Just had a miscarriage, please can you give me some advice?

[PieMistress]

Hi Peeps,

I recently posted a thread on the Pregnancy Board about ?Bleeding in the 1st Trimester? but am now sadly on this board looking for some advice and hope.

I started faint spotting at 7w (last Thursday) which quickly turned to darker spotting along with backache and period type cramps. I made an appt for a scan at the local EPU which I had on Monday just past. They did an internal scan and said the baby only measured 5w and thus the scan was ?inconclusive? as my dates might be wrong. I knew they weren?t as I?ve been temperature charting and using OPKs so knew I ov?d on Day 17 of my cycle. This, along with the blood loss, was very upsetting and I was quite distraught at the hospital. They gave me some miscarriage leaflets to take away and told me to go back a week later for another scan to see if the baby had grown.

Within a few hours I had started cramping badly and passed something quite large when I was on the toilet at DS?s nursery. Unfortunately I couldn?t see what it was but it ?plopped? (sorry for the term of phrase) quite loudly in the toilet and the bowl was covered with blood, so I?m not sure if I passed the pregnancy sac or not? I grabbed DS from nursery and drove home sobbing and then spent another hour or so bleeding heavily and passed a plum sized clot (I managed to collect it on tissue before it fell down the toilet ? do I need to keep it for tests or anything?).

Since I passed the second clot the cramping pretty much stopped. The bleeding has continued but not too heavy (no blood loss overnight but started again today).

Does anybody know if I will have to have any further medical intervention with regards to the mc being ?complete?? I still have a scan appt for next Monday so I?m guessing they could check then (or would I need to go to the EPU beforehand). Will it take long for my HCG levels to drop back to pre-pregnancy levels?

I?m so distraught and have been shocked at how hard I?ve been crying. I was sobbing all though giving DS his dinner last night :(

I conceived DS easily and had no problems with my first pregnancy but I?m now at that age (39) where it all seems to be harder and Pud took longer to conceive but sadly hasn?t made it. Christmas this year will be tinged with sadness as my due date was the 23rd December (but DS?s birthday is Christmas Day so I will need to stay upbeat for him).

I am 39 and so petrified of not being able to have another baby. MC was something I hadn?t even thought would happen until it did and I?m now in a place where I?m trying to keep calm and not show any emotion (don?t want anybody at work to know) and then sobbing my heart out as soon as I get in the car to go home. I know it?s a common occurrence (as I was thinking today how many of my friends I know that have had miscarriages) but yet I don?t feel able (yet) to talk about my loss with them.

Part of me is so annoyed that I?ve left it so late to have a family, if only I could turn back the clock. All the talk about being my age and how difficult it will be is really really freaking me out and part of me feels like it?s already game over. I know I?m in a black hole just now and need to pull out of it and be more upbeat but it?s so difficult . Are there any older mums out there that can give me some hope?

It?s bitter sweet too as my best friend had her baby over the weekend when I was bleeding and starting to lose our wee Pud 

My cycles were all over the place before I conceived and I had 2 lots of mid-cycle spotting with severe cramps. The GP didn?t know what was causing it but I was under severe stress at work so not sure if that could have been a factor. The month I got my BPF I had started taking conception vitamins and the mid-cycle bleeding stopped (but so did the stress at work).

I would be grateful for any advice or hope that anybody can give me, and that I shouldn?t give up hope already about having a sibling for DS. I know if I googled around I could find the answers online but I?ve come to the support of MN to help me 

Sorry for the disjointed and long nature of my post, Pie x

[milkyway07]

piemistress I am so so sorry for what you have been through. What you have written is exactly how I have felt through my mc's - the crying, the shock, all the plans that are broken within a few hours. I hope I can help you by telling you of my experiences.

With the tissue that you have collected - unfortunately the doctors will not be able to do much with it as it needs to be put into special solution within minutes so that it can be tested. Also, as it is you first miscarriage? (I am sorry if it is not) they won't conduct any tests until you have had 3 (stupid NHS system).

