I am a contact blocker

(56 Posts)
daisy0chain Mon 17-Mar-14 19:31:42

Obviously I am since my DD doesn't see her Dad.

Ooooor it could be that he's a waster who wants nothing to do with her! I have just been told that I deliberately block contact by ExHs family member.

Why is it that even though as the single parent doing everything, paying for everything, still working and basically doing the bloody best I can I am still viewed as the one in the wrong?

And then there is my ex who is probably pissed in a ditch, who doesn't pay a penny towards his child and rarely (if ever) actually works. The same man who turned up to contact drunk, the same man who said he doesn't care one bit for our child, the same bloody man that has done nothing for her in the almost 3 years since she was born.

Anyone else feel that no matter what you do there will always be those who despite all the evidence to the contrary will blame you?

Rant over (sorry!)

NigellasDealer Mon 17-Mar-14 19:35:47

oh i have always been one of those too daisy, despite bringing them at my expense to meet him week after week...sometimes waiting and waiting while he decided whether or not to turn up..
no that is a figment of our tortured imaginations, actually I always prevented him from seeing his children
so much easier than actually engaging and doing any parenting isn't it?

daisy0chain Mon 17-Mar-14 19:46:02

It isn't like we just woke up one morning and said "do you know what I fancy being for the rest of my life? A single Mum".

It's bloody hard. I wouldn't change one bit of my daughters access or lack of access now because of his previous actions but I tried time and time again to establish and support contact. Every time it was thrown right back.

I know some RP are awkward about access but I really can't imagine that all that many do it just for the sake of it.

Oooh she's annoyed me.

NigellasDealer Mon 17-Mar-14 19:48:43

oh do not worry, my ex's sister just parrots what he says too even though she knows full well he is an arse - I just do not talk to any of them, makes life easier you know?
flowers

mumandboys123 Mon 17-Mar-14 19:48:59

don't get me started...although my ex now has regular contact, at one point he disappeared and we didn't hear a word from him until a letter one day dropped through the letterbox telling me he wanted contact after I had been so unreasonable for the previous 6 months not allowing him to see the children. He disappeared - sent me an e-mail saying he was moving and that he'd let me know when he was able to see the children again.

mumandboys123 Mon 17-Mar-14 19:50:00

arrggghhhh...didnt' mean to post - was jumped on! Yes, it's always our fault they can't be bothered, isn't it?! I just ignore it, let it go over my head and acknowledge what an idiot he is.

LadyMaryLikesCake Mon 17-Mar-14 19:51:48

On, I'm a 'contact blocker' too. I just ignore it and get on with raising ds. He has our contact details so hey ho. He turns up hungover every 18 months and expects to see ds for an hour in between all of his other plans. The last time he turned up he ended up shouting and swearing in ds's face (in the middle of the city centre!) so ds didn't want to see him. This, of course, was my fault hmm I really don't care what he tells people now, just as long as ds is OK that's all I'm bothered about.

He still has to pay maintenance though, why should our child go without when he has two houses, monthly holidays etc. I had to go to court for it mind, when ds decided not to see him he stopped paying. The court didn't care and doubled his contribution grin

NigellasDealer Mon 17-Mar-14 19:53:06

how did you get to use the court ladymary? i thought it was CSA or nothing?

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 19:55:55

Me too.

Notwithstanding violence to DD/police involvement/social services/ supervised contact ( supervised by muggins here ), therapeutic work for abusive dads/ parenting courses ordered by SS and a gradual court overseen reintroduction of unsupervised contact.

But in the imaginary world of Ex, OW and OWs family, none of that happened and poor diddums contact was blocked by evil psycho Ex wife wink
At the end of the day though, you know the truth .

LadyMaryLikesCake Mon 17-Mar-14 19:56:21

He's not in the UK (moved 10 years ago because he was bored). The CSA don't have jurisdiction so I had to file a REMO. smile

NigellasDealer Mon 17-Mar-14 19:57:09

aah i see....well you got a result so good grin

daisy0chain Mon 17-Mar-14 19:59:34

If I'm honest it's not that she said it that annoyed me. Just that I know that she know's it's not true a ridiculous. Some people eh pfffft.

