Dc's dad doesn't want to see them anymore

(47 Posts)
17leftfeet Wed 30-Oct-13 23:47:57

For the last 3 years exp has had the dcs alternate weekends

During that time at least one night of the weekend he has been leaving them with various family members while he goes out

He never rings them in between contact

Recently he said the weekends aren't working for him so he wants them a couple of evenings during the week instead

I've told him this won't work for the dcs due to after school activities so he needs to stick to his weekends and he's not happy, says he won't have them

He has a strained relationship with dd1 but dd2 loves seeing him

I feel so sad for them -is there any point even trying to change his mind?

17leftfeet Thu 31-Oct-13 08:29:00


Mumof3xx Thu 31-Oct-13 08:32:38

He could just be saying that so you alter plans and he can have them during the week as he wanted?
How old are the dc?

17leftfeet Thu 31-Oct-13 08:40:18

They are 10&12

Old enough to have a strong opinion about their after school activities

If he only sees them after school where is the quality time? I don't understand his logic

NoComet Thu 31-Oct-13 08:43:55

He wants to see his DCs while still having a full social life by messing up their extra curricular activities?

He's an arse, being a parent doesn't work like that - sorry.

He's also ensuring you don't get quality, weekend child free time and that he doesn't have to organise any days out, spend any money entertain the DCs like he would at a weekend.

Yes, very neat and totally selfish.

17leftfeet Thu 31-Oct-13 08:51:11

So am I doing the right thing saying no?

I feel like its then me preventing him seeing them if I say it's the weekends or nothing

He won't take me to court I know that but I feel like I should be doing more to support the dcs relationship with their dad

If dd1 had the choice she would say she didn't want to see him but that's a bug decision at 12 and I don't want her to make it

noddyholder Thu 31-Oct-13 08:53:05

What about your free weekend though? Can't he just go out alternate weeks?

Hassled Thu 31-Oct-13 08:55:49

"I feel like its then me preventing him seeing them if I say it's the weekends or nothing" - no, he's preventing himself from seeing them. This really really isn't your fault.

17leftfeet Thu 31-Oct-13 09:00:07

I don't get any child free time -I'm either working or have the dcs

Mumof3xx Thu 31-Oct-13 09:15:55

How do your dc feel about this?

Mumof3xx Thu 31-Oct-13 09:16:43

At 11 I was given the option to visit my mother or not

Sometimes I would but not often

I think they are old enough to choose, although it seems he is incapable of being a father which i find very sadsad

It sounds like it's his way or the the highway & anything in the middle isn't good enough so he would rather not bother with the inconviencesad

Your poor children, this will be awful for them to realise

17leftfeet Thu 31-Oct-13 09:27:35

Mum of 3

I haven't told them yet

I've told them their dad wants to see them during the week to which dd1 said 'I'm busy' and dd2 asked if her dad will pick her up after drama group which he won't because its too much faff, he will only pick up from after school club

treadheavily Fri 01-Nov-13 09:07:40

My ex is simikar to yours. Says his one night a week was "too stressful" and would like them one at a time.

Actually he said he would love to have them 24-7 bit it's not realistic, that one each, once a week would work.

I mean, who the hell parents like that?!

Rosencrantz Fri 01-Nov-13 13:05:08

I'd let the kids make the choice. If they say no, tough shit dad.

queenofthepirates Fri 01-Nov-13 13:14:17

Let him cool off for a bit and leave the door open for him to change his mind. I think you need to make the decision for the kids but it does have to be in their best interests and dropping after school activities probably isn't a great idea.

As long as he can come back to you and renegotiate, I think you are doing the right thing.

FWIW, he sounds like a twonk and you sound great xx

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Fri 01-Nov-13 13:19:42

What will it mean for you if he refuses to have them every other weekend? Will you have to pay for childcare so you can work?

17leftfeet Fri 01-Nov-13 13:23:22

It will mean I have to give up my job -weekend childcare just doesn't exist

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Fri 01-Nov-13 13:33:39

You can get weekend childcare - you just need to advertise for a permanent babysitter on childcare.co.uk or ask around locally. Especially given your two really just need an adult in the house, a studying student would be a good, cheap option.

How long before you would consider leaving the girls at home on their own while you go to work?

As for twunt, I'd just keep saying 'No - weekends are the only option'.

