Be glad when its all over - missed (silent) miscarriage

(57 Posts)
Beardy24 Sat 20-Oct-12 00:09:37

Well I can't believe I am sat here writing this, as I am doing it with great sadness, but if I help one other person in my situation feel like someone else has been where they are then it has done its job...

We had been trying for a baby for a year, being 24 and healthy i didn't think it would take more than a couple of months and have to admit that seeing the majority of my friends get pregnant straight away or within a few months, we really were starting to feel the strain...we found out 5 1/2 weeks ago that we are pregnant. I'll never forget my partners face when I emerged from the toilet clutching at a positive pregnancy test and told him he was going to be a daddy...

Within a couple of days of finding out I was pregnant, I started to have cramps, worse than period pains, like sharp stabbing pains that lasted a few seconds then disappeared...after speaking with my doctor it came apparent that these may have just been pregnancy pains\bedding in pains...Later that night I went to hospital due to the severity and was admitted onto the ward...I had blood tests which showed low ECG levels (625) and was told I'd have a scan first thing and that this may have been ectopic...I had the scan and all that was seen was a gestational sac (tiny) but was normal for the amount of weeks I was and the godsend was that it wasn't an ectopic...I then had another blood test 2 days later (got discharged from the ward) and my bloods had gone up to 1780...everything was going in the right direction but they still needed to scan me...

7 days later I had another scan which showed a sac which had grown significantly since the last scan...10 days later a scan which showed my precious bean, a larger sac and a yolk sac...no heartbeat...they couldn't discharge me until a HB was seen, things were still progressing and I was told it isn't unusual not to see a HB at early 6/7 weeks...

Monday just gone, 10 days later, I went for another scan...the sonographer said there was a bubble above the sac which wasn't there the week before which she thought was a bleed...my bean still wasn't showing a HB and the sac hadn't grown much...I then went back to the early preg unit and was told things aren't progressing as they should and there comes a time when things aren't looking positive and have to say all these scans aren't showing signs of a viable pregnancy...she asked me if I wanted to go home and wait for a MC, have an Op or have medical management for the miscarriage...I could barely breathe, let alone decide this...I couldn't believe it was only the same morning I was convinced I'd be discharged due to them finally seeing the HB, I was so mad with myself for allowing myself to get excited...

It's now 4 days later and I have only just decided to go for the op...I asked them to book me in next week so I have at least got the rest of this week to get my head round it and give it a chance to happen normally...I'm booked in for the op a week today...I have requested another scan early next week due to the fact I haven't bled through this pregnancy and I don't think id forgive myself if I didn't have another scan before I have the op...even though I have sort of accepted the fact this pregnancy isn't going to have a happy outcome...

I'm so scared to have the op, never had an op in my life...but I can't leave it longer than next Friday, its been 4 days so far and it's killing me...still feeling pregnant isn't helping either...

I don't know about trying again, feel as if I have been put off so to speak, I don't think I could do this to myself and my partner all over again...maybe I will feel differently once I can start to move forward...

Feel for all you ladies who are going through a miscarriage or have had a miscarriage in the past, it's the single worst thing I have ever experienced...

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 20-Oct-12 00:16:03

I feel so sorry for you OP. Having to have an operation must make it scary as well as awfully sad.

I'm the same age as you and can't help but have a touch of "it'll happen straight away for me" when trying.

I'm sure you and your partner will feel differently given some time to grieve. But YANBU to feel that way right now because you're in the moment,living it,right now. Hope you're ok,given the circumstances x

WorraLiberty Sat 20-Oct-12 00:17:45

I'm so so sorry to read this OP, you must be going through the most unimaginable hell and stress right now thanks

All I can do is wish you the very best of luck no matter what happens.

But YANBU of course. You must choose what is right for you and no matter what that is, it's going to be heartbreaking.

Please don't think about trying again right now...that's something for the future.

What you and your partner have to deal with is the unenviable here and now and I wish you both the best of luck with that.

NathanDetroit Sat 20-Oct-12 00:19:39

Hey OP, sorry you are going through this, I've been there (I had a molar pregnancy). The operation is OK and all the staff are really kind to you.

