Please can you tell me I'm not crazy :(

(21 Posts)
babylann Thu 22-Nov-12 16:38:32

So it has been about 3 months since I last came to this section of the forum after finding out I had a mmc. I was convinced I was misdiagnosed, probably just because "I never thought it'd happen to me" and bleeding and some big clots later, I had a second scan and then agreed to an erpc, which went fine and was a relief at the end of a horrible fortnight.

At first, I felt okay, I settled on improving my health and mental wellbeing before trying again. I started a diet and exercise routine, I re-arranged the entire house for a fresh start. I even felt like it was a sign that I wasn't ready, that I should appreciate what I already have (amazing dd).

But as time has past I've become increasingly more unstable. I didn't see it happening, but now I see I'm a mess. I'm absolutely CONVINCED I'm still pregnant, despite the surgery. I take at least three (negative) tests a week. I check my belly with a doppler and convince myself I can hear something behind the static. I used to check about once a week. This week has spiralled though and I've probably spent at least 6 hours poking around my belly with the doppler... My insides hurt where I've pressed them too hard.

My "symptoms" are the occasional feeling of nausea, extreme fatigue, little rumbles in my belly that I convince myself are kicks, and most recently, my belly has firmed up. I was already overweight with a huge belly but since my miscarriage I lost almost 2 stone and yet my stomach is bigger, rounder, firmer. I'm not imagining that, at least, dp confirmed I "feel pregnant, like I felt with dd." I also haven't had a period since, only the odd day of spotting here and there, usually after sex.

He kept telling me to stop torturing myself and I said, I'm not torturing myself! Have you seen me cry or get upset about it? It's been on my mind butnot upsetting me. I would take a test, use the doppler, shrug and move on, temporarily satisfied that I'm not pregnant.

Until a few days later something confuses me andI'm back like a fool repeating the same actions expecting different results.

I don't necessarily even want to be pregnant, after the miscarriage I decided to get a place at uni and I'm loving it. Of course if I was pregnant, I would be over the moon. But I'm not desperate to be pregnant, or I would be ttc.

babylann Thu 22-Nov-12 16:40:05

Pressed create too early.

But I'm just wondering whether anyone can tell me they've felt like this? Or is the normal response a reluctant acceptance?

I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my mind sad

sundaesundae Thu 22-Nov-12 17:09:58

I think you need to go and talk to someone and get some councelling. Everyone reacts differently to the loss, but you are not alone and you deserve to be able to move on from this, which it sounds like you haven't. It is normal to be grieving and down, but this sounds like it is effecting your life and your health to some extent.

It may be something that you are naturally able to let go of as the time passes, but I really think you need to go and be honest with your GP about all of this, the mental and physical bits and get some help.

I also think it is very normal after an ERPC to not quite believe it happened, you are asleep, you wake up, they check you, they let you go home and you have some cramps and bleeding and no more. It doesn't physically feel the same as a "natural" miscarriage so is in some ways harder to get over.

I hope you manage to get passed this, it is hard and there is no time limit, but you don't have to struggle alone.

Sorry if any of this offends or upsets anyone, I would hope it doesn't.

babylann Thu 22-Nov-12 17:26:26

Thank you for your reply. I think you're right about talking to my gp but I'm scared to do so. It's never easy to tell someone you're having weird thoughts. I have booked an appointment for Tuesday but hadn't quite decided what to say when I go. I planned maybe just to mention not having a period since.

Everything I've read says you should have a scan after your erpc to confirm everything was removed but I never had one. Now, if I ignore my confusion over whether I'm still pregnant with a live baby, I can still find myself worrying they didn't remove everything.

When I went for my scan at 11 weeks they said the baby was gone already (re absorbed) but the sac was the right size for 11 weeks. What if it's the same now, that I have a 24 week pregnancy, just no baby inside me?

I know they told me at the hospital that they don't check the removed "products of conception".

The chances of any of the things I'm thinking being true are miniscule, and I'm usually quite logical.

sundaesundae Thu 22-Nov-12 17:36:35

Write it down and just hand it over, that is the easiest thing.

The doctors generally know what they are looking for and can and do scan whilst in theatre to make sure all gone, but if you have signs of infection or it is protocoled they will do a check back.

I think you need some reassurance that there is nothing there, hence talking about ALL of this is important not just the absence of periods needs talking about. Try and book a double appointment and print this thread out and take it with you, it will make things easier. No-one likes talking about these things, but GPs have heard it all and I really don't think how you are feeling is uncommon.

