Emotional recovery from miscarriage - how long?

[MrsJohnDeere]

I had an ERPC just over 3 weeks ago (MMC showed up at 12 weeks scan). Physically I was back to normal after a couple of weeks (aside from a couple of clots this week). Emotionally, I thought I was basically fine in a 'sad but coping and getting on with things' sort of way. Then last night, out with friends, I burst into tears (prompted by a discussion about babies and whether or not people were having more), and today I keep bursting into tears out of nowhere.

[Geekster]

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Your question is a hard one to answer, everyone is different. For me personally it did get better over a few months, I could start to talk about it without bursting into tears. It doesn't happen overnight you don't suddenly wake up one morning feeling better. Even when you think you are back to normal something can trigger the miserable feelings again. You only had a miscarriage three weeks ago, you need to give yourself time and be kind to yourself. I think you are so busy dealing with it physically to start with that you don't process it emotionally straight away. How you are feeling is normal don't ever feel daft you feel how you feel. All I can say is it does get better and wont be as painful as this forever.

Sending a tissue and a hug take care xx

[MrsJohnDeere]

Thank you.

It helps just to ramble about things here. I just feel so fragile at the moment, and am starting to avoid people (acquaintances rather than friends) because I'm worried something they say might make me cry.

[Geekster]

It feels horrible doesn't it. Theses boards are good for getting your feelings down without having to actually speak, I wish I'd known about them when I had my miscarriages. I hated having to face people I remember going back to work and everyone knew I'd miscarried it was awful. Just cry as much as you need to don't feel embarrassed or ashamed you have gone through a massive shock and will feel fragile.

Big hug xx

[RileyLeeHargreaves2012]

I lost My first child at 23 weeks, he wad a perfect active baby... he loved the sound off his daddies voice :-). I lost him April 6th this year :-(

I'm only 18, I asked my mum if it ever got easier, she lost her first baby at 7 weeks from cotdeath... that was 23 years ago, she said you learn to carry on, you will always think about your baby and you gave them days you just want to blank everyone and stay in bed.

I honestly see where she's coming from I had a second m/c in August.

I started a health and social care course and we learn about pregnancy everytime I see pictures of or hear about a 23week baby I cry and its 7 months on :-(.

I'm really really sorry to hear about your loss, if you ever need anyone to talk to write on here, There brilliant people. Take care. X

[PicaK]

I think it depends how kind to yourself you are. If you let yourself grieve and feel sad and recover slowly then you gradually get better. If you bustle on and try and cope and don't give ypurself any slack. Or get cross with yourself when you get upset it takes a lot longer - from personal experience anyway.

It does get easier but it never goes

[MrsJohnDeere]

Hmm, interesting point about bustling on. That's exactly what I have been doing. This week, for example, I've gone on a mad spring cleaning blitz and redecorated two rooms. I've also been getting a bit carried away with retail therapy - one new car, a holiday, and lots of clothes (although did return most of those ). I've been trying to keep busy so that I don't need to think about things, I suppose.

[resipsa]

Hi mrsJD. Sorry for your loss. Had the same thing in March. It does get easier to talk about in a matter of fact way after a couple of months but still can take the wind out of your sails unexpectedly, particularly when you're near the due date that never was (as I am now). I feel cheated at the moment and find it hard to see very young babies and pregnant women but the feelings are fleeting rather than long lasting. Not sure if that helps but be kind to you and talk about it if and when you can even if others seem uncomfortable!

[messtins]

I think it's a "how long is a piece of string?" question, different for everyone. It does gradually get easier though. I've had 2 MC, one 3 yrs ago and one 9 weeks ago, and I've definitely recovered better this time, partly because it was less of a shock and I had almost expected things to go wrong, partly because I've been through it all once and recognise the stages. Grief is a process and you need to allow yourself to experience each stage to get to acceptance. I've never stopped having occasional sad moments when I think about the baby I lost 3 years ago but it doesn't overwhelm me and it doesn't affect how I feel about babies or pregnancy in general any more. Don't bottle it up, it will only return to bite you on the bum at some point. I found it hugely helpful to have some sort of memorial ceremony to say goodbye, it gives you a bit of the closure you'd normally get at a funeral. Nothing fancy - plant a tree, light a candle, release a balloon.. whatever means something to you.
It's very early days for you. Many people IRL will expect you to be back to normal extremely quickly so they don't have to feel uncomfortable about what happened. You need to find some people that you can talk honestly to (these boards very useful for that) when you are having a bad day.

