What's good is being promoted, how about what's absolutely shit?(198 Posts)
There are loads of threads saying "it's hard being a single parent, but it's sooooo worth it" etc.
I want one that is blunt and honest and pissed off when it needs to be.
Tonight I want to be dressed up with my best "fuck me" outfit on. I want bottles of corona and tequila shots and mad, sweaty, horrible sex when we get in. Instead I am watching house alone. Nothing wrong with house but I just feel sad.
I'd like regular hugs and someone to ask how my day went... And fantastic sex.
hugs and sex too. christ, even humdrum mediocre sex.
someone else to say "hey, why don't we go/do x today?" and organise it.
All of the above and...
This morning for the first time in a millennia, my Ds slept in and I got up, had coffee and read a book by myself. Twas bliss.
I really wanted to go for a walk/run and just zip out the door to do the food shop, but that can never happen.
I'd really like parents whose partners are on a stag do for a weekend to stop going on about 'how easy being a single parent is'
I'd like people to realise I'm happy on my own (bar odd shag) and am not to be pitied. Save that for the couples who are pretending every day of their lives to be happy with the mediocre 'catch' they ended up with.
I'd like not to get a call from CSA every month to say they have finally managed to get payment from ex after his dd bounced. I would rather they didn't bother reminding me what a dick he is. CSA get more out of him in admin charges every time he does it and it is galling how he can somehow afford that but not extra £ for DD. He'd literally rather give it to a stranger and after 5 months doesn't seem to be in any rush to change it.
I'd also like someone else to be as heart-swellingly proud of DD as I am.
I'd like to feel a human touch other than that by a small person. A pat on the back, a peck on the cheek, an arm around the shoulder, a leg against another on the settee, brushing past when you walk by, a scratch on the back, removal of a spliter.... anything to make me feel less isolated. Having said that though, I value it all the more from my children.
I would like to feel like ive got a LIFE you know be able to go out with friends have someone ... anyone to talk to at night. Realy feel like I just drift along if you see what I mean. Go to work look after dd clean put dd to bed an sit on my own for hours every night. And I realy cant see it changing. Anbody else feel like this ?
I think a lot of people in couples feel like they don't have a life too! I'd rather be mum to DD than sat in watching series on TV every evening with no purpose next to someone who I have no desire to have conversation with
I save that for my alone time when she is in bed and I get P&Q!
misstiredbuthappy - totally understand!
It's the lack of spontaneity that most bothers me and not for anything exciting either. A quick drink out becomes having to check various people for babysitting favours, whereas in a couple you can just do it, ditto - popping out for milk, bread, supermarket shop, to do exercise.
And the long boring evenings....!
I don't mind the evenings as I'm generally knackered and by the time I've tidied up, made lunch boxes, cooked and eaten my own dinner and generally got ready for the next day, it's about 8.30 and I'm off to bed by ten!
I'm on a mission to read more at the moment and want to go back to studying and that short evening time is perfect for it.
What I crave more than anything is a few hours on a weekend to just go potter on my own during daylight hours - swim, run, have coffee by myself or whatever, but it never ever happens.
And I'd dearly love a pint after work with friends!
Oh yes to the popping out to the shops. It's a nightmare when you realise the friend who popped over for tea that evening made the cup with the last of the milk and you have none for breakfast, for example. I think couples don't realise that can actually really be an issue
especially with a toddler who is looking to pick a fight in the mornings!
Yes twothousandandfourteen IF(very big if) my mum will babysit it has to be planned out weeks in advance due to mums work commitments. When I say to my friends do you fancy a night out in 3 or 4 weeks ? they look at me like ive lost my marbles. They can just go out whenever dont need to forward plan. I can never be like ooh yeah realy feel like going out tonight !. Selsfish of me realy but we all like a moan lol.
I want someone else to talk to who isn't 2 and only interested in thomas the tank. To be able to plan, worry, figure stuff out with someone.
I also want sex, and a social life, an to be able to nip out the house without it being a military operation involving favours and forward planning.
The thread on why being a single parent rocks is pissing me off at the moment, it takes every inch of my willpower not to write that it doesn't rock, that it's fucking shit at times and that whilst I'm doing the best I can, it would be infinitely easier with 2 people who gave a damn.
Tonight I have given up and am in bed already having a cry to myself.
Single parenting is hard. I am tired.
Someone to talk to.
To be able to just go out if I wanted to not that anybody asks anymore.
To not be the person that tells him off all the time because there's less chance if him being able to do stuff
Time properly on my own
Currently being a single parent sucks ds has a language delay and being assessed for his quirks I'm trying to manage appointments along with groups and courses and day to day stuff and work and ds + quirks = just about surviving
Being worried about finances. Everything is ok at the moment and work have been great, but it is a fine line and it would not take much to sink our little ship :s
A bit of support and someone to make me a cup of tea every now and then - not too much to ask is it?
I want to have a lie in.....just one great big dirty lie in until 2pm.....
That is all....
Smo I'd settle for a lie-in until 8am at the moment
I agree silly milly. That thread makes me cross too.
Single parents get pulverised by our shitty government and the utter failure of the csa to enforce jack shit. Wish there a campaign to help or change or pressurise the main parties and the law instead of trite bollocks about how wonderful we all must be in such adversity... Yada yada.
Apologies for negativity but I am so sick of nothing being done to improve ours and our families' quality of life, except for what we fight tooth and nail for ourselves.
On the whole I love being a single parent having left an emotionally abusive ex.
I rarely go out, never have really so what I find difficult is the guilt, the anxiety and the never ending financial struggle.
I've just increased my hours at work, ds has taken to waking up at 5am since clocks changed so this weekend I've been tired and we've not done a thing really.
Now ds is at his dads for the night and I miss him and feel guilty for being tired and ratty. I'm sure I wouldn't feel as bad if I were one half of a partnership.
That said, I'm a million per cent happier now than I was when I was with ex, as is ds I think
I've done it both ways and I do know the pros and cons of both sides - but, honestly, I am just about to plunge back in to single parentdom again and I'd say the difference is slow death versus insecurity.
I'd take the latter over the slow death anyday - honestly.
If the relationship breaks down or the partner is not the right thing- then the simple answer is - it is going to be a bit shit either way...
I didn't find single parentdom massively liberating - but I did find more pros and I was definitely happier.
Tis all things it all people.
Generally I find the day in day out proof that I am coping rather well actually be reassuring/ liberating/empowering
Sometimes I feel the weight of my impending court case v stbxh and dds upcoming surgery abs the decisions that must be made surrounding it and really wish I could share the load with a loving partner.
Mostly I would just like a single parent house share or similar so that I can nip to the bloody shop sometimes
whilst i am glad it is being recognised that out Children can turn out ok, i think this is probably a reflection of Single parents self sacrifice. i Don't want to be a martyr but sometimes Feel i am putting my needs last Most of the Time in order to keep the whole Show on the road.
and another thing i hate - having to drag both kids to the other childs Events and activities. 2 parent families can have 1 parent Stay home with the other child.
It is a small thing but I miss just having someone else to do things with DS and me - just being able to pop to softplay or something and be able to go to the loo/get drinks etc knowing there was someone else to look after DS.
I'd love to be able to text someone to get some
wine milk on their way home.
I wish I didn't have to worry about whether I"ll be able to have another child or whether I should have one or whether I want to have one! I wish everyone I know didn't keep saying they think I should have another child, as if that helps me in any way at all.
How it never gets easier. It was a piece of piss when I was maternity leave and the DC's were both small. 5yrs on my house is a wreck, I'm a wreck and far mor exhausted than I was during the baby days. The moment they stopped having day time naps was when everything went downhill .
twothousand yes, having to drag both kids to events is a PITA. Sometimes I can get mum or my stepmum to have the other one, but not all the time.
Everything, everyone has said...
Then can I add this
and be a little self-pitying
My son has ASD so even though I have people who would
walk on water to help me babysit he is often too unsettled or challenging to be left or it has to be balanced against everything else he is coping with and generally I will put other things before me going out.
And because he has ASD there are professionals involved who feel sorry for me too - and say things like 'you need a life too, it's really important' with no understanding of what I face as a single parent, never mind his difficulties...
it infuriates me and makes me sad too
I'm particularly struggling today, working full time so never see the kids and when I do I'm so tired I snap at them and shout. I want our time together to be perfect but I'm doing everything myself so don't have the time to just be with them.
