Just found out tonight my husband is in another country for work and he says I am being unreasonable because I am upset because he didn't tell me!

(32 Posts)
trumphy Tue 17-Sep-13 21:57:44

I messaged him today about some money stuff and he repiled "I can't find my hotel". Well I was bemused, "what?" I said. He said "I'm in Barcelona and I can't remember where my hotel is". The last he told me was that he was working on check in at the airport! He then swore at me and made out I was unreasonable because I was pissed that he hadn't let me know he was out of the country! We have kids for goodness sake. He doesn't have to fill me in on details of his every minute but for goodness sake I don't think it's unreasonable to know where he is so I can contact him incase of emergency!? I am soooooo mad right now I can't sleep. Help me please. xxxx

purplewithred Tue 17-Sep-13 22:02:48

And .... breathe.

I think he should have told you, but presumably he works for an airline so his radar may be a bit off.

Have a nice early night in a bed all to yourself and dream up a suitable minor revenge ('forget' to tell him you are going out on the lash or something).

trumphy Tue 17-Sep-13 22:06:25

He doesn't work for an airline, he was offered some temporary work as he needs extra money (we are seperated), but all he told me was that he was working in check in at the airport. I am sooo tired of him treating me like this and disresepcting me. I'm sure he told his mates where he was.

watchingout Tue 17-Sep-13 22:10:18

You messages him and he replied. Therefore he is contactable, emergency or not. You are separated - he does not have to tell you where he is.

It may be polite, but not essential

Hassled Tue 17-Sep-13 22:10:30

I can sort of see why you're cross, but - you were still able to contact him, weren't you? I can see that if there was an emergency obviously it would take longer for him to get back, but that would be the case whether he'd told you or not.

Is this actually more to do with finding it hard to step back a bit from the full involvement in his life you used to have? Because that bit is really hard, I know.

trumphy Tue 17-Sep-13 22:13:31

No, its more to do with being lied to. If he's going to be abroad so be it. But let me know. Don't miss out info on purpose. He's always done it, it's how he controls things. Thing is, I'm not in the mood for it anymore.

viperslast Tue 17-Sep-13 22:27:52

He doesn't have to tell you where he is unless it affects something to do with the dc. He is contactable in case of emergency that is all you need, you are separated!

yegodsandlittlefishes Tue 17-Sep-13 22:29:03

It's how he controls things? How does he control things exactly?
Is it more that you don't feel you are in control? Are you struggling to manage on your own?

More to the point, has he found his hotel yet?

trumphy Tue 17-Sep-13 22:41:28

No it's to do with even when we were together he would never tell me everything, even when it seems pointless. For example if I were going out I'd say, I'm going out with my mate Sam. But he would just say, I'm going out with mates. I even asked him about it. He said he doesn't know why he does it but he likes to keep me and the girls seperate from him and his mates. I find it hurtful. I am a very open and honest person and he knows that. It's like a little stab every time he does it.

trumphy Tue 17-Sep-13 22:42:12

Plus, we have only been seperated a few weeks, and he pesters me to know where I am!

VBisme Tue 17-Sep-13 22:46:41

Sorry, you're separated and you were able to contact him, so he's contactable.
I don't see the problem here, you need to try and detach from him, (which must be difficult after only a few weeks).

Chubfuddler Tue 17-Sep-13 22:48:35

You're separated, he doesn't have to tell you exactly where he is every minute. If he tries to badger you well you don't have to tell him either. Assuming you have children your only communication needs to be about them.

trumphy Tue 17-Sep-13 22:50:20

I guess I cannot expect the same courtesy from him that I would have. Maybe I should be more elusive with my movements. I don't care what he does when he's not here but I cannot abide being lied to. To me, being in another country is a big thing that I need to be made aware of. Plus if this ends up in divorce he cannot just fanny off to another country. We both have a responsibility of letting each other know roughly where we are. I do not ask anything of him that I would not be willing to do myself.

Chubfuddler Tue 17-Sep-13 22:54:36

Unless it interferes with arrangements re the children neither of you need to tell the other where you are, whst you are doing. I know it's hard but it's also very liberating.

