i need some advice about my new relationship and my daughter

(86 Posts)
lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 14:33:32

can any one give me some advice about my new relationship. do you think it was too early for my boyfriend to meet my daughter only after a month. my daughter loves him. and her dad did the same. so im confused her dad cant say nothing as he did the same. but i would like someones views on it. no negative comments please

IneedAwittierNickname Tue 10-Dec-13 15:28:18

Personally I think a month is too soon.

sutekidane Tue 10-Dec-13 15:30:04

Definitely too soon.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 16:12:53

Ok I came on here once and I got all this judgement about my daughter meeting my exs girlfriend. Got told I had no say init

OddFodd Tue 10-Dec-13 16:14:47

Well you don't have any say in what your ex does. But you doing the same as him doesn't make it suddenly okay. If he had come on and asked the same question, then he'd have been told the same thing confused

sutekidane Tue 10-Dec-13 16:38:12

You don't have a say in it. He's doing it too soon too but you can't control him unfortunately. You can control yourself and put your dd first though even when he doesn't do the same. Or you can play tit for tat with him and ignore your dd's needs.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 17:20:20

Im not ignoring her needs!. She always comes first. My dd loves my boyfriend

FalalalalalalaFiggy Tue 10-Dec-13 17:23:00

So she already knows him?? How old is she?

And yes it's too early

girliefriend Tue 10-Dec-13 17:24:27

I think 3 months is about right, after a month you are still in the getting to know each phase. I would be worried as wouldn't want dd to get attached then decide he isn't for me after all iyswim?

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 17:25:56

i dont have any contact with my ex because of what he did to me 4 years ago.
and yes i do but to be honest my boyfriend would meet my dd soon as he lives up the road from me. and walks past my house.
he has a dd himself.
his dad has asked me to go and meet his dd with him as his dd lives ages away and my boyfriend has just come out of hospital after getting hit by a car. he cares for my dd aswel.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 17:26:55

yes she knows him and ive been speaking to him for about a year.

sutekidane Tue 10-Dec-13 17:27:01

Your dd loves your boyfriend? Exactly my point. Say this relationship falls apart. You meet a new man. They meet after a month. She loves him. It falls apart. You meet a new man. They meet after a month. She loves him. It falls apart. Do you see the issue? At a month you have no clue at all whether its going to last so introducing your children to a man at that point is irresponsible. Obviously you never know if a relationship will last but the longer you wait the better idea you will have.

But nothing we say will change your opinion because you've obviously already decided if your ex does it you will too.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 17:27:22

my dd is 4 years old.

GwirionBost Tue 10-Dec-13 17:28:59

I've been thinking a lot about this recently, because I'm in this situation. The key for me is that I need to know BF isn't going to be a short-term, fleeting thing- I don't want to introduce him to DC only to have him disappear. I am thinking of introducing them around February, and by then I will have been with him for 6 months.

lunar1 Tue 10-Dec-13 17:31:38

Far too soon, children get attached so quickly. Introducing her so soon is unfair

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 17:31:52

this is the first time ive been in a relationship in 4 years after splitting with my dds dad. because he thought he could control me and stop me getting in a new relationship.
im trying my best and i did talk to my boyfriend about that!!
and ive spoke to my dd about it too.
she loves him because he plays with her and i dont ever hear that her dad has sat down and plays with her over the weekends he has my dd.

sutekidane Tue 10-Dec-13 17:35:13

Waiting four years before having a relationship does not make the four week thing any better or make your daughter any less attached to someone she has known four weeks. I can't believe there are people out there who think that is okay. It boggles me everytime something like this gets posted.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 17:38:13

I didnt say that did I! I didnt want negative comments! My bf wasnt ment to meet my dd cant help if he saw me in town but my dd doesn't know we are in a relationship

sutekidane Tue 10-Dec-13 17:40:05

You're going to get negative comments of the only sane answer to your questions involves being negative. She loves him and he plays with her but he's only seen her in town? Yeah, okay then hmm.

sutekidane Tue 10-Dec-13 17:40:26

If*

KellyHopter Tue 10-Dec-13 17:41:46

"I need some advice..."
What advice is it you want?

Lots of people think it's a bit shit to introduce a young child to a new partner so quickly, it's certainly my opinion.

But you've done it and seem pretty adamant that you're doing nothing wrong so that's that then isn't it? Lots of people would agree with you btw, I'm sure they'll be here soon to tell you to 'ignore the haterz hun, your a gr8 mummy' if that's what you want.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 17:42:29

Thats when he met her omg sod this wont bother coming back on this!!!

