Tips for coping with the practicalities of miscarriage

(467 Posts)
comeonbishbosh Wed 16-Nov-11 10:58:13

I?ve just had mc2, which has been emotionally more upsetting than mc1, but I coped a heck of a lot better on the practical side of managing it. And I realise that through the pregnancy books are full of tips on what types of sweets to pack in your hospital bag for labour, we?re pretty short of simple tips to make the sheer yuckiness of going through a miscarriage a little more bearable. I know there?s going to be big variations in people?s experience, and this is in no way to overrule any medical advice you get. But at least it might be a starting point.

For info, I had mc1 8 months ago, didn?t realise I was pg at the time (just come off breastfeeding DD, had massive problems conceiving before) but was probably 8-12 weeks. Didn?t realise it was actually a mc until a lot of mess later. MC2 was a few days ago, had a bit more notice as knew I was 8 wk pregnant, had been increasingly bleeding, and knowing a bit more what it was like through mc1. Neither time I needed to go to hospital.

So, this is what I would suggest helps from my experience, all offered as suggestions that may or may not apply to your situation!

1. Once you realise the bleeding has started in earnest, get home as soon as you can. You will probably need to sit on the loo for the next 1-3 hours, and that?s far nicer to do in the comfort of your own home.

2. If you need to travel in a car, sit on a plastic bag. (My 1st mc started at work, and by the time my DH came and picked me up in the car I had bleeding all down my trousers... it?s not glamorous).

3. Cancel everything, get childcare if you need it. The first time in the midst of the bleeding I tried to keep going, a builder came round to give me a quote for some work, DH went out on a pre-arranged cinema trip and I was putting DD to bed on my own. However hard it is to get a builder to quote, this was stupid priorities! Also, I now know best not to be left without another adult within shouting distance.

4. Settle in for the long haul. My mc2 was overnight, and I essentially camped out in the bathroom with magazines, world service on the radio, short scurries downstairs to make a hot chocolate. It was still horrible. But not unremittingly so.

5. Hot water bottles or hot wheatbags are great. And painkillers.

6. Get top quality sanitary pads, supersize. The maternity ones might be good for the first few hours if you can?t just sit on the loo, but they will make you miserable with their ungainliness. This is not a time to economise on the cheap versions.

7. If your mc kicks off at an evening or weekend, I found phoning my GPs ?out of hours? service loads more helpful, straightforward and kind than I have ever found NHS direct.

8. If take a pg test when you are miscarrying, it should come out positive. This is useful if, like me on mc1, I didn?t know I was pg at the time.

9. Take more time off work than you think. You are very much allowed to mooch.

Please do add any more tips. It goes without saying that I hope you and I never need these (again)?

RoTo72 Mon 23-Nov-15 16:15:58

Hi. Was at epu for scan today. Miscarried. So nervous as to what happens next. Having bad cramping now bit only light spotting. Was calm earlier but now have worked myself into a tizzy. Don't know what to expect

mrsdiddlydoo Sun 22-Nov-15 08:50:51


Bonywasawarriorwayayix Mon 16-Nov-15 12:28:07

Friend 1 just told me she had her DC2 yesterday. And I got my first AF since my D&C sad

Bonywasawarriorwayayix Mon 16-Nov-15 08:58:45

Sah your posts got me tearful again as I was due on the same day as you and had a MMC around the same date.
How are you doing now?
I'm in the odd situation where it's all happened whilst we're on a 3 month family trip (DH and DS) to Switzerland. We go back soon and I'll see 2 friends with small second babies and 2 heavily pregnant with 2nd/3rd babies. In fact one is arriving today for a week's visit. I don't know how I'll react and I'm worried about how jealous I'll be sad

Flowersonthewall Sat 14-Nov-15 18:49:47

Hi, have just rad through this thread and want to thank you all for all sharing your experiences. I'm 5+5 and had a large red blood stain in my pants this afternoon, I haven't had any more bleeding but tbh my symptoms have subsided this week and have felt something just isn't right. I'm going to see how things go over tomorrow but if it progress too much I'll get to a and e.

