Support thread for miscarriage and management of it -

(110 Posts)
dorapeppageorgenoddy Mon 25-Feb-13 11:58:45

Sadly there seems to be a group of us going through a similar experience so I thought a shared thread may help to 'talk' on -

I'm currently hiding from the world in bed, lost all motivation for anything but not sleeping at night, had awful dreams like it was twins and one is still alive.

Had the ERPC on Wednesday evening after a scan in the afternoon, (was meant to be 11 weeks and baby had stopped at about 7 weeks) think that all happened quickly just by coincidence and the fact I hadn't eaten and space on the list etc - but realise everyone story is different -

Anyway I hope we can share and ask questions here, MN had helped me so much in the last 5 days -

Thinking of you all -

Nobhead Tue 12-Mar-13 14:33:11

Hi All, so sorry we are all going through this. I MC at 7 weeks last May and I am now recovering from a MC at 18 weeks + 5, I gave birth on 21st Feb. It's all so unfair.
I switch between being positive and giving myself little goals and stuff to focus on like booking a holiday for when my EDD would have been in mid July, me and DH organising date nights to look forward to. Then all of a sudden it will hit me that I'm not carrying my baby anymore and I feel sad, guilty and a failure. I also fear for the future- I had complications and had to have surgery and blood transfusions and DH isn't keen on the idea of having to face that again and I know I will be petrified for the whole 9 months if I ever got preg again- but the feeling of longing will never go away. We have a 4 yo DS but somehow our family doesn't feel complete yet.
DH has gone back to work today, I am missing him so much as he has been off since we found out we lost the baby.

gonnabeamum Tue 12-Mar-13 22:22:00

hi. well its been 5 days since my 12 week scan showed an empty sac and tonight the cramps and bleeding have inevitably started sad phoned nhs 24 as a matter of course and was given some reassurances but still feeling a little scared. i have a second scan this thursday but im just wishing it was sooner - this week has already felt like an eternity.
it feels like im having a standard period at the moment, but worried about how much more painful and heavy it will get. have also had a bit of a bubble, plus hugs from my fiance who is feeling pretty helpless at the moment. x

Bakingtins Wed 13-Mar-13 07:27:11

Hi gonna. I hope your night has not been too bad and you are feeling supported. It is a lonely time and can be frightening. If you have an out of hours number for EPU (prob will be the gynae ward number) then I've found they gave much better advice than NHS direct. I had very scary bleeding with first MC and ended up in hospital on fluids, and second time they were happy to check me out for reassurance. Third time I stayed at home and the heavy bleeding felt more manageable. In my case I've had very heavy bleeding, filling a pad in less than an hour and passing big clots, for about 24 hours, then it has really settled to more like a period for about a week. If you are concerned please get yourself checked out. I found they were bad at being honest about what to expect. Hope you are coping ok.

gonnabeamum Wed 13-Mar-13 10:15:12

hi baking, thanx for the reply. i actually had a fairly comfortable night - the bleeding hasnt been that intense for the moment anyway - i expect there will be more to come sad i think i have read far too much information which is not helping my fears (i shouldnt use google as much as i do but cant stop myself), but i know evryone is different. just trying to take things easy today till the 2nd scan tomorrow. was hoping mother nature would not kick in until i had a chance to accept medical assistance - i very much wanted to go via the ERPC option as i feel that is the less traumatic/easier to deal with option for me. x

dorapeppageorgenoddy Wed 13-Mar-13 20:14:47

Hi all - I came home to a letter asking me to attend a midwife appointment- I don't think it's a computer error as it states 'a follow up appointment has been made with the midwife'

But I really don't want to see the midwife or have the appointment at all -

Has anyone else had this?

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Wed 13-Mar-13 21:36:00

For anyone who is going to try again, do come over to conception to the Big Fat Posifrickintivity thread. We're all trying again after MC and holding each others hands! smile

Tallyra Wed 13-Mar-13 22:47:27

Yes noddy, I had the same thing. the midwife hadn't got the message from the ward that i had an erpc and I got a letter. I also had a snotty letter from hospital after I cancelled an appointment for something else and they didn't acknowledge it. I phoned both up very upset and angry. I got an apology from the hospital but not from the doctors which made me even angrier.

nennyrainbow Thu 14-Mar-13 13:20:49

Hi nobhead, we met a few days ago on a thread I started. If it's any consolation, I'm going through very much the same thing, trying to do positive things, like planning stuff that I wouldn't have been able to do if I was pregnant, but I still feel empty, like nothing can make up for my loss. Re trying again, I think you have to remind yourself that it's highly unlikely that the complications will happen again.
Dora, sadly, its probably a lack of communication between the hospital and community midwives. A few days after my MC I had a call from the community MW asking why I'd missed my 16 week appointment. When I told her, she was mortified that she'd called.
btw what is an ERPC?