IneedAwittierNickname Tue 10-Dec-13 17:43:17

What did you want then? For.us to all say "yay well done fab idea" confused

PatriciaHolm Tue 10-Dec-13 17:44:01

Why did you ask if you didn't want negative comments? Surely you must have had some idea that, actually, introducing them so early wasn't a good idea?

sutekidane Tue 10-Dec-13 17:45:36

So he met her in town for the first time at four weeks. When did he start playing with her and spending time with her?

absentmindeddooooodles Tue 10-Dec-13 17:57:28

I knew my now dp as a friend months and months before we got togwthwr. My ds met him in that capacitymany times before we began evwn thinking about a relationship. But I still didnt show any signs of us being "together" until maybe 3 months in. That for me was waaaaay too soon as it was. But a few things happened that meant it was the right time.

I think its a very individual decision, but you have to be sure!! 4 weeks is no time at all!

Not teying to preach as I cant really say much but honestly speaking feom similar experience its so unfair to gwt a child attached to a new partner after a matter of weeks. Luckily dp and I are firmly togetjer and he hasa fab relationship with ds ( not a father role as his dad is very much on the scene) but it could have been adifferwnt story and ds would have been devestated to loose dp!

WhatEverZen Tue 10-Dec-13 18:12:17

Your dd loves him...after such a short time? Please listen to what youre saying. Are you encouraging your dd to think this way

Children do form attachments quickly but this shouldnt be forced or rushed. Your dd could end up being hurt here

KingRollo Tue 10-Dec-13 18:12:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:20:27

Yeah ok thats my mistake w.e we all make mistakes.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:20:47

Not like I can change it now!

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:23:46

Im not rushing my dd into anything.
She keeps talking about him!.
Asking where he is.
What he is doing ect...

wannaBe Tue 10-Dec-13 18:25:43

the reality is that you don't know whether it's too soon until you know whether or not the relationship will last iyswim. So you could introduce her after four weeks and you could spend the rest of your lives together, in which case the point at which you introduced them is irrelevant really. but the thing is that you won't know that until you either stay together or don't, so you need to think about the likelihood of a relationship being serious after just four weeks, which tbh you don't know, so it's best to wait until you are certain of your position within that relationship iyswim.

My ds was introduced to my now dp after six weeks through the instigation of my xh. For me it was far too soon - I had no intentions of introducing them for several months, but xh told me that ds had a right to know I was seeing someone and that if I didn't tell him, he would so I had no choice. But at that stage we were still early into a relationship and if it hadn't worked and ds had become attached I would have been the one left to pick up the pieces.

The thing is that the deed is done now and your dd has met your bf. so what you now need to do is exercise some damage limitation until you know whether this relationship is likely to last. so perhaps don't encourage excessive contact, make it more about your friendship than anything else, she's four, she doesn't need to know that he's your boyfriend for instance.

Only time will give you the answer on this one really, but if you take things slowly then you can limit the upset to your dd if things don't work out long-term.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:28:37

Well she likes him then. And he thinks the world of her aswel.
And he dont play the father role at all he wouldn't come ever as he knows. I wouldn't let that happen.
I was in this situation before with my dds dad. Didn't think it was gonna work. This was before dd was born. And its was when she was born it started to fall apart. ive told him I wouldn't want him to just disappear out of her life if it was to worse was to happen. He said that won't happen.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:32:01

We are taking things slowly. And my dd doesnt know we are together I dont show affection infront of her and he understands that. In my dds eyes we are just friends that care for each other.

Casmama Tue 10-Dec-13 18:32:37

He can't possibly promise this one month in!

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:34:44

We spoke about it a couple of times.

Casmama Tue 10-Dec-13 18:35:05

What do you want from this thread OP?

You can't turn back time, they have met. I would limit he time they spend together and get to know him Better yourself before increasing the time they spend together.

Also don't expect them to love each other

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:37:21

They don't spend that much time together.
And im always getting to know him .
Ive been talking to him for about a year or so.

CheckedPjs Tue 10-Dec-13 18:37:50

It's up to you!

I got judged on here by a lot of MNers for knowing someone for a year, then letting him meet my LO and it's been 4 months.

Just do what's right for you.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:38:45

Thanks.

Rosencrantz Tue 10-Dec-13 18:40:20

I don't understand. If your daughter has met him, and like him - you have already introduced the boyfriend and your daughter.