I know that alone. It's so tough. When I feel I'm teetering I really want to just ask someone else to takeover tag team style and reinforce what I'm trying to do/say. Sometimes all I need is ten mins to calm down, but hiding in the loo seems do silly!
agree with twothousand. I make it work because I sacrifice a huge amount of myself. I'm ok with that but if I had someone else to work with, I would exist more iyswim.
And being sick and having to look after DCs is the absolutely most horrible thing ever. I've only ever had bouts of sickness or tonsillitis - nothing really serious - but it is the pits. I can't imagine how you deal with a really serious illness.
I'd like a house elf. Or a cleaner.
A friend of mine came round today and was astonished by the speed with which I cleared about 100 ball pool balls from the living room (2 mins, don't ask) and the fact that I washed the sofa covers and shampooed the carpet last night (vom incident) and that is all normal because my default setting these days is DO IT NOW there will not be another chance... there is no second pair of hands, no helping person about to arrive, if I don't sort the vom/poo/health and safety disaster right now then it'll be on ME when the DS's fall/tantrum etc. It's always on me. I don't even notice how self-sufficient I've become.
It makes me sad that my friends wonder at the super mum act but just have no idea how close I am to scraping myself off the carpet at the end of the night, along with said vom.
And I do have a bf but it breaks my heart when he leaves and my DS2 (nearly 2) who has never known his daddy other than e.o.w contact (we split while I was pg) looks at the door, tries to get out and says 'Daddy X gone, door, gone, daddy gone'.
For the record I've never once called DP daddy, encouraged it or allowed it. We both correct it. Nevertheless, its shit that he doesn't know what or who his daddy is, only that daddy (whichever one he's referring to at the time) is a word that is ALWAYS followed with 'gone'.
Logistics is shit.
On the plus side it does change. When you have a 10 year old you can suddenly leave the house to get said milk,walk the dog,pop into town etc .and then you remember those long lonely nights differently. I want my little snugly child who just wanted me, milk and stories back now.
I hate that I have to basically force DS's dad to spend time with him. Can he not see how amazing DqS is? I would happily keep him all to myself, but never want to be in a position when DS can thunk that I drove his dad away. Apparently everything is my fault.
God I'm with you and agree with most comments. I hate bank holidays and am once again dreading this weekend. I can't help but feel jealous of people....even smug bastards out on their annual family bike ride.(I know this is an unreasonable thing to say)
I would love to be able to run at night and pop up to a The Trafford centre for a mooch round on my own.
Well, the alternative to single, is being stuck with the vile fucker, so single does rock a little bit for me.
However... am pissed off, sat up watching crap on TV as need to rant and have noone to rant at. So am on my 3rd glass of wine. Need to decide this week on schools for dd, looooong story, but is a big deal as she has SEN and my friends try to get it, but they aren't properly invested like a parent is. Or one of the parents anyway. The other couldn't care less. And then complains when I don't tell him stuff. SO I tell him and he shrugs. And I don't tell him and he moans and AAAAGH!!!
I would love to go to the gym regularly.
Pre DS I was size 10 and fit as a flea. Now I'm a 16 and so unfit. My 'me time' in the evening when DS is asleep consists of TV and chocolate. Every bloody night.
Boring but also comforting in a strange way.
The other thing is that DS spends so much time alone. No siblings and just me. So when I'm doing something eg showering he's alone. He seems content but it still bothers me.
Catrin that is the beauty of MN!Start a thread on here listing all of the schools and you get sage advice from everywhere I assume you have visited them all and didn't get a 'feeling' that swayed you? I am looking a year early for DD as our area has a shortage of places and I have to be very prepared or she won't get in anywhere!
Margaret I have the same thing about DD being alone. She is in nursery though so gets a bit of socialisation and every single one of my mummy friends has commented on how well she plays alone. Apparently it is a delight to have her over as she focuses on one thing and rarely needs as much attention as other kids. She'll sit and play snap or colour in for 20mins for example where other kids are rushing from one thing to another like a whirlwind. I think it may help with their focus at school, so try to think of it as a positive!
On the whole I like being a single parent, helped immeasurably by the fact that I have just one dd, who is generally pretty easy.
However, I would like:
a) a big reassuring manly hug at the end of a hard day
b) two incomes! I'm on an average salary, and currently eyeing up mortgages, and it would be so much more realistic with another income. Also, my exH has cost me huge sums of money by dragging me through court pointlessly - there goes my house deposit.
c) sex. I have spent the entire second half of my thirties without it.
d) I would have liked the chance to give my dd a sibling.
As Catrin says, it's still a lot better than being lumbered with the vile fucker, so swings and roundabouts.
Great thread, and i agree with everything everyone else has said.
It really is shitty most of the time isn't it?
My ds's are 13 and 8, and my dd is 2. So i have the terrible teens, an inbetweener and a terrible toddler to deal with by myself pretty much most of the time.
I do get a break from them now and again, usually once a month so i look forward to that time but the rest of the time is pretty manic and stressful.
One thing along with everything else i miss, that i notice a lot of the time these days is being able to just think straight with no noise.
I never took much notice to that saying "I can't think straight" before i was a single parent and now it literally does my head in when i'm deep in thought about something important, or whatever it is.
Then you hear...."Mum, mum, mum, mum muuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!"
Omg it really pisses me off to have to run along and say "Yes darling what's the matter?" When all you wanted to do was finish the list of crap you were originally thinking about in your head that needs doing.
And those horrible times, that aren't their fault but feel like it at the time, when they all want you for something all at the same damn time.
The toddler needs a nappy change and has spilled yogurt everywhere, the 8 yr old wants you to play monopoly with him (kill me now)....and the teenager cant find his phone.
They are all moaning on at you and its completely all your fault and they all hate you now because you never spend any time with them or help them with anything because you are always with the toddler.
Story of my life.
The nights alone used to bore the life out of me, but now as soon as the boys are in bed by 9pm i get a few hours to myself that i cherish now, i either watch tv, browse the internet or play my PS3...those few hours are bliss to me!
I will probably drop dead with a heart attack (due to the stress) or skin cancer (because I can't check all of my moles).
I am losing my dp as we never get any fun times, I get a babysitter once a fortnight on a week day-she doesn't see her dad-never has-he has no interest, this means I get home from work, put dd to bed, go to his for 8.30ish and he is asleep on the sofa by half 9. It is poo.
funkymoon exactly... overall I don't mind it. much better than with vile fucker exh.
but still would love some peace and quiet and a cuddle and a shag!
Anyone else totally put the mere idea of dating again to the back of their mind for a few more years yet? As much as it would be nice, how can one go on dates, and find the time to get to know a new man...and then all the waiting for months to introduce the kids...the whole thing sounds impossible to me. I don't have time to shave my legs let alone go on dates and whatnot hahaha.. While our exes are probably enjoying their single life of no responsibilities or worries!
funkmoon I have tried online dating. met one guy but not really convinced he is "the one"
like you said I am tired and so busy I don't see how it can really work. I would like ideally to see someone several times a week but without kids in tow so that means waitig till they are in bed and then I just want a cuddle and to go to bed... not hours of chat etc
so I am with you on this... how do I have time for it all?
is altogether pretty shit
My best friend has just read this and has now decided not to leave her abusive partner. Not the point of the thread but it really won't help people struggling to make that decision.
Noooo! It's still a million miles better than being with an abusive partner. Honestly, in my years in MN, I have never ever heard one single person saying she wished she'd stayed with an abusive ex, because that was better than being a single parent. Honestly, start a thread with that topic and see what the answers there.
People are still allowed to vent, and if she's going to seize on that and make it the basis for her decision, it's because she's scrabbling around for a reason not to leave. It's not fair to blame the people venting.
I agree - being alone for the next 40 years will be 100 times better than walking on eggshells and waiting for the next attack from an abusive man.
Magmar - will your friend consider contacting Women's Aid for some help?
I agree with Bibliomania, No-one here is saying it's better to stay with a horrible ex than be a single parent.
I think it's healthy to have somewhere to vent rather than bottle it up.
I'm sorry your friend is going bad times, i hope she finds the strength to leave him.
magmar Being a LP is a billion times better than staying with an crap partner. I feel so sorry for people who are unable to make the jump and leave a crap relationship. Neither should anyone stay for the sake of the children, that way misery lies.
Magmar, did you mean to be so rude?
We all have our down days. But reading this thread had kinda cheered me up. Not reading how hard/miserable it can be but that im not the only one going through a tough time. Because sometimes it feels like the worlds against you doesnt it !
