MMC, no help or advice-what now?

(43 Posts)
Shellywelly1973 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:08:37

I went for my 12 week scan today, only to be told my baby died at 8 wks & 2 days.I had no reason to think anything was wrong, except for extreme worry that something was wrong but i couldn't explain why i have been so worried. I have never been like this with the other children.

Only dp and my best friend know i am pregnant, or not as i now know.

This is my 6th pregnancy. Im totally heart broken. I've gone into shock and i can't stop crying. Im 39 years old, baby was due 3 weeks before my 40th. It was my last chance baby.

As today is a Saturday, i was told nothing would be done today. I've been given no information, i dont know what will happen now. The sonographer said i would get a call in the week, is this normal?

What should i be doing? How do you come to terms with a mmc?

Possiblyoutedled Thu 28-Feb-13 09:24:18

Go with it shelly allow yourself to grieve for your baby.
No brownie points from being brave I've learned that in my life.

Shellywelly1973 Thu 28-Feb-13 08:57:17

I didn't know if the baby was a girl. I just felt she was. Out of my 5 dc, i have only been wrong once.

I call her Little Baby.

My body is physically returning to normal to quickly. Im uncomfortable from erpc, very sad this morning...

Possiblyoutedled Wed 27-Feb-13 21:30:49

shelly so glad it was as best as it could be under the circumstances.
It's so sad isn't it you really feel they are your child just like all the others.
Do you know she was a girl? I always felt mine was a boy called Ruben.
My mum was crap too.
Stay here for a while for support.
Goodnight little baby x

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Wed 27-Feb-13 17:08:21

Have a big hug my lovely. Take care of yourself, and do exactly and only what you feel you need to.
The fact that your mum and sister have had 5 MC between them and are still insensitive cows just goes to show that there is no helping some people.
Surround yourself with the people who care instead.

Shellywelly1973 Wed 27-Feb-13 16:45:22

I went to EPU yesterday, has another scan- i asked for the screen to be turned around, i needed to see the baby. She was laying at the bottom of the sack...she looked like she was curled up & asleep. I said goodbye to her.

I went in this morning at 7am for the erpc. I was home by 1pm.

I went back to the Whittington in the end. I am glad i did. The doctor yesterday tried to defend the sonographer but she conceded in the end by not defending her&apologised repeatedly.

I am still going to make a complaint. This situation is hard enough without people doing their jobs poorly.

Today i was treated with the upmost respect, dignity & care. From the surgeon, to the porter, each & every person i met was kind and considerate.

I had a private room which was spotless and when i explained about my ds being Autistic & me never not meeting him from school, they moved me from last on the list to the first. I didn't request this, the nurse told me afterwards. I couldn't fault the medical & emotional care i recieved yesterday & today.

I am glad i went back. Im not scared of the hospital now, whereas i would only have associated it with losing my baby, fear & sadness if i hadn't gone back. At least i feel i was, in the end, well cared for.

Im sad now, empty and a bit weepy but Dp is looking after me very well. I've spent the afternoon on the sofa (unheard of!!).

As the previous poster said my mum & sister have been bloody useless& in their need to 'care about me' shown their true selfishness & ignorance...I need to point out my sister has had 2mc & Dm had3!

Thankyou all for your caring words, your all so kind, even though many of you have been through so much worse. You have helped me so much... Xx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Wed 27-Feb-13 01:31:37

Ive just read your other thread Shelley, you really are going through the mill! Your mum sounds crap and Im sorry that your sister didnt help. sad This really is a fantastic place for support, stay here with us, we care. smile
I cant offer any advice other than just go with the flow. Hide in bed, do manic housework, shout, scream, cry, whatever you need to do.
We are all holding your hand, be strong. xxx

Bakingtins Tue 26-Feb-13 12:58:44

Shelly I'm so sorry this is being made more difficult for you. Hope you get an appointment today. Will your DP go with you? Or can you get a friend to go with you if DP needs to look after your children. Sounds like you need some moral support.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 25-Feb-13 23:38:31

I know i keep saying this but thank you for replying.

