Just found out it was a boy....

(10 Posts)
combinearvester Sat 24-Nov-12 14:33:02

I had a late loss of a baby girl and I only have boys otherwise. It is very very painful, particularly when people who don't know (and those who do) make the usual crap comments about gender - don't you wish you had a girl, are you going to try for a girl, blah blah blah....

I was told straight out by the consultant when we received the postmortem results and it was a massive shock and as you say made the grief sharper.

There's not much I can say right now that can help, only that it all becomes less raw as time goes on, and if you do decide to go for another pregnancy make sure you have someone you can discuss things really really honestly with. Also avoid feeling guilty at all costs but of course that's easier said than done.

milki Sat 24-Nov-12 10:10:44

I just got an appointment letter to see my consultant in three weeks. I think I might use your idea of getting him to write down the sex so I can look at it later or not at all. It feels all so surreal - I have had a busy week at work and was feeling normal, but this is just bubbling away beneath the surface and I have to face it every now and then, like getting the letter this morning and also DP brought up whether to try for another baby last night. Feels weird. The pregnancy I lost was a complete surprise but a happy one, and I suppose by 16 weeks we had well and truly got our heads around having another baby and that hasn't gone away. I wouldn't have planned to have another child though. Think we'll just wait a while to make that decision - and now there is the added anxiety that if we did go for it, there might be difficulties getting pregnant or might loose the baby again..... Life was so much simpler 6 months ago! x

goosey123 Wed 21-Nov-12 22:46:10

Thanks for all your replies. Sorry to read about your loss milki - but it really helps to read your experience, I haven't met many people who have had a loss between the 12 and 20 week scan. I do sometimes feel guilty that I haven't made more of the baby like doing a burial and all that. Its unreal isn't it, the baby had been kicking about on the 12 week scan and I'd felt it kicking about inside me. But when they confirmed the miscarriage on a scan at 16 weeks, it no longer looked like a baby which kind of made it easier for me to detach.

I was undecided for weeks whether to find out sex. I was put off by the thought of actually hearing the words and potentially having a melt down. It worked well for me in the end, the dr handed me a letter with the sex results mentioned in. DP (king of the detached way of coping!) went off to work, and i went and sat on a bench in the park and read the letter. I'm glad I did it alone as we deal with things in different ways. Its wierd how you find a way to navigate through all this shit. Now to decide whether or not to ever embark on this pregnancy business again (thats if I am ever lucky enough to get pregnant again...)

I hope you are doing ok x

milki Wed 21-Nov-12 22:03:45

goosey really sorry that you lost your baby. I had mmc at 16 weeks 3 weeks ago and medical management in hospital - I didn't look at the foetus because I felt exactly as you described - didn't want to turn an abstract loss into a real baby. I have thought a lot about what gender it might have been though, and it always upsets me when I do dwell on that so I think I can empathise a bit with you. I haven't had a follow up appt with consultant yet and am completely torn about whether to ask. I also have two DDs so the though of a son really floors me. I have definitely used detachment as a coping mechanism and feel like I am doing ok, but I also get twangs of guilt about ignoring that it was a little baby sad

So I don't really have anything to say that will help you, aside from that I think I know a bit about what you are feeling x

nellyjelly Wed 21-Nov-12 21:03:19

Aw that is so sad OP. I am so sorry to hear. TAke care of yourself. Plant a little plant or let a balloon go or something to mark his memory.

goosey123 Wed 21-Nov-12 20:59:38

No, we haven't named him. I suppose thats why I'm finding it all a bit wierd, I've kept quite detached from it all and tried to view it all as an early loss when you don't know anything about who it was or why it happened, and you don't feel so bad about losing it down the toilet (maybe you always feel bad about that bit, but if I detached myself I didn't feel so bad). It's helped me move forward. And now its suddenly like he was a real little person. I will name him in my head. In the long run I think it helps me to know, its just reignited a bit of pain. I'm sure I would feel exactly the same if it was a girl - it's just really turned the baby into a little person, which I guess I tried hard to block out.

RancerDoo Wed 21-Nov-12 19:43:42

Oh I'm sorry for your loss OP.

MrsJohnDeere Wed 21-Nov-12 19:41:37

So sorry sad

Haylebop12 Wed 21-Nov-12 14:56:51

So sorry for your loss OP.

Hand holding here if you need.

Did you give him a name?

goosey123 Wed 21-Nov-12 14:54:45

I didn't think it would throw me this much. I'm not sure even why I'm posting. But haven't told anyone, and i can't believe I had a little baby boy inside me. I miscarried 7 weeks ago at 16 weeks. I'd had cvs but had declined knowing sex, and then when things went wrong i couldn't face asking. I had my follow up appointment today, and asked them to write the sex down so I could look at it in private. DP was at work when I looked.

Anyway, I've been fine the last few weeks, maybe a bit too fine. So an emotional hiccup may be a good thing. Its just that we have 2 girls, and I hadn't realised how badly I wanted my little boy. I actually can't beleive we could make a boy, thought it would be girls all the way. Just wish I was finding out with a nice healthy full term baby. There we go. In some ways I think we are lucky to know more about the baby we lost, unlike people who lose them earlier. But its suddenly turned my detached abstract loss into a real person, which i suppose is buggering up my coping mechanism.

Good to get it off my chest. I will know put on the smile and go on the school run. Ho hum.

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