Neonatal loss at 27 weeks how will I cope?

(29 Posts)
Rosduk Sat 24-Nov-12 18:10:11

Yesterday I lost my baby boy Thomas after an emergency c section at 27+2. Reduced fetal movements made my go into hospital to get checked and within the hour my little boy was born at 2lbs 1oz. He was immediately resuscitated and fought for an hour before he passed. He was so perfect, in every way. He looked just like his big sister and after 2 hours of cuddles my heart broke once again as they took him away.

I just don't know how to get through this. I know time is a healer but not only is the recovery from the section painful but emotionally I just don't know how to cope.

I really don't know what I want people to say I just needed to tell my story.

Thanks for reading

missymoomoomee Thu 29-Nov-12 21:43:20

So sorry I never noticed you had replied, I was just coming back to see how you are. How did it go today?

I think people tend to forget about Dads in this situation, its really sad.

DO NOT feel guilty, I know its easy to say, but you would never have known in a million years that this would happen.

I think for a while its sort of like watching tv when you are watching other peoples lives move on, and it seems to go so quickly, but you are still stuck in this hell. It does feel better eventually, I promise, I don't know if it gets better or you just find a way to cope with it.

Rosduk Tue 27-Nov-12 11:58:31

DP is really struggling. He's trying to be too strong. We have a debrief on Thursday to find out what happened. At first I didn't want him touched but after much consideration we decided on a full postmortem as if we want to have another child I'd like to try and find out what happened to give us the best chance. We had already had a Cvs which was all clear after a 1:10 ration so that should apparently cut down the wait time for results. I'm beginning to feel better physically which is upsetting me. I keep thinking that friends and families life will return to normal but we will still be suffering. I then feel guilty for wishing I just hadn't got pregnant in the first place.

missymoomoomee Mon 26-Nov-12 17:42:15

Have you asked for all of the information from it or just a summary letter?

I'm glad you are at home now and feeling physically a bit better.You know we are all here for you to talk to any time you need us, you aren't alone, there are all too many of us that have been through the same loss sad and will help you as best we can.

Be gentle on yourself, make sure you get lots of rest. Hows your DP? xx

Rosduk Mon 26-Nov-12 17:18:46

Physically much better can get about a lot easier and was discharged from hospital yesterday evening. Emotionally I am very up and down. Will definitely have to take each day as it comes. One hour I feel positive- then I come crashing down again. Now the editing game for the post mortum...

missymoomoomee Mon 26-Nov-12 10:13:29

How are you today? Xx

Oh god rosduk 14 months ago I wrote a very very similar post to your op. I'm so so sorry you lost your precious Thomas. I was 35 weeks pg when I went in with reduced movements - my beautiful dd2 was delivered by emcs within 2hrs but sadly also failed to be resuscitated and died in my arms an hour later. Our post mortem showed she had fetal cancer. Like you I had an older dd who was 4.5. The shock is incredible, even now I struggle to reconcile in my head the speed that everything happened at. You went from being happily pregnant to bereaved mummy in the space of hours sad At the moment don't even think day by day just get through each hour.

There will be some hard hard decisions to make over the coming days whilst you also deal with the hard physical recovery of the emcs. If you can start having a think about the post mortem, ask a doctor to sit down and explain all your options, you don't even have to have one - you can have just the placenta examined, there are lots of options. You will be asked about funeral arrangements; whether you would want the hospital to arrange a burial/cremation or to do it yourselves.

Please please ask me any questions you have;either on here or by pm. Much much love xx

curlypoo Sun 25-Nov-12 21:10:46

I am so sorry I have no experience of this but just wanted to send you some love from my family to yours.

amyboo Sun 25-Nov-12 21:05:20

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I lost my DS2 at 36 weeksin April. He was also called Thomas. It's the mosthorrible thing that can ever happen, and I completely understand you not feeling you want to deal with family right now. My DH and I very much dealt with our loss by ourselves, as we felt we were the only people who really knew our son...

I sadly can't say that the pain does away, but you do start to have fewer down days as time goes on. I'm now 19 weeks pregnant with DS3, due the very day we lost our DS2. It's helped a little, but I still think of my little boy Thomas every day.

My heart really oes out to you, because it is such an unimaginale thing to happen. Eeryone assumes that when you already have a child you can take comfort in that, but they don't understand that all the love you have for your second child suddenly now has nowhere to go.

missymoomoomee Sun 25-Nov-12 11:50:52

As far as the post mortum goes you can request to know as little or as much as you want. I opted not to know what they were going to do and when the results came back I didn't want the full medical report I asked them to send me a letter detailing what I needed to know.

The reason I chose to do it that way was because I know I can go at any point in time and get the full results if I want (I still haven't done this and its been 14 years and 6 years since my babies died), and I know I can have the process explained to me any time and I felt I was dealing with enough at that point anyway and tbh the results weren't going to change what had happened.

