7 months on, still crying for my baby

[sweetlucy]

I lost my baby boy at 37 weeks last November and I still can't believe this really happened.
Everyone seems to have forgotten about him, and I'm the only one left dreaming about what might have been. What his first cry would have been like, the color of his eyes. All these dreams and expectations I had for him.
It's always there and it hurts more than anything.
I just don't know if I'll ever recover from this.

[sweetlucy]

Pfewwww! I'm feeling a bit better than I did a moment ago...

We decided to try for a baby again and I'm worried. I wonder if anyone on here has had a late loss followed by a successful pregnancy?
The hospital said there would be more appointments and checks and that I would be induced early. Since I lost my baby at 37 weeks I'd like to be induced at 36 weeks, the midwife said they don't usually do that. Can I still push for this?
I was thinking I could combine NHS care with private appointments, but I'm not really sure how to go about it, how often should I be seen?
I anticipate the last trimester will be uber stressful, any tips on how to get through this as calmly as possible?

Any advice appreciated :)

[QueenoftheVerse]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I completely sympathise with what you're going through. I lost a baby last year at 24 weeks so I know what you're talking about when you say that everyone's forgotten about him. I've said it before, but it's like a 'dirty secret' that no-one wants to talk about or acknowledge.

We haven't tried for another baby yet so I have no advice on that front I'm afraid. I would imagine though that your next pregnancy will be stressful most of the way through it, but I'm sure someone else will be on to tell you what their experience was like. Just keep repeating "it's a different pregnancy" to yourself (my mum said that helped her when she went through similar).

Good luck for when you're pregnant again!!!!

[sweetlucy]

Thank you Queen!

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby, such an awful thing to happen! Will you be trying again one day?

I completely know what you mean about the dirty secret. It's disgusting! such a terrible, traumatic thing to go though and we're made to feel like we should keep quiet about it. Just because our babies were born sleeping it doesn't make them less real.
I feel there needs to be more info about stillbirth out there, to break the taboo.

[SESthebrave]

Sweetlucy - I'm so sorry for your loss and it is completely understandable to still be getting your head around this trauma and the loss of your boy.
I personally have "only" experienced 3 early mc but even those still catch me unawares sometimes. I still think of my 3 babies I don't have and think of my wonderful DS as being the 3rd of 4. I could never verbalise this to anyone in RL though as they'd think I was mad!

I agree that there is a lot to do to remove the taboo of stillbirth (amd mc). Thank God for MN so that we can talk freely here.

My main reason for posting however is that I do know someone at work who tragically also had a stillborn at about 38 weeks. I don't know her very well (don't even work in the same location as her most of the time) but I do know that she has since gone on to have another child who is now 2yo.

[sweetlucy]

Lunatic, thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm so sorry about your baby girl, but your story also feels me with hope maybe next time we'll be lucky enough to have a happy ending. I don't have my baby's pictures by my bed but I look at them often. I miss him so much.

The autopsy results didn't give us any answers to what's caused the sudden death of my little angel.

The midwife that followed me during my pregnancy was awful, but since everything was going well I didn't really care. When things went wrong, I regretted not complaining about her earlier. The consultant who gave me my results also told me that time of delivery of my next baby would depend on the baby's size. I'm so worried, I'm not even pregnant yet but I'm already frightened. I'd like to find a hospital with a good team of consultants and midwives who will be receptive to my fears. Did you ask to be hospitalized at 30 weeks or was that offered to you?

You mention St Mary's is that St Mary's in Manchester or in London?



SES Thank you for telling me about your colleague, I hope my next pregnancy will end well too!
I'm sorry about your losses. MCs are very tough and people are so quick to dismiss them as common. It's infuriating.
It must have been so hard for you having 3 MCs.

We're lucky to live in a time when we can find people online who have been through similar experiences and can offer understanding and advice. I sometimes think of women who lived in the beginning of last century, how hard it must have been for them when they lost a child.

[HorseyGirl1]

SweetLucy
Just sending you a hug. I lost my pregnancy in December at 20 weeks and like you we're TTC again. Scared about the whole thing too. No words of wisdom just wanted to let you know you're not alone in feeling like this.xx

[sweetlucy]

Thank you horseyGirl! I hope it all goes well next time around, sending you lots of positive energy!! :)

[Catsycat]

Sweetlucy I'm so sorry to hear you lost your baby. I have a friend who lost her first child at 38 weeks, though this happened before I met her. She now has two wonderful little boys. As I remember, she was induced at 37 weeks - they though pre-eclampsia might have caused the stillbirth.

I am not surprised you are still grieving - you need to allow yourself the time you need, whatever that may be.

I am having an early mc at the moment, and one of the things I hate most about it is the idea that other people will forget the baby, along with the wondering what might have been.

Take care of yourself. I do hope you will go on to have a lovely baby like my friend did. x

[Kazmog]

Hello, I am so sorry to hear of everyones losses. My son was stillborn in feb 2010, the post mortum showed no obvious reasons but he was delivered with the cord wrapped around his neck. I think about him all of the time. We ttc after 6 months and I now have a lovely dd1 who is 2 months old.I was put on a special programme and was induced at 38weeks. At one point we did discuss being induced at 35/36weeks. I found that I was careful in the pregnancy and tried not to get too anxious but it was difficult - I didn't quite believe I had my daughter for about a week after the birth. I went to Kingston hospital and they were wonderful. Good luckx

