Am I mad to even be considering this???

(49 Posts)
justpoppy Fri 09-Aug-13 14:21:27

Have been on my own with DS8 for most of his life. He's had no contact with his Dad for about 2 years now. I've found out this week that I'm pregnant after a ONS - first time I've DTD with anyone in over a year. Condom split, took MAP and that's failed too. Could only happen to me!

Anyway, have told ONS who has made his feeling very clear - he wants nothing to do with me. Am I crazy to consider going it alone again?

Financially things are fine, I work, I have a great childminder who looks after DS and my parents have always supported me. I've always been on my own so to me having a DP there to support me is as alien as someone who is married considering being a LP. I'm not sure I could face the alternative. I'm 40 this year so really this is my last chance to have a sibling for DS. I doubt I'd regret having a baby but I could regret not going through with it.

Not sure why I'm posting really - I feel like I've been very irresponsible and am being selfish considering having another baby on my own and in such sordid circumstances. I worry about how my DC will be affected not having their dad's around and I'm ashamed to say I worry about being judged by people around me. My head is all over the place at the moment and I'd really appreciate some honest opinions.

DragonsAreReal Fri 09-Aug-13 14:27:57

If you want it have it and congratulations. I think itl be so nice for your ds to have a sibling and won't be left alone to deal with horrible things like if you get dementia or your funeral.

freemanbatch Fri 09-Aug-13 14:32:33

you'll do a great job if its what you want to do and you sound like you have your life together in a way many couples don't when they have kids so if you want to why the hell not? smile

It won't be easy but then it isn't easy when you have a partner either and at least you'll be able to find your own routine and won't have someone interrupting you and how you do things smile

I'm a single parent and pregnant with number 3 so I might be a bit biased but I really would say have it if you want to but equally don't have it if YOU don't want to. It is only you and your children that matter in the decision not other people's opinions.

Good luck whatever you decide smile

justpoppy Fri 09-Aug-13 14:33:53

Thanks Dragons. I hadn't even considered that aspect of it but you are right.

CaptainSweatPants Fri 09-Aug-13 14:36:14

Don't forget to check that your parents will still want to help with a new arrival
They're older than when ds was born they might be considering holidays , retiring peacefully etc

justpoppy Fri 09-Aug-13 14:39:15

freemanbatch thank you and congrats on your pregnancy too. I have to say I never found it that hard with my DS. Granted I may not be lucky enough to have an easy baby this time round but I didn't find the lack of partner a problem. I guess I've never known any different. I know I can cope with another child - I'm not confident in a lot of things but I will stand up and say I know I've done a pretty good job with DS.

I guess its just the moral side of it I'm struggling with at the moment. Two kids, two different men, neither contributing or wanting to see their kids.... its not really the way I planned my life!

justpoppy Fri 09-Aug-13 14:42:41

CaptainSweatPant I can't see that they'll be thrilled - I doubt this is how they saw my life panning out either but they're still pretty young and ds is the only grandchild at the moment. They've recently moved to be closer to where we live and dote on DS so hopefully they'll be supportive.

freemanbatch Fri 09-Aug-13 14:55:14

Thanks justpoppy smile

All 3 of mine have the same dad but he's currently in the middle of being investigated by the police due to DV!! I married him ten years ago aged only 21 with a plan for how my life would be and he took me and my plan apart bit by bit for ten years and he damaged the two kids he's been involved in bringing up so badly that the older one hardly sleeps for nightmares.

I am truly happy to have all three of my kids and I tell you about their dad only to illustrate that life plans only last until they meet the enemy and that lots of children are born in situations that are worse than having only one parent but having a parent who loves them and would do anything for them. smile

justpoppy Fri 09-Aug-13 15:06:11

Wow freemanbatch your post has given me goosebumps and certainly puts a totally different slant on my situation. I guess I need to get "normal" out of my head and realise that actually going against the normal isn't always a bad thing.

freemanbatch Fri 09-Aug-13 15:11:03

My dad has a saying

'normal is just another word for boring'

its the one I go with now whenever I feel like I'm doing things differently than I 'should' wink

notanyanymore Fri 09-Aug-13 15:11:59

Go for it! smile

justpoppy Fri 09-Aug-13 15:30:25

that's a good saying freemanbatch. I think I'll borrow that one! grin

Thanks notanyanymore. I'm quite shocked at so many positive comments - I think I thought people would be telling me not to even consider it.

