Having a wobble [sad]

(69 Posts)
Solasum Wed 17-Jul-13 15:40:06

I am four months pregnant, and for various reasons my relationship with the baby's father has disintegrated completely. When I found out I was pregnant he said I had ruined his life etc.

Until now I had felt confident that I could go it alone, but now a few people have said 'how brave' I am, and I have been looking for childfriendly places to live I guess it seems more real, somehow, and much more scary.

My parents know and have been surprisingly supportive, but I have not felt able to tell many friends yet, so I have been spending quite a lot of time on my own, when I am usually pretty sociable.

I guess what I am after really is some happy stories from people who have been where I am now, and have had a happy ending. Because at the moment I just want to curl up in a ball and hide sad

fluffyanimal Wed 17-Jul-13 15:44:18

I'm not in that position but I didn't want to read and run, so here's a hand to hold and much sympathy while I nip over to another thread where there's a really amazing lady who I'll see if I can come over to talk wise words to you.

Actually, I can also tell you the story of my amazing sister who was a single mum by choice - she had AI from sperm donor - and she has done a fantastic job of raising my beautiful niece who has just done her A Levels. It can be done. I am sure you will be fine.

Solasum Wed 17-Jul-13 16:02:07

Thank you Fluffy.

Another thing I am worried about at the moment is the birth itself. Most of my friends do not have children yet so no one obvious to ask, and my mum lives hours drive away from me. Does anyone not have a birth partner?

smokinaces Wed 17-Jul-13 16:12:00

Sola, you ARE brave, and that's a good thing. Write down the positives of doing this alone - all the love and affection are for you, no one to moan if you and newborn are up all night and sleep all day, you get to make all the parenting choices, you get all the firsts :-D

Lone parenting can be hard. Have you joined gingerbread? They have local groups which can help. As can post natal baby groups - I went to one with ds1 six years ago and made some wonderful friends, and built a support network. They helped me when I was I'll after a wisdom tooth, when I had depression and needed antidepressants, when one son needed an operation. My ex didn't leave till the boys were one and two, but those girls have been my lifelines.

Re. The birth - you can say you're happy for a student midwife. A lot of them then stay nearly all the time with you. Or look into doulas? They can be expensive, but not beccesarily. Ask your midwife. Post natal support can be offered too, which can be invaluable. Or ask your mum to come stay for a couple of weeks?

The boards here are great too. You can do this :-D

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 17-Jul-13 18:52:37

Hello Solasum

Am not a lone parent but being a mum to a DD (daughter) she could very well face the same one day.

I am so glad your parents have stepped up and given you support. I hope you are investigating where you stand financially. The only thing I will say about your ex, if he was going to bail, better you know where you stand right now and see him for the sort of character he is.

It is great if you can build a rapport with your midwife when you go along for ante-natal appointments. I hope your old friends will be steadfast but there will be chances to make new friends in time. Sometimes support can come unlooked for, sometimes an attitude or stance can surprise. If there is a tiny judgmental minority who may give their inaccurate opinions unasked, there will be many more who prove helpful and offer useful advice.

I hope you feel encouraged by those you 'meet' on MN. Have you seen the section called Becoming a Parent has a category called Pregnancy. Also, if you look at the local site section and enter your region, there may be some valuable information on what's on and a chance for meet-ups or where to socialise close by.

Hello Sola

I'm sorry you feel a bit down, but thought I'd share my story.

My husband had an affair and left me suddenly last August. A few days after he left I found out I was pregnant. My STBXH has had nothing to do with me, my pregnancy, or my gorgeous DS who was born in early April.

I went through pregnancy on my own, albeit with very good support from my family and friends. There were many times when I wondered what on earth I was doing, and even more times when I was in complete denial about it. It was only when I got to about 6/7 months and I got a proper big bump that I started to face the reality of it. Until then it all seemed a bit of a blur.

Anyway, fast forward, and here I am with my energetic little DS kicking on a chair next to me. His father appears to want nothing to do with him - he even requested to not receive any information about his birth etc. (He's with OW who also got pregnant and had his child, long story). He hasn't seen my DS and I suspect he won't for a very long time, if ever. This hurts, I'll be honest.

