Found out last night night

(60 Posts)
cosmickitten Wed 12-Jun-13 10:58:40

I had a private reassurance scan last night as I couldn't fight the feeling something was wrong. It showed by baby died at 8 weeks ( I was 11 1/2 weeks).

Had a scan at 6 and 7 weeks due to a bleed and seemed fine (a day it small but worryingly so).

This is my first pregnancy. I feel pregnant after a year of ttc. The positive test came just days before we were due to start fertility treatment in nhs.

If one more person tells me at least you can get pregnant I will scream. I want this baby!! I don't wish to return month after month of hopeless ttc.

I dont want to be feeling pregnant knowing my baby has died. I saw my gp last night who was lovely but there are appointments for the epu until late tomorrow afternoon. I dread to think how long the wait for the erpc might be.

Sorry I simply need to vent .

cosmickitten Wed 19-Jun-13 13:10:54

Ickle I'm so sorry for your loss. The situation with your friend sounds so heartbreaking for you. It must take so much strength.

I'm feeling very tired and emotional, I m guessing this the drop in pregnancy hormones. Looking forward to returning to normal cycles. Hope it takes weeks not months.

icklemssunshine1 Wed 19-Jun-13 16:50:50

Just trying to take each day as it comes. Feel terrible for avoiding her but sometimes I just can't face the bump & thinking I should be at that stage too sad

Be prepared for the hormonal crash. I wasn't. I had some very black days (prob day 5-8 after ERPC) & I just stayed in bed sobbing. I'd never experienced depression before & really couldn't face even getting up in the morning - Beth difficult with a full time teaching job & a toddler. Then one day I woke up feeling normal, still sad, but normal. Hope that makes some kind of sense. If you do have those dark days try to be logical about it although I know that's difficult & keep posting here.

Big hugs.

cosmickitten Fri 21-Jun-13 09:45:57

Think I need to step away from google. Keep seeing articles about erpc causing scar tissue that infertility. I knew that it was risk factor but I hadn't realised how high.

It took 14 months to get pregnant last time. I'm now getting worried I've made a dreadful mistake and mucked up my fertiliy even more. Erpc seemed like the only option I could cope with last week. Trying to hold onto the knowledge it was right choice.

icklemssunshine1 Fri 21-Jun-13 16:20:46

Definitely stop reading the horror stories. From my own research though its the old procedure of a D&C that can cause infertility as its more invasive than an ERPC. The same could be said about C-sections though!

Try to think positively. (Harder said than done I know). Some people on here have recommended acupuncture. Not sure whether that's something you'd like to look into.

cosmickitten Mon 24-Jun-13 11:46:33

So 11 days post erpc and I'm still bleeding. Not heavily so it's nothing to worry about but I'm fed up. I want a bubble bath, a relaxing swim, to use tampons, my sex life back.

In short I want my body to allow me to start to return to normal. I want the hormones gone, a pregnancy today was still strongly positive. I knew it wouldn't be likely to be -ve but I'd hope it would be fainter. It seems a lifetime away that, that strong +ve seemed like the best sight in the world.

Sorry I'm venting, I know it's early days but I'm impatient for the physical side to end. The fact that it could be days before the bleeding stops, weeks before the pregnancy hormones go and possibility months before my period returns to normal, feel so hard. I guess I just have to get through it.

Tomkat79 Mon 24-Jun-13 15:46:33

Hi cosmic

I remember feeling just like you. Just hang on a few more weeks and all will come right. I bled for about 10 days post op, 3/4 weeks for a BFN and then AF a month later. It feels like forever and everytime you pee and look down at your knickers and there it is...a constant reminder of everything you've been through.

Stay away from Google scare stories. Don't forget that thousands of people have this procedure and they will never post to the Internet how wonderful it was...you will only ever read the horror stories. I'm sure if anything hasn't been straightforward then the surgeon would've said.

You've been through so much. Your body needs time to realign and sort itself out. It will happen I promise.

In the meantime just be very kind to yourself. Take the day, push through every hour knowing that you are going to be just fine. It is such an emotional rollercoaster but 8 weeks on I can honestly say I feel brighter and I'm sure you will too xxx

cosmickitten Tue 25-Jun-13 08:50:09

Thank you Tomkat, the period between the erpc being over and my body being 'normal' feels so long. The bleeding, hormones (and it my case much bigger boobs) are all reminders. It helps to hear that as time passes it gets easier. Logically of course I know that, but it still helps a huge amount to hear from others who've sadly been through the same.

This has become a space vent, without it all these emotions would be stuck inside me.

cosmickitten Fri 28-Jun-13 11:37:18

Another vent, it's been a morning of emotions. Took another pregnancy test and it was negative feel sad, negative and hopeful all at once.

I've also had a row with a close friend. She know all my history re infertility and miscarriage. Yet she posted a link to 'a brilliant' article which to summarise said that having a miscarriage taught the author that it was just tissue not a baby. This means said author is now pro choice.

The article mad me so angry as for many women miscarriage is a baby. My scan looked very much any other scan announcing a pregnancy on Facebook. But there was no heartbeat.

Miscarriage and abortion get such poor coverage and crappy 'it happened to me l, I feel like this, so it's that way for all women' pisses me off. Both issues deserve better coverage.

For record I am and have always been very pro choice. But the 'miscarriage is nothing so abortion is nothing' enraged me. Far far too simplistic for both issues.

But I'm more hurt by my friends thoughtlessness. To be fair it wasn't a huge row. I explained I was upset by her lack of thought over timing. And pointed out that the said 'amazing' insightful article was infact a personal story written to generate responses rather than a proper pro life debate. One experience, one view doesn't explain either issue. I feel devastated by the loss of my baby that doesn't make me more right than the author. But it does mean I can expect a little thought from those closest to me in the first fortnight.

Rant over that feels better on here than in my head!

RainbowConnections Fri 28-Jun-13 13:23:40

Both incredibly insensitive and annoying. I am both pro-choice and very very sad about the loss of my pregnancies. My MCs were earlier than yours and never just a bunch of cells. I've been very careful how i have talked about MCs to a friend who had an abortion years ago as i didnt want to cause her sadness by talking about losing babies and didnt want her to think because i am sad i in any way judge her decision. So i think you can expect at least as much sensitivity from your friend.
Hope you are keeping ok.

cosmickitten Fri 28-Jun-13 16:09:15

Thank you, I'm very disappointed in my friend. It was a hugely thoughtless thing to send me. I'd always credited her with more intelligence and empathy.

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