5 MCs in 2 years - am really struggling at the moment

[MsJL]

Hi there Ladies.

I've just turned 37 and have had 5 mc's in the space of two years, the last one in October 2010. I'm under the care of St Mary's RMC and have been tested for everything to no avail.

We gave ourselves a little break over Christmas and I really did manage to 'just get on with life' but having returned from a holiday and the news that two friends are about to have their second children I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with sadness. I have no DC.

I'm actually feeling really angry that there's no support for people like me. My surgery won't give me counseling as their computer analysis tells them 'I don't need it'. The MC Association seem to have hardly any active groups and aren't able to offer anything. Having spent over £100 each time on three sessions in central London I can't really justify more private help and I don't think I should have to. I feel really strongly that anyone who's gone through this terrible experience should have some proper support offered to them.

I realise I sound like a mad woman but I'm feeling sad and angry and lonely today. I feel that I need to make my peace with being childless because it's just too hard to keep feeling this way.

I know nobody can make this better for me but I'd be really grateful if anyone has any words of wisdom or some positive thoughts to share.

[Alibobster]

MsJL I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.

You are definately not a mad woman and have every right to be sad and angry. I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom but just want you to know that you are not alone and there are loads of brilliant ladies on mumsnet who are a terrific support and can be a great comfort in dark days.

I have had 4 m/c, the last one at New Year and all the tests I have had done show there is nothing wrong with me. I do have a ds and I am forever for grateful for that and yes it does ease the pain but I am am desperate for another child and I understand the anger which you talk about. I was so enraged after my last m/c that i wanted to fight with anyone and everyone.

After my last ERPC the doctor I spoke to was fantastic. He said that my age was irrelevant (i'll be 37 in July) and that statistacally if I keep ttc I will have a baby. He was so adamant about this that it has given me some hope for the future.

The way I look at it is this time next year I could have another baby. You just don't know what is round the corner.There are many women who have multiple m/c but then manage to have a successful pg. There is no rhyme or reason to it and I know that when you do become pregnant it's a complete head f**k and you don't get to enjoy it like other women, it's just a time of great worry and anxiety. It's simply not fair.

I wish i could be more useful and do something to take away your awful pain. Please just remember there are people here who understand and really do care x

[luckyfor2]

MsJL I have no words of wisdom either but I read your post and couldn't pass by without saying how sorry I am for your losses, and how disgusted I am that you don't "qualify" for counselling. That is unbelieveable after what you have/are going through. I would go back to your GP and tell him/her how you feel again because you should have some support. That has made me so angry!

[MsJL]

Alibobster thank you so much replying. You taking the time to do that means a lot to me. I'm really sorry for your losses, I'm pained that you started the year in such a sad way but wish you all the best in adding to your family.

I feel that I've passed the point where people feel they can say anything encouraging to me. I definitely noticed that after the third mc that people stopped saying 'I'm sure you'll have a baby' because they weren't sure anymore and it just made them feel too sad and uncomfortable which I totally understand. I don't want to sound indulgent, (which I know I am being today) because people have suffered far worse. I suppose I'm feeling raw because friends are having second children and I feel like it's not going to happen for us at all which I know is horrible and ungenerous. I don't want to be that angry, bitter person - it's not who I am. We've just been through so much heartache and I'm feeling completely broken and battered today.

luckyfor2 thanks for responding. When I'm feeling stronger I am going to start a campaign for women/couples who've suffered losses to automatically have access to at least one counseling session. It's so exhausting to have to fight for this kind of support when you've gone through the experience of recurrent m/c.

[pureequeen]

I am sure you would have already explored this but my employer (1000 + employees) offers a confidential counselling service to talk about ANYTHING not just work stress. I have just booked a session to talk about my 4 losses (most recent last month, though I am absolutely blessed with a DS). As you found I could not find any support any other way and it is affecting my personality, my relationship with husband and my work.

I will sign up to your campaign!

[MsJL]

purequeen thank you for the thought but I work for a company of 13 people who are really not sympathetic to any form of weakness. In fact my bonus was almost halved this year with no explanation - I can only put it down to 3 mc's and and the three (yes really) days I took off for them and recovery.

I feel so strongly about the fact that women are not offered help more readily. I feel I could wage a really good campaign but think it requires me 'outing' myself and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that.

[couldthisbeit]

MsJL, I don't have any real words of wisdom but I might be able to offer a small ray of hope.

I have had 4 miscarriages and tests found no explanation. I am now 20 weeks pregnant and eagerly awaiting our 2nd scan this week. We didn't change anything but baby number 5 (we have no dc) is sticking around and, fingers crossed, all is well.