It doesn't matter if she knows what your official relationship status is... She's met a man who mummy likes and is attached.

Damage is already done.

OP... I think most people ask this question before the DD meets the man at all, not before he is introduced as 'mummy's boyfriend.' Your priorities seem in the wrong order if you ask me.

WhatEverZen Tue 10-Dec-13 18:43:43

You've had some good advice on here about how to deal with things given that your dd and bf have met.. I hope you're able to work things out. . Good luck OP

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:43:49

Yeah ok w.e judgement again.
I know alot of people that do more damage than this to their kids.
That bring a new man in every week.
So what do you think the damage is there?.
Its my mistake and tbh I will learn from it if I think this is not going to work.

CheckedPjs Tue 10-Dec-13 18:45:20

Lilworthy

Just don't worry about it. You care for your LO and you love her.

Most people will tell you that you don't care about your LO and that your only wanting a man and your priorities are wrong but your asking to be judged by a bunch of woman that wouldn't know you if you wore a name tag.

If they've met once then just carry on with your normal life, maybe arrange a play date type thing at a local soft play where she can meet new kids as well as interact with your partners DC

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:45:37

Yeah but most people of here think my bf and my dd spend alot of time together but they don't and she likes him

sutekidane Tue 10-Dec-13 18:46:33

Even if she doesn't know you are a couple, she still loves him. She's attached already. How long after she "met" him did he begin playing with her? How can they not spend much time together but she loves him? It's all a bit drip drip contradictory really.

Rosencrantz Tue 10-Dec-13 18:47:09

'The damage' is a term meaning the effects. The effects you are concerned about have already happened, is what I'm saying. Whether those effects will be positive or negative in the long run, no one knows.

Also OP, you cannot ever justify your choices by saying other people do worse. A murderer that kills one person isn't good in comparison to a serial killer. They both are bad.

Why did you ask what people thought if you didn't want to hear honest opinions? Which is all any of these posts are btw - opinions - they don't matter whatsoever in the grand scheme of how you parent your children.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:47:13

Thanks. And that it what we are sorting out.

CheckedPjs Tue 10-Dec-13 18:50:25

If they've only met once, it's nothing major.

Just tell her he's out, working, busy etc. People learn by their mistakes it doesn't make you a bad mother so don't worry.

As long as your not acting all lovely in front of her like you said you haven't then you're just friends..

I personally will see a friend once a week for a couple of weeks then they have to work for a while so i don't see them again. My LO doesn't forget him at all, isn't emotionally scared etc.

Don't worry

CheckedPjs Tue 10-Dec-13 18:51:32

Opinions - they don't matter whatsoever in the grand scheme of how you parent your children.

This!

I think dont worry too much about introducing him as such, in her eyes hes already yours (and hers) friend, so I would just leave it at that and let it develop naturally. She doesnt need to know anything else at the moment does she, he can come for tea and watch tv and such as mummies friend. The word `boyfriend` wont actually mean much to her really.

I would hold off with him staying over for a while, too protect you as much as her in an early relationship.

You`ve obviously been cautious during the last few years, little and gently is the way forward.

Good luck and enjoy your new relationship.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:55:49

Thanks

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:58:35

That is true. And that's all she does think.
I dont like to be maded to feel bad about it.
Hes met her twice because he came round for a brew and then he went after a while.

KellyHopter Tue 10-Dec-13 18:59:22

So we're all making the mistake of thinking they spend lots of time together- but it's you who's saying your daughter loves him and he has promised not to disappear out of her life. After a month hmm

Look, do what you want, you're a grown up, it's one of the perks. But there is no reason at all for your dd to be involved in this at all, a new relationship can be formed and tested without your dd being a part of it at this early stage. Lots of people seem to need immediate intensity and full-on living in pockets type stuff and I imagine its hard to do that without involving the child/ren.

I know of only two people in rl who introduce kids so early. It's never been the 'one' though they always think it is, but one of many and just another part of general fucked up-ness.

But if it feels right and normal to you then there's nothing anyone else can say to you that will make you think twice.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 19:00:38

But after that he hasn't been round because hes been in hospital after being hit by a car. But me and him are taking it slowly.
I told him that before I got into a relationship with him

OddFodd Tue 10-Dec-13 19:18:55

Nothing you say is consistent.

He's only met her a couple of times in the street.
He's come round for a brew a couple of times.
He loves her and she loves him.

Which of these statements is true? Because they can't all be.

I think you might get a more sympathetic hearing on nethuns.