I won't lie, it's hard work. And overwhelming. I felt very lonely in hospital when I was in labour, as it was only my parents who visited me (really hard hearing couples on my ward). It's tiring and overwhelming, and I miss not having anyone to share my woes and anxieties to at the end of the day.

But. He's worth it. I contemplated termination and I can't believe that now. He's lively, vibrant, beautiful, and he's mine. And even though I'm on a massive learning curve doing this on my own, I can't think of a more exciting and worthwhile journey. When he smiles everything is worth it, and for me he's given me a purpose that I don't think my life had before.

As for coccooning yourself away, I think that might be a natural reaction. You have a lot to come to terms with mentally and physically, so perhaps it's your subconscious telling you to take some time out and prepare for the big change ahead of you. I hibernated somewhat over the winter (in denial half the time), but to be honest I think I really need the rest and time to digest what had happened and what was about to happen.

Also, MN was (is) a lifeline to me! grin

Callmedreckly Wed 17-Jul-13 19:55:44

I could have written a lot of your post Tricky

My 'D'P left in January, (together 9 years)
LO born in April, yes its been hard OP & I totally understand the hiding away.

I was lucky to have a work colleague with me in labour.

It does get better, I promise you it does.
LO is asleep on my shoulder right now, My absolute world

I have no family nearby at all, But you find this extreme strength from somewhere and you will realise how bloody amazing you are thanks.

Solasum Wed 17-Jul-13 21:51:40

It sounds really trite, but thank you all for giving me hope.

This is not a situation I ever thought I would be in. I have one girlfriend who is now 6 months pregnant, and she and her husband are like love's young dream. And I am so jealous that I can barely bear to see her, and have not managed to tell her about my baby yet.

Financially things will be tight, but not un manageable, though I will have to go back to work as soon as I can.

Solasum Wed 17-Jul-13 21:56:12

I am just frightened I will not be able to give my baby enough. I am rubbish when I am tired, and socially shy (though at work I manage a superconfident veneer), and at the moment I am not sure I can manage to be brazen and make lots of mummy friends who will go home to their partners every night. I thought about going to pregnancy yoga class, but then thought I would be the odd one out. I need to find my grip!

Callmedreckly Wed 17-Jul-13 22:16:01

You will feel like seeing your friend one day, because you will be so proud of your baby, you will want to show baby off.

You don't have to see them now if you don't want to. I know its hard, when they seem to have it all.

Don't worry about groups, I haven't been to one yet!

All baby needs from you is love, honestly your baby will feel so secure in your arms, they thrive on it, the kisses and cuddles are amazing.
I cried when my LO smiled & she has started gazing into my eyes when I feed her.
It makes you melt, you can do this, take it a day at a time for now.

betterthanever Wed 17-Jul-13 22:21:00

solasum I have been a lone parent since I first became pregnant. I am not going to kid you, it is really, really hard but one way or another you will get through it, taking once step at a time.
I went through hell, was very ill and almost lost everything I had worked hard for - I came through it and what I face now didn't even enter my head. My exp is back re writing history and wanting to have a `key' role in DS's establish life, miles away from my exp. DS has been very distressed and I will not go into any more BUT I wanted to say - KEEP all the correspondence you can from the FOB. You may need it years down the line - my DS is 8. It is going to be you and your DD/DS and you will form an amazing bond. You will grow stronger and have the wonderful support of your family. I did the whole thing on my own if you ever want to PM me please feel free.

sillymillyb Wed 17-Jul-13 22:28:00

Oh Sola hugs for you!

I could have written your post - my Ds is 15 months now, and I was alone from, well, the poas really!

I did what you are doing, and sort of hibernated for my full pregnancy. I think there is a basic need in pregnancy to hunker down and protect yourself. I also know how you feel about the jealousy, it hurt to think about couples so excited about their baby, so I stayed away. Thing was, when I bumped into other pregnant ladies or attended antenatal classes (I did 2 sessions right at the end) there was no mention of their partners - the focus was more on labour, worrying about coping with babies etc, and so they were a support because the issues we were facing were the same, if you see what I mean?

