I had a second-trimester stillbirth at 19 weeks, a little less than three months ago, in early September. I was at my parents' home when this happened, in another city (1000 km away). Around a month back, I had to make some decisions on what to do over the festive season. We usually celebrate Christmas with my parents (my husband's family doesn't celebrate it at all). I was not very comfortable with the idea of being there for the celebration -- extended family with babies are bound to be around, and on the whole, the symbolism of a baby and hope is kicking me in the gut. So I told my parents I was going to be away (in a third city) spending time with a friend who is soon moving out of the country. However, I did say I would probably be at their place for a couple of days just before the New Year.
Fastforward another month to today, and I am just dreading the thought of going there at all. My parents are terribly sociable and usually have a dozen people come over for something or the other on any given day. This means a lot of encounters with people I am not necessarily comfortable with, who know what has happened. I frankly feel more comfortable in my own space, where I can meet people I choose to meet and avoid others I can't cope with, or at my friend's house, where the same is true.
The only problem is that they took it for granted I'd be there. Further complicating things is the fact that they have a landmark anniversary coming up in mid-January. They've said that it's okay if I skip that small celebration, as I will be around just two weeks previously. But I don't know if I want to be.
I don't want them to feel like I'm rejecting them or avoiding them but I actually am, because in some odd way, I can't cope with their grief and disappointment. They were grieved and very traumatized. It can't be easy having to stand by helplessly as your daughter gives birth to your first grandchild, knowing that he's already dead. It's strange, but I feel like I let them down in some terrible way. Phone conversations with them have never been as stilted and monosyllabic as they are now. I don't dare cry on the phone with them because it upsets them, but I don't feel cheerful.
And I still haven't quite gotten over the fact that I should have been heavily pregnant for both Christmas and their anniversary and we had made plans months ago around that fact.
Sorry for the epic, I'm partly just venting. What would you do? Go there or just skip it? I could deal with having them at my place, but they won't come here for either celebration.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Festive season plans
10 replies
literaryone · 29/11/2012 11:56
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