CheckedPjs Tue 10-Dec-13 19:22:54

Maybe they met a couple of times in the street and he then came over for a drink?

Children love everything, do they mean love love? I doubt it. My son loves our christmas tree is he going to be emotionally distressed once it's gone in January I very much doubt it!

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 19:25:42

Thank you checkedpjs

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 19:28:59

My dds dads gf has walked out of her after only a few months of spending time with my dd and shes fine with it. Not fair on my dd ovb

sutekidane Tue 10-Dec-13 19:29:01

I think it's all a bit bonkers to be up in arms when your ex did this but now it's you, it's a-okay. Hope you apologise to your ex for any drama back when it was him introducing too early.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 19:30:56

Im not saying its okay thanks.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 19:32:50

I do not have any contact with my dds dad!!

JanineStHubbins Tue 10-Dec-13 19:32:57

Are you going to introduce your new boyfriend to your ex, OP?

sutekidane Tue 10-Dec-13 19:34:37

Calm down. I don't know the ins and outs of your life. All I know is you started a raging thread when he introduced a woman to your dd too early but it's you, it's not too early at all.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 19:34:43

My exs family and himself said they dont care and dont want to meet any partner I have

OddFodd Tue 10-Dec-13 19:35:01

What a pointless thread. You don't want advice, you want affirmation (which means you want to be told that you're absolutely in the right).

In future, I'd wait but what's done is done.

sutekidane Tue 10-Dec-13 19:35:05

Now it's you*

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 19:36:53

What you mean and yes I did. And I spoke to his family about that. Ive always said If my ex wants to meet my new boyfriend he is more than welcome too. But the only reply I got was they dont care what I do and they wouldn't want to meet him!. What do you mean its not to early at all??

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 19:38:32

And no I dont I just wanted abit of advice and peoples views not negative comments against me. Like you said what is done is done!.

JanineStHubbins Tue 10-Dec-13 19:40:00

OP, she means that ironically, given that you raged about your ex introducing your dd to his girlfriend when they had been together for 'under a year', you seem to think that introducing your dd to your boyfriend after four weeks is perfectly acceptable. There is a contradiction there, don't you see?

sutekidane Tue 10-Dec-13 19:41:36

You moaned when your ex introduced his girlfriend to your dd when he'd only been with her a few months.
Now you are introducing your boyfriend four weeks after getting with him.

When he did it, you thought it was too early.
When you did it, you think it's not too early.

It's just a bit odd really.

KingRollo Tue 10-Dec-13 19:41:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 19:41:54

They were together the same amount of time me and my new boyfriend has been together when he did it.

KingRollo Tue 10-Dec-13 19:41:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KingRollo Tue 10-Dec-13 19:42:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sutekidane Tue 10-Dec-13 19:43:25

Oh. My. God.

That's the point, you donut!

Why did you have a problem when he did it but when you do it, it's okay?

You can't ask for advice but stipulate no negative comments, especially since you interpret not agreeing with you=negative.
You made a bad decision. It was wrong of you. That's my opinion. Don't engage with your dd if she asks about him, play it down, don't be physically affectionate with him in front of her if you happen to bump I to him in town, that's my advice.

JanineStHubbins Tue 10-Dec-13 19:44:54

Well that's not what you posted on your other thread, I'm afraid. It has suddenly gone from 'under a year' to four weeks.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 19:46:21

This was a while ago now.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 19:48:42

I dont anyway.

KingRollo Tue 10-Dec-13 19:48:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sutekidane Tue 10-Dec-13 19:51:19

I think this is all a bit of a bollocks thread really. The other thread says you have had relationships since your ex as he threatened one of them. It also says your ex was with his gf for months before she met your dd not weeks.

Bullshit bullshit bullshit. smile

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 20:40:26

I had one relationship after my dds dad and he did threaten him that was 4 years ago

lunar1 Tue 10-Dec-13 20:43:06

What did you want people to say?

theendoftheendoftheend Tue 10-Dec-13 20:46:55

I think if you've known this guy for a year and he has only met your dd as one of your friends, its no big deal. Just keep it as that for a few months and see how it goes.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 10-Dec-13 20:51:38

Op, your DD meeting your BF after a matter of weeks is too soon.

But you say that she has only met him once in town and he's played with her one time. She doesn't love him. He doesn't love her. The best thing to do is not invite him round again when she is there. Give it at least 3 or 4 months and then re-introduce him slowly. Say once every 4-6 weeks until you have been together for much longer.

Do not risk your DD's happiness and stability. Back off and take it slow.

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