I felt a lot like you about trying again, and haven't been allowed to for the whole year due to follow-up that I had to have but give it all time, that's all you can do. Take care of yourself, I hope you have plenty of support from family and friends. x

Beardy24 Sat 20-Oct-12 00:29:28

To be honest I don't think trying again would have entered my mind so quickly if family and friends hadn't already mentioned the fact I could try again soon! Thing is I wanted this baby...more than anything in the world, I felt privileged that I was able to see what was going on in there from being so early on, now I wish I hadn't seen any of it...I wouldn't have known until the 12 week scan and by then imagine things would have happened naturally....thank you so much for your kind posts, I'm new to this site xx

perfectstorm Sat 20-Oct-12 00:35:30

I'm so sorry.

I had an ectopic this past fortnight, it's been bloody awful. I was treated with chemo drugs to stop the poor bean growing, in the end, as it was threatening to rupture sad so this won't apply to me, as obviously I can't risk conception now for several months... but at the start when they were hopeful it was a "normal" miscarriage (and isn't that a horribly depressing turn of phrase all ways round) they told me that you get a little boost with your fertility after losing a baby, as the body seeks to replace that which has been lost. So you may find yourself pregnant very quickly, if you want to be. I appreciate that you may not feel ready for that, though. And you are only 24 - I'm 15 years older than you, which makes the whole thing a bit dicier. But I have hope! smile

Mumsnet is a wonderful place when you need support. If you post on the thread on miscarriages, you'll find a lot of people who know what you are going through. Hang on in there - this too shall pass.

Cathycomehome Sat 20-Oct-12 00:39:12

[flowers]

Cathycomehome Sat 20-Oct-12 00:39:51

Didn't work, I'm so sorry for what you're going through, though sad

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 20-Oct-12 00:43:27

I'm not sure if this will make you feel any better or anything OP but my OH is older and been in couple of relationships where there has been a miscarriage. He keeps telling me that "a shocking number of first pregnancies end in miscarriage. They never tell you until you're going through it yourself". Apparently there's no reason for it,it just happens (medical knowledge only goes so far I suppose).

Obviously the above doesn't make what you're going through any easier,you wanted this baby and it must be so terribly sad but if you were to try again then it may well be different. Again that does not make now any easier,just take some time to grieve and see how you feel later on.x

Just wanted to add my condolences. It really is a horrible thing to have to go through. It happened to me in January last year. As I write this I am being pummelled by 9mo dd2 who wouldn't be here if I hadn't lost that baby. I was pregnant with her within 2 months of my mmc. There is hope and you will get through it.

Wishing you strength for the weeks ahead x thanks

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 20-Oct-12 00:47:07

I've re read the above post and am worried I've come across as socially awkward? :s

Basically I was trying to say...you are not alone in experiencing this OP and it is natural to grieve for this baby.

Softlysoftly Sat 20-Oct-12 01:02:23

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had a missed mc picked up at 1st scan and waited for natural loss as I too held that tiny hope they were wrong.

It was awful, let yourself grieve as to you there was a baby, you had plans and dreams sad

I now have two wonderful girls so please let yourself heal then maybe nature will take its course. Perhaps just enjoy one another again rather than "trying" you are still so young xxxx

bedmonster Sat 20-Oct-12 01:51:50

Ah OP I have been through the very same hell and know a few others who have experienced similar. It rarely helps or is of comfort to hear about it from others but it sadly is something that so many go through.

I hope you have a supportive partner as I did and you can have a bit of space with him to come to terms with your loss.

Be very very kind to yourself in the coming weeks, it took me a while to get my head around the fact that something I wanted so much wasn't going to happen at that time.

I hope not to come across as patronising here as I 100% don't mean it, but 24 is young in terms of reproductive years to not be worrying in terms of it never happening, you still have at least a good decade ahead of you to try and conceive if you wish to do so. That's a long time.

thanks for you. Grieve and be in peace. Good luck in the future and remember, MNers are here for you if you need to rant.

