Why won't my friends mention my miscarriage?

(17 Posts)
Chocolateporridge Thu 14-Mar-13 13:53:52

I'm miscarrying this week and most of my friends know. Some have been very supportive and some have absolutely refused to mention it and it really hurts. For instance I needed someone to watch my dd today so I asked a friend, who has not texted or phoned or anything, if she'd let my dd come round to play with her dd (same age). So she picked her up, sent a couple of texts back and forth and invited me in when I went back to collect dd, but through the whole process she did not offer one word of sympathy and acted like nothing was different, even when she could see I was upset.

She's not the only one and I just can't understand it but I really need to as it's upsetting me so much.

littlehalo Thu 14-Mar-13 14:09:16

Oh I'm so sorry. It sounds trite but I've learned the hard way that it is episodes like this which teach us who our friends are. True friends would put your need for comfort, support and kind words above their own feelings of awkwardness.

But there is plenty of time in the future to reflect on these friendships, right now just focus on your emotional and physical needs. Wishing you all the very best. x

Eskino Thu 14-Mar-13 14:18:12

She didn't even ask if you were alright??

Eskino Thu 14-Mar-13 14:18:34

ARE you alright?

Sometimes people can act in the way they think they'd like others to act if it were them going through it iyswim?
Or maybe she doesn't understand how horrendously upsetting it is or didn't want to go into it with your DD around? Or was embarrassed or unsure of what to say 9some people just aren't good at handling emotional stuff, although will give practical support).

That sounds like i'm trying to excuse her not mentioning it - I'm really not, just trying to give possible explanations as to why she would seem like she doesn't care.

Hope you will be ok x

As ok as you can be, i mean. x

Bunbaker Thu 14-Mar-13 14:37:28

I wouldn't know what to say other than asking if you were OK and what I could do to help.

Some people genuinely don't know what to say and feel that mentioning the subject might be more hurtful. It has nothing to do with how good a friend is.

I am a bit shock at how it all happens these days. Both my sister and I have had miscarriages and we weren't left to get on with it for several days without medical intervention, but that was several years ago.

I hope you feel better soon.

fieldfare Thu 14-Mar-13 14:41:31

Maybe she just doesn't know WHAT to say, as nothing she can say can possibly make you feel better.

It's not a measure of how good a friend she is, there are lots of things that could be influencing her not to say anything - fear you'll become tearful and upset, her own past history, not knowing what to say.

I personally don't like talking about it, as I'll very likely burst into tears over whomever is being nice to me.

I hope you're as ok as possible.

Marrow Thu 14-Mar-13 14:45:57

I think people are just scared of upsetting you. What they don't realise is that talking about it is not going to upset you anymore than you already are but it might help.

I have had four pregnancy losses. Out of all the reactions I had over the years it is my sil's to my last loss that I really remember. She just phoned me and said "I'm so, so sorry you've lost your baby." The fact she referred to it as a baby and not MC was very comforting ( no one else dared mention the word baby) and I felt like she really understood me and what I was going through.

I'm so sorry you've lost your baby and I'm glad that you have some friends that are being supportive for you.

MammyKaz Thu 14-Mar-13 14:56:16

Some people do just find it too awkward a topic to broach, & possibly think that you may not want to actually discuss it either. Maybe having your DD is her way of showing support?
I've had 3 mc's & tbh couldn't talk about what I felt until I actually had DD. my friends made it clear they were there but none broached a very emotional subject directly.
I too am very sorry you have lost your baby. Be kind to yourself & focus on your needs, talk to those that you feel comfortable talking to. If its still on your mind after a few days/weeks & you want to then raise the subject. But there's plenty of time for that.

Welovegrapes Thu 14-Mar-13 15:00:41

Very sorry to hear you have lost your baby sad

When I had my mc I found the same - I think people just don't know what to say. They don't mean to be unkind.