Well fellow contact blockers it's nice to know I'm not alone grin

stubbornstains Mon 17-Mar-14 20:01:05

Well, at the end of the day, these wankers didn't appear from nowhere. They will often have been encouraged to bloom into full wankerhood by their dysfunctional families. So, no surprises if you get some completely barking odd responses from said families....sad

LadyMaryLikesCake Mon 17-Mar-14 20:01:25

Yup. I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall when he was told the good news grin He hasn't bothered to make any attempt to pay the arrears off though so back to court he goes! His family backed him up when he stopped paying, he told them that he didn't think I was grateful for his contribution [nosmileyforfuckofftwatheadex]

Honestly, your child is better off without. One loving parent tops one loving parent and a twat. smile

NigellasDealer Mon 17-Mar-14 20:01:50

good point stains; very good.

LadyMaryLikesCake Mon 17-Mar-14 20:04:33

They probably use the 'contact block' as an excuse not to pay maintenance. Stains is right, they come from dysfunctional families who back them up (I know mine does).

DollyTwat Mon 17-Mar-14 20:06:04

I'm one too
Despite the fact at the last court hearing he asked for no contact order
He's now concerned that contact has broken down

His family all think it's me stoping contact

NigellasDealer Mon 17-Mar-14 20:06:39

exactly what mine did ladymary, the imaginary contact block = no money.
the fact that it occurred at the same time as his second marriage was purely co-incidental i am sure.

LadyMaryLikesCake Mon 17-Mar-14 20:07:18

Oh, Dolly! confused

Peacesword Mon 17-Mar-14 20:08:57

I'll join you. I'm also a contact blocker.

And that involves me asking him if he'd like to see her and him saying "I'm not being your child care".

He stopped working after an accident and I asked if he wanted to see her after school. His answer was "why"? And then "no".

He didn't see her for over a month and that was my fault as I cancelled his weekend. I didn't, he rang me to say they were doing something that weekend and didn't want dd tagging along.

And now he and his gf are blaming me for making them homeless. They'll have around £40k and another property between them when the marital home sells.

They're hilarious.

LadyMaryLikesCake Mon 17-Mar-14 20:09:38

Ah, gotcha, Nigella.

There needs to be a special kind of punishment for people like this. I'm in favour of the stocks and some rotten food sod human rights

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 20:12:25

Are any of you contact blockers 'parental alienators' as well ?
That was Exs buzz word for a while.

daisy0chain Mon 17-Mar-14 20:13:01

Yup, 100% dysfunctional, don't know why I'm surprised actually.

The rage is passing smile

daisy0chain Mon 17-Mar-14 20:14:06

monet don't think my ex could stay sober long enough to get that jazzy little catch phrase out grin

LadyMaryLikesCake Mon 17-Mar-14 20:14:18

Remind us what a 'parental alienator' is. Is that when you turn your dc against the other parent although they are capable of doing this without help

Great to hear, daisy smile wine?

NigellasDealer Mon 17-Mar-14 20:15:25

i like 'parental alienator' it has a certain reptilian ring to it......

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 20:17:45

Yeah that's it Lady. I think I managed to parenterally alienate Ex once when he was over 100miles away with the kids. Fell out with DD over a game of monopoly ( he's obsessed with cheating winning) The row was my fault apparently. Part of my grand master plan to alienate the alien grin

LadyMaryLikesCake Mon 17-Mar-14 20:18:04

Wow, there's web sites for it! I've no idea whether I am or not, I haven't heard. I think I'm just a money grabbing contact blocker not that I give a shit .

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 20:20:36

LadyMary 'I' am the proud owner of a dossier of emails from alienator websites. Ex sent them regularly for a while. He took some copies to court once. That was memorable. I've never seen a judge turn purple before grin

daisy0chain Mon 17-Mar-14 20:23:28

Haha oh yes money grabbing - that's me too, except I get no CM confused

Some of these have made me laugh. Monet you must be bloody good to have engineered that one!

LadyMaryLikesCake Mon 17-Mar-14 20:23:57

grin Excellent!

Do none of these knob head's see that they are the problem? (I'm not alienating him here, ds isn't reading this)

LadyMaryLikesCake Mon 17-Mar-14 20:25:20

Can the CSA not help, daisy? They should take a token £5 out of his JSA. They can add up over time and you can treat your DD.

daisy0chain Mon 17-Mar-14 20:34:37

He works cash in hand occasionally or if what I am lead to believe is correct is making money of some illegal extra curricular activities so he isn't claiming JSA.

He has been working the last couple of weeks and CMS have tracked down his work place however if the past is anything to go on he'll be back not working in a week or two.

stubbornstains Mon 17-Mar-14 20:34:39

I'm not quite a "parental alienator"- instead, I'm an unwilling protagonist in Great Works of Fiction.