We should have mugs made .. "im a LP an ill moan if i want to" haha
So now do we have to just put up and shut up with a smile on our faces. Why shouldn't we vent. It can be shit! Being a lone parent is obviously better than staying in a shitty relationship, but it's bloody hard sometimes. Would I be with ex instead? No! Would I be without ds? Not for anything in the world. Does it take it's toll sometimes? Yes it does!
Not the point of the thread but it really won't help people struggling to make that decision. Au contraire - if this thread helps just one person realise life is better alone than with someone really crap, let alone abusive, then I think we will all sleep better. How could you call this person your friend and not advise her to do the same!? I feel terrible for a friend who has been trying to patch together a relationship for 2 years - he's slept with someone else and treated her like a fool, they argue like cats and dogs and it is upsetting their DD. I have (and will continue) to tell her she was better and stronger for the 4 months they separated - which she knows (as soon as she felt better he popped up again), and I am open about the fact I wouldn't be in her situation for love nor money! More than anything I feel for her DD having to see the way they treat each other. It is anything but healthy.
I broke up with a violent partner before I knew I was pregnant, he has nothing to do with her, of that I'm glad.
I started this thread because I wanted to vent. I wanted to say that sometimes there are really shitty things that make you feel even shittier that only go along with being a lone parent. I don't want to be blamed for starting a thread that has made someone stay in an awful situation.
fated don't worry about it. most of us lone parents totally get what yr saying.
Fated I was so happy when i found this thread it was a great idea and made me realise i wasn't the only one going through shitty times.
Relating to everyone's posts here and having a laugh at the funny bits made me feel better so don't worry what one negative person said on here when the rest of us are with you on this
Fated, this thread is a big comfort to me too. I don't have anyone else about who understands what it's like, so feel comfortable sharing here.
I'm quite offended that someone could be cross about us sharing our experiences in this way.
Fwiw, I have no idea what it's like to have an ex involved in my dc's life (he wasn't even there when I was pregnant). There are so many different types of lone parent, just as there are so many types of family make-ups in general, but lone parents topic and this thread are my sanctuary.
Thank you fated for starting the thread.
Theincidental, you sound like me, I found out I was pregnant, told him and that was it, I was on my own the full time.
There isn't a day off ever, no "dd is at her dad's" day, today I want to ring in sick just to sleep and have a bit of time to myself.
fated I hear you!!
you are so worn out that you feel sick and yet you still have to carry on.
hope yr day is ok?
Dp and I have split up last night so I am going to ring in sick and move all of my stuff from his. Buses with bin bags is such a good look
oh no fated
hope yr ok?
Not even a little bit ok, I know it's nowhere near the situation of a lot of people on mn but I am still very sad x
doesn't matter what other people's situation is. mn is not a competition. it is a place to share and be heard and supported by people who hopefully have a pretty good idea of how you might be feeling.
I know how you feel fated on my own fultime here too an im bloody knackered half the time.
Sorry to hear about you and your DP hope you have somewhere to go xx
Oh fated I'm sorry, I hope you are ok? Do you have a place of your own as well or were you living together?
I just wanted to say thank you for this thread too, I feel so alone sometimes with all this bloody responsibility, and no one understands what that feels like apart from you lot. It means a lot that some one "gets" me, and that I'm not the only one banging my head against the wall.
I really hope your as ok as can be x
Fated i'm sorry to hear that, i hope things get better for you soon. Hugs
We weren't living together, we've only been together about 2 years, I did think that we would end up together for life though
Anyone else got that sinking bank holiday feeling?
Yep, a weekend of seeing everyone out either with their friend or with their families. Me and dd had plans with dp, I need to make new plans sharpish
I'm getting the rug doctor! That's the highlight. I'll do something with my son and I have a big family so I'm lucky in that sense. However, I want to be the smug family out on bikes! Even when I was with ex we did fuck all as he'd always wriggle out of plans. Feel sad tonight.
Me too, fancy a glass of wine but got none in. Trying to make do with the gogglebox drunk couple to make me feel like I've got friends round!
I have wine this is for you
It doesn't help if makes you feel better.
I'm making myself stay up. I usually just go to bed but I try and make an effort at the weekend.
Thank you muchly, I know it wouldn't help, especially as it is dance class and I have the waggy ladies to contend with in the morning
Although, I have just found a packet of cigs with one left in in my handbag so I have 2 left for the day now instead of just the one
Sometimes I like to infuriate the stuck up nosey couple next door by standing on my doorstep having a cig instead of going into the back garden, I like to play chavvy single mum!
Ha ha, I have up smoking but am pretty lucky in that I can have the odd one and then not bother. My brother brought 2 round for me as he knows I hate bank holiday! I will pretend we are smoking together fated
It's just so boring on a night, think 10pm tonight will be my late night for the weekend, there's only so much sitting in silence I can take!
Well done for quitting Indians, you deserve the wine for that!
The point of the thread isn't people saying they wished they had stayed with their abusive ex as LP is so hard. They are saying it is hard and they wish they had a NICE, LOVING, SUPOPRTIVE partner to share their life with.
Thanks itsfab, I was trying to think how to word it!
Fated, thank you so much for starting this thread!
I am so glad I left my EA ex, but there are times that I sit in the evenings feeling sorry for myself, for all the reasons everyone has posted above, then getting mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself!
This week has been a bad week. I've felt really down and just wanted someone to put their arms around me and tell me it will all be ok. But then I start thinking about how difficult it is to meet someone when I can't just go out on a whim and how many men just don't want to know the moment they realise you have young kids.
So yes, it is shit, but it is also reassuring to know I am not alone feeling like this.
Hi bigbird, sorry you've had a bad week, feel free to rant away and get some virtual company on here
Tonight I have caved, I have a bottle of wine in for once dd's asleep, I'm just wanting to apologise in case I ramble on about dp tonight (can't face calling him ex dp yet)
I shall virtually (and literally) join you, Fated!
BGT and wine - rock n' roll!! :-)
No sleep is shit. I'll be up in an hour or two too
Hope you managed to get some rest Fated. I was woken up a 6 (not too bad) and have a slightly fuzzy head this morning. Taking DCs walking with friends in a couple of hours - that should shake it!!
Sunday roast is shit. I find it such a faff to prepare with the kids under my feet.
Although the upside is that with just the three of us I can make extra spuds and there's always enough left for roast leftovers the next day.
Today has been a good day, I am now going to ruin it by getting drunk. Hope you've all had fun
I was lying in bed last night thinking of starting a thread like this! So thankyou. Yes, this is much better than being with selfish ExH but when his idea of contact is coming round every Saturday morning for 1.5 bloody hours and doing nothing useful when he's here.... Ggrrrrrr. I don't so much mind the evenings, I have dd who's 4 and twins who are 2 so I'm generally pretty knackered and happy to not have anyone to socialise with but it's when I analyse that I don't miss him because he was useless and I have no example of what a sharing, loving partner would do and I get angry cos I don't even know what to miss! It's the popping... Definitely the popping which I would love to do. And the someone to share the things the children did, or bits of TV, or that silly thing that happened to you today to. Or someone to care that you got stuck in traffic with all the children screaming for an hour, or someone else to make you a cup of tea, or unload the dishwasher or wipe a work surface down. Someone to notice if you look nice. Don't miss sex. It was pretty crap tho with ExH tbh! Someone to out a hand on my back and say 'Lala, you look a bit tired today, how about you sit down and have a cup of tea. I'll look after dc for an hour and then make dinner. And clean it up, then you have a hot bath after the dc are in bed and I'll bring you a glass of wine and put your towel in the tumble-dryer so it's warm and fluffy when you get out' mmmmmmmmmm
Lala - I do feel for you - you must be shattered! My twins have just turned 5 (and I don't have any others) and that is hard enough!
I agree with all the things you 'miss' - I've missed all those (and sex) for a long time before I asked ExH to leave. I know there are lovely men out there who do know when to put their arms around you, not berate you for being stupid enough to let things upset you, just don't know how to meet them
Things I miss today-
Foot rubs while watching tv.
Sitting in happy silence with someone.
Hope you are all well and not too tired.
I don't usually like to find fault on here, but I couldn't let this one go.
"Apologies for negativity but I am so sick of nothing being done to improve ours and our families' quality of life, except for what we fight tooth and nail for ourselves."