With what you have experienced, it sounds like you passed the pregnancy sac at your DS's nursery. With my third mc I had alot of cramps like labour pains for an hour and then they stopped as soon as I had passed everything. I am so sorry.

I think they will wait until Monday to scan you again and then decide from there what the next step should be. In my experience, the GP's aren't very enthusiastic about meeting women who are going through a mc. I have been told to stay at home about 2 times. As you have already bled, I don't think they will conduct HCG tests. In saying all the above - I am not a doctor, but I can only tell you what I have experienced.

With work - can you not take a few days off to stay at home and relax? I know how shit it is when you have just lost the most important thing in your life and then you have to sit and talk to everyone like nothing is wrong. I made the mistake of going back to work very soon every time and I think it affected me mentally in a very bad way. Having a miscarriage to me, is the equivalent of losing a loved one. Just because no one else can see your baby it doesn't mean it wasn't real to you. You need time to grieve and mourn your loss as with any other bereavement. Don't expect yourself to be a superwoman. You're a person with feelings. I know I needed time to myself to acknowledge what had happened before I could tell people at work.

Don't be hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal. I know how hard it can be, and I really hope you get all the advice you are looking for on this forum. There are alot of us who have been through the same things, and I felt it was so much easier to talk to women on here who knew what it felt like. xx

[freelancegirl]

Hi PieM I don't have much time to write but didn't want to read and run. There are a lot of us on here who have recently been through the same experience and I know it is awful and so distressing. I felt so low for many weeks - I read an article on the BBC saying that 30% of people who have a mc can have symptoms of clinical depression and I think (in between bouts of being ok) I was one of those people.

I think you should go along for the scan as there is a chance there might be more to come out and it would be good to know that. I too felt that plop when the 'sac passed' so I think that might well have been it for you too. You are going to feel awful and really upset, it is natural. The only comfort I can offer you is offer being through hell and back and all sorts of up and down emotions and physical experiences, around 7 weeks since mine started I am now feeling a lot more like my old self. I can't offer any comfort regarding the age worry, I am almost 37 and don't have any kids, but I can say that we ALL worry about being too old and yet there are SO many women who have kids a lot older than you so try to relax about that.

Finally, as I don't have much time, do have a look through this thread and join us all here as this has been a great place for many of us to vent about all our feelings and I am sure, as you go through the weeks ahead, you will recognise some feelings yourself.

Be strong honey, you will be fine. It might just take a bit of time.

PS physically I bled for around 6 weeks on and off and was bloated and felt a bit dizzy and weak for a while, that seems to be quite normal so don't be surprised if that happens.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/1184740-How-are-you-feeling-after-MC

[LordOfTheFlies]

One of the worst things was people 'helpfully' saying "Oh it's natures way-ie the pregnancy isn't meant to be".It's not what you want when you are not thinking logically.9 years ago (between DC1 and DC2) I had a + pg test, very excited but bled a few days later.Got pg again but waited until 6wk to test.Then at 7 wk started to bleed.(Then you get the re-assurances that some people do bleed).But the next morning it was over,very heavy period bleed.Family esp older generation don't always understand because they didn't test til they missed 3 periods, no home tests.And the "at least you've got DC1".Yes, I know they are trying to help but you have to count to 10,don't you.
I gave myself 3 months of not TTC and happliy result was DC2.Don't lose heart.((((((hug)))))

[Jan9ne]

Hello Piemistress - you responded to my post about going back to work and mc and i have said how brave you are going through this and going to work with no one knowing. Having read your post here I think you really need to take some time off.
Your post resonates with me in so many ways. I too have one child and am 39 and am really feeling it's getting way too late now.
Please give yourself some time. What you are going through is awful and i think you should take a bit of time out. Is there one trusted person you could tell at work?
Take care x

[kc0rns1lk]

Hi Piemistress. Sorry to hear about your miscarriage I had one between my ds's. You could ask your GP to sign you off for a week. You really need the time to rest.

[PieMistress]

Thank you all for your kind, heartfelt and reassuring words.