17leftfeet Fri 01-Nov-13 13:47:51

I've looked into weekend childcare, I'm out of the house 6.30-5.30 Saturday and 8.30-6 on Sundays, no one is interested in those sorts of hours

I wouldn't want to leave them for that length of time until dd1 is at least 14

Emma19MilWife Fri 01-Nov-13 13:51:14

depends where you are - I do that for one of my friends and its fine - the kids are happy, and everyone gets what they want. Security, entertainment, and I am keen t ensure they dont use the computers etc. Where (roughly to avoid any weird ideas that I might be stalking you) are you?

lunar1 Fri 01-Nov-13 13:54:18

I think if you stopped all their after school activities it wouldn't be long before that didn't suit him either.

17leftfeet Fri 01-Nov-13 14:00:56

I'm in West Yorkshire

I'm too far away from any of the uni towns, I've asked the younger staff at the after school club but they looked at me like I had 2 heads when I said I would need them to start at 6.15am on a Saturday!

They do occasional evening babysitting for me but all day at the weekends? No

I even suggested 1did Saturday and 1 Sunday but they weren't interested

Non of the local childminders work either extended weekday hours or weekends

Emma19MilWife Fri 01-Nov-13 14:11:13

ok, interesting. i live in Harrogate (just outside actually). I am a housewife ( and happy to be so before anyone starts...) and would be more than happy to take care of them. My husband is in the forces, away a lot, including now and without wishing to sound bad, I am happy to do it for nothing. Interested?

DollyTwat Fri 01-Nov-13 14:15:50

17 my ex turned up in court, where I was asking for supervised contact, said he wanted no contact.

I still don't really know how to explain to my dc. Have said he's not well, etc

I guess you can't force these cunts to be dads

17leftfeet Fri 01-Nov-13 14:19:04

Emma that's very kind of you but I really couldn't ask you to do that

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Fri 01-Nov-13 14:22:22

17 - have you offered them the option of staying on the Friday night?

I presume you only work every second weekend - would it be possible to work every Saturday instead and get someone to sleep over & have them every Saturday?

I'm not saying it's easy to find someone, but if you keep advertising, you will find someone - possibly even a Mum trying to earn a few extra quid one day at the weekend.

See - people like Emma smile

17leftfeet Fri 01-Nov-13 14:43:14

I don't have room unfortunately unless they didn't mind sleeping on the sofa

Unfortunately I can't work a fixed day as the person working opposite me would have to do the same which would affect his access with his children

My parents pick up the extra weekends when I'm doing holiday cover etc but they are too far away to do it regularly

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Fri 01-Nov-13 14:48:18

Is this a second job or is this an extra day at your main job?

How catastropic would it be if you had to give it up?

Would you get much more in CSA if he stopped having them every second weekend (I'm guessing not).

Do the girls like any of his relatives enough (the ones who have been babysitting) to spend some weekends with them?

I know it's not the question you asked when you started the thread, but getting this sorted would mean you could tell him to feck off without worrying about your job!

17leftfeet Fri 01-Nov-13 18:06:12

I wish it was a second job -it's my main source of income and losing it would be catastrophic

Unfortunately his family won't babysit for me, only for him

Csa would go up about £30pm he's on minimum wage all be it full time

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Fri 01-Nov-13 21:11:13

Gahhhhhhh - is there any way you could keep your job and not do the weekends? Any possible trade off?

So, if he stops seeing them, his family are happy to stop seeing them are they? Charming.

£30pm <sigh>

He'll just have to keep having them for as long as they can tolerate going, but if I were you, I'd keep advertising for a weekend day babysitter - I know you will find one, people need the money and it's money for jam minding two that age.

17leftfeet Fri 01-Nov-13 21:16:04

I'm already on family friendly hours by just doing day shifts during the week to fit in with school wrap around care

Weekends would be a step too far

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Fri 01-Nov-13 22:11:20

Could the girls share a room and you get an AP?

17leftfeet Fri 01-Nov-13 22:34:38

They could share but I earn less than 25k so it's cost prohibitive

Which is a bit of a vicious circle really

I believe an au pair is circa £80 pw 'pocket money' plus food & increase in bills -is that correct?

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Fri 01-Nov-13 23:58:33

Yes - generally they are but that's for x amount of hours pw etc. What you need is different. You need so little you could get away with offering room & 'board' in exchange for weekend 'childcare' << which is really just 'being in the house for them'.

Prforone Tue 05-Nov-13 00:56:10

17, just want to say I can sympathise with your situation.