So sorry for everyone's loss but being able to read through experiences, I now feel more prepared for what may happen

Thank you xxx

Freshbreadandfaith Mon 09-Nov-15 22:31:36

Fingers crossed for you ranch girl x

ranchgirl Sun 08-Nov-15 14:09:04

Did my 3 week post mc test this morning. A definite negative. In a at its a door closed, ready for the next chapter. 3 weeks to IVF failed cycle follow up where we plan the next few months. In the meantime I'm hoping my menstrual cycle will get back to normal pretty quickly.

Hope you are all surviving today.

Freshbreadandfaith Sun 08-Nov-15 09:17:39

So sorry to hear about everyone's losses. My latest saga is placenta showed molar pregnancy probably partial molar as fetus did develop. I need tests now and hoping my HCG levels return to normal without needing chemo. It's like one drama after the other at the moment! Makes everything so much harder

pickledsausage Tue 03-Nov-15 15:31:45

This thread has been so useful, thank you all for your stories. I hope everyone is ok.

I went for a reassurance 8 week scan on Saturday and there was sac and yolk but no foetal pole. Was upset and so disappointed but didn't really think through that I still had to miscarry. Started to bleed lightly last night and the pain/blood has got worse over the day. Worrying about work, boss has been lovely but know I'm leaving them in the lurch even though I made it in yesterday. Hope it's over with soon, have been referred to epu so hoping I can get an Eprc. Had lots of good cries over the weekend but now just feel a little numb about it all.

Again thanks for all the tips and stories on here xx

Sah1987 Mon 02-Nov-15 07:22:18

Rbarry4707 I'm sure no one will comment on where you're based. Sam circumstances different continent.
I truly feel for you, I don't think I would have coped if I'd have a mc before I had Grace, so I guess in a way I need to be grateful.

I went for my scan last thurs to check all was ok. Had the same lady and same room at hospital as last time and I came apart. Luckily had my mum there. And she was so lovely.
On the other side I still have some blood remaining, so am moving as much as possible to avoid any other medical intervention. Which I will find out in 3 weeks of I need.
It feels never ending, I kind of just want to be left alone to think, process, grieve on my own

Hope everyone else is coping xx

rbarry4707 Sun 01-Nov-15 23:40:57

I want to say how happy I am to have come across this. From the way everyone talks I am guessing I may be the only one from the U.S. but I hope you don't mind me joking the club here. I found out Thursday our little one did not have a heartbeat at 7 weeks. This is our second miscarriage. The first was 5 years ago then we had our daughter and decided to expand our family. It feels so damn unfair to have to go through this a second time. I haven't had any physical symptoms yet. I desperately want to avoid a D&C but waiting for all this to happen is making me a bit crazy. Thankfully work has been really supportive and has allowed me as much time as I need. Thank you for all your honest and blunt answers about how shitty this is.

ranchgirl Thu 29-Oct-15 11:06:43

13 days post mc and all bleeding seems to have fully stopped.

I have moments every day when a wave of grief washes over me, and I burst into tears, normally when I get into bed at night. DH is being wonderful though.

We've got a failed IVF cycle appointment in 4 weeks when we'll plan on our next and final attempt. Last time was hard, we didn't expect it to work but I guess in a way it did. I could have miscarried without IVF. Seems so cruel to have tried so hard to get there and then to lose them both. Can't help but feel pessimistic and that life isn't going to take the path I thought.

Trying not to get annoyed at pointless and hurtful comments from people. They cannot possibly comprehend what we are putting ourselves through and I'm glad. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Hope you all get through another day xx

Freshbreadandfaith Thu 29-Oct-15 09:36:19

Your necklace sounds lovely sah. I have a heart pendant that was supplied by an amazing baby loss charity and a little heart with tiny feet that says 'you are always in my heart', I also was supplied with two tiny teddy bears, one to put in with baby and one for me to keep, the charity also sent a little bear for my four year old to keep as she also is trying to process the loss. I agree with you that all these little things even a necklace seem to help somehow but also make me sad too. While I was still in hospital the Dr's were saying "we will see you next year with your baby" my dh was a bit shocked by that! I will discuss all that plus our genetic results from placenta etc at our six week post delivery appt with specialist
How are you all coping today?
I'm finding it weird that our lives have actually changed forever and we now need to find a 'new normal'

Sah1987 Thu 29-Oct-15 07:31:02

Irispurple1 I am exactly the same.
Work is fine, I'm still bleeding....
Have a scan today, I don't know if I should be drinking loads of water or not.
I didn't ask, so now I'm not sure.