SunsetSongster Thu 14-Mar-13 16:06:42

Hello. I'm afraid I am not up to date on this thread but I really need to get some stuff out so hope you don't mind me jumping in. 5 weeks ago I had bleeding, 2 weeks ago I had a first scan confirming missed mc, 1 week ago I had 2nd scan to confirm I didn't have dates wrong and today I am in hospital for 2nd part of medical management.

I actually started bleeding on Monday and yesterday I was in terrible pain and passed lots of clots but I don't think there was anything else.

Today I am hardly bleeding and have had no pain. I feel like I am even failing to mc properly or I am too stupid to notice it happened yesterday. I was really hoping it would be over today and I could get back to normal but I will probably have to come in for another scan ans who knows what else. If it is still in there I want to ask for an EPRC but there are very few slots.

I just hate this and I hate my body for failing to keep the pregnancy and failing to let it go. I know it is irrational but I can't help it.

Sorry for the self pitying post and for not reading the thread - I will when I get home. Sorry so many others are suffering too.

Tallyra Thu 14-Mar-13 16:10:04

ERPC = D and C. It stands for evacuation of product of conception. Such a horrible term for it.

Tallyra Thu 14-Mar-13 16:11:17

sunset sending you hugs. None of us should have to go through this, it's just not right.

Bakingtins Thu 14-Mar-13 16:55:00

Sunset I'm sorry you find yourself here. You didn't say how far along you were but you may well have passed the sac without realising. I've had 3 MC between 8-10 weeks and in 2 of them haven't recognised the sac - I assume it was in one of the massive clots sad. Both times I've had about 24 hours of very heavy bleeding and pain then it has settled right down to period-like proportions for about another week. I hope it's all over physically for you.
It's a normal part of grieving to look for someone or something to blame, in this case yourself, but it really isn't your fault. Your body was trying to nurture and protect the pregnancy until it recognised that it was no longer progressing, now it's doing the right thing by letting it go. Be kind to yourself - I find wine and chocolate are essential to the physical recovery process.

SunsetSongster Thu 14-Mar-13 22:06:47

Thanks for the support Tallyra and Bakingtins. In the end I had a physical examination to see if the cervix was closed and they found that the sac was sitting there (I was about 6 weeks when it went wrong but it is now about 4 weeks later). Three different people had a go at removing what they could but it wasn't completely successful. I am due back in for a scan tomorrow.

It was a very long day - I didn't get out of the ward until after 8pm and I'd been in since before 9am (most of that time spend pacing the corridors to move things along). I'm glad I know how things stand though - I was dreading that they wouldn't see anything and then not book me in for a scan until next week. I just want to know when things can get back to normal and I am worried about taking so much time off work.

If anyone is reading this and going in for a medical management I would recommend taking comfortable shoes and an ipod. I also wish I had taken my phone charger and my battery nearly died while I was arranging for my DH to come and get me.

nennyrainbow Fri 15-Mar-13 11:10:44

Thanks, tallyra

dorapeppageorgenoddy Fri 22-Mar-13 21:00:33

I'm sad tonight, did not want to start a new post but the last few days its all hitting again - this is probably just going to read as a rant- but various factors have made me sad, like I would have been nearly 16 weeks or at an event this week I would have told this person etc -

Also sad because people keep commenting on my tiredness or sadness I guess, they don't know what's happened but I'm not my bubbly self and that's what they can see.

The weather isn't helping, but my OH was like I think you've bounced back from it all quite well....? Which upset me and then tonight my son asked if I had a baby in my tummy sad

Just sharing sad

MrsSpencerReid Fri 22-Mar-13 21:44:47

Dora, I have had a similarly shit week, I feel worse now than I did when it happened, I am trying to make the most of not being preg, drinking, going out with friends, dyeing my hair, but its not really working sad

gonnabeamum Fri 22-Mar-13 23:06:35

*sending virtual hugs to everyone*

im joining the shit week club too - not been a great week. was due for erpc tuesday but mother nature had other ideas. ended up with overnight stint in hospital last weekend due to the intensity of the pain and bleeding . felt wiped out for most of this week but thought i was handling it ok until last night - its like a wave of sadness just sort of swept over me and there has been loads of tears since sad not sure now if im ready to go back to work monday or if i need more time.