I rang UCLH, I need a referal. The Homerton is really difficult to get to. My GP can't see me until tomorrow evening to get a new referal. I will go to the Whittington tomorrow morning. I have the complaint written up.

Dp begged me to go back to the hospital, he knows me better then myself (very annoying!). He said on Saturday he wanted to grab a member of staff&tell them, 'If you let her leave, you won't get her back'...

I needed to have a d&c after dd was born for retained products, i absolutely refused. Drs couldn't convince me& poor Dp thought i was going to either bleed to death or the infection was going to get me. I knew i would pass them eventually & after a course of antibiotics, i was fine.

After ds was born i had surgery on both hands for Carpel Tunnel Syndrome under local anesthetic but declined any sedatives. I refused to get back into the wheelchair to leave the theatre, went back to my room& demanded dp dress me. Of course the staff wanted me to wait, get pain killers etc but i wouldn't wait &left!

I've given birth with no pain relief twice. I've only ever has gas&air so i would be co herent & in control of the births!

When i say i am scared, Im really bloody terrified . I know Dp is worried more about my mental health then physical health, he's right too.

So i need to make myself go to the EPU tomorrow morning. I will go straight from dropping dc off so should be back in time for pick up. The appointment for the erpc will be made tomorrow so at least i can organise dc etc.

I just need to get there & not think too much. The alternative of trying to get through this naturally, could push me over the edge mentally. Ultimately this isn't just about me, its about Dp is& the dc too.

Possiblyoutedled Mon 25-Feb-13 19:18:00

Oh sweetie what a cock up. As if you aren't coping with enough.
Yes complain definitely.
I remember the day between the d and c . Pain getting worse frightened to go to the loo in case I saw something it's shit.
You really will get over this in time but you are totally normal feeling like you do. You have to just go with it I'm afraid. You have had a whacking shock and a huge loss and things changed overnight its so disappointing.
Don't expect too much from yourself.
One of the best things I did was stay overnight in hospital (I was a nurse so private room) and just be alone with my thoughts.
Allow yourself to feel all the emotions that you are entitled to feel.

blondieminx Mon 25-Feb-13 17:35:50

Oh Shelly talk about the hospital making a bad situation worse sad

Do complain (in writing, with the letter sent Recorded Delivery), and keep complaining till you get an apology. Write to the chief exec of the trust that runs the hospital then he/she will follow up with the ultrasound/EPU depts to work out what went wrong with their procedures. I'm furious they treated you this way, it shows a real lack of care.

Do self refer to another EPU, be really clear why you are doing so and hopefully you'll be seen more speedily/helpfully.

Good luck to you thanks

Shelly I am so sorry for your loss, the way you have been treated is so unfair. Please do not blame yourself, nothing you did caused this.
I had an MMC is January last year and my story is strikingly similar to yours. I went for early scan at 6 weeks due to previous Ectopic, everything was fine. Then at 12 week scan baby was measuring 8 weeks, with no heartbeat. I blamed the blasted heated seats in my car, I used them once !
This was my last chance baby too (was 41), so hugely devastated. You will mend and recover from this, it will take time but you will get there I promise.
I thank God everyday for my DD, but also mourn the sister or brother she will now never have.

I second self referring to another EPU. I was sent home after my scan but an appointment was made for next day to discuss options. I was offered natural or surgical options. Medical was not offered as this often ends up needing to be surgical anyway. I chose surgery, as the thought of walking round carrying my dead baby was not something I could bear. It was surprisingly pain free, happened the next day and I felt I could then start to move on.
Take care.

Lotta1234 Mon 25-Feb-13 15:27:24

p.s. it will get easier but very hard for you while you're in medical limbo due to the sonographer ballsing up.

Lotta1234 Mon 25-Feb-13 15:26:46

Am so sorry for your loss. I had a MMC with my first pregnancy. It's very distressing.

Could you go to another London EPU where you self refer?

