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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Our baby's heart has stopped at 20 weeks

27 replies

ClareZee · 02/11/2010 21:20

Hi all,

After a roller coaster two months which started when we had a nuchal measurement of 6.7mm at our 12-week scan, we found out today that our little girl's heart had stopped beating at just over 20 weeks. We had been prepared for the worst after a pretty awful scan last week, where the baby had developed severe hydrops and the heart was already struggling.

We're obviously devastated, we tried to never give up hope although the odds were stacked against us after last week and in many ways were against us from the time of the extremely high nuchal. However, our CVS had come back clear of any chromosomal abnormalities and at 16 week scan all looked like it would be ok. They still haven't found any obvious major structural abnormalities.

There is some comfort in knowing that she is not suffering now - she put up a real fight. In a way, it seems fairer to loose her now rather than prolong the agony or have to make a difficult decision in a few weeks time.

The midwives who've looked after us have been lovely and one in particular a real angel. Got to go to hospital tomorrow to start the process of delivery. We're undecided as to whether or not to see the baby - we're both frightened of what we might see and have no idea what to expect but on the other hand don't want to regret this later. I don't know if anybody else can offer any advice on this?

Hopefully we will be able to get some answers in the weeks to come as to why this happened.

X

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Awitch · 02/11/2010 21:21

oh love, i am so sorry. what a trouper she was. what are you calling her?

my sincerest condolences, of course.

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StayFrosty · 02/11/2010 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucykate · 02/11/2010 21:24

so sorry for your loss. my brother and sil lost a baby at 31 weeks, and although it was distressing at the time, they are very grateful of the time they had with her after the birth. they dressed her, held her, took photographs. even though she's not here now, she is still a little part of their family.

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NotShortImFunSized · 02/11/2010 21:31

Oh Clare I'm so sorry for you and your partner Sad

It is an awful thing to have to go through.

I had my dd at 20wks too, 10yrs ago now.

I did see her and it helped a lot. I also had her hand and footprints taken and some photos of her that I still look at.

It is totally your choice but I was scared as well, not knowing what she would look like. Dd had hydrops and apart from looking a little puffy with very dark skin, she looked like a tiny perfect baby just in miniature.

My heart truly goes out to you.

I hope it all goes as well as it can.

Please feel free to message me if you would like to talk or know anything specific x

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KTDace · 02/11/2010 21:35

I am so sorry that this has happened to you and your daughter. xxx

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iloveblue · 02/11/2010 22:07

Hi Clarezee

So sorry to hear your sad sad news.

We also lost our baby at 20 weeks almost two weeks ago - different circumstances.
I started a thread here where lots of other people shared their stories.

We decided not to see our baby - it was how we felt at the time. We found out our baby had no heartbeat at 10am in morning and I delivered the baby at 3.30pm, so was all very quick and we didn't really have much chance to think about it.

In the first few days after the birth, I regretted not seeing the baby - I felt guily and disloyal. It really is a rollercoaster of emotions. But now i feel okay with that decision as it was right at the time and I have the baby's hand/foot prints. We will never forget our lost baby and not having seen the baby does not change that. They did take photos too which will be in my notes if I ever change my mind.

Just do what feels right - from what I've heard and read since, the baby will look just like any other baby, just very tiny.
The handprints of our baby are the size of my thumbnail - which gives you some idea of how small they are.

Now, almost two weeks on it is getting easier - talking and hearing about other people's experiences has helped greatly.

Lots of love for tomorrow - it will be tough but you will get through it. Hope you have lots of support in real-life.
Thinking of you x

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NonnoMum · 02/11/2010 22:12

So sorry for your loss. Look after each other. Thinking of you. x

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ClaireDeLoon · 02/11/2010 22:13

I'm so very sorry Clare and also iloveblue, so recent for you too. My thoughts are with you both.

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ClareZee · 02/11/2010 22:14

Thank you for all your messages, since all this began at 12 weeks these messageboards have been a constant source of support and have made us see we're not alone in all this.

X

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LoopyLoops · 02/11/2010 22:16

So sorry to hear your news. :(

I lost one of my twin daughters at 32 weeks last year. I felt pressurised into seeing her, I really didn't want to. DH held her and the midwife thought that I should but I refused. I am glad that I saw her, but also glad that I didn't hold her. People suggested having a photo taken of her with her twin sister, but I didn't want this and it wasn't possible anyway, as DTD2 was in NICU. They took photos and hand and footprints, and put them in a lovely box that another mother who had lost a baby had made. I still haven't looked at these, 16 months on, but I'm glad I have them, as I might one day have the courage to look, also DTD2 might like to see when she's older.

Take time to come to a decision about these things, try not to succumb to any pressure, but also think about your partner's feelings.

Take care, thinking of you. :)

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spilttheteaagain · 02/11/2010 22:43

ClareZee I am so so sorry you have lost your little girl Sad

I lost my baby just over 3 weeks ago, the 20 week scan showed no heartbeat. Like you will I gave birth to my baby. We chose to see our baby and in the end spent about 6 hours holding, photographing, talking to and spending time with our baby. I don't regret any of it. For me, it was helpful. It helped me take in what had actually happened (I was in so much shock after the scan it was like being in a fog or a bad dream, it all felt unreal). It helped us to grieve for our baby as a real, unique baby rather than an idea or a dream. Seeing our baby gave us a focus for the grief and a baby to remember visually.

Things you might want to consider -
The hospital should offer to take hand and foot prints of your baby, if not do ask if you want them done.
You might want to take photos of your baby, photos of you/your DH with the baby.
You might appreciate seeing the chaplain or having someone of your choice to say a blessing for your baby. We did this and it was nice to mark the birth and acknowledge our child.
You might want the midwives to weigh and measure your baby.