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 22-Nov-12 17:39:14

Agree with Sundae suggestion of writing it down and seeing doc, I hope you get some peace of mind soon OP

babylann Thu 22-Nov-12 17:43:24

No I didn't think it was uncommon until I did a google search and found the only stories I could find were on pro life sites saying these women felt the same as me and then it turned out they WERE still pregnant, God gave them a second chance etc. And obviously I don't want to go giving myself false hope, I only wanted to see whether this was a somewhat normal reaction.

I will take a letter to the doctor then I think. Do you think they would scan me, to give me peace of mind? I was hoping they would anyway, have had very irregular periods since dd was born and they've refused to do any form of investigation - preferring to put me on the pill instead. Would like to know if I have pcoas or something.

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 22-Nov-12 21:09:34

I think you should ask for a scan but they might be able to reassure you without one, you are doing the right thing by going to Dr, stay strong OP

sundaesundae Thu 22-Nov-12 21:29:53

I have had a miscarriage and I have had a termination on medical advice. Certainly after the termination I half expected a baby to turn up 6 months later, not to the extent you are, but I definitely did wonder if I could still be pregnant etc. but I didn't have that at all with my miscarriage.

I would ask for a scan and give all the reasons you want one emphasising the PCOS symptoms.

Lougle Thu 22-Nov-12 21:35:19

The other thing to bear in mind is that you can get psychological symptoms. If you are struggling with the miscarriage aftermath, you may find that your symptoms are part of your processing, mentally. Once you go to the GP, get it out in the open, you might find that the symptoms just disappear.

BangOffTrend Thu 22-Nov-12 21:51:02

Hi OP,

I agree with the others about going to see a GP and having a scan. We've had 4 MC and while I don't hold out any hope that I'm still PG after those I do find that I still hope to be even after a period, thinking things like maybe I was expecting twins and lost one or it was just a bleed. It's irrational, doesn't last and is just a way of dealing with monthly disappointment and distress.

You also make a good rational case but recovering from these things takes time so be easy on yourself, talk to your GP and enjoy your course and other good things in life.

babylann Thu 22-Nov-12 22:27:19

Thank you all for responses.

I have similar thoughts - particularly the hidden twin thing. The amount of excuses I've made to myself about how I could still be pregnant, ranging from "the baby was never really lost and then also survived the surgery", to "there was a secret twin that survived it" or even "the reason I miscarried was because one of those freak nature events happened where I conceived a new baby which forced the other one out". I blame all those magazines my grandma used to read when I was a younger girl that she would hand over to me when she was finished with them, where every story told of a tragedy or miracle.

It probably is psychological. I just wish this was all over.

Countmyblessings Fri 23-Nov-12 00:27:16

Babylann- nothing wrong with holding onto hope, but I agree go see your GP and get some advice! Your not the first to wish to still be pregnant after a silent loss, but its not healthy for your mind or your body and you need advice!
I have suffered 3 losses my last was in April had tube removed! Never even thought about how my life was going to be I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and so I believe in miracles and hope!!!

babylann Thu 29-Nov-12 17:24:33

Thanks again everyone.

Thought I should update that my doctor has scheduled for me to have an ultrasound. Should take about 4-6 weeks for the appointment to come through.

My feelings have only intensified. I felt the biggest "kick" last night, I was completely shocked. Today I've been feeling them constantly. Stupid thing is I know it's probably either in my mind or something else (like trapped wind). But I can't force myself to believe it fully.

I just want confirmation so I can stop feeling like I'm losing it!

jkb Fri 30-Nov-12 11:11:07

babylan- your story has really touched me & i feel your pain ... and wish I could help you more. I lost my baby 3 weeks ago at 19 weeks gestation- I too am devestated & after the scan that confirmed he had passed- found myself desperatly dopplering in case they had made a mistake :-(
My husband got quite cross with me at the time... but i just HAD to do it!!! How could ii let them induce me if there was a chance he was still alive (even tho i knew in my heart there was NO chance of this)
I then gave birth to him the next day & so for me....I saw him come out & as people have said in this thread- perhaps the fact you didnt SEE your baby makes things so difficult to understand & accept. I too feel sometimes that i can feel my little boy moving inside me.... but i know it cant be him...maybe just things reducing back to what they were in size or wind- but it hurts my feelings like hell.

