lost my baby at 19 weeks gestation-do I have a service...so confused x

(12 Posts)
jkb Wed 21-Nov-12 17:44:41

Hello

I lost my dear angel 2 weeks ago- I was 19 weeks pregnant_ his heart just stopped one day & I had to be induced & gave birth to my beautiful angel Matthew.
I got a call from the undertaker earlier saying he has booked his cremation for next wednesday and will i be attending?
Right up till now I had decided I would not attend....I think i had decided this because he hadent lived & just thought it would be so terribly hurtful & could see it making the hurt worse & it just didnt feel right...possibly I felt this feeling because this is what people expected...he never lived so they all expect no service and all looked at me weird when i even asked about it- like I would be a freak for attending or having a service for a child at this gestation???? But he is still my perfect baby :-(
we said our goodbyes when i held him for 5 hours after i gave birth & we had him blessed & named by the chaplin. But i am now in a complete state on panic & am an emotional wreck! I dont know what is the right thing to do ??
I know that I dont want to do the wrong thing & have any regrets...i know I love him so much & that him not being in my tummy is killing me... I know I am having his ashes back & put into a special memory bear for babies ashes...but apart from that I have no idea what is the right thing to do??? and dont want to make a mistake & live to regret it either way.
Have any of you experienced this decision about a late miscarriage (hate that term)? What did you do?
please help xxx

confuddledDOTcom Wed 21-Nov-12 18:17:44

I'm sorry for your loss sad

I lost a little girl at 19+6, she died the next day at 3 hours. We had a full funeral for her (which cost us very little because the undertakers donate their time and don't charge for baby coffins) which was lovely and I'm glad we did it. It was hard at the time but I'm glad now I did it.

Have you been in touch with SANDS? They have resources about baby funerals that you might find helpful. Also I'd see if Joshua's Boxes are in your hospital and see what the bereavement department at the hospital have if you haven't already.

Just asked my husband. He said don't listen to anyone else, do what you feel is right, he said he certainly felt it was worth it.

jkb Wed 21-Nov-12 20:36:01

Thank you for your reply & your kindness xxx
I am sorry to hear about your little girl xx

we have made a decision & are going to be there - i think we were just doing what others expected & actually would have completly regreted it.

so do SANDS have information about funerals? I will have a look as I have no idea - this is not something I have had to deal with before :-(

Thank you to you & your husband for your advice xx

can I ask you did you have a post mortem with your little girl? we are awaiting our results and are desperate to know what happened- but may never know :-(

3b1g Wed 21-Nov-12 20:41:22

So sorry to hear this happened to you. Two of my pregnancies ended at 20 weeks. Both times we had a v.small service (me, DH, minister and minister's wife who had experienced a similar loss). I also found SANDS very helpful, and I made a memory box for each baby with the blankets we had wrapped them in at the hospital, footprints etc. I know how horribly painful this is and my heart goes out to you.

3b1g Wed 21-Nov-12 20:47:36

This poem gave me some comfort at the time. I hope it does the same for you.

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/an-angel-never-dies/

jkb Wed 21-Nov-12 20:56:52

Don't let them say i was never born,
that something stopped my heart,
i felt each tender squeeze you gave,
i loved you from the start,
although my body you can't hold,
it doesnt mean im gone,
this world was worthy not of me,
god chose that i move on,
i know the pain that drowns your soul,
what you are forced to face,
you have my word, i'll fill your arms,
someday we will embrace,
you'll hear that it was 'meant to be,
god doesn't make mistakes, '
but that wont soften your worst blow,
or make your heart not ache,
i'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bare,
believe me when i say to you,
that i am always there,
there will come a time i promise you,
when you will hold my hand,
stroke my face, and kiss my lips,
and you'll understand,
although i've never breathed your air,
or gazed into your eyes,
that doens't mean i never 'was, '
An Angel never dies! ! !