I'm sorry you feel that way. My DS is now at school and I am able to work full time again. With tax credits, I get just over £400 per week - based on my salary of £12,000.
I am able to use Tax Credits to pay for sport activity weeks during summer holidays to allow me to go to work, and we also have enough money left over for holidays, expensive acting classes and trips to cafes for treats at the weekends.
I get 100% say on what we do, where we go etc and now that he's older, it's much easier to manage us than it ever has been.
I appreciate that life is hard being a single parent, but I really think enough has been done to improve our quality of life.
That is great for you, and I am pleased that you feel the new system works well.
I however do not have a child in full time education yet. Exp is earning far more than the minimum wage and is dodging tax and hiding earnings to avoid paying for his own child, yet is treated like an upstanding member of the community while I struggle to keep our finances on an even par.
I think we should start a petition about the CSA not using their powers to stop men getting away with this. I honestly don't think many people realise how crap the system is until it happens to them. Let's raise awareness.
Things I miss.
Having someone in bed to cuddle up to.
Someone to chat to after a day at work.
Someone to tell me 'it's ok we will get through it or sort it out together'
Someone to share the kids highs n lows.
A joint income that was enough to cover the bills.
Planning family trips out.
Watching a film together or having a meal out.
Adult company on an evening and weekend.
I'm busy all the time. But I'm also lonely. I never signed up to be a single parent.
It would of been our 20th wedding anniversary today.
I try to remain positive about the future but it's hard.
Never had a partner there to help with ds.
Been a joy but very difficult from the beginning....
I can't miss what I have never had, but would be bloody nice to have a break in the day or wake up and have someone change that 1st nappy.
Or to have someone give DS a bath so I can relax, or to cook, put DS to sleep once in a while.
It's hard doing it all 100% of the time....I get criticised for co-sleeping, but people do not understand when you are doing everything both physically and financially you will do whatever it takes to make your life easier.
I'd like a man to help with all the day to day care, & to acknowledge all the work I'm putting in with DS. A man who would encourage me to put DS into his cot at night instead of just falling asleep as easier...
I'd like to snuggle at night and miss sex too.....
Felt so good to get that off my chest!!!
Lately i have really been missing having a man around.
I go through stages where i am totally happy being single and the thought of having to share my life with another man just doesn't seem appealing.
Then i have stages where i really miss it and would give anything just for some sofa cuddles, spooning, foot massages, adult conversation, flirting, smiles and just a big strong manly hug.. the type of hug that makes you feel safe and secure...i really miss that feeling. Simple things really.
And one more thing, might sound silly but i miss that sexy man smell that they have...i cant describe it...you must know what i mean lol
Lioninthesun - I don't get any maintenance payments.
I agree that when DS was a baby and toddler it was much harder to be a parent, and looking back it was mainly because that time is so demanding.
I did not cope very well being a full time mum and am a much better parent now that I work and DS goes to school and the time that we have together is more precious.
Although I love DS to pieces and loved watching him grown and learn, I'd not endure those first 5 years again!
I'm looking forward to the stage when DS is in school or nursery at least as going back to work in sep!
Sounds horrible but I can't wait!
Having to endure people (& sometimes strangers) endlessly asking about DS's dad, who he looks like etc, where he is etc and just assuming we are together is difficult.
Sometimes I don't kno whether to lie or just out right tell them to mind their own business.
Leaving hosptial, the early morning feeds, sleep deprived, it's all been pretty tough as a lone parent. Luckily have supportive family, couldn't have done it otherwise!
I miss that man smell too!!!
I'm honestly in a good place re being happy on my own. I find lone parenting tough at times (especially financially) but I'm really not after another man.
I've been badly treated or let down by nearly all the men in my life, so I don't trust easily now. Ex's family seem to be under the illusion that I'd have him back in a heartbeat - er, yeah sure - and I find that massively insulting that a. they think single mothers are desperate, and b. that I'd go back for more emotional abuse!
Also having DS puts a massive slant on the type of guy I'd want to be bringing into our lives.
Maybe one day I'll meet someone, but until then, we're doing ok.
Sorry - bit of a ramble there!
I may get evil eyed for this but I have nothing but good things to say about the CSA. I've found them really helpful (I've only been claiming a short while and they put a pretty much immediate attachment of earnings on).
To be honest I enjoyed the freedom of not having to share decision making from day one of knowing I was pregnant so I do understand that there are plus points to being a lone parent, however, I would not wish being pregnant alone on my worst enemy, it is a scary, lonely thing.
Don't get me wrong Fated I also think the CSA have been helpful for me. They know exp is cheating the system and have made it very clear. They have tried to help all along the way. However, they also always remark how frustrating it is for them to do the job they do when over half of the families they are trying to help have men hiding assets and they can't prove it.
My previous post wasn't CSA bashing, but an attempt to give them more access to use the powers they apparently have but for some reason (lack of govt funding?) don't use. If they started repossessing cars worth more than £20k from parents supposedly on minimum wage or began short term prison sentences and fines for men claiming not to be earning who are caught earning/tax avoidance for example, I doubt they would have to do this for long before NRP started to suddenly changed their earnings and paid what these children are legally entitled to. It would save the govt a fortune in the long run and help some of the poorest families in our country.
Sorry for the long post!
Back to OP, I actually do wish single parenthood on a couple of my friends. They are miserable and could do a much better job alone IMO. They just need to have the self confidence to see it and realise how much damage their broken relationships are having on their DC already.
Noises. I hate noises while I am in bed, there is no one to check them for me. (Stupid drunks near my garden)
Fated - once our burglar alarm went off in the middle of the night. My ex cowered under the duvet, while I went downstairs to check what was going on!!
Oh dear bigbird! That's not the reassurance I was thinking of
Yeah - I'm kind of hoping that when I eventually meet 'Mr Right' he has more balls (or any)! You think something like that would have set alarm bells ringing, but I still married him!!
I don't get anything like that in tax credits despite the fact I work ft as well. Have you calculated how much yours will go down under universal credit? Check the stats and projections via turn to us. Single parents are disproportionally affected by UC in a negative way.
You now have to pay to access the csa and the vast majority of claimants are women already on low incomes who can ill afford the charges.
Legal aid services for family law have been withdrawn, so very hard for single parents to fight for their children or financial dues when there's no funding.
Welfare support and aid has gone down across virtually all sectors, (except the elderly) and that adds to the tightening of finances for those affected including large numbers of single parents. That also includes various other education grants, crisis loans and assistance schemes.
Working FT as a single parent is extremely hard when there is no one else to share days where children are sick, childcare arrangements and costs and finding an employer that is supportive or permits flexible working is not easy.
The media presentation of single parents is one of feckless freeloaders, whose children grow up to become tearaways, despite several studies and reports that indicate otherwise.
So please explain to me why you think we're getting such a good deal?
Aaaarrrrggghhh! Can I just vent here ladies?
bastard has just informed me that due to my unreasonable behaviour ( ie not taking any of his EA crap and challenging him when he's cruel and insensitive to me) he's going to cut contact with DS.
Conveniently this coincides with ex qualifying from uni and about to look for work which means child support would start.
He said in a text that I make things up (he Gaslights like a pro) and that he'll get back in touch with DS when he's old enough to talk.
I've stupidly been facilitating FaceTime twice per day as we live in different countries. We rowed yesterday because he flatly denied saying something that was very cruel and untrue. I got angry (stupidly) and it's led to this.
I really don't give a shiny shit if I never clap eyes on the abusive arse again, but what about DS?
Will he hate me for losing this time with his father?
(Background: ex dumped me when I told him I was preg, continued to live with me for 6 months, made me cry nearly every night of my pregnancy, and was shagging OW whom he moved in with when DS was 12 weeks old)
I feel that I have been more than fair, but I've just had enough. My last communication was to say that I'll only communicate by email because of his abusive attitude and this was his response. I have never, ever denied my son's right to see his father.
Of course you can vent Margot.
You can't win sometimes can you. Sorry to hear you're havin a hard time.
Margot sorry to hear you've had this happen. He does sound like a fucktard. Has he sent in writing he won't see/speak to DS? I think you are right only communicating via email, much less chance of them being able to gaslight and you have a complete record of how they act. I'd say you have done more than enough and if he wants facetime or whatever he will have to instigate it from now on. How old is your son? He is possibly aware you live in different countries so maybe the transition won't be as hard as you think?
Be kind to yourself
Oh Margot! He sounds like an absolute shit!
