fear of death after miscarriage

[fall08baby]

I had a second miscarriage at 12.5 week about a month ago and I finally had a d&c 2 weeks ago after being told I had an incomplete miscarriage.

Since this miscarriage I have an incredibly strong fear of death now. I'm afraid for myself and my son (two years old) especially. I can't control my emotions when the topic of death comes up and have found myself in tears twice at work.

I can rationalize that this is a normal response to loss, but will the fear ease with time? I know that it is human to fear death but I didn't have this strong sense of fear before. Just wondered if anyone else experienced this after miscarriage.

[milkyway2007]

Hi, I am so so sorry for what you have been through. I am going through my 4th miscarriage this week, and I completely understand your feelings.

My fear of death is only for my family, not for myself. I have a 3 year old daughter, and if I cant hear her breathing in her cot, I will push her gently or put my hand under her nose to check she is breathing. I also find myself praying in the middle of the night that my family have a long and healthy life - especially for my Dad. My fear started after my mother died when I was 17, when every night I would go to sleep praying my Dad had a long life and wouldnt ever leave me. It got worse after my first miscarriage, 9 years later.

I think it is natural to feel like this after loss, and especially after a miscarriage, it makes you realise how fragile a life is.
I cant say for sure that the fear will ease with time, because mine has not in 10 years. I really hope you get through this fighting fit - its a horrible thing to go through and my thoughts are with you.

[Coconutfeet]

Sorry to hear about your loss. I had an ERPC last week and for the last couple of nights I've been up and hovering over my son's cot anxiously checking his breathing and worrying about him. I wasn't like this with him before the miscarriage so, like you, I can only imagine that it's a response to the loss.

Your loss was very recent and your emotions will still be very raw. I found with my previous mc that my feelings crept up on me and took over at the most surprising times but it all gradually eased over time.

If you feel overwhelmed by this feeling, or it continues, I wonder if it's worth talking to someone? When I was in hospital, they gave me the details of a bereavement specialist midwife. I would imagine that most hospitals have someone with this responsibility.

I've just realised that this doesn't really answer your question, but I'll post it anyway. I really hope you feel better soon.

[Lou9]

I am so sorry for your loss, and it is completely understandable to have these anxietys, try to stay positive and most of all be kind to yourself, give yourself time xxxx

[fall08baby]

Thank you for your replies. I´m sorry for your losses milkyway2007 and Coconutfeet.

[iloveblue]

Hi
I'm so sorry for your losses.
I had a 20 weeks loss in October and suffered with anxiety for several weeks after.
Anxiety about death and also about illness - I was a complete hypochondriac for a while and still overeact about aches and pains now.
I am feeling much better and more relaxed now - it definitely gets better with time.

As Lou9 says - be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to recover.

[eggybrokenoff]

wow i thought i was being a loon cos i have this too, but sounds like it must be normal. Since ERPC a week ago i have been waking at 3 am each night and either not getting back to sleep for worrying, or falling asleep and having nightmares. Last night it was me dreaming i had a terminal illness, night before it was friends being shot. I too have to constantly check DS breathing, esp at this 3am time, and if dh and ds go out in car together i proper panic til i get a text to say they got there.

[Iggi2011]

I feel really good to read this thread, as not alone (though I feel bad for everyone else!)
Having had 3 mc in a short time, I am convinced that my DS who's 3 will also be taken from me. The rational side of me knows this isn't true, but the emotional side completely believes it!
In the month since my last mc the fear has receded a bit already, so I hope yours does to. If it is very deep-seated then counselling could be the answer, it can really help.

[Coconutfeet]

Actually, I've just been reading the Lesley Regan Miscarriage book and in that she talks about people having irrational fears following a MC, so it seems it is very normal and we're not all going mad!

[fall08baby]

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences. I really thought I was going crazy. Eggybrokenoff I've also had nightmares about death. I don't really want to put them in words but they were awful.
Since posting I've noticed the dreams have stopped and I do feel a bit better this week. Although a colleague passed away this week and I couldn't trust my emotions to talk about it with anyone at work. I had to force myself not to think about it.
Again thanks so much, it really is comforting to know that this is normal and will get better with time.

