Mumsnet Talk

I'm so sorry Frills, thinking of you, your family and your very Darling Son.

So sorry OP.

So sorry for you all. Bless your hearts xx

So sorry Frills. Thinking of you and you little boy x

Frills I am so sorry. Thanks for updating us, I'm glad you got to meet him and say goodbye properly. I hope that's a comfort to you in the days to come.

Im so sorry. I have watched this thread&wondered how you were doing...

Take care. Sending you love&hugs. Wishing you strength for Tuesday.

So sorry Frills

Wishing you love and strength for Tuesday xxx

So so sorry Frills, so glad that you got to meet him. I can't imagine your pain, holding your hand though x

Sorry for your loss dude. Glad you got to spend some time with your boy. Did you give him a name?

So sorry for your loss, big hugs xxx

So sorry for your loss. X

So sorry for your loss Frills

Oh you poor poor thing. I am so sad for the loss of your little boy. I hope Tuesday goes as well as can be expected. xx

Thank you for your replies. I was induced last Friday and had my little boy on Sunday morning. He surprised everyone because he was born alive. He lived for half an hour and then passed away. Me and his daddy all got into bed together, we told him how much we loved him and we all lay together while he passed. He wasn't in any pain. His funeral is on Tuesday, I can't get my head round that its actually happened. I keep forgetting im not pregnant with him anymore. I stayed in hospital with him till Tuesday I couldn't bear to leave him. My poor little boy, he was so tiny yet big at the same time. He looked just like me but his hands and feet were just like his daddys. Im so proud of him he was so strong and im so glad he held on to meet us.

I lost my little boy in nov at 28 weeks. I actually had an emcs as he was poorly and he lived for 2 hours so slightly different situation but I can tell you that once the baby is born they give you hand and footprints, a lock of hair (if there is any!) and lots of sands leaflets. You will be able to spend as much time as you like with him. Depending on how many weeks you will be If it is after 24 weeks you legally have to register them and have a funeral burial/cremation paid for by the state. For what it's worth we originally chose to cremate Thomas, but decided on a burial at last minute and I'm so glad we did as now we have somewhere to visit him. If you cremate it is unlikely you will get any ashes so just be aware of that.
I hope it all goes as ok as it can. Another one here sending you love x

So very sad to hear about you little boy. Thinking of you all.

Just to say that I had a missed miscarriage at 20 weeks. A lovely midwife got us through the delivery. We were treated very kindly and sensitively, given time with the baby (brought back to us wrapped in a blanket in a moses basket), given hand and foot prints etc.

My sister lost a baby at 24 weeks and at this stage her loss was treated as a still birth (and she received her full maternity leave entitlement etc). She got support from Sands.

I'm so very sorry that this has happened - sending you love.

How are you?

Big hugs. x x x

You poor darling xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm so sorry about your little boy. I have had two pregnancies where the baby died at 20 weeks. Both times I took tablets at the hospital to start labour off, then came back the next day and had a pessary to help labour along.

The hospital I was at had a special room for people in this situation. The midwives were lovely and very kind. Although the babies were only 20 week size, labour was still painful, so I used gas and air.

Both times the midwives offered to do the babies' footprints, they were dressed in mini blankets which we kept afterwards. We were able to spend some time with both babies and take photos. I kept a little memory box for each baby.

We had a very small funeral and cremation both times.

Frills, I am sorry you are having to go through this, it's a really awful situation to be in.
As to your questions, I am an ex midwife and I helped many women going through the same process as you and helped them deliver their babies. I never once delivered a baby which was alive at the point of birth. From what you describe for your DS it sounds like his lungs will be be less mature than they would usually be at 24 weeks.
Usually what happens is that the baby is born in the amniotic sac....we don't break the waters. These babies don't make any effort to breathe as their problems are generally incompatible with life .
The midwife will take your little boy away and get him out if the amniotic sac and clean. They will wrap him up in a shawl so that you can give him a cuddle and spend some time with him. You'll be able to spend as long as you want with him so you can say goodbye.
They'll also talk to you about a funeral/blessing etc which you will be able to attend..it's only a simple thing unless you want to do your own thing.

Hope that answers your questions a bit.