Oh.....so you made a little wooden car for DS's first birthday, and left it on our doorstep, did you? Only to find it in a charity shop in a nearby town a couple of weeks later (insert sadface)?

Funny, because you arranged to meet up and have a talk with my mum (you remember, when she became disgusted with your lies and attempts to badmouth me to her, and walked out?) a couple of days after this alleged occurrence, and completely failed to mention it...

LadyMaryLikesCake Mon 17-Mar-14 20:41:49

What you need to do is some detective work, daisy. Is he showing pictures of his new purchases on facebook? If so you can report him to the CSA for having a lifestyle inconsistent with his income (it means he's pulling a fast one). They can do a variation on the amount that they should deduct from his income to take his hidden income into account.

Mine's a Great Work of Fiction too! grin According to his mother he only stopped paying maintenance for a few months (more like a year and a half), after this he set up a bank account for ds and it's all there for him (which is why we're waiting for the arrears). I think they are all fiction writers in a way.

DollyTwat Mon 17-Mar-14 20:42:48

Oh I'm the cause of all of the awful things my ex has done to my dc, making it my fault they don't like him

He likes to call Social Services on a regular basis too, because I'm an awful mother. They surprisingly never have any actions.

He's a laugh a minute my ex

DollyTwat Mon 17-Mar-14 20:44:05

It's quite cathartic this thread, thank you op

daisy0chain Mon 17-Mar-14 20:45:32

The good thing is the CMS didn't even need that. They estimated his earning by what he did before and they have been accruing at approx £54 a week. Not sure what the new income is yet and if it's changed but the arrears stay the same.

I'm an unwilling protagonist in Great Works of Fiction grin I like this.

daisy0chain Mon 17-Mar-14 20:46:55

You are very welcome Dolly it's been a rather therapeutic evening after that phone call. Sometimes all that's need is a good moan with people in a similar situation to yourself isn't it?

NigellasDealer Mon 17-Mar-14 20:48:24

oh yes dolly when our children were small, he would phone and tell me that he was coming say, at 12 on saturday. The little ones would get all excited, come 1pm there would be no sign and he would switch off his phone.
then they would get all upset, so that was a fun afternoon.
then perhaps the next day when his phone was back on again, i would say to him 'why did you let them down yesterday?'
"oh no" he would say, "it was YOU who let them down as it was YOU who told them i was coming!"

and they kind of remember all this! and yet when he sees them (about once every 2 years) he tells them that 'always prevented him seeing them'
angry

NigellasDealer Mon 17-Mar-14 20:48:48

*that I always prevented etc...

daisy0chain Mon 17-Mar-14 20:51:34

Eugh what a bloody horrible excuse for a parent he sounds Nigella.

I am glad in a way that my ex has no contact at all. It means he'll never let her down in that way.

My heart breaks for those little kids left waiting.

NigellasDealer Mon 17-Mar-14 20:53:54

actually it was tragic for them sad yes your dd will not have that which is good.
of course anything 'wrong' with my kids now is all my fault according to school, him, my family, his family.....

daisy0chain Mon 17-Mar-14 20:56:55

Of course. It's so easy to blame the one who has actually been there and done all the hard graft isn't it. Maybe if they walked a day in your shoes they would realise how difficult it can be for someone trying their best to navigate parenthood alone.

LadyMaryLikesCake Mon 17-Mar-14 21:03:26

Mine would turn up... with a day's notice (he doesn't live in the UK), to see ds for an hour. If we already had plans he'd demand that we cancelled them so that he could see ds. We had paid for train tickets and had organised a day in London a few years ago and he called the night before demanding to see ds. It was my fault for being busy. confused He's always hungover and stinks of stale beer. He's fallen asleep in the cinema with ds before too. I'm quite happy ds is old enough to make his own decisions.

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 22:16:07

The script rarely varies much sad

LadyMaryLikesCake Mon 17-Mar-14 22:33:56

sad Roll on a child's independence, that's the only way we don't have to see muppets like this again (the ex's, not the DC).

I hope you're OK, Monet thanks

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 17-Mar-14 23:04:28

I'm a contact blocker as I said it had to be supervised after DD revealed to school CP officer that he and OW were verbally abusing her when they were drunk.
I have alienated DD too as he never drinks when he has her, so your drink driving arrest and subsequent conviction with DD in the car which is on court record is a figment of the court's imagination?
Also I revealed to DD why we split, which was my decision too. Umm no I told you to leave after you supposedly tried to fix our relationship, but refused to give up OW. Oh and the reason DD knows why we split is that you and OW had a 'sleepover' with DD there 5 days after you left.
Don't forget that OW trusts you so little that she hasn't allowed you to spend any time alone with DD in 18months she has to be there all the time. And all of this is my fault. Oh and I caused you to loose your job after the DD conviction.