I know that heart aching, soul destroying longing for a baby, followed by a moment of joy when the test is positive, followed by the worst pain ever when the worst happens and I wish you luck and strength on your journey and hope that you don't give up x

[Penel]

MsJL, I too am so sorry and so angry for what you have been through. We lost our first baby at 14 weeks a year ago and found out last Friday that I have had a missed miscarriage (at 8 weeks) and am booked in for an ERPC tomorrow. Losing two babies seems more than I can bear, so wanted to say how brave you are to have had 5 and not be locked up in a lunatic asylum and to still have so much fighting spirit. What an amazing quality to pass onto a child. We were offered counselling through the hospital after losing our first child and had 2 sessions and found it really helpful, so really do think you should push hard for counselling through your GP. You are being so brave so just keep on remembering that. Good luck

[MsJL]

couldthisbeit I am in tears reading your message on the train! I am so thrilled for you and your DP. I wish you all the best with no. 5 and am sorry for your previous losses.

In just one sentence you have nailed exactly how I feel. I'm just wondering if I have the strength to go through it all again and moreover, I just don't want to be an angry, jealous person. It is, as you said, soul destroying.

Thank you for your positivity - I think it just feels spectacularly hard today. x

[MsJL]

penel thank you for your message. I shall be thinking of you tomorrow. In fact I'm thinking of you and your DP right now as the night before is pretty crappy too. I'm sorry you're going through this sadness again and only hope that you find the same support. Don't forget your slippers - I got told off at number 4 for not having any 'suitable footwear'!!

I actually left a message at St Mary's RMC as I recall a mention in Prof Regan's book for her team including two counsellors (not that they have been mentioned whilst I've been there) but nobody called back today.

Much love for the days ahead. x

[couldthisbeit]

MsJL I think your posts show that you do have the strength, and you have shown that by getting as far as you have.

The anger passed each time for me, and was replaced by a determination to try, just one more time!

My advice for what it is worth is to come here to these boards when you are having a day like today - they are filled with amazing ladies, some horribly sad stories, but plenty more full of inspiration and hope.

When no one else can understand, someone here will.

Lots of love and strength to you and your dp x

[sotough]

hi msJL please don't give up. I had four MCs in a row over the space of two years. it was absolutely horrendous, though I was incredibly lucky to have a DS before all the miscarriages started (he's now 3.5.) Despite it all, and never getting a diagnosis, i somehow found the strength to carry on, and i now have a four week old miracle daughter.
I totally understand the depths of despair you feel because in the middle of it all, I felt the same, and it would have been much worse if i hadn't had my little boy.
have you investigated natural killer cells? are you in london?
miscarriage is such an isolating experience but you are not alone.
I remember, in the middle of my own nightmare, i was in the park with my little boy, and there were three happy mums talking about how many (more) kids they were planning on having. they were all so flippant about it, talking as if having lots more children was the easiest thing in the world, and i just stood there listening, feeling like the loneliest freak in the world, thinking that a positive pregnancy test meant nothing to me, except weeks of ghastly uncertainty, followed by that blackest of moments, in a dark room, when a sonographer goes all quiet because they can't find a heartbeat.
my message to you is keep going. and go to the ends of the earth in your search for what is causing your miscarriages. even the tiniest clue could hold the key to your dream.

[MsJL]

sotough thank you for sharing your experience and many congratulations on your wonderful 4 week old girl.

It really has meant a lot that people took the time to respond yesterday when I was having a really bad time of it.

I have been lucky enough to have my NK calls tested and I'm in the normal range apparently. It's the thought of going through the whole experience of a positive test, a scan with a heartbeat and then the loss that is all so vivid. I just experienced such an loss of hope over the last six months whilst of course knowing that to get our longed for baby I have to potentially put myself through all that again. It's really hard.

Thank you again to you all for holding my hand through the gloom. Loads of love to penel today. x

[Penel]

I just wanted to thank you all for your incredibly kind messages of support. Had ERPC yesterday and it was actually a much less horrendous experience than last time. The consultant gave us a lot more of his time than we have had before and it helped to talk through our concerns and plans for the future. Op went well and amazingly have now stopped bleeding, though am taking things slowly so I don't undo doctor's good work. We have follow up appt in 6 weeks time (didn't have that last time) and have the option of having our bloods tested to see if we carry any genetic abnormalities, though he doubts we do. We have just been unlucky. So many women don't have a clue what we are all going through and it's not the kind of thing you discuss with people who have had problem free pregnancies, so this support network is so important for people like us. We are brave and strong and will all get through this. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger is now my mantra! My hubby and I now are now going to train for a charity bike ride for Save the Children, so that's a really positive goal for this year. Big hug to you all xxx

[MsJL]

penel sorry I hadn't looked at this for a few days but had been thinking about you.

I'm glad you've been well supported through this and so admire your attitude. I think I've felt a bit helpless as I feel that our medical support network has dropped away and that no-one is going to try anything new for us.

I really hope you find some answers and wish you well with the bike ride.

xx

[babaloulou]

MsJL I am feeling exactly the same as you at the moment. I had 3 m/c last year and took no time off. Thinking that I should just carry on and felt loyal to my business. I was looking forward to the Xmas break and thought I would feel fresh for the new year.

