5weeks on and NOW I get upset

(6 Posts)
Bakingtins Thu 21-Mar-13 18:24:29

Christine maybe you should plan something to say goodbye. There's a reason we have a funeral/wake when someone dies - it's a way to allow everyone to move through the grieving process, say a sad goodbye and move on. (I hope that isn't minimising anybody's bereavement experiences). The problem with miscarriage is there is no recognition of the loss.
With my first MC I wrote a prayer and dedication for the cremation at the hospital (didn't attend) and the remembrance book, then chose a piece of jewellery to remind me of the baby. After a couple of months I felt I was just carrying a reminder of the sadness around, so I had a little ceremony (just by myself) and threw the jewellery into the sea at a beauty spot. For MC2 I dug over a section of my garden (furious digging is very therapeutic) and planted it with plants linked to remembrance or to the names I'd been considering for both babies, that flower around the times of the anniversary and due dates.
For MC3 I cried buckets initially and at the moment don't feel the need to do anything, but I'm sure it will feel appropriate at some point. Maybe the garden needs a new addition. I was thinking of including engraved pebbles with the dates of the MC on them, but can't decide if it might attract comment. I saw a beautiful garden at a hospice that had an engraved stone for each person that had died there in a dry river bed.
The other ideas I've seen mentioned include releasing a balloon or lantern, planting a tree, writing a letter or poem, buying a rememberance piece of jewellery/plant pot/statue. Lighting a candle for the baby on any significant dates and spending a bit of time thinking about her.
I also bought a baby-related charity gift to mark the due date.

I don't think it matters what you do, but if it is a meaningful way of saying goodbye and laying your grief down you will feel better for it.

ChristineDaae Thu 21-Mar-13 16:00:37

Thanks for your replies. Mama that sounds beautiful. I had it in my head that because I had seen our baby, they should have a name. I did feel a lot better once I had named her but I just have this huge anger now! I'm still to really sit and cry, which is weird because usually I'm a massive crier. There's been a few times iv had a little tear or 2 (both times I found out about pregnant friends) but other fan that, nothing.

Bakingtins Thu 21-Mar-13 10:16:37

I'm 2 weeks on this time and still feel pretty numb. I think you just go into survival mode to cope at the time and then the loss hits you some time later. I think Mamma's advice to do something to say goodbye is a great idea.
Mamma all the best for the safe arrival of your rainbow baby.

MammaCici Thu 21-Mar-13 10:13:31

I had a m/c at 10 weeks last March when DS was 17 months old. I know this wouldn't be for everyone but what I found helpful was writing a letter to the baby on special paper I had left over since our wedding. I did this a couple of weeks after the m/c and it was the first time I really cried. I put it in an envelope with some small items (a crystal, a flower etc.) and we as a family went for a walk into the woods and had a little ceremony. I buried the envelope and items and lit some candles. I spoke to the baby and told them that they were wanted and loved and that I hoped he/she would come back to me.
I did spend the coming months looking at pregnant bellies and imagining what should have been. I found it particularly intense if the pregnant belly was accompanied by a toddler my sons age. My ultimate goal was to get pregnant again before my previous due date. I had a chemical pregnancy in July but I got my sticky bean the next cycle. My baby is due in May and so far so good. Although I have been more nervous with this pregnancy.
I just want to say to you that it is important to grieve the loss of your baby. Acknowledge his/her existence and grieve. I found writing the letter really theraputic because I finally let my emotions go. If you write a letter you could keep it, or bury it or even burn it. Expressing how I felt really helped me move forward.
Wishing you healing and brighter times ahead. xxx

MrsSpencerReid Wed 20-Mar-13 22:29:29

I'm feeling similar, I think I coped we'll when it was happening, now, 4 weeks on I'm a mess, sorry I don't have any advice, just wanted you to know you weren't alone, be kind to yourself

ChristineDaae Wed 20-Mar-13 22:26:36

Had a miscarriage at9 weeks 5weeks ago. I was pretty ok about the whole thing and everyone just moved on. Now, I feel horrible. I keep thinking about it sad doesn't help that 2 of my friends who were pregnant at the same time as I had my daughter are now both pregnant, one due right around when I should have been, the other a few weeks later.
I just feel really rubbish but because I shrugged it off when it happened everyone just assumes I'm fine, and I'm annoyed at myself for not being sad
Sorry just having a crap day and needed to get it out sad

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