For exampl, I think UCL is self-referring and offers local anaesthetic d&c. www.uclh.nhs.uk/PandV/PIL/Patient%20information%20leaflets/Miscarriage.pdf

And I know Homerton lets you self refer.

I'm sure if you explain what's happened they'll see you pronto. You need this dealt with properly.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 25-Feb-13 14:26:21

I called the EPU this morning. They told me the EPU was open on Saturday. I should have been sent there, scanned,paperwork &the d&c done Saturday night.

To add insult to injury, my details haven't been passed to EPU, so they would never have known about me had i not called. Finally the sonographer didn't put the results of the scan on the system or give me a print out of the results.

So basically i start from scratch. Im furious. I will be lodging a formal complaint. My choices now are go back to the Whittington EPU but you can't get an appointment,first come,first served. Go to my local A&E or back to my G.P for a referal to an EPU at another hospital.

The fear has now over taken the logic. I can't go back, i started to shake & sweat when the Dr suggested i go today.

Mentally Im really struggling. I was in Tesco earlier & convinced myself it was all wrong, that the sonographer was so incompetant that the babys probably fine.

I don't know what to do with myself. I can't eat, hardly slept and want to run away. I wish i could take my mind out of this useless body & leave this all behind. Dc will be home in an hour & god knows if i had someone to dump them on i would.

How do i move on? Im so scared,angry, heart broken and exhausted.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:28:14

Your replys really help.

Its so hard because one minute Im fine&i think i can cope with this but suddenly it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I hate, hate, bloody hate hospitals. Im at the Whittington in north London. I went there once about 15 years ago. I had read,mainly on here, that it had been done up& was much improved-not where i was yesterday! I was quite shocked at the conditions. I've been to the Royal Free, & i thought that was rough but i won't be going back to the Whittington after this.

Im stuck, i have to go back but Im now scared. I want to see the baby but can't tolerate the idea of going through a medically managed mc in hospital by myself so the d&c is best. Its been 4 weeks so i can't wait much longer for nature to take its course.

I just want this to go away. I wish i didn't know. My scan should have been on Tuesday but i changed it as it clashed with the school pick ups. I wish i had left it now i would at least have had 3more days of being normal.

Im just rambling as my mind is in over drive but my body is exhausted. I need to finish sorting out the dc stuff for school. Then go to bed, i need to be up at 6.30am.

Thank you all, i would have gone mad without mumsnet this weekend. Xxx

blondieminx Sun 24-Feb-13 23:09:25

Approximately what area are you Shelly? I'm in Essex. Maybe a mumsnetter who's been through it before could support you on the day of your op?

Prob best that your DP is with the kids, obv.

Mampig Sun 24-Feb-13 23:03:29

Shelly- I'm so sorry for youhmm. Fwiw, the exact same happened to me. I had d and c. It was a scary time, but I did let myself grieve for the baby. It was a lonely time, and my mum was like cardboard confused. Having 2 young kids at the time both hindered and helped. Hugs to you. The d and c didn't hurt and I had minimal bleeding. I fell pg very quickly after, but lost that baby too- as my womb hadn't recovered from d and c. If you want to ttc again, I was advised (after second mc) to wait 3 month after op. so I did, and had a normal healthy baby. Don't lose hope! Just take each day as it comes, and really, do grieve for your loss- good luck xo

Shellywelly1973 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:37:35

My booking in appointment was meant to be Tuesday, i will ring the community midwifes tomorrow to cancel the appointment. I've never met the local midwifes so there isn't any point in speaking to them now.

I will ring the EPU tomorrow to arrange an appointment with a doctor,the sonographer gave me the number yesterday but i think i need to be seen by gyne. I have never gone through this so i have no idea how it works.

I was ok earlier but Im exhausted now. I feel sick,headache & pains in my back&stomach are getting worse. Dp is at work so Im dealing with dc by myself. Its made me realise how isolated we are. The only help we get is through social services. It takes 2people to look after the 3 dc due to ds with autism.