Bakingtins Sat 23-Mar-13 07:00:18

Hugs for everyone having a bad week. I think it gets harder when everyone expects you to be ok and you are still grieving.
gonna take more time if you need it, once you go back it will be difficult to be off again if you are struggling.
I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on telling people. Not many people know about MC3, which I found easier initially. Now I feel a bit stronger I'm wondering if I'm contributing to the conspiracy of silence about it and I ought to tell people? And if I do, how do you just drop it into conversation without being a drama queen?

dorapeppageorgenoddy Sat 23-Mar-13 17:18:48

It's crap isn't it - sometimes I wish I had told more people but then in other ways I'm glad they don't know - its the sharing of experience that is helpful rather than people knowing, which is hard to find as it is one of those topics hardly talked about - but once others know my fear is they will then presume we are TTC again and I don't want all that speculation.

I want the sunshine to come and tiredness to lift, I just feel demotivated for anything -

It is good to read your stories on here (although good isn't the right word), I hope everyone is feeling a bit better today -

Hope2013 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:53:35

Hi, I am new to this site. I am 10 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday at an early scan (as I had exeprienced bleeding) that there was no heartbeat and the baby died at 7 weeks.

I couldn't face having a procedure, or spending time in hospital, so I am at home waiting for it to happen naturally.

I am so sorry to hear all of these stories of other people going through the same thing.

I have to wait for the physical side of things to happen, which is scary, but if anyone has any advice on dealing with the emotional side that would be a great help, I feel awful and very tearful at the moment.

gonnabeamum Sat 23-Mar-13 19:35:58

hi hope - sorry to have to welcome you onto a thread such as this. it is scary and unfortunately i cant offer any great advice on the emotional side of things - im barely working it out for myself for the moment. As far as the physical side of things - yes it is difficult. i did a bit of homework before things happened using mainly this site and google. i found it helped prepare me for what actually happened but even so, i still found it traumatic and painful. i was booked for surgery but ended up naturally miscarrying before i could get as far as the theatre - that was only last weekend.

baking - as far as telling people - i think im ok-ish with it. my problem is facing everyone who already knew i was pregnant, and dealing with their reactions. some people dont know what to say, some people offer hugs, some people offer advice or comparison stories- i just find that whole aspect quite awkward, and hugs inparticular trigger the tears for me. everyone at my work knew, but ive only spoken to one person from work face to face so far. its freaking me out having to face them but in the same boat, i dont want to dwell on whats happened and want to get on with life. maybe i need one more week? i feel fine one minute then really down the next - my line runs out monday - i have a doc appointment that day anyway so will need to try and work out what my best option is...

sorry for the ramble... not normally a forum-type of person either, but i have found this site to be quite helpful and enlightening.

x

Bakingtins Sat 23-Mar-13 19:37:42

Hi Hope I am so sorry you've lost your baby. There's a good thread on here about what to expect that is worth reading to prepare yourself. The other place to look for very down to earth advice is the Miscarriage Association website. Having done it three times, the only advice I'd give you on handling it emotionally is to recognise that you need to go through a process of grieving for your baby and all the future plans you had, and that it will take a while. You'll probably feel numb, angry, jealous, empty, sad at different times. Just accept it all as part of coming to terms with the loss. Be kind to yourself, take the time you need to recover physically. I've found it helpful to do something to remember each of my lost LOs, it's important to honour their life, however short, because they mattered to you. There will be someone here whenever you need someone to talk to.

Bakingtins Sat 23-Mar-13 19:55:31

Hi gonna I think going back to work can be helpful if you are someone that just wants to get on with things. I didn't have any time off this time round, started to MC on a Monday at work, worst bit was Tuesday then I was due back at work Friday and the weekend and went in as normal. I cope better if I'm busy, today I've had a day off and it has dragged. Everything feels pointless and I can't be bothered. Only my manager knows at work so everyone is carrying on regardless, which made it easier initially but now feels a bit dishonest, since I'd regard many of them as friends. First time round I was really poorly in hospital so they all knew - first day I did quite a bit of crying because they were all saying how sorry they were, after that I felt they were on eggshells for a bit, then they all forgot about it and I was a bit hurt that they thought I'd be over it that quickly.
Do whatever is best for you, you know if you are better flinging yourself back into the swing of things or if you need more time to rest and recover. The first day back will be daunting whenever you go, but you only have to do it once.

Hope2013 Sun 24-Mar-13 12:07:10

Thanks for the replies and advice, I think it's just a case of taking it one day at a time. I hope everyone is ok and wish you all a better week x

icklemssunshine1 Tue 26-Mar-13 07:03:07

Hi all,

Haven't been in this thread for a while. How are we all doing? 5 weeks tomorrow & 4 weeks tomorrow since I found out about MMC & subsequent ERPC. Felt okay last week but yesterday had such a shit day. Think it was triggered by seeing my friend (& colleague) return to work with her 14 week bump; I should be 16 weeks sad Got to stop thinking like that, have had hardly any sleep so those thoughts aren't doing me any good. Easter next week so got a little lodge booked, going to hide away with DH & DD!!

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