My baby's gone.

[Tokyotwist]

I went for my 12 week scan on Monday and was told my baby's heart stopped at 8 weeks. Just had an evac today. I hate that word but can't think of a better one.

I had no warning, still being sick this morning. My body still felt pregnant and held on to my baby for weeks, which has made it all very hard to accept. I have to accept it now, the painkillers and anesthetic are wearing off, so I've a constant reminder that my baby is not nestled in my womb any more.

I'm feeling very raw and very guilty. Everyone keeps telling me it's just nature but I was very sick recently and can't help thinking of all the things I did and didn't do. I didn't eat or drink much for about 4 days. I lifted my 2 year old. I did some gardening. It's silly I know but these are the things going through my head.

That and how my baby will never have those firsts that my dd had. And will never get to meet us. We would have loved him/her so much.

And worst is, I have nothing to remember him/her by, no scan picture, just my pregnancy notes and some leaflets.

God but this is hard. I'm sorry if I'm upsetting anyone. I just felt I needed to write some of this down.

[bruhaha]

Sorry I don't have much to say but i'm very for your loss. It's better to talk than to bottle your feelings up.

[chocadoodle]

Hi *Tokyotwist" I'm so sorry for your loss.

I can't think of anything to say to try and make you feel better. It's just horrible. I'm going through a miscarriage right now, for the second time and it's just as heartbreaking as the first.

Sometimes it's easier to tell strangers how you're feeling rather than loved ones. But I do hope you have support at home too.

None of the activities you've described above will have caused this to happen. The human brain wants to find a reason and something/someone to blame and sometimes there's no reason and no blame. Life can just be so bloody unfair.

I hope you start feeling a bit better in a few days. If your 2 year old is anything like mine you'll find yourself smiling again before you know it.

[olismum23]

I am sorry for your loss maybe when you are feeling better you could do something to commemorate his/her life not yet lived. I am going through a possible missed m/c at the moment and if it does not work out i will do something similar. I am sure it was nothing you did just "one of those things" i hate the cliché but its true.
My husband said something the other day that helped me that his/her soul is still there and will come back when there is a strong enough body to carry them in.
It may help sorry if i have offended i know some people dont believe in things like that.
S xx

[hermioneweasley]

i am so sorry to hear that. we lost a baby (earlier than you), but it was devastating. What i can say, is it does get easier. we have been lucky enough to have another baby since, and that's a comfort too. we only ever wanted two, so if we hadn't had the miscarriage we wouldn't have DD (obviously we would have loved the baby we lost, it is just scary to think we wouldn't have DD IYSWIM)

be kind to yourself, write down your thoughts and talk to your partner. it is so sad. take care of yourselves.

[hester]

I'm so very sorry. I lost a baby too. It was devastating. I wish I could wave a wand and wish your grief away. xx

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a missed miscarriage 12 days ago. I was 11 weeks, baby didn't get past 6 weeks. I know exactly how you feel. I have nothing other than letters for appointments I never got to and a copy of the letter sent to my GP from the hospital explaining what had happened and asking her to cancel ante natal care.

Echo what everyone else has said. Be gentle on yourself xx

[Horton]

I lost a baby in exactly the same way as you. I'm so sorry. It feels like it will never feel better but I promise it will. You won't forget your baby and you will still think 'what if' all the time, but you will feel better. Again, I'm so sorry.

[Tokyotwist]

Thank you everyone. My husband and family are very supportive. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. I just wish we weren't going through this. I wish no one had to go through this.

[Alibobster]

Tokyotwist I wish I could do or say something to helpl. I am so very, very sorry that you are suffering this awful pain.

When I had my ds I conceived on holiday and was drinking 14 nights on the trot, not taking floic acid. With my four consecutive pg I have done everything by the book but they have still resulted in m/c. You have done nothing wrong. Life is just an unfair fucker xxx

[jumpyjan]

So sorry Tokyotwist. I had an experience very similar to yours with my first pregnancy (about 4 years ago now). The saddest thing that has ever happened to me.

I believe you need to grieve. The way you are feeling sounds much like the way I felt. Looking back at things I did and didn't do because you want an explanation for it all - sadly there is not one though.

Take things slowly and keep talking, it will get easier in time and you will start to look to the future again.

[mumatron]

tokyo what has happened to you is crap and i'm sorry that you are going through it.

keep posting here if it helps you, the support can be invaluable.

i have bought myself something after each of miscarriages to remember the baby by. when i feel down it helps to have the things there to hold etc. could you do the same? or maybe planting something in the garden? a tree perhaps?

it's great that you have a supportive dh and family aswell.

and fwiw, you absolutely did not do anything that had caused this to happen, it's just one of lifes little kicks in the teeth.

take care of yourself and i hope you feel better soon

[Pinkchampagne]

So sorry you are going through this.

I had a similar experience last year. I went along for my 12 week scan & was told my baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks.
Like you I had strong pregnancy symptoms throughout & no bleeding or spotting, so there were no warning signs.

It is one of the toughest things I have been through. I am so glad to hear you have a supportive DH & family.

Take care of yourself.

[cazzybabs]

I planted a tree so I could remember.

There was nothing you could have done differently - it just wasn't meant to be this time

[FluteyBoots]

So sorry for you, I also had MMC at 12 week scan. I found some of the info on the miscarriage association website helpful. You will always remember your baby, they will always be with you even if you don't have a picture. I will always have the due date of my lost baby marked in my heart and spend time thinking about them.

There is nothing you did or didn't do to blame, it's just the saddest thing.

Take care of yourselves and each other x

[littlemisslozza]

So sorry to hear that tokyotwist

I had a mc before DS1 and I planted some bulbs in the garden that would have flowered around the time the baby would have been born. Four years on I still feel a little sad but slightly comforted to see the beautiful flowers. I will never forget my first 'almost' baby, but have nothing else to remember him/her by.

