Feeling so useless - what's the point?

[WotchOotErAPolis]

I'm 50, crying and feeling useless!

I'm about to start a new job after running a failed business for the previous two years. DH had been out of work for 18 months during that time, so we have lost so much money after the last two years.

We had everything all settled and had a flat which we rented out and was supposed to pay for our pensions. Now we have so much debt, no pension, three DSs to support and I feel totally useless.

After waiting 5 weeks now to start this blasted job [thanks to the stupid Government requirement for CRB check, despite just having had one when I went for second interview - no that CRB check won't do, we have to do another one], I have no confidence in my ability to do it as I can't remember things, don't hear very well, so misunderstand things and even when I do hear things I often just don't 'get it'. Friends think I'm extremely ditsy and whilst it's very funny at the time, it means I have no faith in my ability to do any job. I'm not a good cook / Mum / worker / anything really and I am dreading starting work and finding out I can't do that either.

We have just had a bit of a dabble with some savings on the stock market but have just lost all our investment. DH was in agreement with us having a go but the last 'punt' I did wrongly and paid for it. Just another proverbial stick to beat me with, as if he needs any more. He will remind me of all my errors for the rest of my life, which he frequently does anyway. He's such a control freak. Criticises everything I do so if this job doesn't work out he'll take every opportunity to remind me of how stupid I am.

I just feel like crawling into a hole and never coming out right now. I'm one of those who keeps up a smile on the outside but inside I'm screaming. What can i do next?

[Spero]

Take a deep breath first of all. Where you are now is where you are now, not your final destination - I saw that on Facebook yesterday and quite like it!

Break it down into chunks. You can't sort everything out in one day and you will go crazy if you try.

your husband sounds like a big part of the problem. It sounds as if he doesn't like you very much. That has got to have a massive impact on your self esteem.

Do you have any friends you can go out with just for a chat/coffee? that may help give you a lift.

You have got a new job, which is fantastic. You got through the interview and they've waited all this time for you to get CRB checks, so they think you can do it, don't sabotage yourself before you have even started.

Give yourself a few weeks/months to bed into work and then try to tackle the other areas, like your horrible husband.

Be kind to yourself, if no one else is going to be.

there are lots of wonderful things out there but I know its hard to see when you are upset and despairing. One day at a time is a cliche, but its true.

[WotchOotErAPolis]

Spero - still upset but breathing deeply [or trying!]. Think I really need a night in to just cry it out - sometimes, as we women all know, it can be the best remedy - just get all the frustrations out in one go, have a red wine and curl up with a bar of chocolate. Why do men never get that?

DH can take DS3 out to athletics tonight and I'll stay in with the other 2 DSs and read a book, while they veg in front of Top Gear or their computers!

Been for a long run already but it didn't do the trick this time, but sure a glass of vino and a veg out and I'll be fine in the morning. Will try to keep it in perspective.

I just need to know that there's something out there that I'm actually good at so I can contribute to the family finances, after so many years of not earning anything.

[Spero]

Just remind yourself that someone thinks you can do it - I am sure you were not the only person they interviewed!

I think your plan sounds good for dealing with short term anguish and stress. You can look at other issues when you feel a bit stronger.

[WotchOotErAPolis]

Actually, spoke to DH again last night after having a horrible 'meltdown' - too much wine on an empty stomach. Whilst he didn't give me the hug I really wanted, he did reassure me that he really didn't hold a grudge. The only mistake I made was that last 'quick punt' - you just can't do that with the stock market.

He's actually encouraged me to have another go but only after I've run it in 'demo' mode, when you play with virtual money. Up to the point of that last punt, I'd made quite a bit and we weren't using more money than we could afford to lose, so when we did lose, it's no big deal really [hope that makes sense, but I'd never risk more than we could afford to lose anyway]. My Mum-in-Law had left us quite a bit of money that had been in a share account, so she'd have been pleased we were giving it a go as it's something she always wanted to try, but didn't have the software available when she was still with us.

As for the feeling useless, he said pretty much the same re getting into this job. It's scary for me as I haven't worked 'properly' for nearly 15 years. I will learn to listen better and pay attention once I'm in an area that I do understand. As an older lady, I have so much experience to give what is essentially quite a young company as I have a lot of 'life experience' and my role will involve dealing with vulnerable adults on a daily basis, as well as supporting the social workers from the office. They see me as a bit of an overseer they can hopefully respect and look to for assistance.

I just need to calm down and not panic over stuff that either hasn't happened yet anyway, or put mistakes into perspective. I still need to ensure that DH doesn't keep returning to mistakes when we're having an 'off-day' as it does affect me so much. But then, I can be in control of that via the standard "f@@@ off" response if I can't think of anything sensible to say!!

[Spero]

Glad you seem brighter and your husband seems to be much more supportive than in previous post!

Onwards and upwards.