JasperStreet Sat 20-Oct-12 02:01:57

So sorry, it's an awful thing to go through. Don't worry about having the ERPC though, it's really not that bad. IMO the worst bit is finding out. Just make sure you look after yourself now, you're allowed to feel sad.

IllageVidiot Sat 20-Oct-12 02:51:40

I'm so sorry Beardy24.

I have had a mmc and 'normal' mcs (which is something to do with me, please don't worry). For me the missed was more difficult to come to terms with.

People will say lots of things to you that are meant with a kind heart but, although you may find surprising solidarity from people you never knew had been where you are, many people still feel awkward and don't know what to say for the best.
Lots of 'you can try again', 'it was probably for the best' and 'it wasn't a real baby yet' may hurt at first but please try to let these comments go.

I echo the sentiments of pp's - be kind to yourself, be kind to each other. You will both grieve but possibly in different ways. Allow yourself to feel what you feel - your heart will have taken a battering but your body will need a rest too.
You don't have to ascribe to anybody else's schedule or ideas of how you should be doing - take it at your own pace. Some people find that they grieved all their hurt at this stage and focussing on trying again was what they wanted to do, some people find they need space from the news, the hurt and the op to move through things and can't try again for a while - both are right, there is no wrong way.

Wishing you peace and strength for the days to come. It will be ok and it does get better thanks

Beardy24 Sat 20-Oct-12 10:37:32

Thank you so much everyone x

Beardy24 Sat 20-Oct-12 10:39:57

Does anyone know how to move this thread to the MC thread please? Xx

Birnamwood Sat 20-Oct-12 10:47:36

Beards, you move it by reporting to mn but I've already done it for you x

Thinking of you x

CaptainHoratioWragge Sat 20-Oct-12 10:48:23

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. They waiting for confirmation in scan after scan just seems so cruel.

Do not be cross with yourself for allowing yourself to hope it would be ok- this was a wanted and loved PG, of course you are going to hope.

I found the waiting for something to happen by far the hardest part- it is like pschological torture waking up each day wondering if it is going to start, how am i going to cope etc- i think booking yourself in for the op a week today was a very sane and caring thing to do for yourself- and if it hasn't happened by itself first, the op itself I found to actually be a relief- i was worried about the anaesthetic etc as i'd never had an op, but the feeling of it being all over when i woke up was what i needed.

As for trying again, you'll know when its right. Some people have a year off, some people stop trying altogether, some people try straight away- what you feel you want to do is the right thing.

It won't always feel this bad, I promise.

KatMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 20-Oct-12 10:50:08

Beardy24

Does anyone know how to move this thread to the MC thread please? Xx

Hi OP, we've moved this into Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss for you now. Wishing you all the best thanks
MNHQ

SelfRighteousPrissyPants Sat 20-Oct-12 10:52:18

I'm so sorry. I had a MMC at 12 weeks last year and definitely felt the waiting was really hard. The erpc is fine physically. Mentally of course it's unbelieveably hard to lose your baby. Please look after yourself and don't make any decisions about trying again yet ((((unmumsnetty hugs))))

Beardy24 Sat 20-Oct-12 11:02:39

Thank you for moving the thread over.

And thank you for sharing your stories with me, means a lot x

Beardy24 Sat 20-Oct-12 22:40:44

I feel more positive re the op after your comments, thank you thanks x

calmlychaotic Sun 21-Oct-12 02:41:38

So sorry you are going though this.the op really isn't that bad. They told me its a procedure rather than an op, made it feel less scary to me.its sadly a very frequently performed procedure. Takes less than 10 mins. I didn't like the idea of going to sleep. Thought id panic but didn't know anything about it. One minute I was talking to nurse next I was waking in recovery. no recollection of a needle or anything.

MrsJohnDeere Sun 21-Oct-12 10:16:04

Beardy - so sorry you are going through this. You really have been through a terrible few weeks, haven't you.

I had the op on Friday (missed miscarriage discovered at 12 week scan). The op itself really is absolutely fine. You will know nothing about it. I don't have any internal exams (which I struggle with) before or after. One minute the lovely team of nurses and the anaesthetist were talking to me, then I fell asleep, and when I woke up it was all over.

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