I think you are were on the due in August board, would it help if I removed you (and explained to the others why) so you don't have to go through the explanation again?

Take care of yourself, hope you are getting lots of hugs.

[Tokyotwist]

Littlemisslozza Yes please and thank you. I have not wanted to upset or scare anyone on there and can't really face logging in.

[milkyway2007]

Hi, i am sorry for your loss, and I hope you find the strength to get through this. Writing things down helps alot.
I had a missed miscarriage diagnosed last Monday, and had a medically managed miscarriage today.

Your baby may not be with you, but he/she will always remain in your heart, and I do believe in heaven, and that all the little angels that dont make it to earth are there. Your baby knew you loved him/her - even for those few weeks, you were their everything.

The road to recovery is hard, and sometimes painful, but time will heal. I am glad you have a supportive husband - I am sure you will both support each other through this terrible time.

Lots of hugs and get well soon xx

[peacedreamer]

It is heartbreaking and sad ; you are allowed to be heartbroken and sad . My first pregnancy ended this way and I ( completely irrationally ) felt really stupid for not knowing and carrying on being pregnant . I think the guilt kicks in with conception and never goes away , part of being a Mum ....I know that now .

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

I felt stupid as well peacedreamer. For five weeks I gave up caffeine, a real hardship for a tea lover like me. I was really ill but didn't have the x rays I needed, the medication etc. I have even realised that the moment I sat in the drs while she got her spinny wheel out to tell me the due date etc it was already over. I thought I was pg for 3 months. In fact it was only a fortnight. I feel so so stupid.

[Hils74]

Hi, I'm currently going through a natural mc, should be 5 weeks, but I think my baby died at 4 as my hormone levels didn't go up any more.

Bleed started yesterday morning, and now I have horrendous cramps. It seems like I am slowly bit by bit flushing my baby down the toilet :(

I didn't have any idea, and have happily been making plans since I found out, now I just don't know what to do.

He/She would have been our first, and this is my first mc...

[luckyfor2]

Hi Tokyo
I had a mmc last May and like you didn't find out until my 12 week scan (baby died at 9). I felt very sick up to the scan and everyone knew as I get v.big v.quickly. I also felt stupid I couldn't believe I'd been walking around so happy when the baby had already died.

I remember crying for days with no relief and feeling like I was in a bad dream. I had never sufferred grief before. It takes such a long time to recover and although you never totally recover it does get a little easier each day.

I spent lots of time on the internet researching reasons and got alot of help from the miscarriage association. In a couple of weeks if you still feel like you can't cope I would go to your doctor who will be able to organise a counsellor.

My thoughts are with you, its such a horrible thing to happen to anyone and it is definately not your fault.
x

[MrsSteph]

Hi, I am currently MC & like you wanted & loved this baby so much. I desperatly want some way of rememebering my baby as like you I did not get a scan picture or have the memory of feeling my baby move. I also get upset that my friends & family dismiss my feeling as I was "only" 7 weeks, but I am missing the memories & happiness I would have had & given my baby! We are currently trying to sell our home (which isn't so important now I don't need another room) so I didn't want to plant anything, also I don't have green fingers so worry if I it didn't grow I would get upset about that too... but it would be lovely for a plant to bloom around the expected date like littlemisslozza!
I have found a sculpture who does lovely customized pieces of your family with your baby included as an angel baby or butterfly or whatever you ask for! She is currently on vacation its maybe not for everyone but I like the thought that this baby is all ways part of our family! I am going to keep it on my bedside table. www.etsy.com/shop/TheMidnightOrange.
I am also going to write my baby a letter, telling her/him how much I love them & always will! I am not sure if I will keep the letter or maybe post it out to sea!

I think what olismum23's husband has said was lovely & I will remember that!

My thoughts are with everyone hurting through this...x

[luckyfor2]

MrsSteph
I think what you're doing is a lovely way to remember your baby. I have 2DD and we all have lucky ducks (little birthstone glass ducks that are supposed to be lucky from whitby) when my babies died I purchased ducks for them and keep them in a little box with scans/notes etc.

I also read a book that my friend gave me about angels which helped in some ways (Lorna Byrne, Stairways to Heaven).

If you go onto the miscarriage association website there are leaflets/downloads that you or your DH can pass on to family members. My family said the same things to me and it really hurt, the problem is that they don't know what to say either. I didn't have a clue until it happened to me.

Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time.

[harassedinherpants]

It will be 3 weeks tomorrow that I had a scan at 10+1 wks and was told our little baby died at 7wks. I had an erpc the following Tuesday, and today is my first day back in work.

The first few days I found the worst, particularly the 3rd day after the erpc. I think my body realised then what had happened and my hormones slumped. I can get through the day now, but still cry most evenings! I can see progress though.

Some people have said some really hurtful things, but they don't mean to hurt you. Most people don't actually know what to say! My mil didn't, and told me so at the weekend. Then asked if I was watching One Born Every Minute... . Stupid woman!

Treat yourself kindly, take care of yourself, do what you have to get through this first bit as that's the worst (chocolate in my case!) x

[mrsrobinredbreast]

Hello Tokyotwist and all of you other lovely ladies who are having to go through this too.

I had a MMC last September which was picked up at the scan. I found the first few days the hardest and then after the ERPC I found that each day I felt a little better. I can promise you, that whilst it takes time, the pain does ease. You will never forget your little baby, they will always be there in your heart. I think about mine more and more at the moment in the run up to what would have been my due date.

There's no right or wrong way to feel, just go with the flow and look after yourself. The best advice I had on here was to do / don't do whatever you need to, to get through this. I second the poster who recommended chocolate!

Thinking of you. x