I wonder if you can give me some advice....

(7 Posts)
sadgranny Thu 01-Nov-12 15:51:02

Hello, I wonder of any of you would be willing to give me some advice. My son and lovely dil have had recurrent miscarriages sad. They recently had a mmc at 14 weeks, after having seen a healthy baby with a good heartbeat a couple of weeks earlier sad sad and dil had an erpc.

I know that there is nothing that I can do that will make any of this easier for them, but if any of you can give me any advice I'd be really grateful. I saw a thread somewhere else on mn, where the mil had been unsympathetic and had told some other people (when she'd specifically been asked not to). I would never do anything like that, but I was sad that so much of the advice on that thread was never to speak to the mil again.

I live close to my son and dil, and we feel quite close as a family. I have tried to give practical help whenever I'm asked (taking a sick note to dil's work etc) but I tend to wait for them to ask. I had been thinking that it's best to take my lead from them but I don't want them to feel that I've forgotten about them, or what has happened. For example I know that next week (on the birthday of another family member) would have been the due date of one of dil's previous babies, and I just don't know what to do - leave them to support each other in their sadness, or let them know I'm thinking about them. I really don't want to be interfering, or for them to think that there is any pressure or expectation.

Thanks in advance, if any of you can help.

mameulah Thu 01-Nov-12 17:59:04

You sound like such a lovely person. Your dil and ds are very lucky.

We suffered a missed miscarriage in November last year. We have been very fortunate and fell pregnant again quickly, our baby is due any day now. But I still think about out miscarried pregnancy often and am very aware that it is nearly a year since it happened. I cannot even imagine the despair that your dil and ds are feeling and I am so sorry for their loss, and ofcourse your loss too.

I think it is really important that you have recognised the date that their baby was due. Obviously, you know the people involved, but I think that saying something to your son along the lines of 'I want you both to know that I am aware that your baby was due on ........ and this must be a hard time for you both. If I can do anything to support you then will you please let me know? I don't want to intrude because I understand it is very personal.'

This lets them know you value their experience and it gives them the opportunity to include you if that is what they want. I coped with what happened to us by crying enough tears to fill and ocean and by being very private. Up to five months of this pregnancy, whilst being delighted, I grieved and still grieve the baby we lost.

We found out our baby was gone at the twelve week scan. It must be so difficult for your dil, ds and ofcourse you and your family. I think that when I fell pregnant with the baby we are now expecting it seemed that many people thought we were 'filled up with a new baby' and had stopped being sad. This was so far from the truth. The other thing that I really resented/resent was people force feeding me conversations about babies in order to get me to speak.

You sound like a lovely compassionate person. I am sure that what you are doing is helping more than you know already.

Sorry for the long splurge, hope it helps.

mousebacon Thu 01-Nov-12 21:42:43

You sound do lovely. My husband and I suffered 2 losses before DS2 was born 5 months ago and it was truely, the most awful time of our lives.

I agree with mameulah, just letting them know that you're thinking of them and there for them should they need you is probably all they need.

Are they being tested for the causes for the mc's? If you think your dil would like more support could you mention MN? There's no way I could have been so brutally honest about my losses with my family as I was with people on here - and the support I received was amazing.

Good luck, I hope your DS and DIL have a successful pregnancy soon.

sadgranny Fri 02-Nov-12 09:52:56

Thank you for your replies, and sorry to hear about your own sad stories. You are right about the awful mixture of feelings with any subsequent pregnancy - I could see the mixture of excitement and sadness and fear during this most recent one.

Irishmammybread Fri 02-Nov-12 21:51:56

sadgranny you sound like a lovely mil!
I agree with Mameulah ,I think it's definitely a good idea to make them aware you remember the due date.
I've had three miscarriages this year and the due date from my first one was last week,no one remembered, partly because I've had two more losses since I suppose ,the most recent in early Sept and there are so many dates it all gets a bit blurred, but to Mum those dates are irrevocably fixed in your mind!
My mil was of a mind from the outset that it was best not to talk about the miscarriages and try to forget about it which of course is impossible, but it's the way she deals with things.
Sometimes you want things to be normal and of course life goes on but it is difficult when a few months after such a huge loss people seem to assume you should be recovered. Having a quick text from some one, or a hug or just having someone let you know they still are thinking about you and are there for you really does make a difference.
I am lucky to have three children already and I love them very much but will never stop missing and yearning for the three little ones I've lost.
The Miscarriage Association has a downloadable leaflet for family and friends discussing dealing with miscarriage.
I've found Mumsnet a great support too!

messtins Sat 03-Nov-12 21:35:02

I think it will mean a huge amount to them that you've remembered. I've had 2 MC and will never forget the anniversary and due dates of either baby, but nobody acknowledges it - even my DH has forgotten. A card or flowers just to say you are thinking of them and that you appreciate this is a difficult time will mean so much.

Wolfiefan Sat 03-Nov-12 21:39:26

What a lovely person you are. I agree you wouldn't want to turn up on their doorstep with a huge bouquet but a card or some sign to show you care is really helpful. I had a missed mc and ERPC (now have 2 gorgeous and healthy kids). I was hugely touched by the comment a colleague at the time put in a card. She said she had been through a very similar thing and offered the chance to chat if I ever needed to do so. I never did but the open offer made me feel like I had a safety net.

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