Too sad for AIBU, but AIBU?

(15 Posts)
WillSantaComeAgain Wed 27-Feb-13 20:43:52

posting here as I'm feeling extremely emotionally fragile and I know I am BU, so need some practical support / recommendations on how to deal with this. In the week that would have been my EDD for a mmc at 12wks, I have just had an ERPC following a second mmc. Oh yes, DH also away with work. i was doing ok last week but have been the opposite of ok this week.

So my friend has been lovely and arranged a babysitter for DC1 so we can go on a lovely girls night out (first in an age) next week - tickets to a concert then out for drinks. Only she has now invited a pregnant friend to join us. I just don't think I can cope with it- I was struggling with pregnant women even before mmc2 last week. I can't ask her to uninvite her, so i just need to man up and realise it won't be as bad as think it will be? I really want to go to this concert so me not going will be just as bad. How do I get through it?

Oh god, why is it so hard?? When will it get easier? sad

I don't have any advice, just bumping this up and maybe someone more useful will come along!

BlackholesAndRevelations Wed 27-Feb-13 23:26:11

Personally I wouldn't go. I'd explain to the non-pregnant friend that I couldn't face seeing pregnant one, and if she's a good friend (which it sounds like she is) she will understand. You are NOT being U at all. So sorry to hear your news. Take care of yourself x

BlackholesAndRevelations Wed 27-Feb-13 23:27:35

Oh just read that you really want to go... Hmm not sure then! -<useful>

flowers

RubyrooUK Wed 27-Feb-13 23:29:12

So sorry. What a shitty shitty time you are having.

Can you explain to your friend that you are having trouble with the idea of seeing a pregnant friend? Perhaps although she is thinking of cheering you up, having never suffered a mmc herself, it didn't occur to her this would be an issue.

If she can't uninvite the other friend then perhaps you could suggest doing something else together instead. The worst thing would be to dread the night out rather than look forward to it when you're feeling so fragile.

Schooldidi Wed 27-Feb-13 23:30:23

YANBU at all!!

I wouldn't go, and explain to your friend exactly why not. I think it was very insensitive for her to invite a pregnant friend if she knows what you are going through. I find it hard enough to be around pregnant people when I have only had one mc almost a year ago now.

Take care of yourself, it is such a hard thing to deal with.

DewDr0p Wed 27-Feb-13 23:34:23

Oh sweetheart you are not being unreasonable at all. I think I would just explain you can't face it to your friend. A good friend will understand.

I remember this feeling so well. I just used to tell myself that I wanted my baby, not someone else's and I could never wish mc on anyone else, so had to try to accept it. I wasn't too bad with friends actually but found pg women in the street much much harder. They were everywhere.

Have a very un-mn hug.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Thu 28-Feb-13 00:19:27

You are NOT being unreasonable. It's quite normal to feel this way.
I would say don't go if you aren't up to it and dont want to. If your friend is a real friend she will understand. You have the double whammy of your EDD and a recent miscarriage to deal with. Be kind to yourself.

goosey123 Thu 28-Feb-13 11:03:43

Willsanta, its so shit isn't it. I'm also having a mmc and would be due in the next few weeks if I hadn't had a late miscarriage last October. Although this miscarriage is earlier I'm really feeling the pain of the last one on top of this one. The due date would be hard enough without all this.

Could you tell your friend how you're feeling, and then decide what to do. sometimes when I just voice how pissed off I am, it can help.

all the best x

WillSantaComeAgain Thu 28-Feb-13 11:50:48

Thanks all- I think like you goosey, I'm feeling the mental pain of both this time round. I did ok last time and thought I was over the worst this time, but I'm in a really dark place at the moment. I probably will go- I know the thought of seeing the pg friend is worse than it will be actually seeing her and at least I can get trollied while she can't. (It's not that I wish her badly or anything, but you do have to take small pleasures where you can).

I don't know where "normal" mc grief ends and depression begins. Having had depression in the past I know that's what I'm feeling like at the moment, but that's to be expected, isn't it? I just don't know when to ask for professional help, because I don't want to go down the realms of CBT or anti depressants unless its reAlly needed- I keep hoping that I will wake up and feel normal again.

Curses to Mother Nature. She really is a bitch. <wonders if MNHQ make exceptions to the "no personal attacks" for Mother Nature?>

nectarini1983 Thu 28-Feb-13 12:30:00

Firstly... whats AIBU?!?!

And secondly, I'd go to the concert. Sounds like you need a night out and your friends are people. ..not just baby holders. You cant hide away from everyone whos pregnant or just had a baby else youre shutting yourself away with your own thoughts which if you're down wont do u any good.

I remember when I had an ectopic pregnancy and lost my right tube that my sis in law antf best friend were about to drop and i just wanted to hide away and wallow. I couldn't actually avoid them! But I had to think that just cos theyve had a baby, doesn't mean I can't have one too.... they hadn't pinched mine! And when I truly felt happy for them I found out I was pregnant again....my daughter
is now 3.

I've since had a little boy who's just turned one but lost another boy at 17 weeks pregnant only 7 weeks ago so im not bs-ing when I say i understand what its like to lose a baby.

And ironically my friend who was pregnant when I had my dshas struggled to conceive again after two years of trying amd recently miscarried. Id hate if she'd have avoided me as a friend when I was pregnant. ...

I guess im just trying topit some good happy thoughts out there and hopefully youll get something wonderful back. And dont cut yourself off as you'll end up very bitter and lonely. ..

X

tasmaniandevilchaser Thu 28-Feb-13 12:42:16

Yanbu at all. I'm surprised your friend invited a pg friend without running it by you. When I had a mmc, strangely I could cope if I already knew the person was pg but hearing of a new pg was awful. My due date was awful as well and I'd just had an ectopic pg by then so I was a real mess.

Do,you know the pg friend well? Is she the type to harp on about her bump all night? Does she know about your losses? She might even have had a mc herself, you might not know.

If she's a sympathetic type it might be nice to get out and distract yourself for a bit. You could always come home if you're not having great time. But see how you feel, sometimes you need to rest if you're feeling very low.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Thu 28-Feb-13 12:48:32

I am so sorry. It is so hard.

YANBU. I think your friend - assuming she was aware of your losses when she invited the pregnant friend along - has been very insensitive. And I don't think I'd go in your position. You need sensitivity and care right now, not to feel you have to bow to the pressure to 'get/be over it'.

HorryDrelincourt Thu 28-Feb-13 12:57:31

YANBU to feel crappy about it. I don't think people who haven't been in that situation understand how significant dates can feel. The "if only" factor is very strong.

But as mentioned upthread, the pg friend isn't having your baby. There isn't a finite number of people who can be pregnant at any one time. Realising that my lost pregnancy had absolutely nothing to do with someone else's safe pregnancy kept me sane - but I found it very difficult to be around her until I was pregnant again.

I have also been in the position of being the pg one when a friend had lost. That was hard too because it really felt I was rubbing it in her face, just by possessing a bump.

It is hard to be objective and philosophical when you are hurting. I do think you ought to mention it to your friend, because she might come up with an alternative or better plan that is more comfortable for you. You may also find that the pg friend would find that easier too.

Be kind to yourself. It will happen for you.

trustissues75 Fri 01-Mar-13 00:24:44

Do what you feel is bet for you and don't worry about offending anyone. Everyone deals with grief differently and it's not like you're two years down the line and still avoiding pregnant women - you're going through a horrible time. Be kind to yourself. If you decide not to go could you possibly do something else for yourself? Maybe go to a spa or something?

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