Feeling low, self pitying, sympathy please

[Celestialcloud]

My big sister just phoned to tell me she's 12 weeks pregnant with her second. I miscarried a couple of months ago, I was fine on the phone but now I feel really low. I'm 25 and none of my close friends are even considering children yet so don't seem to understand how awful I still feel.
My husband tries to put a positive spin on things, I know I shouldn't be hard on him but I just want sympathy, I am aware that it will probably happen for us eventually but I just want to wallow now because we should be halfway there.
Has anyone ever said anything to console you in this situation that actually helped? Can you say it to me please?
TIA

[SuzySheepSmellsNice]

Sorry for your loss. The thing is, you know that you will be fine, that it will happen for you etc etc but it sometimes takes a while. If its any consolation, you're not the only one. My sister had been trying for around 18 months and then I fell pregnant, first month of trying, honeymoon baby. (I have PCOS, noone was more gobsmacked than me). She was thrilled for us, by obviously a little hurt that it had been so easy for me as she had gone through months of trying and 2 miscarriages. To cut a long story short, she and her DP went away for a romantic weekend after my due date (typically I cut it short by giving birth on the Saturday night!) selfish cow that I am and then a few weeks later we found out that she had fallen pregnant too. We all think that the relaxing weekend away took the pressure off a bit, which really helped them. I don't know about your sister, but I know I felt really guilty for getting pregnant before her (and I know she resented me a little, though she was thrilled at becoming an aunty) but now its lovely as we have 2 little boys of just over one and nearly two years old. You will get there, just try to give yourself a break

[Celestialcloud]

Thank you, my sister was so apologetic and I feel awful because my miscarriage will have made her terrified for the last 8 weeks or however long. I don't resent her and I don't want her to feel guilty and hopefully by the time my niece or nephew is born I'll be in a better place.
Right now though I feel like I'm in hell, I feel like I can't escape the devastation and dissapointment of my miscarriage. I'm disappointed that my husband doesn't empathise and that's he's only sympathetic because I've told him he needs to be.
I know I won't always feel this way but I feel powerless because I can't switch it off.
I feel like the people who I'm around day to day won't understand why this good news has made me feel low so I don't want to confide in them.
I might be hormonal, I'm not sure about my cycle length following my mc. I've got a pain in my womb which is probably a pre period pain. I'm trying not to hope that it means that I'm pregnant.
Sorry, I'm just ranting

[Geekster]

Sorry you are feeling so down Celestialcloud. There isn't anything anyone can say to you that will make you feel better. It's something you have to come to terms with yourself. I know you don't resent your sister, but I bet you still feel it should be you then feel guilty for feeling like that. I know my poor sister dreaded telling me she was pregnant, and I admit at the time I was a bit envious but the fact I was so happy for her won over in the end.

Rant away sometimes it's what we all need.

[BridgetandtheHairyBrigands]

Hello Celestial I agree with Geekster rant away - pregnancy loss is utterly heartbreaking and it is completely normal to have times when you feel like screaming, crying, ranting and raving (I certainly do).

I think your reaction to your sister's news is completely normal too. It is bound to be a painful reminder of what you have lost and the unfairness of it all. It is a bit trite but when I hear other people's pregnancy announcements I try to keep reminding myself that they aren't having my baby - it sometimes helps a little.

The best thing anyone has ever said to me about my miscarriage was said to me by a friend who had also been through one. She simply said "It's completely shit isn't it?" and gave my hand squeeze. I think that sums it up pretty well.

[Celestialcloud]

Thank you, it's not that I wish it was me instead, I just wish that I was still pregnant and she was too. Then we'd have cousins close in age and it would be ace. With any luck we still will just I'll have the younger one.
I think it just brought home that I'm not pregnant anymore and I'm not over that, I thought that I'd moved on but I suppose its not that easy.
I spoke with a family member who helped a lot, they said I should cry it out. I think it's worked.
It's just so hard when you really really want something to relax so that you've got better chances of getting there. I wish I could just get my brain rewired.

[Celestialcloud]

X post.
Thanks Bridget, that's actually really helpful and a perspective that hadn't really crossed my mind. That does seem to make the terms simpler somehow and easier to deal with.
It is so completely shit and unfair. Why can't medical advances do anything? I kind of knew it might happen because of my family history but I still couldn't prepare for it.
Thanks for responding to my ranting everyone, I do think its helped and I am feeling less hopeless. I really appreciate you taking the time.

[Geekster]

Hi Celestialcloid, I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. Bridget talked a lot of sense and she's right miscarriage is shit. I don't think anything can prepare you for how shit it is. You are right it's a vicious circle you desperately want to be pregnant but can't relax, then when you find out you are pregnant you still can't relax.

I hope you have some good news soon and wish you the best of luck for the future.