Fed up and getting angry

[gemdrop84]

Just had my first mc over last weekend, my dp has been so great but now he's starting to annoy me. Got a lot of support from family and everyone is giving me lots of hugs etc. He on the other hand just seems to keep repeating 'it just wasnt meant to be' &thats it. I thought he might be a bit more upset than he appears to be, he was so excited about being a dad again. We went to see my uncle today who has just had a baby, it was hard but Im so close to my uncle that I was sooooo happy for him. My dp asked me how I felt after we left wtf?! I said it was upsetting but I suppose Ill feel like this for a while. He said 'well we can try again as soon as your feeling right'. How can he say this to me when Im still having 'stuff' falling out of me (sorry tmi). Feel fine until I go to the toilet and look at my san pad and it hits me all over again. Feel like it will never end and I cant believe how 'cool' he seems to be over this. Sorry its long, just needed to get this off my chest.

[banana87]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

Men seem to handle miscarriage differently, more matter-of-factly than we do. My DH was the same, saying things like 'there was something wrong, this happens to 25% of women' as if that would make me feel better.

I just dont think they know what to say. It may be worth explaining to your dp how you feel and the way his words and actions make you feel.

Hope you start feeling better soon.

[welshmummy2B]

just something that might help you a lil....

on fiding out i was pregnant the first time my bf was over the moon, wouldn let me move a finger if he could do it for me, sobbed like a child when we found out i lost the baby (lasted a few days) and showed no emotion since.

my second pregnancy was stressfull with us both being constantly worried about miscarying again, and then i miscarried this time we both reacted differently, wouldnt show much emtion around eachother until we both got very drunk and all came out.

he still dont know how to show emotion and ive become more numb to it than anything else, i found having a tattoo to mark my babies helped me greatly, things do become easier once bleeding has stopped and you beging to feel normal again (although first few periods after also trigger the sad thoughts of loss over again).

TIME IS A GREAT HEALER, YOU MAY NOT FEEL IT TODAY BUT TOMORROW YOU WILL BE STRONGER AND IT WILL SEEM EASIER, BEING HONEST HELPS YOU TO DEAL WITH YOUR EMOTIONS...TRY WRITE A JOURNAL SO YOU CAN SEE HOW YOUR EMOTIONS CHANGE DAILY, PLANT A TREE OR DO SOMETHING THAT SIGNIFIES YOUR BABY AND YOUR LOSS (IT HELPS) AND DONT FEEL ASHAMED OF YOUR OWN FEELINGS, WE ARE ALL HUMAN AND THIS IS A VERY HARD TIME NO MATTER HOW WELL WE FEEL WE CAN COPE X X X X X

[nickstermum]

hi, so sorry for your loss. I too am going through my first MC as we speak, since last Tuesday. Its hideous - but on a more positive note, even only a week later it is easier to talk about.

My DH sobbed for the first 24 hours and other than losing the baby, he was devastated as he couldnt 'fix it' or control what was happening... has been quite unemotional since. Maybe your DH is just protecting you by trying to be strong for you? Then again maybe he is protecting himself by being that way so he wont fall apart when he knows he should be being strong for you?

I feel very sad at the minute, devastated in fact, and i say 'it just wasnt meant to be' as thats the only way i can cope with the loss....to me its easier to say that outloud than 'the baby died' which i just cant handle.

They suggest trying again as if its going to make things all right.... perhaps thinking that if you successfully conceived, it would make up for what you have lost.

Dont be afraid to Sob your heart out.... it helps.... i do it regularly!!

I hope you start to feel a bit better soon :)

[loretasim]

Just a quick message:
Grief is related to desire. Desire is the source of grief and happiness, meaning: if you have desires of any kind you will definitely have grief. If your desire is met, you may find joy, and if it isn't, there is grief. If you deny either one, you will limit the other to the same degree. If you deny your grief, you limit your joy; if you deny your joy, you limit your grief...
There are 5 stages: denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, and acceptance. It all has no particular order, except that denial is almost always first. A little bit of understanding where other person is coming from will help to stay in a relationship after your loss.

[BackOnceAgain]

Feel for you gemdrop84, nickstermum and everyone who's been through it. I had a MMC discovered exactly a week ago at 16w, and I've had similar reactions from dh. His initial reaction was more emotional than mine as I think I went into shock but since that first scan he's been able to process it better and admitted that its harder to feel a connection when something isn't attached to you. I do feel for the men in this situation but they don't seem to help themselves most of the time Maybe they keep suggesting trying again as it was the only bit they were in control of? Just a thought....


Keep talking and telling him how you're feeling til he gets it, I had a massive breakdown yesterday when dh asked me what we were having for tea, "I don't f@£king care!!!!" was my answer. It was only then he realised I wasn't ok!

Everyone says its still early days, and lets not forget that.