struggling

[juicee]

Hi

I found out a week ago today that i was miscarrying as my hcg levels had dropped. I broke my heart when i found out and for a couple days i was up and down, monday morning in the early hours i woke up with terrible cramps and bled heavily so think that was the miscarriage. My dp was fantastic although he felt he wasn't much help, but he was.. anyway i thought i was starting to come to terms with it, but yesterday i broke down and cried for what seemed like forever, my dp asked what was wrong but i just couldn't talk to him, i have tried so hard to be brave, and think positive, but this is so difficult, i had to go to the hospital again today to have my hcg levels checked again, and i found myself breaking down again. I am finding it so hard to talk to family and friends about it as i feel i should be brave, i also have 2 daughters 15 and 10 and i dont want them to see how i am really feeling, but now think that me putting that brave face on has made it harder for me to deal with. I want my dp to know how i really feel but i am scared that if i told him how gutted i am, it will put him off trying again, i just dont know what to do. Sorry for the rant but thought that maybe if i shared my thoughts with you ladies, as you know how i am feeling, you may be able to offer some advice.
Thanks Jules. x

[LittleMissMoi]

Hi jules,
I've just found out I've miscarried and I think having early scans really helped me deal with it - have you had one or just bloody levels? I'd seen a heartbeat first, but continued bleeding and cramping and a scan yesterday showed that I'd passed the baby...I had my suspicions but wasn't sure. I know exactly how you feel and I imagine it's harder already having children as you feel you need to put on a brave face. There's nothing wrong with having a good cry - it's natural! You need to grieve.
If you haven't already - request a scan, as I think finally knowing once and for all really helps you to begin to accept it. I'ts hard if you're still wondering and unsure.
My only advice is don't force yourself to feel a certain way - go with it. Perhaps try writing to your partner if you don't feel able to talk?
So far I've had a good cry, then went to my parents with my husband - after some more crying, we got a take away and had a 'normal' evening together and that helped me. I'm home alone today and thinking about it more, and getting upset, but it's one day at a time.
I'm sure your partner will want to support you and is prob unsure how. When you're both ready you can discuss trying again, but maybe for now you just need lots of cuddles, a big cry and lots of tissues!
I'm sending you big hugs and hope each day gets a little brighter for you x

[avaj]

So sorry to hear that Jules.
Please don't give yourself a hard time, you have to grieve and every day will be up and down for a good while.
The grief will get easier as time goes on, and you just need to cry when you have too, and there will be times when you are more able to talk about it.
Take care of yourself. x

[juicee]

Thanks littlemiss sorry that you are going through the same thing, i did have a scan last week and my uterus was empty at first they said it was either earlier or i had already passed it, (which at the time found hard to believe i had passed as i was only spotting and didnt have any clots). Also thanks avaj it means a lot that you both replyed, i just didn't know where to turn, i want to talk to my dp but i just don't think he knows how to deal with me so upset, bless him. I just want to be able to move on but its so hard, its not until you go through it yourself you can really appreciate how other women have felt. I feel completely lost at the moment, i was so chuffed when i found out we were expecting, now i dont know what to do with myself. I am getting married next month, i want to start trying again as soon as possible, but if i was to try straight away and conceive i am scared that it will happen again and make things difficult for me to enjoy my wedding, i feel as though my head is spinning at the mo. I just want the bleeding to stop and be signed off from the epau so i can move on without the constant reminders, is that wrong that i feel that? I know it will take time, but its so hard. Thanks for your support, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Jules.x

[LittleMissMoi]

It's not wrong that you feel like that at all, it's so hard when you've planned something and got so excited, only to have it all disappear without much warning. The fact we have no control at all and won't know what comes next makes it even harder. I'm so impatient and don't know how I'm going to do the waiting game again.
I feel the same re bleeding - it's like a constant reminder. I'm trying to see it as a period that I know will end and then hopefully my body will be able to try again.
I got married last year, so know how stressful a wedding can be - and how enjoyable. Maybe try throwing yourself into that?
If you're really struggling, speak to your GP. That's what they're there for. It sometimes helps speaking to someone you don't know...I guess like these msg boards.
You're not alone - and no matter how many people tell you it wasn't meant to be, it doesn't make it easier. Try thinking that if you're constantly worrying, your body isn't going to feel ready again. You're about to have one of the most exciting days of your life, and you should enjoy that...then enjoy the trying again on your honeymoon?
I don't know if any of this helps, and I apologise if it doesn't...we're good at saying stuff aren't we? Not so good at taking our own advice! I really hope that some wonderful news is around the corner for you xx