For labour my mum was with me, but I was prepared right up to the last minute for doing it alone. Have you considered a doula? You could maybe look at a trainee one so the costs are kept low? The hospital I was in after the birth was made up of only private rooms, so other couples weren't in my face, but like someone up thread said, I was conscious of them being there and of not having many visitors. I think other people were so wrapped up in their own babies though that they wouldn't have noticed if I'd had a brass band in my room so long as I didn't disturb them smile

As for worrying that you won't be able to give you baby enough - you have the advantage here over couples!! All your baby needs is YOU - they don't need any body else, and you don't need to share your attention between your baby and your partner, so you are ahead of the game here!

I won't lie, there are times when being on your own with your baby is the toughest, most overwhelming experience. Sometimes I crave someone to share the good bits with, to debate over the best tactic to manage behaviour, to just hand my ds to so I can nip to the shops without it being a military operation. BUT, my DS is wonderful: he is confident, he is happy, he has the most infectious charming giggle and he loves me, as I adore and love him. We are a team, and that, honestly, is worth every single hard moment a gazillion times over. You can do this, and do this well - and your baby will be a credit to you, because you already care enough that you are worrying you won't be enough.

Listen to what we are telling you, believe us, it is hard - but god it is worth it. If there is anything I can do to help, pm me or post on here -MN dragged me cheered me through my pregnancy, and there are others who have been in your shoes and can prove to you that it will be ok xx (ahh jeez, I never do kisses! Sorry!)

russetbella1000 Wed 17-Jul-13 23:29:31

Hey just wanted to wish you all the best! Really tired from too much sun :0) so can't write much but just wanted to add to the positive stories about being a single mum right from the get go! For me personally, I honestly would not have had it any other way...It was actually easier imo... I see couples who have children together and view these very positively but what I never do is think they are more fortunate than me or that their children are happier than my dd. I am happy and that's all I ever focus on...
Negative ideas (and that's all they ever are) about single parenthood are only real if you believe them...Just be your brilliant self, love your child, have fun & all will be well...

All the best with the rest :0)

russetbella1000 Wed 17-Jul-13 23:32:48

Oooo and do everything you want-I did yoga even NCT classes (dragged my sis to a couple of them) & everyone was fine. Again if you're confident about your situation (and why shouldn't you be?:0) everyone just moves on very quickly...

betterthanever Thu 18-Jul-13 11:09:29

silly is right the other mums face very similar worries even though they have a partner. I made a very consious descion for the sake of DS I would not do anything different. I got out there terrified as I was - many were there on thier own even if they had a partner, they were working or didn't want to go! The other new mums need company too and they would love your comapny. My NCT friends are still my friends after all these years. A friend of mine was very shy until she had her first DD, she is a different person now - your baby will be the making of you - look forward to it, it will hard but wonderful. Take all the help you can, read books, smile. The best bit for me was actually the night feeds!! just me and DS and peace and quiet - the worst bit - I faced some other challenges just after DS was born and I wore myself out doing too much but that will not happen to you. I think all new mums are nervous and it is hard sometimes to have to make all teh descions yourself but you will get used to that and enjoy it.

Solasum Thu 18-Jul-13 11:39:38

Thank you all! I am still wobbling, (and sure I will again, so will definitely be back) but nowhere near as much as I was. thanks

I'll try Yoga next week, and take it from there. Perhaps keeping busy is the way forward as when I am on my own I am prone to be miserable. After all, I guess I'll have lots of evenings at home come January.

I'm really not sure about NCT though. It seems like quite a lot of money that I could better spend on a cot or something.

juneau Thu 18-Jul-13 11:49:50

I don't have experience of this OP, but my lovely cousin has just had her second DD on her own. She got AI via a sperm donor and is raising her DDs alone, with support from her family, working, etc. She's doing an amazing job and with help from her parents and DB I honestly don't think her DDs are missing out on anything.

If you're worried about being alone in labour I can wholeheartedly recommend hiring a doula Doula UK. I had one for both my labours (my DH was hopeless with the first one and completely absent during my very quick second one). My doula and I met several times before the birth, talked about what I wanted to happen in an ideal world, etc and on the day was with me from early labour until after the birth. Having a calm, experienced, kind woman in the room with me all the way through was wonderful, reassuring and really helped me to have 'good' births (IMO). Trainee doulas cost less than fully qualified ones, if money is an issue. My doula even drove me to hospital the second time.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Thu 18-Jul-13 11:56:20

Solasum I just wanted to add something in response to your comment about 'not being enough' for your baby. I think all of us who are lone parents know that feeling well, and it can eat away at your confidence if you let it. I'm 5 years into being a lone parent and can say with absolute certainty I am enough for my DD. More than enough. Her dad is around and does flit in and out but his involvement is so little it's not something DD can really rely on or depend on for anything.

