Mumsnet Talk

Unconditional love, security, time, benign neglect, boundaries, lots of exercise and a sense of humour.

When DD was a baby, up until she went to nursery at 2, i did closer parenting. She was probably away from me for a total of 15hours in 2 years. I breastfed on demand, and basically did everything she needed as soon as she needed.

She was not allowed any sweets/cake/chocolate until 18months. Since she started nursery (age 2) i have started to encourage her to be more independent. I encourage her to play on her own at home, as she is an only and i think its important for her to be able to amuse herself. When she asks for something i normally make her wait until im finished what i am doing (unless its urgent) so that she understands that i will not drop everything the moment she asks for something. If she doesn't ask in a polite manner, i ignore her until she does (she is 4 now btw). I am fairly strict, however very rarely have to go past a warning. Always follow through with any punishments.

She has sweety days on monday and friday, and is not allowed sweets or chocolate on other days, although she would be allowed a pudding with a meal e.g.sponge and custard.

Education-wise, I tend to educate as she asks, and we also have conversations about the world and social situations etc. as they happen or when we are walking around. She is expected to tidy up after herself to a certain degree, and to be able to go for a wee and wash her hands by herself. I still assist with poos.

Sorry if this has turned into an essay! Hope it helps

I don't think I can improve upon what exoticfruits said

Slightly to the right of Attila the Hun.

That said, if you are just using quotes from here in your dissertation, I'm not taking part. The entire arena of Internet research using a forum as a short cut is getting old (and believe me, I've done it in the past!) and 'researchers' aren't even attempting to engage with participants now. There's a place for discourse analysis, but it ain't 'I'll post a question and let mumsnet answer it for me', because that's directing discussion however much you claim otherwise. It's like an online focus group that you've gathered but can't be bothered to direct, but equally can't be bothered to use the site and find your own examples, you want them all in one place to make it easier for you.

Can you post or pm me your research methodology? Or is this the sort of degree where no one particularly cares on that score? Informed consent? Or does 'I'm doing a degree and want to know x' count as informed consent and research for universities these days?

And blah, blah, I know all the legalities around Internet research, but best practice still suggests you let mnhq know you are using their site in such a manner.

<shuffles off to beat the children>

Bah humbug.

Another Benign neglect, no banning of sweets etc. No sweety days or anything like that.

I believe in give them wings and they will fly, so they learnt to be independent quite early on. As teenagers again things like alcohol is all about setting an example ie we only drink occasionally and never over the top, dont smoke or drugs. They seem to have learnt by example and seem to have a sensible attitude to drink etc.

Also another more teenager one is pick your battles and dont get caught up in arguments about trivialities.

Agree 100% with bruffin.
Start on responsibility and independence early on.
Give them roots and give them wings. Parenting is the one job where the aim is to make yourself redundant- and if you have done it well they come back because they love spending time with you.

Never take yourself too seriously - a good enough mother is fine and the 'perfect' mother would be hell to live with!

Benign neglect all the way!

I'm the calm eye of the family storm.

Whatever happens I see myself as the constant thing they can return to, for unconditional love, nose wipes, tea and toast at 2 in the morning. (Probably not to impart valuable constructive advice) but definitely I will always be the one who is on their side.

<Is beginning to think exoticfruits should write a parenting guide>

Thanks!

Very similar to exotic as she knows

Lots of affection. Firm boundaries. Very low tolerance for any rude/anti-social behaviour.

Giving them roots - but equally important, giving them wings.

You need to give children roots to enable them to grow branches.
Or something.
I make sure my kids get plenty of Love and food.
That's it really.
We laugh a lot. Dance. Play. Watch silly tv programmes. Bake cakes. They help around the house and garden which they enjoy (I.e. they waft around with my feather duster and dig holes in the garden!)
They seem happy, sweet, good tempered children (up to now anyway.....)

Be their parent. Don't try and be their best friend and break your back trying to make them always, always like you.

A good parent sometimes has to do things their child won't like them for, precisely because you do love them so much.

Be a safe, reliable, secure adult figure in their life. When they're adults themselves, then you can be friends.

And, always, always, always say what you mean and (FFS) mean what you say. I can't stress how totally vital this is...faffing, prevaricating, changing your mind, usually giving in for a quite life...your children won't know where they stand, and they won't have any respect for you, either.

Say yes whenever you can, but when you say no, mean it!!

I never really had a parenting style, apart from picking my battles and not saying no just for the sake of it.Compromise came in very handy during the teenage years.