last time. I'm now getting worried I've made a dreadful mistake and mucked up my fertiliy even more. Erpc seemed like the only option I could cope with last week. Trying to hold onto the knowledge it was right choice.

icklemssunshine1 Wed 19-Jun-13 16:50:50

Just trying to take each day as it comes. Feel terrible for avoiding her but sometimes I just can't face the bump & thinking I should be at that stage too sad

Be prepared for the hormonal crash. I wasn't. I had some very black days (prob day 5-8 after ERPC) & I just stayed in bed sobbing. I'd never experienced depression before & really couldn't face even getting up in the morning - Beth difficult with a full time teaching job & a toddler. Then one day I woke up feeling normal, still sad, but normal. Hope that makes some kind of sense. If you do have those dark days try to be logical about it although I know that's difficult & keep posting here.

Big hugs.

cosmickitten Wed 19-Jun-13 13:10:54

Ickle I'm so sorry for your loss. The situation with your friend sounds so heartbreaking for you. It must take so much strength.

I'm feeling very tired and emotional, I m guessing this the drop in pregnancy hormones. Looking forward to returning to normal cycles. Hope it takes weeks not months.

icklemssunshine1 Tue 18-Jun-13 14:11:55

Cosmic, I truly feel your pain & its heartbreaking. I had a MMC & ERPC in Feb & found out 3 days later my friend & colleague is expecting twins - 10 days after my EDD. It's getting harder & harder to be around get with get very pregnant belly. I work with her & our DD's were born within 6 days of each other & go to same nursery so I can't really avoid her. Overheard her moaning about how hard it is bring pg with twins y'day. Wanted to scream "at least you are bloody pg!"

Since the ERPC there have been 5 pg announcements amongst my friendship group. Each cuts me yet I plaster a smile. It's almost as if my MC never happened, even DH doesn't talk about it & I want to! I think that's been one of the hardest things.

Coming on her & having a vent once in a while helps smile

Hope you're coping as best as you can.

cosmickitten Tue 18-Jun-13 11:47:12

Thank you again for reading my post and all your kind words.

Baking - I know you are right my friend meant no harm, he is trying to cheer me up just like he did when we were students. He is lovely but has always been sufferer of foot in mouth. So I have thanked him for being kind but asked if he can keep in touch via text or email for a few days. That will protect me from the worst foot in mouth. On balance I think the bigger problem was the invite to spend a long weekend with him and his heavily pregnant partner. The idea of spending lots of time with bumps and babies feels very hard right now.

I feel guilty as lots of my close friends are pregnant or have newborns, I don't want to bring my saddness to their happiness. I know I can fake it, till I make it (after a few more days grace) for a hour or so but not 3 days. This particular friend lives along way away so short visits aren't an option. I feel bad that I can't share his happiness in the way he wants and cross that I can't figure out it might be hard on us (just days after lossing a baby). We will look after ourselves and offer support and celebrations in ways that are easiest for us. Short visits, buying gifts online etc. We will do our very best not to let our grief come out at others happy times, but I we won't do anything that feels too hard.

Squizita-thank you for your message, at 33 it helps to see the sane side written down, as the daily mail womb of doom is running around my head a lot right now.

All in all I'm ok as can I be. Pysically I feel tired and crampy but really not too bad. Emotionally I feel sad but I will not let infertility and misscarrige define me. No idea how I will achieve that goal yet, but I will find a way.

Keeping busy will be challenge for, I have been doing supply teaching for the last year (to reduce stress and give flexibility for fertility treatment). Which was a great plan but not being able to work post bleed and post misscarriage has made me rather unpopular with agencies and schools. They want someone who is free whenever they want. Realistically it unlikely I will get work until mid September.

We are so lucky that money isn't a huge an issue but that's a long time at home wth my thoughts. So I'm trying to find a few weeks of volunteer work to keep me busy and sane. I just have to hope it will get better, for me and all of us x

squizita Mon 17-Jun-13 13:57:03

There IS nothing right to say about MC. That is one of the difficult things. I have had 3 MCs and know that some women who have had 1 would find the way I am 'matter of fact' about some practical elements deeply hurtful. I have heard other women become angry when things which comforted me have been said because to them it was not a comfort - and vice versa (e.g. to me it is a comfort that my triplody baby only lived as long as s/he did because I know s/he would not have survived and it would have been worse to lose him/her later. But to other women this sounds crass or disloyal). There is no right and wrong answer you just have to take time and approach it in the way that feels best for you.