The reason I know I'm enough for DD is because she's loved and is always aware that she's loved. That's really important and I'm sure your baby will get that message loud and clear. I do my utmost to give my DD the most I can in terms of time and experiences so that her little mind never wanders onto worrying about not having her dad around more. I support her, listen to her, talk to her and she honestly never talks negatively about her situation i.e. dad not living with us. She is a bright, confident and quite popular girl, and being a child from a lone parent household has not hindered her in any way whatsoever.

Don't let the media myth fool you into thinking that being a lone parent = bad parent. Being mum and dad is hard but equally rewarding, and certainly not beyond anyone who loves their baby and wants to do the best for them. You will be enough and your little bundle will let you know in ways that just makes your heart swell. Don't doubt yourself and you'll be fine. You'll struggle just like every new parent does, but you will get through it. Just make sure you get support and ask for help when you need it.

Oh, and congratulations!

Just to reassure you sola I too have worried an awful lot about not fitting in with other Mums. My story is a bit complicated and I'm worried there might be a stigma being a single Mum. As a result I haven't been to any baby groups yet (DS is 15 weeks) and to be honest I'm not sure they're my thing.

My Mum was with me during the birth. This wasn't planned, but my labour wasn't ideal, and she ended being the one who was with me for the three days I was in hospital.

The first few weeks were overwhelming and I was permanently knackered. He had bad colic at about 8 weeks, which also put an awful lot of strain on me (oh to have someone to take him off my hands for a while when he was crying so much).

But I agree the night feeds have been my favourite part. There is something so peaceful and intimate about holding him at 3am and feeding him - just me and him against the world. They feel very special. smile

Solasum Thu 18-Jul-13 17:41:26

And have now had an unexpected run in with the father. He is dreadful, so angry, so cruel. How can I possibly manage anything resembling a normality for the baby if he cannot even manage to be civil?

betterthanever Thu 18-Jul-13 18:00:36

sol you are under no obligation to communicate with him face to face. I would suggest that you ask him to make all communications via email or take someone with you if you do decide to meet - I did neither. Try and keep to issues that about the baby now and the care of later. I would inform your HV of what is happening and how you are feeling - I didn't, I regret that now too. You can't stop him doing as he pleases just manage how to respond to him and how you look after yourself and the baby. You are not responsible for how he feels, he has to sort that out within himself. You are responsible for how you feel and have to do things to keep yourself happy and content. I wish I had done more when I was pregnant because after my DS was born, my exp also became violent on top of his usual verbal abuse and threats. With a newborn to look after and money to find to keep the roof over our head I was in a very tough position. I wish I had informed more official authorities earlier. There are a few aspects to this I think and it feels very familiar to how my exp was. They don't get better, you do at dealing with it.

ljny Thu 18-Jul-13 18:04:11

Sweetheart, you don't need him. Your baby doesn't need him - your baby will have you.

The reason I know I'm enough for DD is because she's loved and is always aware that she's loved. That's really important and I'm sure your baby will get that message loud and clear.
^What buncha said.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 18-Jul-13 18:15:41

Unless he is a colleague liable to meet through work, with any luck today's unpleasant encounter will be a rare sighting.

Think of him as a vocano - hot air, unpleasant vapours, the occasional vicious eruption. Let him rant and turn a deaf ear. Any aggression or intimidation, make a note of it and date it afterwards. Bullies often save hostility for when you're alone. Take along a 3rd party if you and he arrange a meeting and stay somewhere public.

Solasum Thu 18-Jul-13 20:09:35

Unfortunately Donkey he is someone who I will see through work.

He says he will see me in court.

smokinaces Thu 18-Jul-13 20:29:39

what's he wanting from the court?? Access? To relinquish his rights?

