How do I talk to my friend who has just miscarried at 11 weeks?

[BeeBread]

My lovely friend has just miscarried. I'm also pregnant (8 weeks) and I'm aware that that might make things awkward.

I have let her know how sorry I am, that I am here if she wants to talk, and sent her love. But I feel those are platitudes and would like to be of real support to her.

Do you mind if I ask how other people helped you? And what I should avoid saying/doing?

[VikkieSh]

People have helped me by talking about it and not just ignoring the fact that I was pregnant. Being kind and giving me lots of hugs. Most people however have just ignored the whole issue and everything is "back to normal" - I don't feel like that, so it's frustrating. I do understand that not everyone can bring themselves to talk about it though.
Everyone is different - just let your friend know that you are there to listen if she needs a shoulder to cry on.

[Chunkamatic]

I think that the main thing is that you acknowledge what has happened and allow her the opportunity to talk about it however she wants to.
My sister miscarried when I was pg and it was very hard - I dealt with it all completely the wrong way, like VikkieSh said I tried to ignore it but I know now that I should have been much better at asking how she was feeling and if she was OK instead of thinking that she would say something if she had a problem.

[eve34]

BB - I am sure you are doing all the right things. We Mc last week and a family member is 12 weeks pg I found out yesterday.

Funnily enough they haven't made contact with me.

Just let her know you are there and understand it might be hard for her to be around you for a while.

In a few weeks/months I am sure things will be more comfortable, there is a post somewhere with the 'right' things to say. Her time will come and she will be a fantastic mum etc etc.

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

I mc at 11 weeks earlier this year and agree that people avoiding the subject is the worst thing. It's easy to tell if she doesn't want to talk about it but take your cues from her and show willing to talk about it if she wants to.

The other thing, although obviously not for a while is to make a note of her due date. Mine is coming up in August and I know that even DH probably won't remember it. Although I'm pg again, the thought of that date is making me feel increasingly worse not better. It's a bit of a brick wall in my path. Nothing fancy but if someone bothers to ask me how I'm feeling on that day I'll feel like someone cares.

[BeeBread]

Thank you ladies; I'm sorry for all your losses. Life can be so shitty sometimes.

Knowing my friend - she is a bit of a control freak (in the nicest possible way) - she is likely to try to be "business as usual" as soon as she can, but I know that she will be terribly mixed up as she was incredibly anxious about the pregnancy because she suffered bad PND after her DD.

I'm going to try to tread the fine line between encouraging her to let it out, and not pushing her too hard. It sounds as though the usual instinct is to want to talk about it.

[merrymonsters]

I once had someone give me whole list of the 'count your blessings' comments all at once - 'you've got two healthy children', 'at least you can get pregnant', 'you can always try again', 'there was probably something wrong' etc. I know she probably felt awkward, but it just doesn't help.

Much better was the acquaintance who said 'that's just shit'. It is shit and it's better to acknowledge it and not try to cheer her up by telling her that really she's got nothing to feel sad about.