If you aren't sure about seeing your baby, remember it's normal to be frightened about it and don't be hurried over your choice. Maybe ask the MW to describe your baby to you first? I asked them to wrap my baby so that only the face showed first and then I could look bit by bit rather than being overwhelmed.

The day before my delivery I asked MN exactly the same questions about seeing the baby here and lots of people shared their experiences. Not everyone saw their babies. Most did and were glad to have done so. Some didn't and regretted it (often they were frightened/rushed/badly cared for) and others are comfortable with not seeing. See how you feel. Remember if you say no initially you can change your mind later on, don't go home until you are sure you've made the right choice.

Thinking of you. If you have more questions then keep asking them, sadly so many of us will know the answers.

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ClareZee · 02/11/2010 23:20

Thanks spilttheteaagain, had a look at your thread and although it didn't make easy reading at times, I'm the kind of person who needs to have as much information as possible so it helped to have more of an idea what to expect. Thankfully one of the midwives we've been speaking to for the last few weeks has been incredibly kind and has given us a good idea what to expect and what I should bring (things like maternity/breast pads etc). We're both frightened but in a way I think it's worse for DH as all the physical stuff will happen to me.

I imagine it's all still very raw for you too but hope you are starting to heal a little from the pain of your loss or at least have some brighter hours.

XXX

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Greythorne · 02/11/2010 23:23

Clarezee

No advice, just to say I read your post and felt so deeply sad for you and your little family.

Wishing you the least worst way forward, IYKWIM. Best of luck at the hospital tomorrow. And going forward.

Take good care.

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Rosebud05 · 02/11/2010 23:35

Hi Clare,

How terribly sad for you - so sorry to read this thread.

I delivered our first daughter at 22 weeks - my hospital did the things that splittheteaagain outlined which helped acknowledge her existence.

I did see, hold etc our baby which was the right decision for me, but only you will know what's right for you.

Hope that your labour goes smoothly. Have you decided on a name?

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blinks · 02/11/2010 23:39

i'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

i've never been through this myself but wanted to add my voice to the support you're receiving... i hope MN continues to be of help to you. will think of you tomorrow. x

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ClareZee · 02/11/2010 23:44

Hi,

No we haven't decided on a name yet. We will go and buy a nice blanket and tiny toy tomorrow and from speaking to midwife it sounds as if we will get all the little things they can do to acknowledge her existence.

x

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littlewish · 03/11/2010 09:21

So sorry you are experiencing this sad news. I lost my baby in July, no heartbeat was picked up at the 20 weeks scan.

I had no idea of what to expect either and unfortunately received no hand prints or photos of my little one, I wish I had found MN sooner, I only came across this site while trying to find reasons for what happened several weeks on.

I chose not to see our baby as I was unsure and scared of what I might see, again no kind words of reassurance were given. I do reget this and not holding our little one.

I will be thinking of you today. Like many of us here I truly feel your pain. x

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NotShortImFunSized · 03/11/2010 09:28

Thinking of you today ClareZee x x

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spilttheteaagain · 03/11/2010 10:19

My thoughts and prayers are with you today Clare. If you are still at home I just wanted to share some things from my experience in case they help.

I know the prospect of having to deliver your baby in these circumstances is very frightening, but actually I found it turned out to be very much the right thing emotionally. It gave an opportunity to "work it through" and helped me understand my loss. Giving birth made my baby "real" to me, and it made me realise I am a mother now. It was the last thing that I could do for my baby.

My delivery was only 3 weeks ago, but I already can remember it fondly (weird as that may sound). Obviously the loss is terrible and the grief continues to hurt like hell, but that day of birth was about more than loss and grief. It was the one day of my entire life that I got to see and hold my precious little baby and I will always remember it lovingly.

The scan I remember with shock and panic and go hot and cold and sick thinking about it, but the birth I don't remember like that at all. There was nothing shocking about it, we knew already what the outcome was. Everything that happened was manageable. The only reason I had pain relief during labour was because I thought the pain would get worse than it did, but with hindsight I would have been fine without. Physically the delivery itself was very quick and completely painless as the baby was so small.

Induced labours are by no means all really slow and complicated (as I thought, and hence feared). I was induced at 11am and delivered by 2.20pm, having only contracted for about 1 hour. I hope this gives you some confidence that you will be ok.

Treasure any time you choose to spend with your baby.

Wishing you all the very best, I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible xx

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spilttheteaagain · 04/11/2010 12:41

Still thinking of you x

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dinosaur · 04/11/2010 12:43

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

LouMacca · 04/11/2010 14:37

I am so sorry for your loss Clare. Thinking of you x

spilt I think you are truly amazing and extremely brave showing such support for Clare after your own recent, heartbreaking loss. Wishing you all the best and gentle times ahead x

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ClareZee · 04/11/2010 15:12

Thanks to everyone for all your messages, especially spiltthetea - I've sent you a PM.

I had the first tablet to start things yesterday and go back to hospital first thing in the morning. We feel as well prepared as we can do at the moment and that's thanks to both people here and the two lovely midwives who've been looking after us.

X

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littlewish · 04/11/2010 18:41

Thinking of you x

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CarGirl · 04/11/2010 18:48

So sorry to hear about your loss please ask them to take lots and lots of photos I know this is a regret of friends of mine, at the time they felt it was disrepectful but in hindsight they wish they had more photos - the only one the midwives took wasn't very good.

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