Please help me to use the right words for my friend (stillborn baby at 29 wks)

[sedgiebaby]

My friend from work, we were pregnant together sharing all the worries and excitement. I'm about a month ahead with my pregnancy. Then at 20 weeks, some problems were identified with baby, then this week no heartbeat was found and she went into hospital a couple of days later to deliver the baby.

I'm heartbroken for her. She is not taking phone calls but I want to write her a card with meaningful, caring, supportive sentiments if you have any thoughts please advise.

[antoinettechigur]

Hi Sedgie,

that is so sad. No doubt some of the ladies who have been through this will be along later with detailed words of advice.

When my friend delivered her little dc stilllborn she didn't like condolence cards. I sent a card with flowers on and wrote a bit about how special her dc was and how lovely our memories of the baby's time would be - she later said this was meaningful to her.

The SANDS website is very good for friends and family. You might be able to get advice about the difficult situation re your pregnancy.

[Dawnybabe]

Why don't you say what you've put here? That you want to say something supportive but can't find the words and understand if she doesn't want to see you right now but that you're still her friend and you'll always be there for her?

Crumbs, I don't envy you. What an awful thing to happen. But you can't help being pregnant and if you're such good friends I'm sure she'll still be there.

Good luck. X

[wonderif]

hello there i have just went through this was 17 &5 days delivered baby yesterday, people have gave me flowers and just said i am in their thoughts, there is nothing that can be said really i feel numb and am sure your friend is the same.

i would say i am here when you want to talk and if there is anything i can do i am here, it would prob be hard for her to see you as your pregnant.

[yousaidit]

Hi sedgiebaby, my friend had a very similar experince about 3 month ago with first pg, she and her dh were truly gutted, as all people in this circumstance would be..

my friend has been able to talk a bit more recently and while thanking everyone for all the support, effort time and gestures, absolutely nothing anyone said or did could be of any help, ultimately, because the magic words we all want to use to make things better don't exist

my friend did say that what people didn't understand was that she wanted to talk to her dh mostly as he had been through the pg and delivery and all the things fater (funeral etc) so he was the one who could truly sympathise with her and relate to her.

It's prob best to acknowledge that you're lost for words but make a genuine offer of any sort of help that you can, and acknowledge them as parents and what fab parents that have been / are and how their baby would hhave known through their tummy time with mum (and dad being near by) how much they were loved and were kept safe and cherished...

[sedgiebaby]

Hi wonderif, my heart goes out to you too. Thank you for posting, especially with what you are going through right now. I will take on board your comments, I don't want to be insensitive with my being pregnant. Both of us also expecting little girls, it makes it all the more sad and difficult.

yousaidit, thank you for the point about acknowledging her being a good parent, she has other children so I can certainly refer to that and the time she enjoyed with her little one... that is really helpful thank you.

[wonderif]

sedgiebaby sorry i didnt mean it to sound like that about you being pregnant i just mean anyone even for me seeing someone with a bump made it hard.

just take the lead from here she will talk when she is ready all you can do is be there for her.
xx

[sedgiebaby]

wonderif, don't worry I understood your comment and what you meant. I realise the difficulty for her. I just had a text from her re baby name, weight, what happened :'(

Thinking about one of the other comments would it be a bad idea for me to send her a pretty but plain white memory box for her to put keepsakes in, I've just seen one online...or should I leave such a thing to her to think of/do?

[Kazmog]

Hi Sedgiebaby, I had a stillborn baby boy a few months ago in late pregnancy and a friend at work was also pregnant (a couple of weeks further on from me). I appreciated her kind words and whilst at home she sent me a card but now is a confusing a difficult time for her and she will appreciate the gesture but it will be later on that she might need more support.

I agree with yousaidit - I drew alot from my dh in the early days. I was really worried that my friend would feel weird around me, which soon passed. I know that this will sound odd but I did visually 'benchmark' myself against my friend and that was difficult as she got bigger and eventually went on maternity leave. There is really nothing you can do about that though.

It is a really horrid time for her and her DH but it does get easier.

good luck k

[itsatiggerday]

Hi, it may be very individual, but just to say that a friend of mine whose baby died at term found it very difficult when people referred to her 'losing' her son. She always wanted to say he wasn't lost, she knew exactly where he was. She knew people were just trying to be kind but found that particular phrase hard, even though everyone was trying to find a softer way of saying that he'd died.

And she did find other pregnant people at a similar stage extraordinarily difficult, while recognising there was nothing they could do about it. But she really appreciated the ones who didn't become so absorbed by their babies that they were unable to think/talk about anything else after they were born and could still chat to her about other stuff were easier to get back into friendship with afterwards. Of course having a baby is pretty absorbing, but just making an effort to discuss other things with her had a huge impact.

Hope they are getting some good support for the next few months.