You might be surprised how switched on your son will be, even very young. My DCs have told me tonight that they want to see their grandpa (my ex FIL, but not with Daddy. My ex was EA to me and started towards the DCs (which is what finally gave me the courage to leave him) and he is absolutely horrid to his Dad. Although they are too young to express how they feel, they know it upsets them to be in that environment.
I understand how you feel - I am trying hard to maintain a relationship between my ex and my DCs. However, my ex has shown an interest in being involved still and only lives 10 minutes away. In your circumstances, if your son is able to express an opinion I would go with it. If he wants to spend time talking to / with his father, try to make it as easy as possible. If he doesn't (and his father isn't that fussed), don't force it.
Thanks for your replies girls.
Yes email from now on. He is emotionally abusive and controlling so hates that DS lives with me (he's 19 months old Lion)
I have been very careful in the wording of the email I sent, and have stated that I'm in no way stopping access to his son. The choice is his, though I'm sure he'll slag me to his family as he's trying to shift his guilt onto me.
Oh well, they'll believe what they want I suppose!
Unfortunately Bigbird my DS just goes with the flow but often he'd rather be playing than looking at a phone! He's not that verbal at the moment. Sorry to hear you're having difficulties too
Slightly off topic but does anyone else find themselves with a very short fuse at bedtimes? I cannot take the screaming nearly every night, there is no one to take over!
Oh yes, fated. Bedtimes are the toughest!
I don't know what is happening with my DS. He has started to get really upset every time he has to go to his Dads. I had an appointment this evening and ExH doesn't have them during the week, but did agree to look after them for an hour for me (although wasn't prepared to take them to their swimming lesson). When I told them my DS burst into tears, really sobbing... I tried getting him to tell me what was making him upset, but he said he just wanted to stay with me.
He was the same last weekend. Now I'm getting concerned because I am away for 2 nights next weekend (they usually only have one night a week with him) and I don't know how he is going to react.
He seems ok when I drop them off and always fine when I pick them up.
That people assume because XP was an abusive shit and we had the police & WA involved that I'm living in hiding miles away from where he is.
Well, no. I have a house (with a mortgage), a job, the DC's had a great nursery and my family are nearby I so can't just swan off and set up a new life somewhere else . We're in the same house we always were. So if he ever has cause to flip out again, he knows where we are.
And AFAIK XP is still living in the same town. I have to keep my head down and avoid town at weekends, certain supermarkets, roads etc.
It does, as they say, get right on my tits.
Meglet that is tough. Do you see him around often? I moved mainly because of my ex turning up uninvited. It's such an invasion of privacy and makes you realise how vulnerable you can be - I felt like a sitting duck just waiting for his next big appearance. The stress can be quite consuming.
Any way you could do a house swap or down/upsize to somewhere a few roads away or anything? Moving is stressful but the relief I have knowing he has no idea where we are now takes his whole power game out of the equation
apart from the dicking about with CSA
We can move (am in house hunting hell even as I type, first world pains and all that!) but it will be within the same part of town near the kids school and we're still in touch with his family anyway. So unless I went NC with them I can't just vanish.
Sitting duck sums it up actually. I did get away from him without being hit (a mutal friend has since told me he hits his new gf), but the verbal threats, abuse and damage to my car were bloody awful.
In the 5yrs since we split I've spotted him a couple of times a year. Usually he's driving but a couple of times in town.
Damn! Just realised I haven't got enough milk for breakfast and kids are in bed!!
That is one of my top hates about being on my own!
Bigbird - I know it's too late for today but you could look into getting your milk delivered in the mornings? I've used milk & more for a year and it saves me a lot of hassle. IIRC you can amend orders until 9pm the night before.
When my dc were smaller I used to keep long life milk in cupboard for emergencies. And you can freeze milk as well.
YY to Emergancy Milk! It's a necessity on the shopping list for me and we are currently using some as no cash until tomorrow. Luckily we get 1pt free on Friday's from nursery as well as they always over order. I also get the part cooked bread for the cupboard as well as bread is another staple.
I don't know what more information I can give you to support why I feel I'm getting a good deal.
Tax Credits allow for me to have more excess income than some couples that I know.
My Tax Credits will go down next year by around £50 per week with this year's being based on my low earnings last tax year.
I don't get any CSA payments or have exP involved at all - so perhaps that is why my situation seems better to me - as it's just us two?
I hope this whinge doesn't come across as nasty, because I really don't wish misery on everyone, but watching other LP friends all couple up again really gets me .
I am truly pleased they've met new partners but I won't get the chance, I work and have the kids every weekend, year in year out <<sigh>>.
Don't worry about sounding nasty Meg - we all know what you mean
sure half of my rants about ex sound like hell on wheels, but if you can't rant to strangers, eh? . I know I don't have time for a partner right now, but it doesn't mean a fling wouldn't be nice! Ego boosts are always good.
I feel bad when I look at couples and try to guess which are the 3 in 5 who won't be together by the time their child is 5...
Oh, I do that sometimes. Then I remember that some of them probably are in a crap marriage but not quite at crunch point yet. At least we're out the other side.
I work with a girl who's just got married and from what I hear it sounds like a potential car crash . She always talks about them bickering. Some people are terrified of being on their own though aren't they, I can understand that.
Yes there are lots of couples in shitty stale marriages. Struggling on but really not liking each other very much. I notice it more now I'm single.
I know you're moving on a bit in conersation, but I'm going to list my hates anyway:
I hate I'm not first in anyones mind.
I hate that because I manage, and manage well, no-one thinks to ask if I'm OK or need any help
I hate that all my childcare favours are tied up with work (shifts) so I can't really call in a favour just to go get pissed on a bank holiday
I hate that if I meet a guy, I have DD at home so I can't just take him home for random stranger sex
I hate that work ask me to come in for a meeting at a random time, then seem pissed off that actually, that's school run time, on my day off, so I have no childcare, so I can't come in
I hate that ex assumes I'm sitting pining for him, because I don't have the time or money to go out or meet someone, because he doesn't see his daughter or pay towards her upbringing
I hate that friends arrange gatherings, but I don't get invited as I'm not part of a couple
I'm not in a good place with being single at the minute, as you can tell! It's been too many years since I had a boyfriend.
Breakout I can relate to everything you just posted.
I've just had a few tears and a bit of a pity party as yet another weekend has been spent on my own trying to keep up with running the home and keeping the kids happy. All I seemed to see and hear at the moment is couples and families having holidays BBQ 's. Meals out, trips to the beach.... Must stay off of face fucking book as it's just full of happy family couples stuff
Sorry to sound miserable.
Oh yes, BreakOut - I totally agree!!
When I first left my ex I had people checking I was ok all the time - now I hardly hear from them. I'm pretty sure they just assume I fine because I cope.
We've been going through some big family stuff recently, and I've been trying to make sure everyones OK, trying to help and offer an ear and other help. Then I looked through my messages and could nly find one or two conversations, out of all my friends and family, where I wasn't the first person to text them. Made me feel very alone.
Also having a pity party here. Mine involves crumpets, chocolate cake and squirty cream.
when u need a hug and dcs are asleep and you're alone. but u want that hug from someone who knows why u feel the way u do and wants to make u feel better.
accident with juice tonight over computer. very likely had it. can't afford a new one. loads and loads of baby pics, holidays, birthday pics etc on there. feeling low.
Oh no, mini!! Sending big FB-stylee ((hugs))!!
Sorry to hear that Minime - you'd be surprised at what computer techies can get from a hard drive. If you know someone or can save it, do, until you have £ to get someone to copy the files onto a hard drive for you? Or you could try the age old technique of putting the whole thing in rice to dry out?! Works for phones...?
I am listening to my nearly 2yo scream yet again, all through the night. It's a tantrum because he wants to get up. Nothing is wrong. He does this 5 nights out of 7 at the moment, and nothing I do settles him.
He is up at 5am, despite the nightly bullshit. Often giving up and going to sleep around 7am - just in time for my 3yo to get up for the day.
Today I fell asleep at the wheel and nearly killed myself on a main A road coming back from work, which I can't take time off from as I'm self employed, by the grace of god I didn't actually crash.
I want to scream at him for screaming. There is no-one to help. No-one to call. No-one who I can ask for support from. I am SO GODDAMN ANGRY about the lack of sleep right now I can't even try and comfort him, because I am too sleep deprived to begin to cope with the unbelievable stress of the whole thing.