Another organisation who can help are ARC.....Antenatal Choices and Results
here who have an excellent forum for families going through the same situation as you x

I had a termination at 15 weeks for similar reasons.

Yes they will start labour and you give birth, it's up to you if you want to hold/see the baby.

The worst part for me was being on the labour ward and hearing all the women in labour and new babies being born (already had 3dc so labour ward had only had good memories till then) but I understood why they needed me to be there.

Afterwards we had a private funeral just dh and I and I got the keep the babies ashes that are beside my bed.

Make sure you and your partner talk to each other, you need to get through this together and unfortunately you will prob find out friends run a mile.

Frills, I am so sorry that you are facing this. I have only had first trim losses but my best friend lost her first baby at 25 weeks. She had an induced labour because the baby had died and was able to spend time with her and take photos etc. They chose to have post mortem tests because they hadn't known something was wrong then had a private burial service.
Have you contacted SANDS ? I would think they'd be able to offer support and if you need it, counselling, for you and your partner. Thinking of you, wish there was more e could do to support you, I hope you are both well supported IRL.

Thank you everyone. Smartie, one minute id like to meet him alive the next I don't. Realisticly it would be cruel to him if I gave birth to him while he was alive, he wouldn't be able to breathe and would suffer terribly. Im trying to prepare myself for when he arrives, its just not how I ever imagined it.

Rufous, it really is. One minute im alright and the next im crying my eyes out. I have a lot of support, my mum, step dad, sister and my partner. I have a younger sister who was so excited to meet him, she knitted him a blanket and its took her so long. Im planning to tell her we lost him when all this happens. Im upset for my mum aswel, he is her first grandchild and I could see on her face today how devastated she was. She was trying to put a brave face on for me. She's bought so much stuff for him already - a lot more than I have.

Im worried about my partner - he doesn't have much support. His mum lives abroad and he isnt close to the rest of his family. He's as devastated as I am and I have no idea hoe to help him. He's a mans man aswell and doesn't like to show his feelings. He's cried but then apologised when there's no need to say sorry and there's no shame in crying. I fee so awful for him. He has supported me through so much and now when he needs ny support I feel like there's nothing I can do for him.

Arian - Logically I know that im not ending his life but when I think about it it feels like I am. My poor little boy. I have no idea whats going to happen, its awful thinking im going to have to go through labour and instead of a baby looking at me and crying and me snuggling him, he's not going to be there. Its awful, I wish this was all a terrible dream.

Im going to get a nice box for his things, I have a clay mould thing that my mum got me for Christmas so I could make a mould of his hands and feet when he was born. Im going to use that still so I always have his little hands and feet. Im also going to buy a moulding set off eBay, you can make a 3d mould of your babys hands and feet.

Its awful isnt it, I know it isnt my fault yet I still feel like what could I have done differently? The doctrs and consultants have said its just one of these things and its nothing iv done. When i have another baby the chance of this happening is very unlikely.

Thank you so much x

Frillsandlaces-please, please if you go for your scan in 3 weeks and it has not ended naturally do not think for one moment that you will be taking his life if you end up having a termination.You have done nothing wrong so please don't make yourself feel bad that it will be your doing, it is something you have had no control over and you are not 'responsible' although I can understand you may feel like you are.

As I mentioned earlier I do not know the process, I have had a mc but it was at an earlier stage and managed surgically under GA (was mmc). I also have had a termination but far far earlier than your stage (I was 13 weeks) it was for medical reasons and also under GA so I can offer no real insight into what may happen for you as I was not awake during main part of it all.

What I can tall you is that yes, it is hard I was sad, very sad at the stage I was at so cannot begin to imagine how it must be for you.I have a memory box in which I keep scan photos and a couple of little bits I had already got for my babies at that stage.for a while I did blame myself but I know now I could not have changed things it was out of my control.

Every now and then I get my box out and I do still cry but I know that what happened with the mc and termination was not my fault.

I now have 4 lovely dcs but you never forget the ones you have lost.

I really really wish I could reach out to you and help you more.this has put my other problems into perspective and made me remember how I felt.

I truly am thinking of you and your little boy.sending you lots of hugs.x

Oh Frills I know that feeling - have a (((hug))).

What an utterly dreadful time for you - I hope you have lots of lovely people around to support you in real life.