how to best be there for my sister

[cheesesarnie]

my sister went for her 12 week scan and found out she has had a miscarriage.
ive no experience of this,were all in shock and upset.my sister understandably wants to be left alone at the moment.i feel i need to 'do' something,even if its just understanding what shes going through,not so i can tell her i know but just because iyswim?
she had had ivf,this was the 2nd attempt and she had a scan at 7 weeks to confirm pregnancy etc.theyve said they think the miscarriage happened soon after the scan.
what happens now and how can i be there?apart from a text to say i love her,ive not intruded.
god i hope all this makes sense!

[LIG1979]

hey!
Glad you are trying to help. (I had a miscarriage about 6 weeks ago.) I know that I found it difficult when some people just pretended it never happened and yet at times I didn't want to talk about it but at times I did. (But how were they to know that!) I think an acknowledgement and letting them know that the door is open for a chat when she is ready will really help. Also, when she is feeling better (on the surface) she will still have good days and bad days. (Sometimes, it is harder weeks down the line when everyone assumes you are over it and then you have a bad day and noone to talk to.) I saw a friend at the weekend at a wedding and it was not the time to talk and she gave me a hug and then whispered are you ok so only i could hear? it was just enough to know she was thinking about me.

Also, another thing is (if it is appropriate) to show concern to her partner. My husband was affected and deeply upset by it all but didn't really have anyone to talk to apart from me (and I was useless) - luckily his boss had been through the same thing and he did tell him but some guys have noone to turn too and it is tough for them too.

I am sure she will appreciate your concern. Thanks for being a good sister!

[cheesesarnie]

sorry for your loss lig.
thanks.my mum spoke to her and has made sure they both know shes ready to go up there whenever they want/need.

i dont know how to put this without offending or upsetting anyone but what happens to her now if shes miscarried but not bleed?i just want to understand so that when/if theyre ready to talk,we have bit of understanding.

good point about her dh.poor bil had the horrible job of phoning his and her parents

i feel so useless.i want to speak to her but understand why she cant.

[whatsoever]

Hi cheesesarnie. I had the same news as your sister on Monday so also have some very recent experience. Just as a quick summary your sister will probably be offered three options - to see if nature takes it's course and she bleeds naturally, take drugs to make the bleeding start or an operation to clear out the contents of her uterus. I had the op yesterday.

I have been very lucky and had great support so I can tell you what I have appreciated so far. Most people have texted which has been perfect - talking is a bit tricky yet. One friend phoned but texted beforehand to give me a get out to say she wouldn't be offended if I didn't want to talk yet ( I was in hospital and couldn't answer anyway but this was ideal as I wouldn't feel bad if I wanted to ignore the call). Another friend sent flowers which was lovely ( and very quick off the mark given it was only Monday!)

In terms of family my parents have come to stay so I am not alone while my husband is at work but they offered but didn't force the visit upon me. My brother has texted - again ideal as I'm not up to talking about it yet. My mum has sent word round the rest of the family but asked them to leave off for a few days.

Just letting her know you are thinking of her, offering to talk or do practical stuff but leaving the ball in her court will be appreciated.

Your sister is very lucky to have such a caring sibling as you.

[cheesesarnie]

im so sorry,awful,awful.thankyou for replying.
i took your advice,i text to ask if she'd be ok with me phoning and said completly understand if not.she said not yet,i replied was fine and im here whenever/if she wants too.
might sound odd but feel by knowing facts of what she might be going through i can 'do' something.i have no idea how she must be feeling,i cant begin to imagine.
thankyou for what you said about lucky to have a sister like me,it means alot.

[Missgiraffe1]

cheese, sorry to hear of your sisters loss. It's such a horrible thing to go through. You're doing well already, seeking advice from people who've been there. I had the op last Monday. I didn't feel like seeing anyone from the time of finding out at the scan until after the op itself (over 1 week), but my best friend dropped in the day after the op with a bunch of flowers and a big hug, then left v quickly. She knew I didn't want to talk, but I really appreciated her doing that.

Your sis will need time to process things herself, and will have a load more questions at the moment than she does answers - one of my fears was that I wouldn't have known what to say if anyone spoke to me, because as I was so confused myself, and was worried about what was coming next.

Texting, just saying you're thinking about her, and offering help if there's anything you think you can do (going to the shop for them, if you're close enough) is the best you can do until she's ready.

And, just to warn you, she'll probably be in her own wee world for a while yet, most likely until after she's decided what to do, and then for a few days after whatever method she goes through to bring the sad event to an end.

At least she'll know you are there when she's ready x