Thank u so so much for this- such a sad poem but also such a true one with such true words xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

confuddledDOTcom Wed 21-Nov-12 21:49:57

jkb, it's been a long time since we arranged the funeral so my memory on the hand outs we recieved is a little hazy, but I do seem to remember getting something on funeral arrangements from them. You mustn't do what people expect you to do because it's expected, this is your time and your time to be totally selfish, do what you need to do. This is your only chance to do this and whilst others will move on and forget, you never will move on and you don't want to regret anything.

We didn't have a PM because she was born alive, babies with something wrong with them don't survive birth at that age, so we knew that something was wrong with me. It took three months to do all the tests and there was pages of results, each result on a seperate bit of paper that was stuck down. I have no idea how many or what tests they did! They did find an answer and because of that I have gone on to have three more little girls and I'm pregnant again. I would recommend Antiphospholipid testing to anyone who has lost a baby past the first trimester (I'd say earlier too but they're not likely to earlier before you've had three losses)

I love that poem. The first time I read it I sent it straight to my husband. Some time later I was going through my sent emails and realised I had sent it to him around the time we concieved our eldest LC. Rereading it with that in mind the line another child you'll bare made me cry, especially as at the time I got pregnant we'd not had a diagnosis. Every time I read it that line jumps out at me.

Here's another poem I like to read when I feel that people are trying to impose their ideas on me.

Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know,
Don't tell me that I will survive
Or how I will surely grow.

Don't tell me that this is just a test
That I am truly blessed
That I am chosen for this task
Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgement
Of the bounds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer
And don't tell me how to cry!

My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But, I need you now,
I need your love, unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, "My friend, I care."

By Joanetta Hendel
Bereavement Magazine

amyboo Thu 22-Nov-12 08:22:02

I lost my DS2 a little later, at 36 weeks, is past April. Like you, at first I thought I would just want to say goodbye when we held him in hospital. But, DH and I ended up going to the cremation where we played a few songs that meant something to us. It was very emotional, but I'm so glad we did it. Edidn't want anyone else there as we felt only we had really known our little boy.

My advice, just do what you feel is right. It gets a little easier with time I promise, but there will always be dark days. Sending you lots of hugs.

When you feel ready, we have a thread on the conception section of Mums who have lost babies to late miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death and are now starting all over again. They're a very supportive and understanding bunch, so it might help you to talk on there when you feel up to it.

BartletForTeamGB Fri 23-Nov-12 11:30:06

I lost DD at 18 weeks. We did her burial with just me, DH, 1 yo DS, our minister and a very close friend. The following day, we had a short 30 min service at church with a couple of songs, a short sermon, and prayers. I felt really silly initially about it, but people were very encouraging about it and it was so lovely to have so many friends (about 50 people came from church) to recognise that our baby had been alive and was now in heaven, and that we had lost her.

BartletForTeamGB Fri 23-Nov-12 11:31:21

I also really dislike the phrase "late miscarriage". I know precisely why it is the medical term and I don't object to that, but it just doesn't get across that I had to be induced, to go into labour, to deliver a proper baby.

weegiemum Argentina Fri 23-Nov-12 11:37:55

There is a story from my first year on mumsnet, which I think of when I see such sad posts as yours. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

I don't know if this poster is still here, but I don't think she'd mind me sharing her story of her son's stillbirth at 19 weeks in 2003.

DramaticGene Sat 24-Nov-12 18:07:58

Having been throught the same thing (almost 17 weeks) I would say Go. We had a small service with just Me, Dh and Minister who blessed him for us on the ward. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I'm glad that i went. DH was adament he was going to attend but I stuggled with the idea for a while. In the end it was about the only thing I could do for a child that we would never know. For us, it didn't seem right having others there as they had not been through the experience with us. You are sadly and unluckily at the start of a long road, m'dear, and you have my very warmest and most sincere good wishes on it. You will survive this and you will learn to live with it. I keep checking back here (nearly 2 years on) for support and encouragement that is lacking in the real world of family and friends. Unless you've been through it, you simply can't understand.

Re causes, it takes ages to find anything.... months in our case for post mortem and then nothing found. More months went by and then a blood clotting issue was diagnosed. Keep hassling the docs for answers.

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