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 23:05:30

I'm fine thank you smile

It's good to share experiences with others going through similar. Just a shame we spend our lives picking up the pieces for our babies.

SpinningFates Mon 17-Mar-14 23:25:47

My DSis sent a letter to her ex to sort out contact. He wrote back a nasty letter stating that "there was no court in the land that could stop him seeing his son".

Dsis and DN haven't seen him over twenty years.

MeMySonAndI Tue 18-Mar-14 01:07:08

Me too, apparently, easier to say I'm blocking contact than to explain he is a rubbish dad.

With time, I have stopped caring what people think or says.

LadyMaryLikesCake Tue 18-Mar-14 10:38:15

There's only so much you can hide from your children, they will realise what a twat the nrp is but it's still not nice. My son used to get upset because he thought I didn't want him around either sad He seems OK at the moment but it's taken a hell of a lot of reassurance and time. The teachers at his school are mostly male so he can have some positive male role models in his life so I do my best but how do you explain to a kid why their father hasn't bothered to contact them or send them a Christmas card though? The maintenance was bad enough as he used to pay it into ds's account, not mine. I couldn't hide it when he stopped paying and ds would ask why his dad didn't want him to eat sad It goes into my account now, thank goodness but the damage to their relationship has already been made.

It takes a real narcissist to blame others for their problems. Our children are probably better off without to be honest. There's a lot of wonderful absent parents out there who play a huge role in their children's lives so we've just been unlucky (but had a lucky escape wink)

daisy0chain Tue 18-Mar-14 13:18:06

Completely agree Lady, my DD 2.8 and is already starting to ask questions about Daddy. I'm dreading the day she actually understands what she is asking. I already know it's going to be a fine line between omitting the information you really don't want them to know and lying.

I won't lie to my DD but I can honestly say I can't ever see there being a day where I tell her the whole truth either. Some of the things that have happened and some of what has been said would break any childs heart, irrespective of age.

This does piss me off though. So many get accused of turning children against the NRP when in actual fact we are doing our best to protect our kids and in turn cover up the worst of the NRP behaviour.

I have a slightly different problem to you, my ExHs Mum buys gifts for my DD from him (or at the very least she plays a big part in getting them). I don't know how to explain (when the time comes) why she get's a gift or card when he shows no interest in her in RL. It would be different if she remembered him but she will never remember him so what's the point? I just think it's a twice yearly reminder of someone who should play a huge role in her life and chose not too.

It's like a minefield sometimes.

LadyMaryLikesCake Tue 18-Mar-14 14:24:12

sad All you can do is love her and tell her that she's wanted. It's hard for them, I know it is because I see it, but it really helps to know that they do have a family (your family) who love her. I've kept loads from ds, he doesn't need to know what's gone on and it would serve no purpose other than to upset him more. The NRP see's what they want to see, it's their way to justify (to themselves and others) what a tosspot they are.

We moved house a couple of years ago to be closer to school. We're 15 minutes from our old house and his gran (ex's mum) hasn't been to see us once. Ds is at a private school which I pay for and I work my fingers to the bone to keep him there and give him the stability and for some reason she posted a newspaper advert to us for a boarding school last year. She sent it at a time when his father wasn't paying maintenance so it was a slap in the face for all that I was trying to do. Ds's grandfather had a stroke 6 years ago and the 'family' refuse to tell us where he is so ds can't see him. Any cards/letters have to be sent to them hmm which I don't think they pass on. He used to see ds monthly before his stroke so he's missed a great deal. There's huge 'issues' with this family.

daisy0chain Tue 18-Mar-14 14:40:53

God sounds horrible.

Well done you for working hard to give your son what you want for him though. Must feel like an achievement to have accomplished that. smile

LadyMaryLikesCake Tue 18-Mar-14 14:49:22

They are a nightmare not easy.

Ds is a lovely boy, he's still hard work sometimes but he's mostly considerate and helpful. He's the sort of boy who helps old ladies up off the floor if they have fallen in the street. Your DD will be wonderful as she'll have you. I think it's mostly nurture, not nature. It may seem scary now but be honest with her if she wants to know something. Children are bright and will put 2 and 2 together by themselves and will come to their own conclusion about things.

thanks

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now