Am i being unfair or just bitter?

[Cazm2]

Hi All - apologies for the length!!!

looking for a bit of advice really. I had a MMC at the beg of Nov I didnt find out till the scan and it was my first pregnancy.

I have found peoples reactions very difficult to deal with. My sister who is younger than me has DD who is 19 months old she was brilliant and i wouldnt have survived without her. However the rest of my family and DH family havent been any good at all. They didnt really contact us and very much us to be over it and cant understand why its still so very painful.

however I have found myself now distancing myself from my family apart from my sister as i feel angry particularly at my mum who to be honest I dont think really supported me at all. She is very much of the attitude of getup and get on with it. Her whole life revolves around my neice (who is her first grandchild) i can completely understand this however there hasnt been any recognition from her of how painful it is for me sometimes when we get together and the whole familys attention is constantly on my niece. Dont get me wrong i love my neice to bits but my mum it has to be said is completely over the top with her she will take her off people who are cuddling her or talking to her without evern realising i think she is doing it. Anyway basically i dont really any phone calls from her now for weeks on end unless i phone her. she works within school system so has been on half term and i havent heard from her heardly at all. she looks after my niece as my sister works part time and it just seems so full on.

I just feel very sad and angry that i dont really think she was there for me. I have had ibs problems and also recurrent bouts of cysistis since due to stress and upset and she basically said to me if you dont sort yourself out then your not going to get what you want are you - meaning a baby.


i then have the flip side of constant inference with DH family who are pretty much suffocating.

i guess i am now at a complete loss and dont really know how to resolve this.

[LIG1979]

Hello Cazm2,
I am sorry that you are having a tough time with your family. I think that everyone reacts to grief in different ways and that sometimes people don't know how to react and so do nothing to avoid upsetting you. Have you spoken to your mum about how you feel? Maybe just so she knows to give you a call and make the effort. Also, about getting you to sort yourself out - I think that everyone needs time and you need to take that time to sort yourself out physically and mentally.

My MIL has been brilliant, however my mum has been trying to bring me food and discuss what I could have possibly done wrong to cause my miscarriage and getting angry with the hospitals treatment of me by making me wait for a second scan. (In my opinion the hospital have been great to me.) I am trying to convince myself that my mum isn't being mean but she just wants answers and to blame someone for what I am trying to convince myself is just 'bad luck'.

Big hugs and I hope you manage to make some progress with your family. Is you DH being supportive? Can he help in anyway? x x

[MandaHugNKiss]

Hey, cazm2

I was going to a wedding on Saturday (two weeks after my miscarriage at 16+ weeks). I said to DP I was dreading it, as I was aware that people who knew, but hadn't seen me since, we're not going to be able to win. By that I mean I felt sure that if anyone said to me 'How are you/I'm sorry/whatever' I would get tearful, but conversely if they didn't say anything then I'd be upset that my baby, and the loss of him, wasn't being acknowledged.

As it turned out, by voicing that I knew they couldn't win, I realised that knowing that's how I felt, I had to deal with it. As lig says, people react differently to a loss and as much as we're encouraged to be kind to ourselves, I think we should also be kind to those around us affected by (or seemingly NOT affected by) what's happened.

Your sister has been there for you and whilst it would be lovely if all your immediate family (particularly your Mum) acted the same way, they are all individuals with they're own way of coping. You're also, understandably so, super sensitive to the dynamics in your family (especially regarding your niece) so again, this is partially about recognising what is your own 'deal'.

I'm so sorry for your loss - I think the grief can make us almost unrecognisable to ourselves. Consider asking your gp about counselling and let your mum know that's a step you've taken as you can't simply 'get over it'. It seems to me, given her 'get on with it' nature that she really doesn't understand how affected you are but she's not going to realise without being told, iyswim?

Hope things get easier for you soon.

[Cazm2]

Thanks for you words and sorry for both your losses. I think i am coping well with it i dont feel i need a counsellor but i just feel let down by people that i thought i could lean on.

I do understand about its about how i am feeling but i feel angry that it gets turned around to me when actually its because other people cant cope with it.

i guess i just feel slightly abandoned by my mum as she spends so much time with my sister and my neice and i have really been left to deal with it on my own. she did tell me that she didnt phone me for over a week whilst i was having a second erpc as she felt i needed to be alone.

[MrsSteph]

I totally understand I have a great sister & friends, esp 1 friend who I did not ever imagine would be my rock in this situation, she is normally "the drinking pal" But my MIL as not even menitioned it to me, my DH says she is alway asking him how I am but I can not understand why she hasn't even asked me how I am or feel, I thought we where really close, and it is making me so sad, I keep going over it in my head & wondering why but I don't get it! Did the baby mean nothing or do people think it is not a big deal?
I understand they have not been through this but they are women!x

[luckyfor2]

Cazm2 There is nothing that I can say to help you through this but I can tell you that what you are going through sounds very familiar to what I went through when I lost my first baby last year. At the time everyone was very suportive but also came out with very strange words, like "are you sure you want another baby" (I already have 2DC) "it happenned to someone I knew" and "it wasn't meant to be" many, many things that really upset me and made me feel like people just didn't care and it didn't matter. I started to distance myself from my famly and some friends and my Mum thought I was acting "wrong" and "not normal" suggesting that I needed drugs and counselling. The thing is all I needed was for her to listen and understand without telling me what to do. I felt so angry at people for not getting it!

All I can say is that time will help with all of the things that are happening right now, take the care and advice from the people that understand and try not to worry and think about anybody else. You will start to think differently in time and it will help with your friendship with your mum. I'm sorry this is so hard for you, having a mc is like losing a living child (that is what my GP said to me and I agree). I also understand how hard it must be seeing your niece get all this attention and I know you wouldn't want anything else for her but it doesn't make it easier when you should have had your own little bundle of joy to share with them. The thing is that even though people can emphasise with this unless you have actually gone through this situation you cannot truly understand how it feels and your Mum obviously hasn't got a clue. Could you maybe print somethings from the internet for her or get your sister to do this to help her understand. There are some really good leaflets you can print out from the miscarriageassociation. Just an idea not sure if it will help. I wish you the best and I hope things get better for you and your DH.

take care

[Cazm2]

thanks lucky and i am sorry for your loss also.

its incrediably difficult and my due date is less than a week which has made me a little bit low. i have had severe ibs problems which has put a spanner in the conceiving works at the moment! so its been a crap 6 months!