What are the things to do to help friend?

(8 Posts)
sleepdodger Thu 03-Jan-13 07:21:46

Thank you all, much appreciated

JBrd Wed 02-Jan-13 23:50:59

Might not be everybody's cup of tea, but 3 of my friends sent me a lovely flower arrangement (not a bouquet, it was in a plant pot) after I had told them I was having a miscarriage. It reduced me to floods of tears because I was so touched by this gesture.

One of my friends said to me 'I'm so sorry, it's really really shit', which I found more helpful than anything else - comments like 'It's very common' or 'You've got a DS, so at least you know you can have children' (this one actually from the consultant who did the scan that showed the empty sac!) did not go down well.

Agree with the others on this thread, you don't need to do 'big' gestures, it's the little things that your friend will remember - a card, bringing food/chocolates/flowers, that sort of thing. Or sometimes just a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on, if she wants that.

MrsJohnDeere Wed 02-Jan-13 23:23:22

Taking food round is a great idea. Even if she doesn't feel like eating she'll be deeply touched by the thought.

Keep talking to her particularly in a couple of weeks time or more when she may seem outwardly to be coping and 'over' it.

The best thing that one of my friends did for me was show me silly clips on YouTube - something we've never done before - that made me laugh and took my mind off things for a while in the grim early days.

DewDr0p Wed 02-Jan-13 22:30:14

Basically I would echo what Irishmammy said. There are no words that help much, I am afraid so just tell her how sorry you are. I felt sad that no one ever really mentioned it or asked how I was, so maybe let her know that you are there whenever she needs you. I found it hard to initiate a conversation about it but remember one friend gently asking how I was and it all came tumbling out.

I didn't feel like going out much for a while but it was nice to have visitors and I watched tons of trashy comedy DVDs to take my mind off things. I guess what that shows is how personal everyone's reaction is.

Irishmammybread Wed 02-Jan-13 22:22:41

You sound like a caring friend, she's lucky to have you supporting her.
The Miscarriage Association has a downloadable file on their website specifically for friends and family, it talks about things to say or not say.
Bringing dinner is a lovely idea. I really appreciated the cards I got and people texting just to let me know they were thinking of me even if I wasn't up to talking much at the time. In the weeks after the event it was nice to have a few friends who still let me know they were there if I wanted to talk, a lot of people seemed to think once I was over things physically it was finished and forgotten but I was still hurting and affected by it months later, I don't think it's something you ever "get over" fully.
You could also suggest Mumsnet to her, I found these threads very supportive and it's a chance to connect with people who've been through the same and understand what you're feeling, also to have a rant or maybe say things you don't want to say to family/friends.
It would be nice to make a note of her edd and let her know you're thinking of her around the time the baby would be due, another difficult time.

Lafaminute Wed 02-Jan-13 21:59:08

In my experience the best help was not really words but people who could take my older (then 5) dd during the mc and immediate aftermath - that was basically my mum and one brilliant friend. I knew that others wanted to help but couldn't really. It is so private and so devastating as it feels so lonely because you have lost a baby but not one that is ever acknowledged. The hospital gave me very helpful literature about it all with bookmarks acknowledging my loss and that helped. I also got comfort from speaking with people who had also suffered similar but I suppose I didn't really want to discuss it with just anyone. I'm very sorry for your friend but glad she's got such a good pal. My closest friend was a rock but I don't think she ever really asked about it - though she did bring dinner round and took DD to the playground a few times. Someone told me that after your baby's due date it will get easier and it did - not immediately but thereabouts.

Bessie123 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:49:56

Taking dinner round is a great idea. Don't keep trying to make her talk to you about it. Tell her you're sorry and ask her if she wants to talk. If she says no, leave her alone. People sticking their noses in all the time and wanting to go on and on about how you feel is almost as upsetting as losing the baby imo. It's a private thing, I'm sure she will let you know how you can be there for her. It's nice you want to help.

Bottle of wine or gin wouldn't hurt either.

sleepdodger Wed 02-Jan-13 21:44:46

I'm sorry if this isn't the appropriate place, but I'm after advice
V good Friend seems to be having early miscarriage
Clearly devastated
I'm very aware of some of the 'helpful' lines being so awful, but don't want to seem like I've not offered support
If you've been in her awful situation what words did you appreciate hearing, I'm more aware of what not to say
Is there anything pctical I can do, taking her dinner round seems a bit much/ fussy almost
I just want her to feel supported but not crowded
Again if this isn't the right section please can mnhq move it, the last thing I want is to be innaproroate here
Thanks

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