shanelle5 Fri 09-Aug-13 15:37:13

You sound like good parent who has her life in order along with supportive family. So Id echo whats already been said - you are in a better place emotionally/financially and probably other ways than a lot of marrieds who may be unhappy together. Sad but true and very relevant. So Congratulations, good luck telling your parents and ENJOY!! (all things happen for a reason smile )

Amiee Fri 09-Aug-13 15:42:55

I guess its just the moral side of it I'm struggling with at the moment. Two kids, two different men, neither contributing or wanting to see their kids.... its not really the way I planned my life!
- it's not the 50's there is no moral issue as far as I'm concerned.
Your child has had a wonderful stable upbringing and a close relationship to his grandparents which means he has a good male role model. You have had a successful life and have been a great mum. Sounds like the only people missing out are the loser dads. Their loss!

justpoppy Fri 09-Aug-13 16:47:01

shanelle5 I think you're right. Everything does happen for a reason - I think that too. The fact that the contraceptive failed not just once but twice makes me wonder if it's fate.

amiee thank you! I'm really grateful for your honesty.

GetYourMoneyBackAtTheDoor Fri 09-Aug-13 16:51:28

I don't think the ONS has much choice does he? If you go ahead with your pg make sure you get what you (and your DC) is entitled to. You didn't get pg on your own!

Good luck op x

belief Fri 09-Aug-13 16:58:02

You are braver than I justpoppy. smile

Would you seek child support (money i mean) from the father? It wasnt just you that did the deed.

ImNotBloody14 Fri 09-Aug-13 17:02:22


i think i'm saying congratulations because you sound very much like you are going to go ahead with it grin

i don't think you are mad- i don't think you would be mad/wrong/right/anything whichever decision you make because it is only you, and not your ONS or your parents or anyone else who can make the right decision for you and your children. i think we have had it drummed into us that man+woman+ child/ren = family when in reality, for as long as time has been recorded it was never only this way- parents, families come about in all sorts of ways, for all sorts of reasons and i don't think there is 1 'right' way to have a family- just the best way for you at this moment in time. your parents may not have chosen this way for you, you may not have even chosen it for yourself had you been asked as a teen what your ideal was but no doubt your parents will love and support you as best they feel they can and if they decide they cant then you wouldn't be the only person doing it without parental support. (as great as that is- you can do it without it)

fwiw- i don't think there is a moral issue and wouldn't even consider the jusdgement others may or may not cast- everyone- but everyone has made decisions others will disagree with but only you walk in your shoes so only you get to judge your decisions.

good luck with whatever you decide. smile

ChippingInHopHopHop Fri 09-Aug-13 17:04:45


Life's a bitch and seldom goes to plan smile

You have done a great job with your DS, why not another one??

If it were me though, I'd have nothing else to do with the ONS. You didn't get pregnant by yourself and yes, legally/morally he's just as responsible, but the way I would look at it was that it was a 'mistake' (originally) and we didn't have any commitment to each other and I am the one choosing to keep the baby... so I would do that myself (I know it's not a popular view on MN though) AND most importantly, I'd much rather not have the hassle of a bloke who doesn't want to be involved - I'd sooner he just stayed right away from us.

I can see that your parents might not be too chuffed, having helped with DS (and him now being 8) they might feel that they have 'done their bit' to help you out with a baby/toddler and not be very impressed that you have 'got yourself into this situation' (and thus them!!) but hey... they'll see the baby and get over it in a nano second I'm sure, especially if you don't need their help to bring the baby up... just to be grandparents.

I'm excited for you!! smile

mrspaddy Fri 09-Aug-13 17:09:26

I think a baby is always a positive thing and from your post, I get the feeling you really want it.
Why not go for it!! After two attempts to prevent it.. this little baby is not letting much stand in its way.. wink..

But think about it/work out what is right for you.

russetbella1000 Fri 09-Aug-13 23:36:08

Just wanted to echo what others have said-sounds like you'll continue to be a great mum to two children! As for the 'moral' issue I also don't think there is one...As long as you are secure with your decision that's all that matters. Your children will be secure in the situation by seeing their mum as a confident & able parent who meets their needs. No-one else matters.
If you know you will provide a positive and secure environment for your children then that's all that counts in the end.