Un MN hugs to you.

xx

Bakingtins Thu 14-Mar-13 17:06:08

I think many people just don't know what to say, and in fear of saying the wrong thing say nothing at all. I guess your friend is a "doer" and offering practical help is her way of showing that she cares about you.
I had my 3rd MC last week and my mum has just been to stay for 3 days and totally avoided the subject, but she has entertained my DS, babysat so we could go out for a meal and taken my older son to school today so we could attend a hospital appointment. It would mean so much to me if she'd talk about it but it's not in her nature. Luckily I have friends who've been through it and are quite happy to listen to me wittering on, and having the board as a place to let it out is very helpful. I've chosen not to tell quite a lot of people that I see on a regular basis, as actually being able to feign some sort of normality makes it easier to get on with life. I'm someone who can outwardly carry on pretty normally, but talking about it does make me upset, so unless you can cope with a tearful conversation, best not to even start!
The only thing people can say really is "I'm so sorry, it's really shit that you lost your baby, is there anything I can do to help?"
I hope you do have some friends who are prepared to risk upsetting you and ask the question. People who really are prepared to hear how you are turn out to be few and far between in this situation.

Chocolateporridge Thu 14-Mar-13 20:16:03

It's amazing what a wealth of wisdom there is among my fellow mumsnetters, thank you all so much for your kind and well-thought out words.

littlehalo you are so right, there's no point getting myself wound up about it just now, I'll give it time and that way I give my friends a chance to show their true metal, its very early days yet. No, eskino she didn't even say "are you ok?* (and I'm not, but I will be) but maybe, as beertricks pointed out, she is embarrassed as well as some of my other friends. Bunbaker's right too and fieldfare, I can't make permanent judgements about my friends based on their reactions because it really is awkward to know what to do for the best I suppose, say nothing and upset someone or say something and still risk upsetting someone.

marrow that was lovely of your sil, it doesnt matter how many weeks you are when you lose, that little bean is still a baby to you and it feels so important to me that my friends understand that.

mammykaz she didn't offer anything, she didn't even text, I had to ask her to babysit out of necessity confused, but you're right, I'll leave things just now and if it still upsets me later down the line then maybe I'll say something. bakingtins talking about it does upset me but I feel that its a good kind of upset, its a way of acknowledging and dealing with my sadness, although I know that we all deal with things differently. I don't want to pretend normality yet, I need to deal with the fact that it has happened, at the moment I feel kind of detached from myself.

welovegrapes your un MN hugs are very much appreciated smile

I hope that my experiences will make me into a more sympathetic friend, although hopefully none of my rl friends will go through this themselves.

EuroShaggleton Fri 15-Mar-13 14:27:43

I'm so grateful for these boards. All but one friend IRL have been rubbish (just not contacting me). I'm sorry for your loss.

Shellywelly1973 Fri 15-Mar-13 20:34:46

I found people ignore it or appear awkward around me since i had my mc.

Marrow, your so right! No one has mentioned an actual baby. My sister has come the closest. I met my sister today. We're very close & i referred to the baby as she, my sister agreed & told me she thought of the baby as a girl. I helped IYSWIM?

It hurts so much when your going through such a horrible experience & those around you are crap!

Take care of yourself. MN has been my greatest form of support...Thankyou MN. x

Sorry for your loss op thanks.
I found this, except for one close friend & my sister, no one mentions my mc or acknowledges me having lost a 'baby', and my mum shocked me most of all with hurtful comments and expecting up on my feet & over it in a day.
Sometimes its best when nothing is said sad, atleast then you cannot be further hurt than you already are.
Your baby means something to you & that is what's important.
Take care & get lots of rest ((hugs))

Sorry for your loss op thanks.
I found this, except for one close friend & my sister, no one mentions my mc or acknowledges me having lost a 'baby', and my mum shocked me most of all with hurtful comments and expecting up on my feet & over it in a day.
Sometimes its best when nothing is said sad, atleast then you cannot be further hurt than you already are.
Your baby means something to you & that is what's important.
Take care & get lots of rest ((hugs))

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