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Thu 18-Jul-13 20:34:50

Solasum the best thing you can do is to cut contact with him until you are in a better place emotionally. If he works with you, speak to HR about being harassed/abused in the work place, and ask them to deal with it - making sure he knows he is not to approach you/talk to you/email you/contact you in any way. He can take you to court all he wants, but he'll soon find out he has little sway in how this will be dealt with if he's looking for contact. He'll struggle to get any kind of 'open door' contact if he is abusing you or harassing you, and he won't be dictating to you how this will pan out.

Cut yourself off from him as much as you can and reach out to people for help and support thru friends/family/here when you need it. He can stew 'til the baby is here.

russetbella1000 Thu 18-Jul-13 20:58:42

....Agree with others you do not nieed to talk to him...he can run about spouting this and that about courts but please don't worry about anything until there is a court date. Honestly, he'll prob just have his 'free-legals half hour that lawyers give away and after that you won't hear from him. That's what father of my dd did, hilarious. He was just angry that I was in control and he had no control over me...Honestly it's often just a power thing. Just try to rise above it and know that no-one will force you to do anything. His relationship with the child is up to him not you to pursue...At some point. For now though his needs are not important, your baby's are AND as main carer YOUR needs trump his.

Btw I did do NCT, I paid 10% as my income was obviously not as much as a couple's... I quite enjoyed them (mainly because they didn;t cost me £200+) but each to their own. I was determined that just because I was on my own I would do everything I wanted to. Part of the positive messages I'm determined to show my daughter as she grows up confident and as proud of her family unit as I am :0))

Solasum Thu 18-Jul-13 22:09:15

I just cannot get him to shut up once he starts talking. He says whatever he can that he knows will hurt me most, and at the moment I feel powerless to do anything. I can see that he is playing all on all my anxieties perfectly. But then I think that he is only
doing it because he is scared, so I ought to hear him out. He tells me I should stop being so selfish and take responsibility for my actions.

When I am calm I can see he is being an arse. But I am not so good at staying calm at the moment.

Solasum Thu 18-Jul-13 22:15:37

He wants to take the baby away from me as I am unfit to look after it. Ironic, really, given his initial position.

sillymillyb Thu 18-Jul-13 22:19:27

Ah sweetheart, what a bastard!! He is all hot air, there is not a court in this land that would take a new born baby from its mother unless you were proved to be seriously unfit over a prolonged period of time.

I'm so angry on your behalf! Are you ok?

russetbella1000 Thu 18-Jul-13 22:29:03

Please, when you've had a sleep...:0) realise how desperate he must be to try and make you think you're an unfit mother. He can call blue green but it doesn't make it so. WHEREAS your actions show that your a good mother. He hasn't got the same evidence :0))

Don't give him airtime.

Be proud of yourself and think about how lucky you are not to need to deal with him any more because you really don't have to. Just be completely professional when it comes to baby. Yes, in time you will be able to facilitate time for him to see his baby but for now you must concentrate on yourself and therefore baby. He just has no place in this since he can only be abusive. This is how you justify your actions. You need only answer to your baby not to him.

Good luck, be strong but know you alone are the best thing for your baby right now. Should things change you can reassess but this will be down to you not him.

Solasum Thu 18-Jul-13 22:43:46

I will be ok. We will be ok. We will be happy. My new mantra!

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Thu 18-Jul-13 22:48:59

smile You will.

betterthanever Thu 18-Jul-13 23:03:20

You will learn how to handle the stress he puts you under. 8 years on and a few books and a lot of great support on MN and I am starting to get there. You are describing my ex perfectly. You said that he is only doing it because he is scared.. he may be scared but he is doing it because he is not very nice - he is abusive - nice people even when they are scared do not behave in that way. Please tell the health professionals what is going on and cut contact. You are going to be just fine - it will be ok.

Solasum Fri 19-Jul-13 10:32:33

Thank you all.

When you say health professionals, do you mean the midwife? I do not have an HV or anything like that.