One thing I would mention though... with regards to age. MC risk rises slightly after about 36 years of age (and only gets to 40-50% risk at about 41-2) but even then most women succeed. I did see a comment about 33 being 'past it' - this is actually lower than the average 1st baby age in many parts of the country. I only say this because I have read so many early-30s-women in absolute fits of anxiety about being 'too late' when medically this isn't the case. The miscarriage association have excellent factual information about age and miscarriage.
Yes this is a touchy point for me. I am a recurrent MCer and before speaking to professionals blamed my age (33-34 when losses occurred) and had real panic attacks about turning 35. Since speaking to experienced consultants and the miscarriage association they assured me that whilst risk increases slightly towards the end of the 35th year, early 30s is by no means past it or the predominant cause of MC.

xXjunebugXx Mon 17-Jun-13 12:41:06

Cosmickitten, how are you getting on? I hope you are OK x

RainbowConnections Sun 16-Jun-13 14:12:02

Really insensitive comments. Its hurtful but people just don't know how to deal with miscarriage. To be honest, i still struggle finding the right things to say, while other ladies share their wisdom.

Definitely don't worry about how others think you should be, esp. re getting back to normal quickly. Trying to meet expectations made things worse for me. Do things in your own time.

x

Bakingtins Sat 15-Jun-13 21:14:30

It's one of the odd things about MC that the baby wasn't real to anyone but you and your DH, and it's a bit of a taboo subject so people who haven't experienced it don't seem to have the emotional vocabulary to deal with it sensitively. There's a need to find a positive like being able to go out drinking, when there really aren't any positives.
If he's well meaning but thoughtless, try to find it in your heart to forgive him, but absolutely correct his expectations of what will be helpful to get you through a very sad time.

cosmickitten Sat 15-Jun-13 20:55:32

I'm coming on here to vent. One if my oldest friends has called to see how I am. Which is lovely but........to cheer me up he is trying to arrange for dh and me to visit him and heavily hus pregnant girlfriend for weekend. ASAP to cheer us up now its over.

I stopped him mid flow excitedly chatting about the beer we could share now. Pointed out that everything is very raw and I will not be making plans for a while.

I know him well enough to know this thoughtlessness isn't meant nastily. But does world really expected me to be back normal already?

cosmickitten Sat 15-Jun-13 15:45:07

ellie I'm so sorry that on top of losing your baby this is happening to you. I have been very very fortunate to receive outstanding care from the nhs. It is totally wrong that you are not having the same. It makes me so angry.

I wish I knew how to help. There is an excellent thread on helping to deal the physical side of miscarriage. Which may be helpful. As epu is likely to be closed is there an out of hours service you can use for help / advice? Again I'm so sorry x

Ellie54278 Sat 15-Jun-13 15:13:04

Like you I found out yesterday that it looks like mine died around 5 weeks. I ended up at EPU yesterday as I'm meant to be 10 weeks and had period like cramps. Spent the day being shunted around, being asked the same questions and then at the end nothing just told to go home and come back if I started bleeding or the pain got too bad. Feel totally isolated and scared. Spent from 2am-6am in what I think labour pains must feel like but without the proper pain relief. I'm desperately hoping I can hang in till Monday then goin to pay to go to a private hospital to get the pregnancy removed as I can't bear being left like this for another week. I hope you get better treatment. My mum said it her day when a miscarriage was confirmed it was dealt with straight away, I can't believe they just leave you and you don't get told what to expect. My thoughts are with you.

Liskey Sat 15-Jun-13 12:35:45

Oh Cosmic sorry to hear that.

I'd tell him that you need to keep talking to each other and lots of hugs.

It is horrible for him too as he's had to watch you go through the physical pain of this and he probably thinks he can't show you he's suffering emotional as well.

Best wishes to you.

cosmickitten Sat 15-Jun-13 09:22:40

My husband is being strong me, his words. The only thing he has said since yesterday it that he misses our baby. But I can hear him crying in the bathroom right now. How do I get hm to let me support him too?

Liskey Sat 15-Jun-13 08:32:43

Cosmic so sorry to hear your story. That was me 4 years ago, we'd been Ttc for a year so it was devastating when I had a scan and had mmc. The scanner was totally insensitive and said at least it shows you can get pregnant - I was so upset by that.

Hope you and your DH take care of each other and have some time to grieve. I shut my DH out for a bit after my mmc and wish so much now I'd been more open about how upset I was.

We do have DD now so please don't lose hope.

RainbowConnections Sat 15-Jun-13 08:22:25

cosmic sorry this is such a sad time and that you've lost your baby. Sending you my love. I hope you are being looked after. x

cosmickitten Fri 14-Jun-13 22:32:10

I feel do strange and empty. All the hopes and dreams for the future feel like shadows from some else's story.

RainbowConnections Fri 14-Jun-13 17:37:57

So glad they are taking good care of you. xxx

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