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

I'm so sorry for your loss :(

It's such a short time since your mc it is no wonder you feel like that. Mine was 6 weeks ago and I still do. Are you working? If so, make sure you take as much time as you need, don't try to rush the recovery. MissMoi is right about us not taking our own advice btw

Take care xx

[juicee]

Thanks little miss, time is a healer and i need to give myself time, it is after all said and done early days, i have also been trying to convince myself its like a period, i was doing ok well thought i was until yesterday, Thanks for your message Gwen, i am a student nurse and unfortunately cant take time off from uni, i used up my quota of days off in january when my daughter had her tonsils out, so cant take anymore, plus i dont want them to know about it, bad i know, but the less people know, i may find it a little easier to deal wit, its hard enough at home let alone at uni. I am so glad i have found this forum, it really does help to talk to others in the same position.
Thanks Jules. x

[magichen]

hi jules, just wanted to say I've been there too and I'm thinking of you, it will get easier but please do give yourself that time. xx

[wellieboots]

so sorry for your loss

there are lots of lovely ladies on here who have been through mc, they were an amazing support to me when I had my mc in December.

I'm thinking of you, sorry you can't get time off that must be a real strain. Feel free to come on here for support whenever you feel up to it. Take it very easy and be kind to yourself. Hope you have lots of support in real life. It will take time but it does very slowly get better. xx

[Neeko]

Hi. Sorry for your loss It's 2 years today since I found out about my MMC and, like you, I really struggled. Talking about it really helped me (and still does) so I wanted to tell you to do that if you feel the need. Maybe your DP would like to talk about it too? MN really helped me cope, so post on here if you feel you can't talk in RL.

Not sure if this helps but my DD2 will be 1 soon. Lots of women go on to have healthy pgs after MC. You just need to give yourself some time and allow yourself to grieve. The loss you've suffered is real.

Take care.

[juicee]

Thanks for all your replies, it really means a lot to have your support. I also wanted to say that i am really sorry to you for your losses. I have had a good couple of days, well since i stopped bleeding which was saturday, but that didnt last long as i started again today and it has made me feel deflated again, it just feels like it's never going to end. :(

[Neeko]

How are you now juicee? I hope the bleeding has stopped.

[Collie2]

Jules i am so sorry for your loss and that you are struggling. Your post reminded me so much of my own at the end of last year (apart from the 2 dc). I mc over xmas, and for one illigical reason or another, i put lots of pressure on myself to be 'ok'. After a week had past i felt it wasn't acceptable to keep breaking down to cry, and that i should be back at work and back to normal. It was only after posting on here and being reminded by so many lovely ladies that its ok to greive and to take the time to do so, that i actually let myself. It took me a good 2-3 weeks to really start to feel anything like a bit better, but slowly the sad grief stricken days got shorter and further apart. Don't put pressure on yourself, and don't try to hard too protect you dc. They will know you well enough to see you are not yourself, and your recovery will be easier if you lean on your family.

Much love to you, its such a sad time and i am sorry you are having to go through it. x

[juicee]

Thanks collie2, and Neeko.
its still early days but after a heart to heart with my dp last friday, and the chance to actually let out my feelings, (i have never cried so much in my life, actually thought i wasn't going to stop). I have started to feel a bit better, have cried a little this week, it don't help when i continue to bleed as just want it to be over, i started bleeding on the 24th feb, miscarried on the 7th march stopped bleeding on the 12th and started again on the 15th so must admit that made me sad again, i'm going to phone epac today as it's been quite heavy and its starting to worry me as it seems like it's never going to end. I am so so sorry for your loss Collie, and i am so glad that i have found this forum, it has really helped me through one of the worst times of my life, thank you so much ladies. xx

[Mitzimaybe]

I know where you're coming from about your dp because I'm going through the same thing with mine. I felt like he was the only person I could really let all my feelings out to, but he hates to see me cry and feels so helpless to do anything. I told him that just being there for me is enough but he wants to "do" something. Once when I phoned him in tears for the nth time after getting more bad news, he said "Well one thing's for sure - we're never going through this again." I'm scared that he'll never go near me again - we haven't been "intimate" at all yet.

As far as being up & down emotionally is concerned, remember you've been on a hormonal as well as emotional roller-coaster and some days will be fine and others will be awful. I haven't had any time off work (apart from the hours I've spent in the EPAU) and now I feel like I could do with a bit of a break just to "process" what's happened but as I'm now physically over it, it would feel like skiving. Anyone else have a problem with the old protestant work ethic?