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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

First anniversary of miscarriage. Can someone advise me please?

7 replies

BarbarianMum · 13/04/2011 18:33

Last year, a friend of mine had a missed miscarriage at 15 weeks. Obviously this was terribly traumatic for her and her husband. The pregnancy was a result of IVF and they have since decided to remain childless.

Anyway the first anniversary of their son's death is the end of this month. Could someone please advise me if it would be appropriate to mark it in some way ie send card and flowers? I haven't done this with other friends who have miscarried (these were all earlier) but on the other hand, she gave birth to him and buried him and it feels wrong not to acknowledge that. Honestly I'm scared of hurting her more and would appreciate any advice you can give me.

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hairylights · 13/04/2011 21:04

Personally I wouldn't.

I have had three miscarriages in twelve months and I can tell you that for me, my grief is private and personal and very deep.

Whilst I think it's really thoughtful of you I'd just get in touch before the anniversary and mention you're there if she wants to talk. Dont say too much or expect her to want to talk though. If she doesn't take up your offer just drop the subject.

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dooscooby · 14/04/2011 12:42

Hi there
I can't say how your friend would be feeling, particularly given that both of my m/cs were earlier (6 & 9.5weeks) and I hadn't endured IVF. What I can say is that I think it's very considerate of you not only to remember the date but also to think to seek advice about what to do.

I do think there is potential to upset your friend, as when I want to talk I want to talk 'then and there' and other times I positively hate the idea that someone might ask me about it and set me back - it makes it hard to know how to handle me. Maybe something very discreet like hairy says - just say that you're thinking of her and you're there if she ever would like to talk about things.

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iggi999 · 14/04/2011 18:38

I think the fact that you have remembered the date is very important - personally I'd have liked a card, but not flowers (not that any of my friends ever remembered!)

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iggi999 · 14/04/2011 18:38

I think the fact that you have remembered the date is very important - personally I'd have liked a card, but not flowers (not that any of my friends ever remembered!)

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ChristinedePizan · 14/04/2011 18:39

A card or even just a text to let her know you're thinking of her. Not flowers

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cheepcheepchoconora · 14/04/2011 18:46

completely agree - just a card or note to let her know you are thinking of her will be more than enough x

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BarbarianMum · 15/04/2011 09:28

Thank you all for your advice on such a personal subject.

I think I will send a card. We were very much in touch whilst it was all happening, I've visited the garden of remembrance with her, and not to mention it in any way feels wrong. But I will keep it low key.

Thanks again for your help.