I was planning on having the baby at home as i knew we wouldn't be able to organise childcare at short notice. I didn't fancy the idea of having the baby without Dp!

I will have to go in by myself for op&depending on the times,get a cab home.

Suddenly feels very lonely &scary...

dorapeppageorgenoddy Sun 24-Feb-13 20:39:30

I hope you get some answers tomorrow - It's sad the standard of care is so different across the board - my first scan led to rolling events and I had the op that night but the consultant asked when I last ate and as it had been at 11 and the first scan was at 2 and the consultant was talking to me at 4 he said he would put me on the list for tonight - it also depends on the hospital some hospitals operate 7 days a week and some just seem to stop at weekends etc -

Are you planning on going to the EPU in the morning? Or phone your midwife -

If you want/need to ask me something please do -

Thinking of you and hope all goes ok tomorrow -

Possiblyoutedled Sun 24-Feb-13 18:21:30

I was never hugely aware of how a mc affects a person.
My mum came up after mine and let me speak about it for about 5 mins then changed the subject. It felt awful as my heart was literally hurting.
I remember the pain 12 yrs later. The loss.
My mum had a stillborn baby so I never felt I could be too sad around her.
Do take some time off work though.

CharlW1 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:23:34

Big hugs Shelly - I went through a MMC last year and it is heartbreaking. Time won't make you forget but it will make you stronger. Definitely speak to your sister - it will help x

Shellywelly1973 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:14:46

Pumpkin, my mum would be the same. Because of ds my mum would tell me i shouldn't even be thinking about trying again.
My mil told a family member recently to stop whinging about her mc&to be grateful for the dc she has! mil is normally a fantastic person but i do think different generations deal with things differently.

Im going to call my sister later. She had 2mc before going onto have 2 gorgeous dc. We are very close in age&get on very well. I know she will be really upset for me&don't want to inflict my loss on her, IYSWIM? She knows about mc so will be understanding & have practical advice for me.

Taffeta Sun 24-Feb-13 17:13:09

I'm so sorry to read this Shelley, so awful that you have been given no advice or support. Disgraceful.

Be easy on yourself.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:04:22

Had a good chat with dp this afternoon, he's a very logical sort of person. He said the way he's coping is by thinking there was something wrong with the baby& it wasn't meant to be.

I agree, we already have an Autistic ds. I was worried the baby could have SN & had decided to not continue with the pregnancy if anything was discovered. I now realise that would be a million times worse then what wrong are experiencing, i know i couldn't terminate & it would be extremely difficult to cope.

Dp is good, don't get me wrong but when it was realised ds was having difficulties, he fell apart. I went through the whole diagnostic process by myself with ds. Dp to this day has never attended an appointment with a HCP with regards to ds. Dp used the word autistic in regards to ds only about 2 weeks ago for the first time. Ds was diagnosed 2 years ago & has been in a special school for a year!

I just need to get through the next couple of weeks. Its my dd 21st bday this week & we find out where Dd11 will go to Secondry school next Friday.

I've got some stuff to do with work that i will just pass on. I have a big project this week but I've done all the work& i don't need to be there.

Im feeling calmer & more resigned, I've moved mentally to tick boxing mode & being very practical- its what i do when Im struggling, oh & wash clothes like a mad lady!

You all take care, thanks for reading.

That's true Possibly-re the 5mins sympathy and then expect you to be as bright as rain a few days later!
Unfortunetly my mum has rather much been like this, bless her, she means well but her attitude is-oh well you were only 6+weeks etc, and on day 3 she accused me of being depressed previously and that she's happy i'm back to my normal selfconfused, very frustrating and to make things worse she's put her boot in about me trying again, not that we aresad, then she went on to say in the olden days i wouldn't have even noticed-lovelyhmm
Dh has been there for me, a close friend and my sister although a distance away, so atleast that's something.
My mum isn't normally like that, rather shocked tbh and quite upset, that she seems to think this is something i can just get over in a daysad

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