Where do you even start to improve this situation when you are on your own?
I can't even be bothered to write about how miserable it is that my entire waking hours revolve around work and cleaning, and that none of it is ever done. My bills aren't paid because I simply don't have the brain power left over to deal with it. I feel like I'm fucking drowning and no-one would even notice.
oh nefnaf you sound so fed up. can u go to your gp or are their friends u could call to give u an hour off or something? my youngest went through some god awful phases over sleep. I promise it does get better.
nefnaf sounds like we had a similar night . DD keeps waking at 1ish apparently wanting a wee but then it morphs into milk and then my bed. She wailed for ages last night and I ended up giving in. It's become a pattern and I'm almost tempted to put her back into nappies at night.
I found myself explaining to her that I need sleep. All I do is listen to her whine all day while I try to play with her and keep her entertained and watch her mess the house up, then I take her to nursery to play with her friends and she screams because she doesn't want me to leave, so I feel guilty, come home clean/hoover/tidy/change sheets etc, pick her up and watch her systematically go through each room and mess it all up again, all the while whining that she "doesn't want this, I WANT THAT!". That is my life. I find it hard focusing on much at the moment, so am in awe of you running your own company!
Sleep deprivation is the hardest part IME. You can deal with anything if you have had 5/6hours. Anything less and you loose the will. Can you snatch an hour nap anywhere, even if mid day? You do really need a break (as if you didn't know!). Is it possible to pay a babysitter for 3 hours or something just so you can catch up?
morning all. Thank you for your kind replies Lion and Mini, I'm feeling ok today. I have taken the boys to the childminder (an hour late, but we got there) and am now too late to work, so by default I'm taking a day off. I would love to crawl back into bed but I know that won't actually help as much as cleaning the kitchen, changing all the sheets, finding my info for tax credits (who want a YEARS worth of childcare receipts from me for some reason) and paying my water bill... all the sanity stealers that have been making me too anxious to sleep, even when my DC do!
I feel so crap for being horrible to my DS2 last night. I tried everything. Cuddles, milk, sitting holding his hand, brought him in with me... eventually I lost it and just plonked him in the cot and yelled at him to leave me alone and left him to cry it out. I know he is absolutely fine and it's just one of those utterly shitty things that I have to try and avoid at all costs. But it doesn't help much to pull yourself together when you feel like you're doing a rubbish job as a mum.
Ended up skyping my best friend (who now lives in boston) last night and sobbing down the line at him, while he talked me down from the edge. I just hate how unbelievably lonely it can get sometimes. It's miserable.
Sending to all who feel a little bit broken by sleep deprivation today too xxx
Hugs and to everyone havin shitty time of it.
I also left me EA husband a few years ago and have been on my own with my dd & ds ever since he was a useless, loveless shit and did nothing with the kids or to support me (emotionally or financially) so I can't say I miss having the things that a partner can offer because I never had them either, but yes I hate not having a supportive and loving relationship. He is also non contact, has been for two years, so no days or weekends where I don't have the kids with me.
And yes it's hard, very hard but I think of the alternative and that never fails to cheer me up. An abusive relationship is never ever the best option, even if he/she does help with the kids.
I mostly enjoy my life but I do get a bit down at times. I love being single and I love being a mighty but I hate being a single mother if that makes sense.
Things I would like? Well I'd like to come downstairs after putting the kids to sleep to find the toys all put away, the dishwasher loaded and the kettle on.
I'd like more sex and more opportunity to go out and meet people.
I'd like to go jogging.
I'd like someone to kiss me, to hug me. My god do I need a hug.
And yes to whoever said they miss the smell of a man. I'm practically inhaling men as they walk past me in the street.
*being a mother, not being a mighty!
nefnaf good to hear you are feeling a little better today.
Is there anyone who could take the DCs for you for a couple of days, just so you can recharge your batteries? It sounds like you are doing an amazing job of holding it all together, despite the sleep deprivation, but we all need a little bit of a break sometimes.
My mum came a stayed for a few days recently. I still had work and obviously saw the DCs, but I didn't have to worry about getting them up and dressed, feeding them, tidying the house... She even did my ironing mountain, bless her! I felt like I was on a holiday camp - despite putting in a full working week!
lady - yes the smell and feel of of a man putting his arms around you to make you feel safe . Like you, I missed that before I split up with my ex though. My ex is still around and has the DCs one night a week, although I find I get very anxious when he does have them. My DS in particular gets very upset about going, but neither of them can tell me a reason or anything which would enable me to stop the contact if it isn't appropriate. Also, their behaviour when they get home is always awful - rude, argumentative and generally upsetting. Takes me a couple of days to get them back to normal...
I hope you are all enjoying the sunshine at the moment, as much as I wish things were easier/different, it is so much easier to find free/fun things to do in the sun
On another note, me and dp are on the way to reconciling which is lovely as dd has been really missing him.
Have any of you ever had the
horrible thought that you should have waited to be with someone more suitable to have dc?
Can I moan too please...
All my mates are arranging, yet another day out. And guess what? I've got more chance of hell freezing over than going out!!!
It's been nearly 3 months since it split from my DH and I've had about 4 x4 hours to myself and it's not looking any better...
I know I'm way better off just the 3 of us but, by god, I get fucked off with missing everything
Moan away blue! I get one night a week when my DCs stay with their Dad and that is tough enough.
I am in awe of all you ladies who never get the respite! You all deserve and lots and lots of
just came in for a rant too i guess. wish i could be positive all the time but i just can't. this week has been horrible, ive felt so so down and like i just can't cope. luckily my college course is finishing in a few weeks so that will be some pressure off. ex has a job and also doing exams with his degree, so says he can't really help even when things are very hard. when i say this is not acceptable (if we were to get back together) he says i don't have a clue. am i really being that unreasonable to think we should be important too even though he is hellishly busy. its so hard to know the right perspective. anyway. i find it so overwhelming with dd on my own so the temptation to keep trying to work things out with him is huge. but then it was hell living with him. sigh.
Coming on to moan a bit too. Keep having great days but then, like yesterday it all hits the fan.
I woke at 5:50am thinking someone had run the doorbell...realised what sounded like torrential rain was not actually in line with the picture from my bedroom window and got to the bedroom door to realise carpet was sodden. Yup, a faulty part under the bath meant that my new house was flooding. It was pouring out from light fittings, all over DD's toys. So lucky I don't have carpet downstairs! I acted fast and was remarkably calm, but it has really set me back with what I needed to get done in the week. I also know it could have been a lot worse - if I had been out or away. Now all of my furniture upstairs has had to be moved again to peel back carpet and underlay so it can dry a bit. All of this is furniture I had to have help moving in in the first place! I was just starting to feel settled and on top of things and now I have every towel in the house to wash, wet feet if I walk around upstairs, furniture all over the place and the usual shite to do as well as looking forward to a high water and electric bill (dehumidifier needs to be on all of the time to dry joists and carpet). Builder was amazing though, so at least they were a little helpful even if my house does look a tip now.
I hate that I have to do this on my own and can't even have a laugh about it afterwards. There was no point in calling dad - he wouldn't have been up, wouldn't have known what to do and would have then worried himself silly.
oh dear lion. what a bother! and what a shock for you to wake up to that.... oh have a virtual laugh with us about it all if that is possible! never a dull moment is there? i hope downstairs feels nice and cosy to make up for upstairs at the minute. poor you!
It was when DD did the Peppa Pig line of "Mummy! It's raining IN THE HOUSE!" and trying to put up her umbrella while I was running about trying to move all of her toys to a non-existent dry spot...
And everyone mocked me for having so many towels. I have finally proved why stockpiling them can be useful
lol that is hilarious you should take a pic of dd with her umbrella up in the house and all the furniture moved and the chaos....it might be a good memory for her!
i have soooo many towels (all the engagements and wedding pressies lol lol) and they have always come in useful for when dd is sick and ALL of them end up in the wash at once and also when she decides to wash the dishes...!
I'm back to have another moan. (JOY! I hear you all shout!)
I'm fed up of having to sort everything out. Being the parent for my parent is exhausting. Being the parent for my toddler is exhausting. I just want someone, anyone, to come along and say "Here you go Lion, let me look into that problem you've been trying to solve for the last 5 months, while you focus on your child/the other 38 problems that are building up" <sigh> Having a shite couple of months (by shite read expensive meaning we have no money for proper food shopping or to do anything with/go anywhere over half term), and then half term arrives just to ensure I get a grand total of 4 hours childcare for the whole week just as we have this flood and I need to be all over it before we get black mould.