It's strange at the moment as I kind of feel like i'm 2 people. At work i'm trying to be as happy, jolly and smiley as I normal am, then as soon as I get home and DS is in bed, DH and I then cuddle and talk about how we feel and shed tears. The work thing is strange, I know, but I have to facilitate a lot of meetings and I just don't want people to feel sorry for me - does that make sense? I feel like I need to be kept busy in order to get through this. The heavy bleeding is a constant reminder at the moment of what is happening and I just can't, at the moment, get to grips with it and think that it's 'tissue' that's coming out.

One of the scary things about all of this is that i'd never considered AT ALL that I wouldn't meet this baby. I was focused on being able to conceive and then when we got the BFP didn't even think we wouldn't see the pregnancy through and be able to hold Pud in our arms for Christmas. I think i'm still in shock about it all. Having a miscarriage has opened eyes to a whole wealth of problems that I didn't really consider before and i'm already petrified it will happen again (if I am fortunate enough to conceive).

I have an appt with my very lovely GP on Monday lunchtime (hospital appt is in AM). When I went to see her in March about my fertility concerns she had no hesitation in refering me to the fertility clinic and getting my CD21 bloods taken (which were fine). I ironically didn't get back to her as I then fell pregnant. Am sure Monday's appt will be teary. Looking online I see the local fertility clinic also tests for recurrent miscarriages (x2 if you are 35+) so at least if it does happen again I know they will refer me.

I need to be positive and not already resign myself to it happening again!!

DH & I tried to reason last night and thought well, maybe Pud didn't want to come out this time as the due date was 23rd December and DS's birthday is Christmas Day. Maybe he/she thought to themselves, hang on, there's too much going on then. Maybe i'll go away now and come back later when I can have my birthday at a special time and all to myself. Does that sound silly?

Sorry for the waffle xx

[Dropdeadfred]

I'm really sorry to hear what you have been through, I have sadly sharded the same experience too may times..
It is not silly to feel cheated and sad that you will not meet this baby..i know you were only a few weeks pg, but as you say, from the moment you see the postive test you start to plan and imagine the future - which includes that new little person.
I don't want to make you worry, as I have since been diagnosed with problems that may account for my mcs..but wanted to tell you that we did get pregnant and keep it and we had our dd - and for me it did feel like it was the babay that we had lost a few times before. I know it isn't obviously, but when you too, do get to hold your baby, I hope it is your 'pud' x

[slovenlydotcom]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I had my first baby at 36 and my second at 39. I miscarried in between and thought I would never have a second child. But I did and the odds on you having a second child are on you side.

In my opinion you first have to grieve for this little one, can you take some time off work?

[LuckyWeKeptTheCot]

You're odds are still good - you've had one problem free pregnancy. I know lots of people who have had healthy babies at 40 and 41, some of them after miscarriage. A close friend had two babies, a miscarriage and then another healthy baby - no obvious reason for the miscarriage. This website might have useful info for you - and encouraging too.

www.mothers35plus.co.uk

I'm so sorry for the distress you are suffering now though, and as others have said, take the time to mourn the loss of your baby.

[headfairy]

oh Piemistress, so sorry for your loss. It's bloody horrible and such a shock when it happens. I too hadn't given it a thought, had ds at 35 and got pg the second month of trying for dc2. I lost that one at 7 weeks, but got pg the following month. I lost that one at 7 weeks too. I seriously thought I was never going to have dc2, but 2 months later I got pg again. I was 39 years old.

what I'm trying to say is don't give up. I was told my miscarriages were most likely due to my age, but that it didnt' preclude for one moment having another baby, and it didn't. I'm sure it won't for you.

On a practical level I didnt' collect any of the clots etc that came out from either of my mcs, I went to the epu a few days later once the clots had stopped coming out to confirm the mc was complete but that was it. As you can see from the first para, I was able to conceive again pretty much straight away. I would call up the epu and ask them if they want to leave your existing booking or make another one sooner.

