feeling alone

[dizzy55]

Not sure if it's advice I want or relationship advice!

I miscarried 5 weeks ago, and am still waiting for the sadness to disaapear. It just keeps on biting. My dp is clearly over the whole thing, and I now feel like 'mc' is a taboo word in our house. My friend is due a week after I was due which is also really hard.

When I tell dp i am feeling sad/angry, whatever emotion it is, he explains it all away quickly, brushes it away, and says not to dwell. I guess he has moved on, and is also scared to let me dwell on my feelings because he wants us to go back to a happy couple. Feeling so alone. My best friend lives hundreds of miles away too. I am back at work, life is very busy, but sometimes I worry about stopping still and feeling too sad.

[kd73]

Hi Dizzy,

Sorry to hear of your loss, I promise you it will get better but 5 weeks is still very early days.

It could be that your partner is unable to deal with your emotions as well as his own. As I said it does get better, honestly but until then be kind to yourself and your dp.

[artifarti]

So sorry you are going through this. I think partners can find the whole thing difficult. I had an ERPC ten days ago and one day I feel fine, the next day I'm on the floor. My friend who also had a mc recommended a leaflet on the Miscarriage Association website called 'Men and Miscarriage' and I think it did help my DP a bit. It might be worth a look although I know these things aren't for everyone.

As kd73 says it is very early days. You are still grieving. Look after yourself.

[confu3ed]

Hi Dizzy - My DP also brushes it off and thinks that I should be OK as it just wasn't meant to be. I think it is a male thing. Also they may be upset at the loss, but then it is over for them. We have to go through the ERPC, examinations, potential infections and then the hormonal changes that happen. They also don't have the same attachment as it was not their body. That is how I have got my head around it anyway!

I had my 3rd mc, 2nd concurrent 2 weeks ago, and had an ERPC (4th one) almost a fortnight ago. My DP reckons I like moaning, I don't BTW!!!!

Just remember that it is early days, and you are going to feel sad sometimes, it is normal...allow yourself time. It does get easier. x

[caz1323]

Hi, So sorry to hear your news. I can completely understand what you are going through I am miscarrying at the moment and had a talk with my dp last night and said to him that it's like he doesn't care and like nothing is happening and I feel like I am going through this on my own. He said to me that everyone deals with things in their own way and that he is really gutted and it is hurting him but he is more worried about how I am. He also said he might have backed off a bit as since we found out a week ago that i was having a mmc he was asking me every day if I was ok or asking what was wrong! Of course with what I was going through i replied to him of course I'm not ok and you know what is wrong. He said just because I'm not crying or acting like I'm upset it doesn't mean I don't care because I do. He also said he can't act like I am as it's my body that is going through it all and he said that hurts him too.
Trust me when I say 5 wks is still early days and it does take time to get over it and you will get over it but you will never forget.
I wish you all the best, take care and just be reassured your dp does care he is just dealing with it the best way he knows how.xxx

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

Another one here with a detached DH. My ERPC was two weeks ago. He was very sad for a day or two and then suddenly he snapped out of it. I asked him how he was feeling, thinking he was just hiding it in the same way that I was and he said no, he really didn't think about it now.

I am also ok one day and in bits the next. I ran out of work yesterday because of a thoughtless comment by one of the few colleagues who knows that happened. I couldn't believe she'd said what she said. I'm not too bad when I'm busy but as soon as I'm on my own or in the middle of the night I fall apart. I'm still counting how many weeks I would be every Thursday (14). I can't keep that up till 40 weeks, surely?!

Anyway, the point of all this waffling is that we had a massive row late last week when he finally realised that I was far from ok and being 'over it' and having to get on with looking after our 3 yo etc etc are two different things. He admitted that it isn't his body, he just wants to get on and try again.

[MrsSteph]

I am really sorry for everyone losses I think confu3ed summed up my DH they don't have the same attachment as it is not is their bodies & it is over for them. I feel my DH thinks another baby is the answer to everything almost like I have lost a piece of jewellery that can be replaced!
I also feel that for me (not sure if others do too) I feel like I am the only person who loved this baby, the dad, grandparents, auntie uncles etc where sad for me when I MC but have too moved on & I am the only person who really cared, I do understand why other people don't attach feeling with a positive stick but it saddens me so much!!

Sorry that you have a thoughtless comment made to you GwendolineMaryLacey, I had a pregnant friend who knew I MC only 2 weeks ago & complained to me how rubbish being pregnant, not being able to drink, being tired & uncomfortable, I really could not believe it & not sure I will ever forgive her, It took all my strength not to punch her & I still wish I had but I know she would not wish to upset me people really are just stupid in these situtions (part of me thinks, she thought it would actual make me feel better)
Unfortunately unless you have been through a MC I do not think you would ever understand the pain!

Take care & be kind to yourself!xxx

[KnackeredOne]

Hello MrsSteph,

So very sorry to read your story. I went through an horrendous pregnancy when everything that could possibly go wrong did. It got to the point where I was told that might have to abort at 20 weeks...terrible terrible dark times.

