Friend's early MC at 7wks - how to help?

[tiokiko]

Just wondering if anyone has any advice or suggestions for me - a good friend told me she was 7wks PG with her 2nd DC earlier this week but then started to have some pain and bleeding, and has called just now to say it's an early MC. (we both have DDs who are just 2)

Am so sad for her - any advice on how to approach it? I want her to know I'm there for her and thinking about her but don't know if I should send flowers etc.

Sorry if this isn't the right place to post but I thought maybe I should ask people who have been through it personally.

[hairyfairylights]

Just make sure she knows you are there for her if she needs you.

Sending flowers seems like a very nice thing to do - and maybe if you don't hear from her after a week or so, send a quick text or give her a bell to say 'how's it going?'

But if you do get in touch, let her lead on how much she talks about it - some people like to talk a lot, others don't.

Try not to falesly re-assure her. Lots of people have said to me 'third time lucky' (I've had two early MC) - and it doesn't help, I feel like punching them in the nose and saying 'how the f*ck would you know that". I know they are just trying to help.

[tiokiko]

What a daft thing to say - but yes, I guess people don't know what to say or how to react and try to be cheery.

Thanks for the ideas anyway, I think she feels that as it was early days she shouldn't have got her hopes up and should be able to 'get over it' quickly but however early it was, it was still very real to her and her DH and that will take time I guess.

[hairyfairylights]

I think helping her to realise that there is no 'should' or 'should not'. Of course it's only natural to get ones hopes up, and there is no such thing as 'early days' either. From the moment I knew I was pregnant, all my hopes and dreams for my baby to be were very real, so it really is devastating to lose that.

And her guilt should absolutely not figure - it does not help anyone or anything.

She definitely needs to know it's ok to take time to 'get over it'. It took me two weeks to feel anything like remotely sane again!

[tiokiko]

I bet. Really sorry you had to go through it too and thanks v much for your help.

Will give her a call Sun/Mon and see how she's doing so she knows I'm around when she's ready.

[hairyfairylights]

Thanks. I'm feeling much better now.

You sound like a lovely friend to have and I'm really sure she will find great comfort in you.

I do hope she feels better soon.

[iggi999]

Just thinking about the early days thing - 7 weeks is about 3 weeks (possibly more) of knowing, (never mind however many months of trying) and subtracting 8 hours of sleeping time each day still leaves about 20,000 minutes during which you will have thought about the baby you hope to have for, how long? For me that would be about 10000 thoughts!
I think getting your hopes up is unavoidable, especially if you have never experienced mc before. Glad that your friend has a good friend on her side, it will help.

[tiokiko]

Iggi that's so true - I remember thinking when PG with DD that it seemed like all day every day my head was just full of baby thoughts, and that was the case from day one.

I totally agree - I think she feels like she 'shouldn't' be feeling that way but it clearly doesn't work like that.

Thanks for your advice.

[daimbardiva]

Just give her a big hug and be there for her - that's the best thing you can do. I mc'd at 7 weeks just over a month ago, and this was really what I needed. No platitudes, or reassurances, just a friend who really cared (which sounds exactly what you are :))