I pray your scan comes through sooner to be honest- 4-6weeks is too long?? this is your mind & your sanity they are dealing with here- you need closure - YOU need to SEE the scan.... to see for yourself if your child is there or not... I dont think you can move on untill then hunny & so feel gutted for you they have delayed it.

In your heart of hearts.... do you really think you could be pregnant? I am not saying that in a horrid way- Im saying it in a way that i always feel that mums know best????
Have you had intercourse since losing?? could it be possible that you have fallen since? or could it be that the terrible trauma you have been through has triggered these thoughts & that you are completly traumatised by the whole thing that your body is almost convinced its pregnant?

I am so so sorry hunny..... I hope you find some peace & answers soon?
I want my baby back...I cannot bear feeling the way I do & wish for this nightmare to end & i wake up.... life is so bloody cruel xxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

babylann Sun 02-Dec-12 12:12:47

Thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry for your loss.. your post made me cry. You're
very strong. I didn't feel ready to offer advice to others 3 weeks after my mmc.

It does feel long to wait but I admit I was just relieved they offered me a scan at all.I thought they'd do a pregnancy test, or at most listen to my belly. If the doctor (she was a student) hadn't gone for advice from one of the official gps I doubt I would have been offered one and I would have been too timid to ask. But if I'm pregnant with the same baby I thought I'd lost I could be over 8 months by the time I get my scan! And I'm losing my mind, so knowing I have to wait over a month for final confirmation is scary.

I don't know what I think. I've always had this gut feeling that there's still a baby in there, I felt it within weeks of my erpc and it's only got stronger. But I'm usually quite logical so there's always the voice saying "then why are the tests negative? Why haven't I got a bigger belly? Could they really have missed it on two scans and in the surgery?"

The problem is I can always find an argument. I have a tilted uterus and apparently there's a higher chance of a misdiagnosed miscarriage when you have one. Some people say they never have a positive test even at 8 months, or that the placenta starts creating the hormone after a few months so it stops coming out in urine. The tilted uterus could also explain the fact that I don't have a huge bump, the baby could be further back. The surgery might have failed, I've heard it's happened before.

It's just that so many unlikely stars would
have to align for it to be possible. Can I really think I'm that special?

We have been having sex but using condoms. We weren't ready to start ttc straight away and then I started my degree so it stopped being a good time. It's still possible, I guess.

It could be trauma. In reality that's probably the case. You're right, life is horribly cruel sometimes. To people who know me, they'd probably say I came away unscathed. I can still spend time with my pregnant friend who was due at the same time as me and has chosen the name I wanted for mine. I can talk about my miscarriage as though "it's just one of those things". I'm a little scared of trying again but not so much that I never will. It's privately, in my mind, that I can see the damage has been done.

It's just not like me to be this way.

jkb Fri 14-Dec-12 17:42:50

Hi Babylann

How r u feeling hunny?? Are things any better? have you been given a date for your scan ? Are you still feeling pregnant?

Lots of love... been thinking of you xxx

jkb Sat 29-Dec-12 21:06:15

Hi hunny

Been thinking of u....how r u ? Xxxxx

212VIP Fri 11-Jan-13 19:11:36

Hi babylann
Did you get your scan results yet sweetheart? X

samsmother Thu 21-Mar-13 21:07:31

Hi babylann I've only just seen your thread and wondered whether you feel up to letting us know the outcome of your scan? I hope you're ok

babylann Sun 07-Apr-13 13:20:28

Hi everyone. I'm really sorry to have neglected this thread. I stopped coming on MN for the most part, and have been focusing on putting the mc behind me and looking to the future.

I had the scan at the end of January at which point I would have been 8.5 months pregnant. As bizarre as it sounds, I was still convinced there was a chance and cried when there was nothing on the scan (though I held it in until I was in the car). I was relieved it was all over, but stills somehow ended up googling whether anyone has had a pregnancy that didn't show up on a scan at full term! Argh, it makes me feel silly now.

I was obviously just suffering the mc still, even though I thought I was recovered. The scan did show pcos which explains the absence of periods since the mc. And now I'm just focused on losing weight (southat I can't convince myself I might be 8 months pregnant ever again! But also to help with the pcos) and having shifted a bit of weight and stopped stressing over the mc, my periods are back and I'm just looking to the future.

I know when I was suffering this I came across so many threads saying similar things to me but there was never an answer at the end of the thread to say "yes I was still pregnant" or "no I wasn't". I'm glad this thread will have an answer now for future visitors who Google the words that make this thread pop up.

Thank you all for remembering me, and sorry it took so long to reply x

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