[ErinH]

similar experience. I lost a baby at 23 weeks in November and was/am still occasionally scared for my two boys. Any illness, pains, unexplained moods etc I keep thinking there's something wrong with them. Depends if I'm having a good or bad day as to whether I can get on with things and rationalise my thoughts or whether I panic and cry. I worry about my own death and leaving my boys behind, or how I'd cope if I lost one of my children whom I've loved so much. I can't really explain the connection I have now to my emotions that I didn't have before.

Be kind to yourself and don't let yourself think that you're going mad. You're on a journey; so don't try and hurry it or panic along the way. I may be one for over-analysing too, but I'd say it's fairly normal. If you accept it as normal, you may be able to take it in your stride.

[LyraBelaqua]

I am going through the same sort of thing. I am 2 months after a MMC and finding I spend a lot of time thinking of how awful it would be if my dd died and how could I ever go on and how scared I am of dying and leaving her. I think about these sorts of things until I cry. I too thought I was mad but from all these responses it seems we are quite normal. Thank you all for making me feel a bit better.

[Tokyotwist]

I didn't realise what I was doing until I read this thread. I've been trying to sort out life insurance and have even discussed who will look after dd if DH and I both die.

I thought it was because of the general anaesthetic last week. I've had it before(3 times) but have never been so scared that I will not come out of it and would not see dd and DH again.

In a way it's good to know that this is normal and a sign of grief.

Now if only I could get some sleep and stop the nightmares.

[CBear6]

I feel so normal now!

I had a mc at six weeks a few years ago after three years of trying and a few weeks afterwards I thought I was fine when really I was just repressing my true feelings. I had a huge anxiety attack and I felt like I could breathe in but couldn't breathe out and I was shaking and freaking out, it was awful. My lips went blue from it and my husband was in the verge of phoning an ambulance when I calmed down. It totally wiped me out though and I felt really flu-ish for about a week afterwards, I was sleeping for up to 18 hours a day, wouldn't eat, and was saying really stupid, horrible things that had no basis in reality. I told my husband that I knew he was planning to leave me for "a breeder" because he didn't want a "barren" wife, I called him names I won't even repeat and drove him to tears at several points during that week (and he never cries). I told him I knew I was secretly dying and that they were all afraid to tell me I had a terminal illness - I don't even know where I got that from but at the time I believed it wholeheartedly. By the end of the week he'd had enough and got our GP involved (which made me accuse him of being in cahoots with the doctor). The GP gave me diazepam which just made me spacey, I still can't watch Wall-E to this day because I saw it for the first time while spaced out on diazepam feeling wretched and heartbroken but too medicated to cry. I stopped taking them and went to the charity MIND instead for counselling which helped more than anything.

Last year I had a missed mc at fourteen weeks and found it incredibly traumatic, especially the medical management of it. The patient information leaflet really doesn't reflect the reality on that one. It was hard too because I thought I was safe with bring past 12 weeks. As I recovered from the mc I started to get paranoid that it had happened because something was wrong with me. I was tired a lot, nauseous and with little appetite, I had a cold sore and a couple of mouth ulcers, I felt listless, I was hot one minute and freezing the next, all signs of being run down and emotionally drained except I didn't see that and decided these were all signs that I had leukemia (sp?). That was why I lost my baby, because the leukemia had crossed the placenta, I hadn't failed her because it wasn't my fault, I had a terrible illness and that was to blame. I didn't talk to anyone about it and I stewed on it for weeks, which made my anxiety/stress related niggles worse which just reinforced my paranoia that my leukaemia symptoms were worsening. I went to my GP and aske him for every blood test they could do. Bless him, he didn't question it. I think he knew from the last time how I was because he asked if I needed to tell him anything, then he did the blood tests. They all came back normal a few days later and I sat on our bed and cried for what felt like hours. After that I was able to start talking about how I was feeling and I was able to accept that it wasn't my fault, that I wasn't dying, and that it was just going to take time.

I'm so sorry for your loss, it really does just take time. It never goes away entirely, your little one will always be your baby, but it does get easier. Speak to your GP and see what services they can offer. I would also highly recommend the services offered by MIND. They have many forms of therapy available but I found that just sitting in a room with the counsellor and off-loading everything on my mind helped, he would then pick out things that he felt needed further discussion and would ask me leading questions to help me get to the root of my feelings. I cried a lot in the first few sessions but by the end of my course I felt so much better, not just about what happened but about everythig else too.