Wish you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy-how exciting! :0)

angel1976 Sat 10-Aug-13 06:15:42

I've got two DSs with the same man and it didn't stop him upping and leaving for someone new after 10 years of marriage BUT my boys are wonderful together and one thing I don't regret about the last 10 years is having them BOTH. They've been wonderful with each other through the split. I do think you should go for it. Divorce is very frowned upon in my culture but hey, tough, it's happened and once I got over worrying about what other people thought, I found the whole process, dare I say it, liberating! Best of luck! I imagine your DS at that age will help a great deal with the baby and around the house...wink

Roshbegosh Sat 10-Aug-13 06:26:31

I think you need to seriously consider the GPs. Yes they will love the child but it is not fair to expect them to help as much. They should not be burdened by your decision at this point in their lives. Other than that, do what you think is right for you and DS, just be sure you can do it independently.

SavoyCabbage Sat 10-Aug-13 06:29:19

To me it sounds like you have your ducks in a row and that having another baby will enhance your little family even more.

There is no normal anymore. I know because I read it in here. Family Book.

I'd do it and I'm a single patent to two under 5's. an 8 year gap sounds like a walk in the park!

justpoppy Mon 12-Aug-13 09:45:03

GetYourMoney you're right ONS doesn't have a choice in my decision whether I go ahead or not. I told him initially because I thought it was the right thing to do and I will let him know my decision as I think that's the right thing to do for the child.

belief I doubt I will pursue him for child support. I know it takes two people to dtd and some people will disagree with my decision but I'm able to provide for a child myself and as its my decision to go it alone I'm not sure that going after his money is something I want/need to do. Its a battle I really don't want to have (and it would be a a battle as he's self employed and his work is erratic).

Chipping I absolutely agree with your post 100%. I really would rather do this totally alone than have someone else making things harder. That said if he did want to be involved I wouldn't make things difficult as obviously I'd owe that to my dc.

Roshbegosh my parents do help a lot with DS now, BUT he's 8, great company and fits in with things that they want to do and enjoy doing. A baby/toddler obviously wouldn't do that and I wouldn't expect them to help as much. I have a fantastic childminder who (hopefully) will have space when/if the time comes.

So now having got my head around having another child doubts of a different kind are creeping in. I've got a really strong feeling that this is not a viable pregnancy. I can't let myself get too excited about it at such an early stage if I'm going to just see an empty sac on the US screen. Seeing that written down I know how crazy it sounds - all pregnancies are different, not everyone has symptoms etc but I can't stop thinking it. I can't get to the EPU until Bank holiday week when I'm off work so I guess I've just got to wait it out until then. Am considering buying one of the clearblue tests that tell you how pregnant you are as I obviously know the actual date it happened. Trying not to let it drive me completely bonkers but obviously its constantly on my mind!

tomsellecklover Mon 12-Aug-13 15:33:23

justpoppy - I don't think you are mad. a child is always a blessing, you would never regret having them. its sensible that you are aware it is early days. Just a thought though is that I would keep in mind that hopefully if it all goes well that there is still a chance that dad could decide months or years down the line that he wants to see his child.

justpoppy Mon 12-Aug-13 16:12:02

Of course tom and I'd never ever close the door on that possibility. If things do go ahead I will let him know. It's his choice then whether he decides to keep in touch or indeed get back in touch in the future.

Roshbegosh Mon 12-Aug-13 23:33:26

Wishing you all the best poppy xxx

justpoppy Tue 13-Aug-13 09:37:26

Thank you Roshbegosh.

I have an appointment for a scan at the EPU tomorrow morning so will know for sure then.

Roshbegosh Tue 13-Aug-13 17:56:24

That's a good idea. Hope you see a lovely little flutter x

justpoppy Tue 13-Aug-13 20:30:56

I hope so too although I'm really not getting too excited. It just doesn't feel right. sad

justpoppy Wed 14-Aug-13 12:36:15

As I suspected, small gestational sac but no baby. The sonographer said she could see something - perhaps a small flicker - but that it could just be a maternal pulse (whatever that is!) I have to go back in two weeks to be scanned again but as I'm certain of my dates I don't expect there to be any change.