I feel like I have been bulldozed today.

betterthanever Fri 19-Jul-13 14:30:43

yes, sorry it will be the midwives whilst you are still pregnant but I would also log it with your GP too. And when baby is born inform the health visitors. I had some crazy idea that baby would be taken from me if I told them... it was all new to me then. You are doing the right things getting advice now - I wish I had been on MN 8 or 9 years ago.

sillymillyb Fri 19-Jul-13 14:38:40

Yup, tell your midwife, she will be able to reassure you and it's best that there is a record of what he is saying. I told mine everything and she was fab, a real support. Your hv usually comes out to do a home visit just before your due date, then they come after your baby is born, so it's worth mentioning to her as well when you meet her.

I'm sorry you feel bulldozed, can you take it easy today? Please try not to give him a second more head space, he can threaten to goto court all he likes, but recommended contact for young children is little and often (several times a week for maybe an hour) and unless your shooting heroin into your eyeballs in front of the midwife, there is no way a judge would recommend otherwise.

Sending hugs (and ice cream.... Don't envy you being pregnant in this heat!)

Do you have much rl support by the way? Friends? Family? Where in country are you? If your anywhere ear Newcastle I'd happily meet up for a coffee or something smile

sillymillyb Fri 19-Jul-13 14:39:24

Oops, slow typed and crossed posts!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 20-Jul-13 17:50:42

How are you today Solasum?

I expect you have clicked on Sections in the blue banner headings at the top of the page, and probably looked at Pregnancy, but in case you haven't, tons of useful stuff there.

Hello Sola

Just to say when I first saw my Midwife and told her about my situation, I was referred to a special midwife at hospital. I only saw her twice, but on each occasion she was fantastic. As far as I was aware, she was there to support women who were pregnant in difficult circumstances. I saw her at both my 12 week and 20 week scan, both times for a chat about how I was doing, and it was almost a bit of a counselling session. She also gave me her contact information and said she would see me/speak to me at any time.

I didn't see her again because I generally felt ok (and was having counselling provided through my GP). I guess my point is I found the healthcare provisions for my situation very good once they were aware of my circumstances.

Hope you're doing ok. smile

honey86 Sat 20-Jul-13 21:40:25

we can wobble together then sad

im 6 months pregnant with no.4 (my 3 dcs dad passed away) and im now single... my emotionally/mentally/verbally abusive ex is doing all he can to try and make me feel insecure... hes a nasty peice of work.

i hate him so much for the grief hes caused me and my family ill never forgive him i swear sad

why do these men get away with all this sad

honey86 Sat 20-Jul-13 21:48:46

and ive had the same court threats. hes even made a false allegation about me to childrens services. im nervous cos my social worker , although happy with how me and the kids and house are, say she needs to talk to him after the professionals cos hes the babys dad. hell lie and exaggerate and spew out this n that about me, just to hurt me and try to drag out social services involvement so he has something to say about me in court sad why cant he just stop his evil behaviour

Solasum Sat 20-Jul-13 22:39:01

Oh Honey , that is rubbish. But you know you have done nothing wrong, and your social worker does too. And so does your ex, who you are clearly better off without.

I am ok today, thank you. I have been at a big family do today, and felt a bit sad firstly that I was the only 'only', and secondly that all my siblings' children are now teenagers, so my baby will not have any cousins of similar age to play with. My mum asked me if it would help me if she took the baby while he is small, which was unexpected.

Solasum Sat 20-Jul-13 22:41:55

Tricky, I do not have another appointment for quite a few weeks, but will mention it when I do. In my booking appointment they did not bat an eyelid when I said I was single, so I guess it is pretty common these days.

Solasum Sat 20-Jul-13 22:45:06

Sillymilly, I am in London, so sadly not near you, but thank you for the offer, it is really kind of you!

SupSlick Sat 20-Jul-13 22:49:25

My partner broke up with me on the spot when I told him I was pregnant. Haven't seen him since & now have an amazing little 9 month old boy.
I just want you to know, I've been in your position. Some days I was so terrified of what would happen when my ex's conscience kicked in, if he would contest me for my baby. Other days I felt crippled by the loneliness, & other times I felt like no one sees my as anything else than a single mum & all the connotations that go with that label.
Now I'm fiercly defensive of being a lone parent, because I would rather my DS have no father than a bad one.