My ExH used to see our DD every Sunday and every other Saturday into the Sunday, plus one night in the week. Since meeting his girlfriend, he has now reduced his time with our DD to just every other weekend. Said his previous arrangement was no longer practical. Practical?!? WTAF???

Cue one very upset DD who now thinks her dad would rather spend time with his girlfriend than her hmm

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to make someone a better parent. Just console yourself with the thought that YOU get the majority of quality time, and you're doing everything possible to be there for your DC, even if he isn't stepping up to the mark.

17leftfeet Tue 05-Nov-13 07:40:04

We've had quite a funny development

He's said he will continue to have them weekends if I provide all clothes /food etc while they are there and he stops paying maintenance

I obviously wasn't agreeing to that so he's now told me to appoint a solicitor as he is going for full custody

I'm finding that statement pretty funny

I'm looking for a m-f job, my parents have said they will have them at weekends while I'm looking and if a swap my mortgage to interest only then I'll manage

starlight1234 Tue 05-Nov-13 12:50:49

What a game player...

Let him go to a solicitor and see how they laugh him out the office

Lionessnurturingcubs Wed 06-Nov-13 12:19:51

These "men" (I use the term loosely) are of a certain kind. My ex was the same, and then terminated all contact.
Do not be trapped into giving up anything.
I think you need to prepare yourself that your ex is probably building up to terminating the contact too. They look for excuses, invent all kind of ridiculous excuses why it's not working, and no matter what you do or offer, it won't work. They then fight for residency - when you know they don't want it. They won't get it, but then they can walk away with their heads held high that they "tried for the children but they just couldn't take it anymore." it will inevitably be all your fault. After many years of this crap, my DCs and I have never been happier. Youngest does ask occasionally, and I just say "not sure why he hasn't phoned, why he isn't taking you. Maybe's he's busy, ill, etc." I am long past making excuses or covering up for him. Oldest one now simply thinks father is an utter twat!
Get everything in place now, as I did, so that you don't need to rely on him. I also worked weekends but you can do it. Get an au pair and you can get child tax credits to subsidise - your kids will love being in their own home with a young adult who can play with them.

MeMySonAndI Sun 10-Nov-13 17:33:02

Full custody? Let him apply for it, I'm sure he won't, he is just trying to scare you into submission.

My ex was the same and eventually stopped seeing DS all together. It hurt me more than it hurt DS. I was horrified that he didn't want more contact but with time I realised DS was much better away of his dad. It took me 3 years to accept it but it was a blessing in disguise. He was not tgat bothered at Ds, Ds could clearly notice it, so it was more stressfull and hurtful for DS to spend time with him :-(

maryannmarie Sun 10-Nov-13 17:42:34

What is it with people who think they can act this way? He sounds like an absolute nightmare. Whatever you do, don't give in to him. Sounds like he's just trying to play mind games with you.

RandomMess Sun 10-Nov-13 17:51:35

TBH that is really funny isn't it!

I don't want them, I want them but I don't want to pay for them, I want them full time but you'll have to pay me then...

confused he's so silly.

feelinlucky Sun 10-Nov-13 17:57:05

Hi op, sorry you're going through this. I imagine it's incredibly stressful and sad. I spent years trying to get my ex to patent but ultimately he's not interested in anyone but himself. Don't waste any energy on this poor excuse for a 'man'. Do what's right for you and the kids, expect nothing, rely on him for zilch. You and the kids will just fine.

He's got a new girlfriend I suppose. He's being the Mr Lovely - talking to her about what a bitch of an ex you are, controlling, bitter...blah blah.

He's doing it all to impress her.

That's my guess.

You need to have a contact order in place.

17leftfeet Sun 10-Nov-13 20:15:49

No girlfriend

Strangely when he has a girlfriend he's nice as pie -it's when he's single he causes problems

Ok. Contact order all the way.

Lionessnurturingcubs Sun 10-Nov-13 21:24:53

Strangely when he has a girlfriend he's nice as pie -it's when he's single he causes problems

That was my experience too. When he had found a potential girlfriend he was too busy trying to impress, woo, and make them believe what awonderful a father/man tosser he is, that we got left in peace. When the relationship predictably fell apart, he made our lives misery. He thrives on drama - and if there isn't any, he has to create it. Once I realised this and stopped rising to his ridiculous demands he got bored with us and left. He will no doubt be creating drama with his new wife now. winesmile

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