I hope you feel less painful in the morning and manage a massive squeezy hug with your daughter, sounds like you need it. Have you got any idea of when they are allowing you to go home? xxxx

shinyblackgrape Sun 25-Nov-12 10:54:54

"Sorry"

shinyblackgrape Sun 25-Nov-12 10:54:29

I'm so very dirty to read your post. I have nothing to ad to the wonderful advice you have had here but just wanted to acknowledge you and Thomas and say that I am thinking of you ((hugs))

In fact missymoo has said everything beautifully x

I am so so sorry for your loss. My dd was born extremely premature and I just don't have the words flowers xxxx

GothAnneGeddes Sun 25-Nov-12 03:05:27

I'm so very sorry to hear about Thomas.

There is a charity called Sands, aimed at supporting bereaved families in similar situations to yours

www.uk-sands.org/

They have lots of support and advice available for you.

Again, I am so very sorry.

twolittlebundles Sun 25-Nov-12 02:37:56

Rosduk I am so very sorry to hear that you have lost your beautiful son.

Rosduk Sun 25-Nov-12 01:59:39

Missy the dragonfly story truly moved me.
Thanks xxx

giraffesCantFlyLikeReindeer Sun 25-Nov-12 01:52:31

thinking of you x

Rosduk Sun 25-Nov-12 01:49:55

Thanks all- some wonderful advice. I'm def taking this one day at a time. The hospital is busy but the staff have been fantastic but the next hurdle is having the post mortum explained which every time I think about it my heart breaks that little bit more. My daughter is 18 months and I chose not to see her today as it will be emotional and with the c section pain I didn't feel it was right. I can't wait to see her in the morning though. I'm so glad she's too young to understand what I'd happening- involving older siblings must be so hard.

So sorry sad

stella1w Sat 24-Nov-12 21:36:21

So very sorry for your loss

missymoomoomee Sat 24-Nov-12 21:29:20

I am so very sorry for your devestating loss.

I haven't been in your exact situation but I have lost 2 children my son was 11 weeks old and my daughter was 2 weeks old.

Firstly you need to remember that your body has still gone through a birth although your little boy isn't here your body will react the same way as if he were. You need to see your doctor about getting something for your milk supply, the last thing you need is to be worrying about that too. I can't remember what I was given but I know there are various drugs.

Secondly you need to prepare yourself with an answer, people will ask and you don't want to be caught offguard. I kept it pretty short because I knew I couldn't handle going into details with aquaintences in the early days. Also for down the line prepare yourself for people asking how many children you have, I never put any thought into it and the first time it happened I stood there with my mouth open not saying a thing because I just didn't know what to say.

There are still things you can do for Thomas just now (if you are having a service for him). I found this a comfort somewhat but I wasn't prepared for after the funeral, DH was due back at his work when I needed him most and I wish I had someone around for at least a few days afterwards.

Don't look to the future and hope it will get better in x weeks or months, just now take every minute at a time and live through that, in a little while you can start thinking about the days ahead, then eventually weeks, but remember this road lasts a lifetime so don't let others push you into feeling better or putting on a brave face. This is your reality now.

Don't be in a rush to do anything with his things. If you don't want them around then box them up and put them out of the way but don't be hasty, how you are feeling now is no reflection on how you could be feeling next week.

I'm not sure how old your daughter is but I found this story very good for explaining loss to my kids.

Please be gentle on yourself, include your daughter in this too and don't be afraid to let her see you cry, don't push your DH away either you need each other.

I am just so very very sorry, I remember the first days all too well, but I promise you do get back to some sense of your new normality eventually. I'll light a candle for little Thomas when I light my babies candles later on tonight if you don't mind xxxxx

Maryz Sat 24-Nov-12 21:02:23

You will cope because you have to sad. And although it will always be hard, you will get used to it. I'm not saying you will get over it, because you won't, you will always remember Thomas, he will always be a part of your life, and a little bit of your heart will always be his.

But you will first get used to being sad, and then eventually you will manage to live with it and be happy again. Really, you will, even though you don't think so now. But don't force yourself, give yourself time to grieve, to be angry, to get used to it all. Be nice to yourself, and to your dp (who will also be grieving, but probably trying to be strong for you), give yourself time and space.

My thoughts are with you, and I am very sorry for your loss sad

HumphreyCobbler Sat 24-Nov-12 20:53:56

I felt very distanced from my family when I lost my son at 21 weeks. I found that I only wanted to see my DH (this was hard for them but they understood).

The feelings are indescribable sad

Strawhatpirate Sat 24-Nov-12 20:51:44

I have been in the same situation and I promise it will get better. All I can really say is take every day as it comes. If you ever need anyone to talk to I'll be here flowers

HumphreyCobbler Sat 24-Nov-12 20:51:03

I am so sorry. It is a terrible thing to happen. Life is just so unfair sometimes.

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