So now I'm back to where I was before but with all these mad feelings running through my head that I hadn't considered before. I'd resigned myself I suppose to no more kids but this has made me realise that actually I would like to have more children.

Roshbegosh Wed 14-Aug-13 20:02:25

I am so sorry poppy but there is still a chance that it was too small to see, otherwise she wouldn't have asked you back in two weeks. When did you DTD?

justpoppy Wed 14-Aug-13 21:18:37

DTD 14 July which was day 16 of my cycle. I think it's protocol that they ask you back two weeks later. I had a MMC a while back and same thing happened then. There is a chance that they could see more at the second scan but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Roshbegosh Fri 16-Aug-13 16:14:15

No don't get you hopes up but there is still some hope. I am away now but I will be thinking of you and will check back in. She saw some pulse movement but thought it likely to be just from you and could not say one way or the other. So hard to have to wait and be uncertain. On the other hand you know what MC feels like so sadly, you may be right. Try to keep busy and distracted as much as possible xxx

russetbella1000 Fri 16-Aug-13 22:53:29

Ah I'm sorry...:0(
Hope you have good people around you right now.

justpoppy Mon 19-Aug-13 10:05:43

Have woken up this morning to cramps and some bleeding. I'm gutted obviously but knew something wasn't right so its not a massive shock.

emilyeggs Mon 19-Aug-13 10:48:33

Hope you are doing ok in the circumstances x

ChippingInHopHopHop Mon 19-Aug-13 11:24:38

Oh I am so sorry sad Is there anyone who can come over and be with you if you want some company? [I probably wouldn't, I'd rather be alone]. Is DS there with you? Can your parents take him out for the day? Big hugs x

I am also sorry that I missed the middle of your thread, things drop off the bottom of 'my threads' far too quickly and I can't do an advance search (MN isn't working properly for me and tech can't fix it). I need to start using 'watch this thread' for important threads.

justpoppy Mon 19-Aug-13 12:17:50

I'm at work Chipping. Wanted to keep busy and as the bleeding wasn't too bad I thought I'd chance it. I know that could prove not to be the best decision I've ever made but I was told off by HR for my sickness record at the beginning of the year and won't get paid if I take time off until my record is clear for a year.

cupcake78 Mon 19-Aug-13 12:28:25

By the sound of it your in a better position than a lot of people who find themselves pregnant. If you want the baby then have it! Stuff what other people and society think. Surely the main concern is how the baby and ds will be affected.

I can't see an issue with having a stable, good protective home and a mum who wants and loves her children! Congratulations!

cupcake78 Mon 19-Aug-13 12:30:14

Op I'm so sorry I posted before reading the full thread! Please look after yourself.

justpoppy Mon 19-Aug-13 12:40:07

Thanks cupcake78

ChippingInHopHopHop Mon 19-Aug-13 22:46:37

Poppy - how are you? I hope, all considered, you are 'OK' x

Can they actually do that (re your sick leave)??

justpoppy Mon 19-Aug-13 23:28:47

I'm ok thanks Chipping. Cramping got progressively worse through the day. Not unbearable but worse than a bad period pain. I passed something earlier this evening and since then the pain has eased off so I'm hoping that might be the worst of it over.

Re sick leave apparently if we have over 10 days in one calendar year they can stop sick pay. I had a week off with bronchitis before Xmas and a week in feb with norovirus and when I came back I got told if I was sick again within a year it would be unpaid leave! I work in law so I'm pretty certain they can do it. Don't know whether it would make a difference that this is maternity related - I doubt it. Our hr department aren't known for their compassion.

Roshbegosh Tue 20-Aug-13 14:34:26

So sorry poppy x

ChippingInHopHopHop Tue 20-Aug-13 19:21:53

Poppy - <<HUG>> sad I have no idea about these things, sorry, but do you need to go and see anyone?

Your work sounds bloody awful - I remember why I left that particular rat race!! Mind you, it was better paid than the current hampster wheel!!

justpoppy Wed 21-Aug-13 00:56:57

Thanks Rosh. It's been a very weird and emotional few weeks.

Chipping I have another appointment for a scan at the EPU next week. I've not had a chance to call them yet but I suspect their advice will be to keep the appointment so they can check that there are no retained products left after the mc. Fingers crossed my body has dealt with things and I won't need any further treatment.

I feel fine physically - emotionally not so much but I'll get there.

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