Infertilty for 3.5 years. Then got pregnant - all our hopes and dreams wrapped up in that one little pink line... lost it as quickly as it had come.
Got pregnant again 3 months later... missed miscarriage at 7.5 weeks... it died at 5 weeks - finally got the MMC confirmed at about 9 weeks (hospital had wanted to make sure).
I've piled on the weight I'd lost to concieve over the time in limbo over the MMC - so have that battle to fight again. I don't know if I can do this. Begged the GP for some help the other day - can't sleep, am borderline agoraphobic to avoid babies and pregnant mums... sister in law is pregnant and due just before due date number 2... due date number 1 is looming and will overshadow Xmas... SIL due about 2 weeks before I would have been due with the second loss - and OH's family are very close so it'll be inescapable.
So angry, so jealous, so much rage. Not sleeping, not functioning - GP won't help because I'm still trying to concieve (have to lose more so the recurrent miscarriage bods can watch us lose them and work out what's going on). I don't think I have the strength to keep going in life, don't have the strength to give up and be childless (too much rage and anger)... want to throw myself off the bridge over the M1 I drive along most days. Am at utter breaking point - was a baby on the bus today going to collect my car from the garage and I sat there with tears rolling down my face. Haven't even had a period since the D+C so can't move forward from that... drink wine to try to get to sleep, try to hide myself in video games... they ripped my heart and soul from me when they took my dead babies.
What can I do? GP won't help with the depression unless I have a coil fitted - feel I'm being punished for miscarrying and keeping trying rather than accepting my fate. No alternative GPs - not an option at all. Perhaps if I did end it all they'd understand just how much I've cried out for help - but I don't think he'd even feel guilty then.
I can't cope anymore - I'm strong, we're strong, what we've had this year would have destroyed many relationships - but I'm living to keep on trying and just for the sake of other people. I don't think that's a good reason really - but my life is empty.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
I don't think I'm strong enough to do this anymore
26 replies
emptyshell · 29/10/2010 22:59
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