miscarrying for 2nd time just need some handholding

[mamadoc]

I started to miscarry for 2nd time last night. Should have been 9+2.
I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks on New Years eve. (I also have one DD age 3)
I was really trying not to hope with this one but in my heart of hearts I thought I couldn't be so unlucky twice.
On Monday I noticed I didn't feel sick and my breasts weren't tender but I told myself I was just paranoid. Then last night the bleeding started. Today there is lots of red blood, clots and cramps. I know it is all over. The GP offered me a scan but I can't see the point so I'm just trying to get through it on neurofen and chocolate.
It is so cruel. I had just passed the time of my last miscarriage and allowed myself some hope.
My sister who I love dearly is pregnant and due the same month I would have been.
My SIL is due to visit this w/e and she is currently 28 weeks with her 1st.
Two good friends announced their pregnancies this week.
I just don't know how I can bear it. Any words of comfort greatly appreciated.

[mumatron]

mamadoc very sorry you are going through this again.

don't have any wise words for you but just wanted you to know you can hold my hand if you like.

i've had 4 mc myself.

hope it isn't too bad for you physically.

do you have support in rl?

[lulu1414]

Oh, mamadoc, I am SO sorry. We are very much in the same boat and it is rubbish. I miscarried last month for the second time in a row (first 6 + weeks and second 10 weeks). I know what you mean- I also thought couldn't be so unlucky (actually my 3rd miscarriage in all). I am also in the same boat that many close friends are newly pregnant.

Not much words of comfort other than we are lucky to have our DDs (mine is 2)- they feel even more precious now. And that perhaps (fingers crossed) there is some good luck coming your way.

Good luck with the next few days- I also decided to do it naturally and felt it helped with the grief.

Sending you big hugs.

[Freezingmyarseoff]

So sorry for you. It's so horrible I know, as I've also had 2 mc in a row. I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I can understand that you don't want a scan but please make sure you're checked out by EPU, in case you have lost a lot of blood. They can give you stronger painkillers too if you need it.

I'm not sure if there are really any words that can make it better right now but I'm thinking of you. Do you have a DP or friends or family that can be with you now?
Please look after yourself.

[mamadoc]

My mum has been up today but she had to go home as she lives away and cares for my elderly grandma.
I have told my sister who is normally my biggest support but obviously that is all a bit difficult at the moment.
DH has gone out tonight (I did say he could it was an important work thing). He is trying to be supportive but bless him he doesn't know what to say or do.
I feel oddly distant from him and I don't know why. I think its just that he can't understand the physical stuff how bad it is. eg he asked me if I could fetch DD from the CM today as I am at home and I had to explain I can't leave the house as the bleeding is so bad (not much pain oddly though)

[Baileysismyfriend]

Im so sorry for your loss. I have experienced two mcs also and I remember feeling incredibly unlucky.

Take it easy for the next week or so.

[mamadoc]

Thanks so much for your posts.
I feel a real need of female company (I so wished my mum could stay though I know she can't) and to talk to people who get it.

[TwinkleToes76]

Hi Mamadoc. I'll hold your hand too! I'm really sorry you're going through this again. Hope you're getting lots of TLC.

I'm in the same position as you - miscarried last week at just over 8 weeks and also at the beginning of Jan. I also have a (nearly) 3 year old daughter. I have a very good friend who is due the same month as I would have been and a fastly approaching would-be due date from my first miscarriage. Life sucks right now but I'm thinking it must just bad luck and it has got to be third time lucky (for both of us), right?

Hope the next couple of days aren't too terrible for you.

[stressheaderic]

So sorry, OP. It is utterly shit how life can treat us so unfairly sometimes.
It has happened to me just the once, and it was earlier on than you, but I recall how low I felt, a real hormonal low that I just couldn't snap out of.

Just take time to do nice simple things indoors with your lovely DD, snuggle up with her and watch a DVD at home for example, and then when she's in bed - do whatever you need to, whether thats going for a walk, watching something funny on tv, sitting in a dark quiet room, reading inane magazines, anything that will help you get through the next few days while it's so raw.