[lochlansmum]

hello,i am so sorry for your loss,i too lost my son (stillborn) at 37wks in aug 2007,he had a twisted umbilical cord thanks to me having too much amniotic fluid..i think about him every single day and,yes,people tend to forget! it's his birthday tomorrow but i know that the only people celebrating will be me,my dp and our other children. I had my daughter exactly 18months after we lost wee man and the pregnancy was horrendous,to say i was terrified would be an understatement and i often wondered whilst pregnant if i was doing the right thing as i hadn't got over wee man,but,it's something you never get over and you just learn to live with it. I found out at 30wks i had too much amniotic fluid again which sent me into complete meltdown,i was blaming every1 and i hated my dp who 'made' me have another baby...the staff at the mat suite were absolutely brilliant and my community midwife,i had scan's every wk up until 34wks when i had a c section and had our beautiful daughter...we will never ever forget our son and i always say i'm the proud mum of 4 gorgeous children but 1 sadly can't be with us...alot of people thought i only had my daughter to replace my son but that's not true,wee man is irreplaceable..you will probably get a lot more ante natal care this time around and hopefully a good consultant who will listen to your fears and do what's best for you,and fight for inducement or a c section if you feel the need to...i most certainly would.......good luck and best wishes x x

[mollyrose]

I was told that my baby boys heart was no longer beating a week ago and I can't get past the guilt I feel for not taking care of him properly. I was aware that his movements had slowed down, but had had a similar experience with my first son just before labour began. I phoned the triage midwife the night before I found out my baby had died and she suggested I drink some cold water to see if this stimulated movement. I think that I then confused a contraction with movement and I just carried on about my business as I had my 38 week appointment the following morning. I am so sorry that I didn't go up to the hospital. I now feel I have killed my baby and don't know how to carry on when I feel this way.

[sweetlucy]

mollyrose I'm so sorry for your loss. I too feel guilt for not reacting fast enough, I felt something wasn't quite right but didn't think this could happen. I spoke to a friend of mine who is a nurse and he told me not too worry, so I didn't. The next morning I didn't feel any movement at all. The "what ifs" in my mind drive me crazy with pain.
There are no words I can say to relieve your pain and hurt, and although this loss will always be with you, you will feel better in time. Try not to give in to the guilt, there's often very little that can be done.
Surround yourself with friends and family, join a sand group and feel free to message me. It's awful to lose a baby, but you're not alone, many others have been through this and understand what you're going through.

Sending you lots of hugs!

[NoMoreWasabi]

Sweetlucy, I?m so sorry for your loss. 7 months is nothing and its perfectly natural to remain upset.

Just in case you're not aware of them, these threads would be worth a look for support:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1242601-Mourning-our-angel-babies-but-still-hoping-for-the-future-let-the-swi-commence

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1247195-Love-like-starlight-never-dies-Our-precious-children-sparkling-in-the-sky-xx

[sweetlucy]

Catsycat I hope you're ok. I'm sorry about your mc. I guess it's our jobs to keep the memories and dreams of our unborn babies alive. It's so sad that what should be the happiest moment in your life becomes the saddest.

Kazmog I'm sorry about your little boy. thanks for sharing your story, and congratulation on your baby girl. Your story gives me hope! :)

lochlansmum I'm sorry for your loss. I haven't reached the first bday yet but I think I too would like to celebrate my little boy's existence, he was alive inside of me for 37 weeks.

[sweetlucy]

Thanks No MoreWasabi

[jellybeans]

Hi Sweetlucy, very sorry for the loss of your baby boy :( I have lost 4 babies, none as late as full term, i can't imagine how hard that was. I was 6, 11, 20, 23weeks. Losing my girls late in pregnancy was horrible. We knew we were having girls, had names, felt kicks etc and the shock was incredible aswell as the overwhelming grief afterwards. Both times we were lucky enough to go on to have living babies, although in the case of my youngest we had many scares and an emergency stitch halway through. happily we have had 5 living children altogether (1 was twins so 4 'normal' pregnancies) and I had several health issues that can cause late miscarriages so hopefully that gives people some hope. I never ever get over losing my girls but my days are more bearable and they remain part of the family. Like you say though it is very hard to talk about it with others and often i still am shocked at the naivity of pregnant women, I don't think i will ever be 'normal' again.

[sweetlucy]

Jellybeans Thank you for your message.
Every loss is a tragedy. It must have been so hard for you.
Since we started ttc, I'm filled with of hope that in a few months time i'll be holding my baby. :)

[AmateurCrastinator]

Mollyrose I could have written your post. I am so sorry to hear that you, and others on this thread have had to go through this too. I just lost my baby boy at 35 weeks. He was born sleeping on 12th August. I had also noticed his movements had slowed down but thought he must have less space to kick and I also had tightenings that I mistook for shuffles. I never contemplated for a second that this could happen. By the time I had really started to panic it was too late. I went to the doctor and was sent to the hospital where they gave me a scan. I keep replaying the moment in my head where they told me there was no heartbeat.
I don't know how I can live with this emptiness, every day is torture from the minute I open my eyes but I already have 2ds aged 8 and 4 and they are keeping me strong on the surface of things. And my DH who has been amazing but I can't help feeling he blames me somehow. How could he not? I blame myself.
People keep telling me I will get through it and time is a healer but I can't believe them. This feeling of failure, the knowledge that he might still be alive if I'd gone to the doctor sooner, the not knowing why this has happened and the fear that he may have suffered is eating me up.
I realise you may not revisit this thread but I hope you do. I need to share this and we might be able to find some courage in each others stories. My sympathies are with you all.

[sweetlucy]

AmateurCrastinator I'm sorry about your baby. I sure your husband doesn't blame you and I hope that he's giving the love and support you need right now. When I lost my Leon I thought I would stay in this state of extreme pain, but I didn't. I miss him everyday, but the pain and sadness have become more bearable.
Be kind to yourself, and feel free to message me!