Now having anxiety that I am subjecting DD to black mould from the wet carpets which means I can't sleep which means I will be tired and grumpy and a shit parent. Fed up.
Fed up too.
I am not very well and there is no one to look after me, I've gone to bed without washing dd's pots from tea-it is driving me to distraction.
Fated just look after yourself
and get a dishwasher
It's so hard when you are ill, but it won't be forever.
I'm having a shit day too, just feel completely isolated today. I sat on my own this evening in complete silence, nothing on TV, didn't feel in the mood for music, I just wanted some company, someone different and over the age of 6 to talk to.
I think this is the first time I've actually started to feel lonely.
Lady it can get like that. On the flipside I had a pg friend of mine over crying her eyes out over her idiot husband. I don't think they will still be together by the time baby No 2 comes along . I know this is a thread about the shit we have to do and deal with but last night was, for me, a huge reminder of why this way is far simpler.
Hope you are feeling a little better today fated
Oh a bad day today. After a really awful week it culminated in bloke I was seeing going cold and that ended and my dds at their dads all weekend so I've spent a lovely sunny day on my own when all I wanted to do is be with them at the park. It's so shit and hurts so much. Cried and cried today for having to live this life I never asked for and my dds certainly don't deserve it. Sorry really bad day
Mini I felt a lot like that yesterday too. I ended up asking my ex if I could keep the DCs for the night - even though they were only going to his at bedtime. Felt like I could justify another evening sat in with my own company if I had them asleep upstairs.
The day was really topped off by me going up to bed to find the cat had been sick on the sheepskin rug next to my bed. And yes - I stood in it!
Bigbird bless u it sounds like we are in very similar places. I hope you've had a better day today. Ive asked dcs dad if I can keep them Thursday as only come back tonight and then he is having them again overnight Friday. Thankfully he has agreed. Need to get out of this rut I'm in. And it's my birthday tomorrow which is the last thing I'm in the mood for
Happy birthday minime85.It was mine last Tuesday so I know what it's like. Hope you're having a good day.
Happy Birthday Minime!
Hope you had a lovely day.
Did you get your computer sorted out btw?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MINI
I hope you have managed to have a decent day. My birthday was a bit weird this year - I ended up deliberately arranging an evening work thing to stop myself sitting at home on my own. I'm 40 next year - really hope my life has moved on by then!
I've been brighter today. Beardy is very chatty (see Dating thread) so definitely a lot less lonely. Up days and down days...
More what's shit (I'm hormonal and exhausted today), 'no I can't help with the PTA because I've got the dc's'. 'I'd love to train for the half marathon, but I don't have time to train around work and the kids'.
Being so restricted drives me insane.
Can I join in the hormonal pity party?
Disclaimer - mostly I'm doing fine, yadda yadda.
But I'm a bit sad because someone who used to be close friend when we were lps together has dropped me now that she's with a new man and pregnant. I miss her and I'm hurt that I was so dispensable now that she's playing happy families.
Oh no Bib. I had similar just as I became pregnant - a friend who was LP got with a guy and completely disappeared. We are friendly again now, but we had a bit bust up in between with a fair bit of finger pointing. She is in a bubble at the moment, but she will probably be wanting her friends back in 6 months time (my general estimated honeymoon period with any new man )
I'm waiting for bloods to come back to see why my periods have gone irregular. I've been having mood swings for some time and hoping it isn't thyroid or perimenopause (damn you MN for making me aware!). Hopefully they can set me straight - hate flipping from rage to tears at the flick of a switch.
Thanks for the sympathy, lion. I don't find it that easy to make friends and because I've moved around a lot, I don't have very many where I live, so I'm not great about someone withdrawing your friendship.
Hormones can be a bugger, can't they? Hate the way they can hold you to hostage. Hoping your bloodwork has a helpful outcome.
Thanks warm lion and bigbird birthday wasn't as bad as I thought and glad to be on the other side of it now.
New laptop purchased so got to somehow pay for it now
I had two single female friends and now both have found a boyfriend in the last few weeks, so I am literally the only single woman I know I wish I didn't find that so depressing.
Hope you had a lovely birthday mini!
Can I join with a pitty post please
I'm going to have to turn down a chance of going out again this weekend because i just can't afford it And if I could of gone I was to chicken to ask my dm or his gp to babysit.
Do not only am I feeling like the poor friend I also feel like a let down as it friends birthday. It wouldn't be to bad but she is lp too but her mum and sister help her out a lot with childcare for work and going out I'm quite jealous at all the free time and social life she has.
Thank you I'm going to crawl back under my rock I was hiding under
Hope you had a great birthday mini
I'd like someone there to talk to at the weekend, all of DS's friends have families, and I feel so sorry for him (us both if I'm being honest) being alone for two days. Especially Sundays. I hate Sundays. DS is the only one in his class with divorced parents, and I think of all of those other families together having Sunday lunch, and all the chatting/laughing/arguing that goes with it. When the two of us do go out at the weekend, everywhere we go there are parents with 2.4 kids running round together, I sit at a table on my own while my son plays at softplay, I sit on a bench alone at the park watching my son play by himself, I am so tired of us being alone. But I'm too scared to trust another man again, so I guess this is all self-inflicted really.
Enough of this, I don't generally go in for self-pity, but you did ask.
Today I completely understand where u are coming from. I was often doing those types of things alone anyway due to ex'a job but now I feel completely alone and everyone else does seem to be together. What's silly is people holding hands gets me the most. I would like someone to want to hold my hand.
I'm only single person I know too. Everyone else is married or with someone so how I'm supposed to find someone I don't know.
And eldest needs new tap shoes so got to rush home from work to get them tonight. It's like I've got a never ending pot of money- which I haven't- and just my wages to rely on. Ex gives me money but it doesn't cover everything by any means when u think of clubs, parties, clothing, food etc. god I am feeling sorry for myself again today. Any ideas of how to get of out this rutt gratefully appreciated
Thanks mini, it's nice to know others understand, I just wish I wasn't so bloody isolated where I live, the middle of rural Cumbria, and wish there were more MNers out here. I don't particularly want another partner, I don't think I'll ever trust another man now, but I do like the idea of a relationship, and the company it brings. All I wanted when I was with my EA ex was for him to look at me and smile. Nothing else. Needless to say, the only time he smiled was when he was laughing at me. So now I notice every time anyone at all smiles at me, it really makes my day, even if it's from a complete stranger.
I don't think there is any way out of the rut mini, other than a new partner or enough time to let the kids grow up, generally years. Looks like some of us are in for the long-haul, certainly I am, and I have come to accept it, mostly. I've discovered I have an insatiable appetite for books at the moment, and I can read a lot more now than I could at any time when I was married, so there are benefits
I've just had a really bizarre evening with the ex. He has suddenly decided that it is imperative we get divorced NOW! (I know he has a met someone, so wouldn't be surprised if he was a trying to 'clear the way'). It got quite stressy at times, but by the end of the night he was telling (in slightly more detail than I want to know) about the ladies he has met since we split up and asking more information than I was comfortable giving about my love life (and giving me top tips how to improve it!)
He has gone now and I just feel the need for someone to put their arms around me and tell me it's ok. It's not that it has been a bad evening! just made me think about all the times he made me feel very insecure and lonely...
Ah Bigbird that sounds horrendous! Try not to take to heart any 'tips' as chances are you bruised his ego at some point and he was trying to make you feel bad. My ex told me I'd only ever end up with fat bald men (no idea why!?) but I was lucky he was a bit unimaginative.
Are you sure he isn't just trying to make you think about him again? It took a long time for me to realise ex would just pop up and text abuse when he was having a shit time simply to rile me again. I can't imagine anything worse than your night though. Try to think back to all of the things he said were good in the relationship (probably when you were in it - my ex told me I had amazing muscles, erm, down there... and he could feel me more than anyone else he'd ever met - for example) and see it for what it is - him just trying to show you he's waved his willy about and wants you to feel jealous. I think he is trying to put you on the spot and see how it pans out for him.
Hope you are OK now. You don't need a hug, you need x
Sorry to hear that bigbird . My job for tomorrow evening is to organise my divorce paperwork and get it sent off. Hope someone I'm rl can give u a hug soon. Sending u a mnet hug
Yes - I think there probably was some positioning going on... He was very controlling, right up to the point I asked him to move out. I do suspect there is elements of him trying to regain that control.