[mamadoc]

Yeah life sort of double sucks because I was so desperate to be pregnant on the 1st due date and I was ... and now I'm not.

DD is being very sweet. She knows I'm ill and she keeps trying to kiss it better or ask if calpol will fix it. It is a great consolation but its hard to put a cheery face on and do tea and bedtime when you just want to be alone and sob.

I really wanted her to have a sibling partly because I'm so close to my dsis but its been 18mo now since we started ttc no 2 and I'm worried that even if we ever do have another baby she'll be too old to enjoy it. I just never thought there would be any problem. Feels so naive to think that way now.

[jocesar]

It is absolutely unfair and horrible and I really think that only people that have experienced miscarriage themselves can really help you with the coping- that's why mumsnet is invaluable to many people.

Unfortunately I am nearly in the same situation as you. Have a DS 2yo, miscarried at 8 wks over New Year and am now 9 +3 but was told at my scan yesterday that things were not looking too hopeful.

It's just massively frustrating that we can do nothing about it and usually it is just sheer bad luck. I really would love another child and I will keep trying but I'm envisaging a pretty stressful time. God, DS1 was so easy- never had a single thought of mc all through the pregnancy. Now I'm a nervous wreck and obsessive knicker checker.

I hope all the ladies on this thread have a healthy baby soon and feel free to vent OP,everyone here understands and cares about what you are going through.

[reallygrumpy]

mamadoc I'm so sorry for your loss, I had a mmc a few weeks ago and am still very up and down. I know what you feel about the age gap too, my dd is 2 1/2 and the age gap would have been just over 3 years but I do have a friend who really struggled to get pregnant with her 2nd and has a 6 yr age gap and it's worked brilliantly for them. The older dd is great with the little one and there's been no rivalry or bad behaviour. I hope that you'll have a happy healthy pregnancy in the future but right now do take care of yourself. I had a movie afternoon with dd just after my erpc (she doesn't get to watch much tv so it was a massive treat), we made popcorn then snuggled on the sofa and watched DVDs which was really nice. Take care of yourself

[mamadoc]

Really, really hope its not bad news for you jocesar.

I'm just trying to get through the physical part right now but there's all these other problems crowding in the back of my mind

Should I tell SIL not to come this w/e? Make up an excuse?
I hate lying but we're not close I don't think I could tell her the truth and I don't want to spoil things for her.

How on earth will I ever cope with my dsis pregnancy. We are so close but I can't see how our relationship won't be affected. Her pregnancy was unplanned I've been trying for over a year. I hate myself for being jealous.

This was supposed to be my last week at work before going to a new job on Weds. I think my colleagues will have organised some kind of leaving thing and I feel crap about just leaving without saying goodbye but there's no way I could physically go let alone emotionally. I haven't told them anything about this pregnancy or the miscarriage before. Should I come clean now to justify myself or just leave on this bad note?

[reallygrumpy]

What a lot to think about mamadoc! Why don't you just be utterly selfish and think about what's best for you right now so put your sil off (tell her your ill - or get your dh to do it). As for work, what about saying you're ill and can't come in but will come back and see everyone in a few weeks. As for your sis, you could just be honest with her about how you feel, I'm sure she'll be worried about how this will affect your relationship too.

I don't know if it's relevant or helpful, but I told my manager I'd had a mc and he's been great and v kind, I've also been v open with friends and the support and kindness I've received has made a big difference.

[upturnj]

mamadoc I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I've been there myself 3 times and like you were thinking about others before myself. If I can offer you any piece of advice then I would say that you must put yourself first so you can deal with your emotions freely and not have to feel like you're bottling them up if you have visitors this weekend. Re. scan. When you feel ready you should take your docs advice and have a scan, if only to get confirmation one way or the other.

This site has been a saving grace for my recovery after M/C's and I hope it is for you too.

I'm thinking of you.