Dumpylump Tue 17-Sep-13 22:55:26

I understand what you're saying - to a certain extent - but actually, if you're working for an airline then being in another country isn't necessarily a big deal...it may be that he could be in another country and home again within 24 hours - more than once in a week, and as long as you can still contact him if you need to - which clearly you could - I don't think he should feel duty bound to let you know.

trumphy Tue 17-Sep-13 22:56:15

He doesn't work for an airline, this is a one off casual job that he got through a friend.

trumphy Tue 17-Sep-13 22:57:48

He has a regular job in the uk. He told me originally that they needed extra checkin staff at the airport and his mate offered it to him as a temp. He's taken holiday from his regular job to do it.

calmingtea Wed 18-Sep-13 07:28:54

You've only been separated a short time, and you need to work on detaching and boundaries I think. He is not really unusual or unreasonable in his behaviour. You should definitely not be checking in with him telling him what and where you are, and next time he has a hissy fit about that put the phone down.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Wed 18-Sep-13 07:51:25

When I first saw your thread title, I thought he'd done what my ex did which was go abroad while DD was in his care, leaving her with someone else without me knowing.

But if the DCs were with you; why do you need to know where he is?

My ex and I eventually agreed a ROFR for DD (via mediation) - but as for what he does when DD is with me; that's entirely up to him!

captainmummy Wed 18-Sep-13 08:21:36

OP just because you have dc doesn't mean he has to be accountable to you for his movements. OK his mates might have been told where he is - but you are not a 'mate'.
So long as you can contact him in an emergency he could go anywhere. Anytime.
And Vice Versa

teatimesthree Wed 18-Sep-13 20:09:54

I can see why you are annoyed. But to be honest I don't think he is being massively unreasonable. I have probably been abroad for work while DD was with XP and not told him. It was a bit slack of me, but not the end of the world.

trumphy Thu 19-Sep-13 09:30:02

He did message me back and apologised saying he thought he'd told me. I told him I don't care if he is abroad but would appreciate knowing whether he is in the country or not. He agreed to this so I feel better now anyway.

I am still working on trying to detach myself and not contact him unless its about finances or the kids, but it's early days, and to be honest it's still very emotional for me. At the moment, everyday, I can't not think about things. I'm trying to be strong and keep going, but I feel like breaking down sobbing all the time. I know a lot of people on here are further down the line than me and so probably dealing with things a lot better. But I'm sure you all remember what those first few weeks and months felt like.

watchingout Thu 19-Sep-13 13:11:16

I'm sorry if my first post seemed harsh - your first posts did not say it was a recent separation. I guess I would have been a little kinder as I remember those horrible early days. But it does get easier! Have some cake and a brew. Or winewinewine smile

watchingout Thu 19-Sep-13 13:15:31

Also, if you can manage without contacting him at all, that's great. He may begin to wonder why there's been no contact and then get a bit confused as to whether he's needed or not. Can be a bit of a wake-up call if he sees or hears (from friends) that you're doing fine without him. Depends on what you want in the long run!

trumphy Thu 19-Sep-13 14:45:55

Yes I shall try not to contact him for a few days, although he's supposed to have the kids at the weekend. But maybe he will contact me first to confirm the pick up and drop off time as we haven't decided on that just yet. Its only been a few weeks, and I was starting to feel happier and more at ease, but for some reason this business seems to have set me back.

Sasquatch75 Thu 19-Sep-13 18:31:27

I really feel for you. It's only been a few weeks for me and to break that tie is so so hard. I'm still reeling from being lied to about why my ex left, although I now feel that it's definitely for the best and the OW is welcome to him! But yes, it's hard working on detaching yourself when you spent so long being close together. Don't beat yourself up about it xx

paperlantern Thu 19-Sep-13 19:06:45

your separated.

what he does and where he is when he doesn't have the kids really isn't your business

starlight1234 Thu 19-Sep-13 20:42:54

In the early days it is very hard...

I spoke to my Ex far too much for support but I did eventually learnt to get support elsewhere...

Less communication is better..it means less rows and less argusing...

With respect if he was like this when you were together he isn't going to be any better because you are separated..

trumphy Thu 19-Sep-13 21:57:31

I just seem to keep crying all the time and feel overwhelmed and so very very sad. Like its been mentioned we were a family unit and am no longer. It's like waking up in a bad dream everyday. It would be easier if I hated him but I don't.

And Paperlantern, I believe that's been covered. Don't think you need to bash me anymore over it. As I have also mentioned, I am still struggling to come to terms with it all. I would hope I could be a little more empathetic to someone else in a similar situation.

Chubfuddler Thu 19-Sep-13 22:22:20

I'm really sorry you're finding it so tough. It will get better I promise.

DotCottonsHairnet Fri 20-Sep-13 16:03:32

It does get easier I promise - am about 10 months down the line now. We don't speak much on the phone anymore but instead email / text if we need to be in contact.

However if it was an emergency and we needed to speak urgently then we would phone each other.

Its hard not knowing what the other is doing or where they are but again you do get used to it I promise smile

trumphy Mon 23-Sep-13 20:08:00

Thanks everyone, its such a hard hard time. I just look forward to a time when I can get through a day without thinking about him at all.

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