In the end we were blessed and saw pregnancy through to 30 weeks before CS.

But what I want to say is that it was a very lonely, desperately sad time. I felt so scared, lonely and an utter failure. Thought I had done something wrong to affect my baby and it's chances.

My DP dealt with it in his own way, and still now when I ask him about it 2 years on, he still says he saw me first, then the baby, because he felt so detached as it was difficult for him to comprehend the attachment to my body. He saw it a lot of the time in the form of statistics and that was the only way he could deal with it...and then he finally admitted that he was scared, because he just didn't know what to think or feel, or what he should say to me. All he could do was look at me and try and give me the support or try and say what he thought were the right things that were expected of him. I sometimes think it only really becomes REAL to men when they are faced with the little living person - screaming "I'm here, get on with it".

I really do hope that in time you get better/happier. But don't be too hard on yourself. You need time to heal - and I too always say "Be kind to yourself". x

[Cazm2]

I sympathise completely with MrsSteph as that is exactly what I have been goign through. Everyone esle has generally just got on with their lives and i feel like i am mad for still getting upset 3 months on. my parents are very wrapped up in their other only grandchild understandably so but i find it very difficult. My DH is very much pressurising to concieve again and finds it difficult to understand my reluctance! its very hard

big hugs to you all
x

[dizzy55]

Thanks for replying everyone. I keep expecting to pick up....but feel I have possibly sunk into a depression now. Can't seem to snap out of it. I was having some good days until this week..now only bad days. And dp seems oblivious. After the mc at xmas dp said we could ttc in a few months. This has now changed to two years, due to work related reasons. I am gutted....I guess that was how I was coping, with the thought we could try again soon.
I don't dare tell him how awful I feel now. He knows it was a lot for me to take in, about waiting. But he really has no idea how upset i am. I guess my fear is he will get sick of it all.

[caz1323]

Hi again Dizzy, I went to the hospital on friday for another scan to make sure (as they said everything is gone!) Well I am still miscarrying. My midwife is getting me referred to the rmc as my doctor is useless and has not done anything to help me at all. Obviously I have now been told I am not allowed to get pregnant until I have been seen and tests have been done! My partner has just been carrying on as normal going out drinking with his mates staying out all night. I have now gone into a depressive state yet again! I really feel as if I am losing all hope i totally broke down yesterday and completely lost it I told him that I was falling apart and he just couldn't see it as he is not there for me and doesnt seem to care. I sat in my bedroom the whole day just staring at nothing and just thinking about all the babies I have lost and crying all day and night. I suppose it doesn't help the fact that my previous mc before this one would be due in 2 wks. My dp was very supportive when he saw me yesterday and the state I was in he said he thought I was coping and didn't realise just how hard this has hit me. He couldn't apologise enough and said I should have spoken to him and told him that I am not coping! He said at least we are finally going to be able to get tests done now. I just said I don't want to be here anymore I just wanted to give up and die! That is hard to say but it is how I felt yesterday. My friend said why do you keep putting yourself through this and told me to get sterilised! easier said than done when that person has never had a mc and doesn't want anymore children. I know exactly how you are feeling and from the bottom of my heart I urge you to talk to him you cannot keep all this bottled up inside it will eat away at you even more than ever with what you are already coping with.
Please do not feel you are alone. There is always someone to talk to who is going through the same as you.
All the best honey. Chin up.
Carron.xxx

[dizzy55]

I am so so sorry it's been so awful for you Carron. Thank you so much for posting. I guess I needed to hear someone else's story. sometimes I feel like i am on a rollercoaster...one minnute ok then hitting an all time low it feels. I am glad you told him, you're right it's not good to bottle so much up. Not that I have any idea what to say to my dp. He is such an upbeat fella...wouldn't know where to start.

I am shocked by what your friend (!)said. Hang in there. Good luck with all the tests. I'd like to hear how you get on. I am so desperate to get pregnant again....but coming to terms with waiting I suppose. Are you getting any support apart from your friends. The nurse suggested I try some counselling, even if briefly.

take care
xx

[caz1323]

It was very hard for me to say anything to my dp and I just text him(as sad as that sounds!)saying that I was falling apart and that he just couldn't see that. Like your dp mine is also upbeat so know exactly where you are coming from and how you feel. Sometimes it is easier to write things down instead of saying it because then the other person actually reads and hears what you are saying.You can only try! It worked for me. I will keep you updated when I finally get tests done and how I get on. Not getting any support apart from my partner who has now realised I am not coping.
I'm the same as you can't wait to get pregnant but I am going to have to wait for a while now.

Please keep in contact as it does help hearing about others going through the same you realise you are not going through it alone.

All the best.
Carron.xxx

[muzzy2011]

Reading your post is like reading my mind. I feel exactly the same, the sense of loneliness can be overwhelming at times. My dh seemed sad for a day or two but then back to normal and to be honest I don't blame him-it's just not the same for them.
I feel like it's all I think about and desperate to start trying again!
I hope at least you realise you are not alone and there are lots of us feeling the same pain. Am sure good things will come to us in time. xxxx