He was encouraging me to have a relationship which I know is completely wrong for me in the long run on the grounds that "let's face it, any sex is better than no sex - see it as a placeholder" (His words...). Gave me an interesting insight into the male psyche!!.
Urgh! No guessing why you left that gem but at least he was being honest!
Try to get some sleep and just be relieved he can place hold with someone else for the next few months
I've just realised that many men may do that 'place-holding' thing. Do they not realise that makes most women they meet simply assume they are not available and thus run a mile if they tried it on? <sorry for tangent!>
Oh Lion that was actually him trying to be nice! (And a lot more successfully than he did when we were together!)
Well - I filed my petition for divorce today. What a strange feeling!! It is absolutely what I want, but actually doing it feels so very strange .
I came out of the courts feeling utterly deflated. It was such a huge 'event' for me but the act of just handing over the paperwork (no fanfare, no celebration) felt a huge anticlimax. I went and sat in my car and felt, more than ever, that I just wanted someone who I felt a connection with... Who I loved... To put there arms around me a tell me I was ok.
It must have been immensely freeing though as well? Hope you are enjoying some now .
I had bad news that the carpets will all have to go upstairs (from the flood) despite all of the hard work trying to save them, they have shrunk! Now I have to wait for the builders to get their arses into gear to replace it. Fed up of moving all of my furniture around on my own and not feeling settled .
Lion Yes, it is freeing - although I think I got that more when I finally found the courage to tell him I wanted out. I may have had a glass or two of wine to celebrate last night
I hope you manage to get your carpet sorted very soon. Once you finally get it all settled it will feel so good - especially because you did have to do it all on your own - and you made it through!! Keep smiling (and taking the )
Risking a bath when you think DS is and is supposed to be asleep.
When suddenly he wakes and cries the house down and you have to get out wet!!!
That sucks, having a partner around then would def help!!!
When your family undermine you .
The dc's now know that it doesn't matter what mummy wants / says because Grandma will let them. She doesn't seem to get that maybe if the dc's saw mummy as being in charge (and other adults backing her up) they might take a blind bit of notice of me.
Sorry to hear that Meglet. I guess I always assume having family around is much easier, but not always the case. Hope you feel better today.
I hosted a party yesterday which was nerve wracking but went well. Lots of people wanted to see the new house so had to have everything tidy (a hard feat after the flood!) so had a couple of days of anxiety. Worth it though as everyone is so impressed I designed it that I felt quite chuffed by the end. Not so much this morning looking into the garden at all of the kiddie mess that will take up my nursery hours to tidy/clean. It's like living on a treadmill.
Bit depressed today as I have very unusually been invited to a few parties and a nice dinner but cannot go to any of them as I can't afford yet another babysitter. . And even more annoyingly, I have asked ex if he could watch DS, and he won't but will probably go himself and take his new gf. Grrr. I wish I lived in a single parent houseshare sometimes!
Meglet, I wholeheartedly agree with how bad it is when your family undermine you. Some days I don't even feel like a parent to my dd because of it.
Hi please can I join. Let me be the first person to say I wish I was still in my physically and emotionally abusive marriage. Yes it was shit but I was used to it and at least someone was there to help with kids talk tohug have sex sort out mot take bins out kill spiders etc. Its just too much doing it all alone. I have no support family disowned me for daring to separate and I just dont want to wake up most days wake up crying. Yes it was bad constantly living in fear and pain but stillbetter than this soul ccrushing mind numbing aching loneliness
Also doesnt help that ex v swiftly moved in with some woman v shortly after leaving and after all he did to me how dare he get comfort and intimacy when he doesnt deserve it and its the one thing I crave most? Ex also doesnt pay as much as he should so have financial stress too
Also as others say impossible to meet anyone as no babysitter etc and then one guy I met thought liked me then disappeared after sex. There is no such thing as a nice man anyway but am too young for a celibate life. I honestly just want to die but cd never leave my babies alone
In hindsight life was better in the relationship
So sorry you feel shit at the moment yummy, but please know that being in an abusive relationship is no life. You will have so many days when you don't want to do it all alone, but you will come through them. You can do everything he could, honestly. Give it time and you may feel like meeting someone new. You just need to work on your own self worth first. Your kids will be so much better off now you are out of the nasty situation you were in before.
P.S - yr exes new relationship won't fare any better. Leopards and spots. She'll be running for the hills soon too.
Yummy, it gets better. Some days it gets better anyway. Somedays I feel like you do, all alone. But you will get through this and you'll come out the other side feeling fabulous and you'll thank yourself for having the guts to have got rid of him. Remember you are worth a hundred of him.
You don't need an emotionally abusive idiot to undermine you and make you feel shit.
It will get better in time.....honest... it has to, that's what I keep telling myself..
yummy so sorry you are feeling so low! but I absolutely agree with the others - being in an abusive relationship is no good for you whatever way you look at it.
I left my EA husband last Oct. I feel hideously lonely some days, but I felt lonely when we were together too. At least now the loneliness is through my choice a and not because I have no connection with the person sat next to me on the sofa!
Yummy I hope u are feelings a little more positive and things don't seem so overwhelming x
Shitty arsed twat of a bellend
How can someone completely make up a life and sell it to someone without being honest?!
Sorry, dd's dad who she has never had contact with has always said that his wife knows that he had a child before they got together, I have just found out she doesn't. This only affects me as I have always said should dd ask to meet him he needs to be agreeable to it-which generally he has gone along with.
Now it would not quite be that simple poor dd. She does not deserve this life.
This is lone parenting at is suckiest.
Never having anyone to take a proper photo of me and the dc's. All our joint photos are selfies taken by me. You'd never know I have legs .
Even my family won't take photos of me, I'm not sure my mum even owns a camera.
Good friends are the key people and also feeling comfortable with solitude. I love my own company. Drinking wine with no one to fight with: bliss. I don't even miss sex. I now have a jungle down there (tmi).
Basically I attract wrong uns. When I think about the pain they inflicted on me being alone is truly blissful. Took me ages to get to ths point though!
I would say I've struggled with being a LP. I'm slowly coming around to the way of life.
Today has been bliss, last day at school for dd before the summer holiday. I'm not due in to qork until the week she goes back (serious saving and forward planning!) So with my first of many days off I read, went to the tip. Did a bit of batch cooking and chilled out. On the plus side I can get all my housework done (without being resentful of ex p being welded to my sofa) in peace and do as I plenty when I want. I don't dread coming back to my own house.
Things I miss: sex (despite just coming out of relationship I haven't had any in years!)
I also hate how people feel sorry for you!
I don t miss the relationship I had,I miss the fantasy relationship I want.Nice bloke who has good job likes the children enjoys DIY or willing to pay if he does nt Does lovely things like sends me flowers buys me little thoughtful things can cook and clean up as he goes along.Organises spontaneous activities as a family and as a couple Does not have an all consuming hobby The shit thing is the longer I spend alone,the more I realise this is a fantasy. a bloke like that is not looking for a almost 40 year old with three children no matter how good I try to look. I would be forced to settle for a hideous fish hugging cretin from OLD.So I struggle on alone working full time and more and never having any money.i just can t be arsed and to be honest do not have the faintest idea how to date never mind the fact I simply cannot afford regular babysitting.Single mums are portrayed negatively so much that we start to believe that we are that shit. I feel so guilty about kids dad not being here I do rediculously over compensatory activitys that wear me out and most coupled women don t attempt just because I constantly need to prove that I'm not shit to the world.Thats what's shit for me.
Bessie, I completely get the overcompensating-when me and dd so things they are BIG things.
However, as I have been laid off and am now faced with the first full 6 weeks of my daughter (4yo) since ahe was 9 months... I am petrified. I have no idea. She loves the park, I hate it. I love swimming, she hates it.
I don't know what to do. It is awful. I want to make this a special time for us-I am p/t job hunting so it may not even last the full 6 weeks.
I feel shit because if there were a dad we could so family things where all the pressure to entertain wouldn't be on me when I just don't know what to do.
Your local sure start centre will have a range of free or very cheap activities going on all summer that's a good start.Local parks play centres etc have good activities as well.You need to be brave and go along a couple of times then you will get to know people and it gets easier.
The activities I end up getting involved with are not that costly just time consuming and my problem is not saying no I know it's my problem but I constantly feel that I'm proving something what and to who is anyone's guess.
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