Don't give up hope... big ((((((((hugs)))))))))))

[crystalglasses]

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Nothing anyone can say will take away the emotional pain you are experiencing. I too conceived my first dc very easily and had no reason to expect to miscarry the second preganancy, so just like you, it was a dreadful shock when I did and I too didn't want people feeling sorry for me. I was on the receiving end of various hurtful (to me) comments but I don't think that until you miscarry a much wanted baby, you really realise what an awful experience it is and that it is a baby to you, even if in the early stages of development.

[LordOfTheFlies]

Pie mistress it is horriible how common MC are and unfortunately the early ones (pre 12 wk) seem to be swept under the carpet. Personally I didn't think about myself enough and went into work the next day and ended up in tears over a silly incident, shouldn't done things different. It still chokes me sometimes to think of it but time is a healer ( and all those other annoying cliches). I'm sure people don't know what to say but talking makes it easier-use your friends especially those who have been through it.

[Ungratefulchild]

Be good to yourself PM. I miscarried after taking a while to conceive a second child. I was in the US staying with someone I didn't know well and it was all a bit of a nightmare but I brushed it under the carpet. Think I felt that I didn't deserve to be pregnant ifywim? Happily I conceived again after only one period and Ds2 (5) is the result. My Dp sometimes says that he is glad I miscarried because if I hadn't we wouldn't have Ds2. I could PUNCH him, seriously.
xxx

[LordOfTheFlies]

Oh Ungratefulchild I feel guilty when I think this but you've echoed it.If the one that didn't stay on board had gone to term I wouldn't have had that exact egg and sperm that is now my luvverly DD. (some might call it kismet) but your DP is right-so don't punch him

[Ungratefulchild]

I think he thinks its okay to say he's 'glad' because I didn't make a fuss about the miscarriage at all so he thinks I'm perfectly fine about it. I know he's right really, maybe that's why I feel angry? because I feel guilty?

I may be overanalysing this :)

How are you feeling today PM?

[PieMistress]

Hi Peeps,

Not sure how i'm feeling today. The bleeding is now down to a very light trickle so i'm really hoping when I go for my scan on Monday that's it and I won't need any 'intervention', and the pregnancy test is negative.

DS just stottered into the lounge clutching his tigger and looking so cute and pleased with himself that I just burst into tears and started sobbing (again!).

I'm feeling quite negative at the moment and have already resigned myself to the fact that he won't have a sibling. Is this normal? I know at 39 my chances aren't great but I just wish wish wish we had started trying earlier. We didn't meet until we were in our 30s then we were having a blast going on lots of adventures together and then, thought we should get cracking on a family and I had DS when I was 37 (DH was 40). We had a rough time in the first few months of DS's life with severe lack of sleep so couldn't even think about no.2 until he was a year old and now i'm 39 :( Been reading scary stories about blood clotting disorders and the such like!!

No joy for the first few months then conceived the month I started taking pre-conception vitamin supplements (probably co-incidence).

I'm looking for some hope amongst other 'older' mummies out there that I should stay positive and not give up on no.2.

I actually managed to think of 6 friends yesterday that I know have had m/c, which is quite a lot. I've only told one of them (who had 2 m/c and now 2 DS).

Sorry for the disjointed nature of my post.

I am so appreciative of all your comments, they have really really helped me xxx

[MrsC1977]

Hi, I'm sorry about ur loss. I recently miscarried in march. I was 8-9 weeks pregnant. I started with light bleeding then 2 days later I had blood gushing from getting out the car to get to epu. I've never seen blood like it. I sat in the toilets in the hospital in tears, as there was blood everywhere on the toilet/floor etc. I felt like screaming when someone was knocking on the door wanting the toilet cus as well as having labour type pains I was on the floor mopping the blood up I even had to get DH in to help me clear the toilet ! Awful experience I'm glad I had a coat as my jeans were soaked in blood! Can't write anymore as I have dd is throwing toys about

[Ungratefulchild]

I was 41 when I had Ds2 PM x