[literaryone]

Hello, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I struggle with the question of when I'm going to feel better. Had a late (19 weeks) miscarriage nearly three months ago. I have found that the irritating cliche people have been trotting out to me, that time heals all wounds, is somewhat true -- but I feel it doesn't heal, it only makes things less raw.

People will expect you to go back to "normal" very soon, just because they are mostly uncomfortable with your grief. Please do try to find a space where you can grieve openly and not bottle it up. Some of my friends are being wonderful (strangely, the most helpful ones are all men), I go to a counsellor once a week, and after having a couple of bad weeks with my husband, who is on a different grief timeline and has moved on to feeling much better much faster than I have, we were able to talk things over so that he remains supportive but doesn't feel obliged to feel as bad as me. And now I've found message boards and hope these will be a safe space too.

[stmalo]

sorry to hear this, it does take time.
My first miscarriage at 14.5 weeks took a long time to get over, I had erpc too, and I spent a couple of months searching for answers which I din't get, I started to feel stronger emotionally for about a month, and then lost it again for a while and couldn't look at other pregnant women, hated all the discussions about babies, and pregnancies etc. I would say it took a good 6 months to feel ok, but I do think people either won't talk to you about it because they don't know what to say or don't know how you will react, so it all gets brushed under the carpet for you to deal with on your own.

It does get better and we're all different. The thing that helped me was work - strangely - I threw myself into a project that took up a lot of time and it really helped. Lots of people suggested counselling, but it wasn't for me - but it could be for you, think about it.
Good luck x

[MrsJohnDeere]

Thank you for all the kind and wise words. It really helps to 'talk' /vent to people who understand.

After I started this thread things did feel much better for a week or so, then I had my follow-up appointment at the weekend and that has really knocked me for six. It didn't help that it was on the same day as a school fundraiser - a nearly new sale of baby clothes, toys etc of all things. I had lots of other school mothers talking to me about it, saying things like ' you won't need baby stuff any more', you should come etc etc. They had no idea I had been pg, so had no idea how insensitive they were being. One even gave me a hard time that morning for not coming and supporting the event, clearly didn't believe my excuses about having to be somewhere else, and I burst into tears. I 've been avoiding her ever since and haven't explained.

Anyhow, fast forward to the appointment. I expected it to be a formality, box ticking kind of thing, but no. Turns out that the histology from the ERPC came back and shows that I had a partial molar pregnancy. The chances are slim but this could develop into cancer (albeit a treatable form). I have been referred to an oncology unit and have to have hcg monitoring and bloods taken every fortnight for at least 6 months. I absolutely cannot get pg, even if I wanted to, for a year.

I was fine when the consultant told me. He was very matter or fact (but personable with it) and explained things well, so I just went off feeling a bit shaken but basically ok. Then driving home, an hour or so later, I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. I know I'm almost certainly going to be fine and not die of cancer but I can't help fearing the worst. It is a real struggle to hold things together at the moment. I keep thinking to myself 'why me?' 'what did I do wrong?'.

[MrsJohnDeere]

Oops, that was a bit of an epic one

[literaryone]

MrsJohnDeere, I'm so very sorry to hear this. Here's hoping the test results over the next six months just stay normal.

It's also crap that you'll have to wait a year to try again to conceive.

The "why me" question is one we all ask ourselves. For me, it helps to think that there are some things I just can't control and that are just random. Wishing you some acceptance. But do remember that all the ranting and raving and crying and questioning is necessary and not to be denied. Only by going through those emotions, in whatever way and whatever form, do things start feeling at all better -- I just let myself grieve every day for a while, rather than stifle it, and don't guilt-trip myself about the negative thoughts that come from that dark place inside.

[stmalo]

oh mrsjohndeere - I do hope your tests are good. What a difficult situation to be in, and so unfair, I hope you have plenty of support , good luck xxxxx