[mamadoc]

I think I will tell DH to make excuses for this w/e. I can't just pretend all is well.
I also think I might tell the truth to my colleagues so they know it was a genuine reason.
Off to bed now wadded up with maternity pads.
I'm sad there are so many people in a similar situation but it stops me feeling like such a freak. IRL I know quite a few people who've had one MC but not two in a row. Thanks to all who posted for sharing your experiences it really does help.

[Goodluckbear]

Hi mamadoc,

Just wanted to say I'll hold your hand too, it is so unfair I'm so sorry

Definitely get your DH to make an excuse for this weekend, you need to focus on you right now.

I told my boss and she told her boss (with my permission) when I mc at the start of the year, they were incredibly supportive - my boss' boss is a very bloke-ish guy, and although he didn't say anything directly to me he would send sweet little emails to let me know I could go home if I wanted to or whatever. He also told me that his wife had two miscarriages in a row after their first DC, they then went on to have two more DCs - it helped me too to know I was not alone.

And it's ok to feel jealous of your Dsis, my best mate is due the week I would've been, I had to not see her for a couple of months after the mc because it was too hard. I think it's a normal feeling.

Big hugs for you.

[LadyBee]

Hi mamadoc, I'm really sorry to see you're going through this. It's happened to me too, trying to conceive our second child I MC in April and have just MC again last weekend. It is shocking when it happens again in a row, I think part of what makes it so difficult is that getting pregnant after the 1st MC sort helps to heal that one, but it all gets opened up again when it goes wrong. Plus I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo...officially I'm not a recurrent miscarriage lady, but I've had much worse luck than someone who's had one and then got pregnant again.
I think you've made the right decision to be open with colleagues and not to put yourself through the social stuff this weekend. Be gentle to yourself and give yourself time and the understanding that you may recover differently, with different timescales/feelings to your previous miscarriage.

[Brokenbits]

mamadoc just here to tell you how sorry I am and to offer another HTH. It's so utterly shit and unfair isn't it? I find other people's pregnancies the worst bit, particularly since everyone on the planet seems to get pregnant whilst you're struggling and it always seems such a cruel twist of fate that these people tend to be our nearest and dearest. My SIL was desperately insensitive about the fact that her due date was a couple of weeks after mine would have been.

I also fully understand how hard it is to deal with another little one and try to be upbeat for them when you just want to wail in a darkened room somewhere. We have also been TTC no 2 for 18 months now, during which I had a mc which seems to have rendered me infertile, so I fully understand the helplessness and the fear about the ever increasing age gap. FWIW, there are 4 years between me and my sister and she's my best friend.

I would suggest that you stop worrying about everyone else in the world and focus on yourself, your DH and your DD. Tell those you feel you need to tell and don't worry about their reaction. You need support and shouldn't worry about being a burden. You are also fully entitled to your jealousy. I have been green with envy on more than one occasion over the past year and a half and get more and more fed up with every pregnancy announcement. Hugs. You know where we are if you need to rant. Hope the next few days aren't too horrible for you.

[mamadoc]

Thanks for your messages.
I have been mainly wallowing in bed today.
Odd how this MC is quite different to the first. A lot of bleeding yesterday but much less today and hardly any pain just dull aching really. Perhaps it will be over quickly.
My GP called and confused me a bit. Yesterday she said I don't have to have a scan but today she called to say she thought about it and maybe I should but she wasn't too clear why. She is very kind but a bit hazy. I called EPU as she advised and they didn't press me to have one. Just said do a test in 2 weeks and if -ve all is well.
I don't want to drag myself up to the hospital and go through a procedure when I can't think it will achieve anything.
I was quite prepared to accept one was bad luck and I know that statistically two could also be bad luck but it doesn't feel that way. My mum said she would pay if I wanted tests privately and the GP also mentioned she could refer me privately. Not a decision for now but I do wonder if it would help me feel more confident. If we ever do get pregnant again I will just be a complete wreck.

[mumatron]

mamadoc hope you are feeling a bit better, physically at least. if you do decide to go down the testing route, there a few of us on this thread who are either going through tests or have been through and are ttc or pg again.

wrt having a scan, i would do as the epu say, take a test in 2 weeks and see what it says. if still + i would let them scan, then go from there.