I've brought myself a necklace with wings & little feet on. I don't know why it's helped but it has, I think it's focuses the loss on that so I have released onto that and only allow myself to cry when I can, rather than all the time xx

How is everyone else coping?

And is anyone getting the "when are you trying again?"

IrisPurple1 Wed 28-Oct-15 13:21:08

Thank you Anastasia

How are you and Sah getting on in your first week at work? I've been thinking of you.

I'm fully back in to the work routine now, except for the is bizarre obsession where I keep looking at the stomachs of anyone of remotely fertile age to see if they look pregnant...

Iris thank you for your story, it's already got me thinking how i'll cope at work on monday and onwards, and tips from anyone on getting through the weeks/months or what to expect would really help.
I hope you have a lovely holiday and enjoy the closeness with your husband. I don't know what you do about people quizzing you, except maybe focus more on the ones that don't - it may be they understand from experience why things aren't always so straightforward?

Sah I may be kidding myself. I've still cried today when a mum friend told me she'd also gone through this but not told anyone at the time. And I know noone else will remember when my 12 week scan would have been, or duedate, but i'll be so sad.

It's so tough that your friends are pregnant. Iris'** advice sounds really good. I know I wouldn't have had a clue what to say to someone who'd gone through this a week ago (still don't..) so talk to them or avoid them or both, whatever you need, they'll do their best by you. my best friend is also pregnant (20weeks) but it's taken her a year to get pregnant with this her first and then has needed tests already - I felt guilty that I was pregnant when her pregnancy might be going wrong - those tables have turned.. People seem to go through an unbelievable amount of shit in secret, it's terrible. I hope i can be happy for her going through this for the first time and not compare, but who knows. like you I already have a lo, I'm so grateful for him now.

IrisPurple1 Thu 22-Oct-15 17:56:02

Anastasia thank you for sharing and your beautiful message.

Sah would it help if you talked or wrote to your friends to explain how you were feeling and what you are / are not OK with them saying in front of you and what you would / would not find helpful?

I found out from Facebook the day before I went back to work that a close colleague had just become a great aunt that weekend. I found it helpful to take her to one side, explain what had happened to me, tell her that I am happy for her but that I would feel more comfortable if she waited til I wasn't around before sharing her news openly. I found it easier to talk to her about her good news whilst we were alone and in the context of what I had just shared with her.

I tried to go back to work the day after my scan (booked at 11 weeks in EPAU following bleeding) where my MMC was discovered. I found it harder than I thought and spent all day afraid to leave my desk in case I encountered: the random pregnant girl from across the corridor / the guy who's wife has just given birth / the guy who's girlfriend is just about to give birth. That night I MC naturally so took the remaining 3 days off.

That was last week. I started work again on Monday. That was just as hard - I broke down at 4pm as that was when my original 12w scan had been booked. Tuesday I was back in EPAU for my follow-up scan, and was given the good news that I did not need further intervention. I was so relieved, as I had booked a weekend in Paris for 2 weeks hence as a surprise for my husband's 40th and was worried I'd be unable to fly. I decided to tell him about our trip and he is absolutely thrilled. It has given us something to look forward to together.

Since I got the all-clear life and work has felt almost normal. The next few weekends are going to be tough, as we have lots of family / friends celebrations planned for my husband's 40th, where we had planned to make our joyous announcement.

Has anyone had any difficulty with friends who keep asking if you are pregnant? Some of our friends have been a real pain. As we've just got married people have asked if we're going to try - we have been open about it but adamant that we will not tell before 12w. Despite this some people have interrogated us when they've seen me not drinking. I am not looking forward to seeing these people, but one glass of prosecco should do the explaining for me! wine The first person other than my parents that we saw was a male friend of mine - the least likely to bring up anything about babies! We found that helpful to ease ourselves back in.