Well the new year bought 8 pregnancy announcements. I was/ am so angry with myself for the thoughts and feelings I had about other peoples fantastic news. I too have found myself to be unsociable and totally consumed with the pain and anxiety of last year. My work has also suffered.

I was away with work and shared my inner thoughts with a friend and she made me face my true feelings and made me realise that I needed to deal with my pain instead of trying to put it behind me.

So I have now made a doctors appointment and going to ask for time out of work to deal with it all and ask for counselling. I am hoping the sessions will help.

MsJL please stay in touch and let me know how you are getting on

[barmbrack]

MSJL,
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I too had 5 losses in about 2 years, (one ectopic, 3 MCs, one of twins).

We were finally successful after 6 years of trying. I don't know if it is any help at all, but we did find that taking baby aspirin (1 a day) definitely got us further than when I didn't take it. I had immune issues (I have arthritis and an over-active immune system that didn't let the placenta implant properly) and the baby aspirin made a big difference.

Big hugs and positive thoughts coming your way.

[Penel]

MsJL just checking in to find out how you are. I think about you so much and you really do give me strength. I've been struggling the last few days and just feel so low. I am on sick leave this week too as emotionally just don't feel capable of working. I lead a small team and last thing they need is a complete wreck at the moment. The thing I am finding so hard is how to plan for the future. We are moving house next week which surprisingly is exactly what I need. I am focussing on getting organised for move and thinking about our new home and where we will put all our furniture. can't seem to think further than a week at time at moment. My hubby asked me where we should go on holiday last Friday and I totally lost it. We had such amazing plans for the year (European holiday in June and welcoming our new baby into our lives in September) and I wasn't ready to give up on those plans just yet, though I know I have to. I know I am going through the various stages of grieving, but it is bloody hard when you are the one actually going through it. Life is so tough sometimes. Anyway, I am sorry as this is all about me and not you, but would love to hear how you are getting on and whether you have had any success getting counselling. In meantime, Mumsnet, shouting, screaming and crying in a huge tonic!xxx

[MsJL]

babalou bloody hell, eight announcements to contend with. It's really hard to admit to anyone the conflict of feelings you have when you hear such news. I'm glad you have someone you could just pour it out to who didn't judge you and wanted to help. Good luck with the counseling. I think people must look at me and think I'm coping amazingly well which sometimes I am but at other times I feel completely broken and unhappy and paranoid about my marriage which is all utterly soul destroying.

barmbrack thank you for sharing your tale of sadness and ultimate success. I've had all the various blood-clotting tests (at three different places) and all come back in the normal range. I may take it in future but I know research is so divided on it's benefits. I suppose one of the reasons I was feeling at such a loss was that it's two years since my first m/c and in terms of medical tests there's nothing left to investigate so I simply have to decide whether I am going to put myself back in the running for another pregnancy.

penel it's too lovely of you to think about me when you're having such a shocker of a time. I felt brighter last week after receiving such amazing support from ladies on Mumsnet. So in terms of positive steps I've started back on the vitamins, have found a new yoga class (dru yoga) and am thinking about paying for a private counseling session. I know I should go back to my GP but I feel so let down by them and I'm sick of feeling frustrated, angry and negative. I have all the drugs from Epsom (steroids etc) as they have a much more pro-active approach to pregnancy than St Marys RMC - I know they (Prof Regan's team) would throw their hands up in horror if they knew that I've been given that but I suppose deep down I'm wondering if it's worth putting all those chemical in my body if I simply produce another bad egg. (I know that my last 2 mc's had chromosomal abnormalities). I'm glad you have a house move to look forward to - I always find it makes such a difference if I have a 'project' to focus on. If you don't mind me playing devil's advocate for your hubby I imagine he wanted to give you something nice to discuss and look forward to when he was talking about holidays. I really understand how you must feel that your whole year has changed now. Try and plan for as many nice things as possible to get you through the dark days. It's hard striking the balance between holding on to hope and just giving up. I'm sending much love your way. xx

[Penel]

MsJL so lovely to hear from you and thank you for playing devil's advoate. Just re-read my post and I must sound like most ungrateful cow ever. I have the most incredible loving hubby and know he was being kind thinking of me and us. He has lost his child too and we both need something lovely to focus on. I don't know anything about Prof Regan or treatment available and think I need to educate myself fast as I feel unbelievably ignorant about causes of miscarriage and what we should do next. We don't qualify for special treatment until we have had 3 miscarriages. I think you should trust your instincts and do what feels right for you. Yoga sounds great. One bit of advice a friend gave me who had lost her 6 month old baby was to keep a diary of your feelings. I write in mine about once every few weeks (not every day), but it really does help, especially when I look back on entries on my darkest days and realise I have come a long way. We had a couple of joint counselling sessions and they were excellent too. Counsellor forced us to be brutally honest with ourselves and to talk about our hopes and fears and whether not having a child was an option for us. Do what's right for you and you as a couple. Big hug xxx