Does anyone else have any tips for surviving the days / weeks post MC?

Sah good luck with going back to work. flowers

Sah1987 Thu 22-Oct-15 15:43:45

anastasiakrupnik - you seem so strong. I only found out last Friday and I am still an emotional wreck.
I have finished bleeding and am planning on returning to work tomorrow, just because I feel like I am wallowing. My 3 friends are pregnant 24 weeks, 20 week, and 16 weeks I would have been 12 weeks, they are now being very quiet with me - I think to protect me, and I just don't know how to deal with them closing me out of their pregnancies and yet them still being there for me. I feel their support but think getting back to work and my environment there will help me.

I just don't know how people get through this, if I didn't have my lg I would have gone crazy sad

I wanted to thank you all on this and other threads for sharing. It's been a huge comfort and feeling of community even though i've been lurking in the worst week of my life.

Last Thurs (11weeks) I found out the baby had died around 7-8 weeks. I'd had very minimal bleeding and wasn't expecting this at all. That afternoon I passed some large objects - like slippy oysters shooting into the toilet is the only way I can describe it - not painful but shocking, so I was glad I'd had the scan and already knew I'd miscarried else I'd have been terrified. In total this happened 3 times so I thought it was clots. The blood didn't fill a pad, just came away when I wiped.

Next day I went in to get the medical miscarriage- I was really scared but prepared thanks to this thread to camp in the bathroom with drinks and books etc and that it would all be over soon enough.

Nothing happened except 24hrs of period pains. The light bleeding then also stopped even though my emotions were still raw and I'd cry several times a day from the overwhelming sadness.
Because the medical miscarriage didn't work the egu did another scan today. I was expecting to have to have the surgery which also scares me. They found instead that the baby and sac had gone and the wall thickness around 10mm so basically very little blood left.
It's all over and I can't believe I've got off so lightly. I've no idea if the womb never thickened properly or it's sonehow absorbed or was hiding from the scan somehow and still to come but I feel very lucky to be able to move on without physical trauma. The baby must have passed that first day before the medical management. The total blood over the week was half that of a normal period, including the hour when I passed the baby.

So please don't be scared or let your imagination run away with you (i've been terrified all week on top of all the grief) - just face whatever is currently going on and use this thread's advice and that of the hospital about when to seek help if you think there's too much blood - whatever you need to cope. And take off lots of time from work - even though I'm physically ok, my emotions were fucked until thus second scan (and still not brill).

You're all so so brave and I feel somehow honoured to know what women have been suffering in silence, like part of a really shitty yet very strong club. I was so ignorant of miscarriage before this but hopefully i can better support someone else in the future if anyone i know is unlucky enough to have this cloud cast over them.

Freshbreadandfaith Sun 18-Oct-15 13:42:24

Thankyou, sorry for your losses, it's really cruel xxx

ababsurdum Sun 18-Oct-15 08:18:54

I'm so sorry Freshbreadandfaith, what a truly awful thing to have to go through. I wish you lots of strength for the weeks ahead. I'm sure things won't be the same in the future but you will find a new normal. You just need a bit of time.

Sah1987 Sun 18-Oct-15 07:21:24

Thank you all for your kind words.
I think something more permenant (tattoo) will probably be my outlet.

I have spent my time with my mum and dad which has helped my pain immensely.

My partner is very closed off, talking about the future, and not asking how I am, I think he is finding it hard too, but won't talk to me.

I also need to deal with work. Which I am not looking forward too. I want to stay in my bubble. And will for he next few days....

Freshbreadandfaith I cannot imagine going through that. My pain and grief is almost to much at 11+5, I cannot imagine the pain of losing after that, when plans are cemented and having a child (or another) is a reality. My thoughts are with you, to help give you strength too x

ranchgirl Sun 18-Oct-15 06:30:25

I'm so sorry Fresh

Freshbreadandfaith Sat 17-Oct-15 23:25:54

I was 17 weeks pregnant

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