I really feel for you, It sounds to me like your ex is throwing a tantrum to hurt you. The fact that you are worrying you won't be enough for your baby shows you will be enough, because you're already thinking like a mum & putting your baby first.
I just want you to know, you'll hold your baby for the first time & none of these feelings now will matter.

notanyanymore Sat 20-Jul-13 22:58:16

Really ignore the 'I'll take you to court' crap, its an empty threat people like to throw about. A) it costs a lot of money B) they will expect him to have made some effort beforehand C) He'll need to make the effort to come and register the birth with you to begin with if he wishes to proceed further. It probably isn't something you want to think of right now but make sure you keep all records of texts/emails from this point forward and also a note of any run ins you have like last night. You need to stay in control of the situation, and keeping the facts could be of a massive assistance in the future should it come to it. Also, mention it to your midwife. Again it means its on record and they may be able to offer you extra support. And yy to having a student midwife at the birth, I had one with dc3 and it was lovely, think I actually paid more attention to her then anyone else in the room tbh.

betterthanever Sat 20-Jul-13 23:30:50

notanymore it makes no difference if they have not done anything in the past if they take you to court - they get contact and they get given them parental responsibility via court which is just a joke I know but it is how it is.The Op and many others go through all this and they can rock up at any time and act like `super dad' and the court goes great!! sup you are right that the fact saying she feels she may not be enough does show just how great she will be - my ex who has never done anything for his DS (who is now 8) claims to the court he is going to be a `great' father - no doubt in his mind confused

notanyanymore Sat 20-Jul-13 23:37:24

I meant they expect him to have made reasonable steps towards the mother to establish contact prior to taking it straight to court? Rather then just abuse and threats (which is why I think she should keep records). Plus the whole registering the birth thing? If he doesn't show for that does it impact court claims later? FWIW you sound like you're going through a hell of the time betterthenever and have a better idea of this kind of situation then me!

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Sun 21-Jul-13 10:07:08

Any contact or residency arrangements has to be in the best interests of the child. So the twunt here isn't going to get very far in his threats for residency unless he has strong evidence that solasum is a potential danger to the baby or has the potential to neglect etc. I'm guessing he has no such evidence smile

I found this on another thread which gives some insight into the considerations on how to structure contact in very young children. It's an Australian judgement but worth a read, if only to reassure OP just how empty her twunt's threats really are. He simply cannot rock up and take the baby as he wants, no matter how much bluster has has.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 21-Jul-13 11:23:59

As soon as he starts on about his rights think to yourself, "What's best for the baby?" which is what any agency involved would priorotise above his demands.

It's a petty retaliation if your ex thinks bullying you by splitting you from a newborn or infant is really the best solution to him impregnating you.

After 18 weeks a foetus starts to hear. What a shame if the angry bellowing noise it hears is the first sound of the father's voice.

betterthanever Sun 21-Jul-13 13:14:00

notanymore no, being on the birth cert has no bearing on the court case bar a question of why are you not on, which they usually reply to with `she wouldn't let me' mine didn't actually he said `he was not aware of the birth registering process' confused ! Mine sent me a demanding email to`see his DS' after leaving an inappropriate present on the doorstep then sent a sol. letter to ask for a DNA test confused then took it to court... my DS was 7 at the time.
Good point donkey my DS would have heard horribleness from his dad in the womb and not very nice ones sad
bunch if he took to court early on they would probably give him joint residency. I will read that link sounds very interesting. I wish someone would tell my ex that no matter what contact he gets it will not be an access all areas whenever he likes order.

betterthanever Sun 21-Jul-13 14:53:58

bunch the link is wonderful - I just wish all that, or at least a lot of it could be applied in my case albeit that my DS is older.

Solasum Sun 21-Jul-13 16:48:29

Donkeys, I did actually make the point about the baby being able to hear the shouting a few weeks ago. I cannot say it went down well. smile

Anyway, I am resolved no more shouting, or crying.

sola you sound so brave, your baby is very lucky to have you as it's mummy.

I'm waiting the arrival of my little acrobat any day, and can't begin to tell you how much of what you have posted resonates with me. I can't link as I'm on my phone, but you will probably be able to find links to my threads in relationships. I have also had the court threats and animosity off my stbxh and have learned that cutting contact is best for me and the baby for now.

I've cocooned myself away and this is a normal thing to do in pregnancy, and will also be a normal thing to do as you adjust to life with a newborn. MN has been an absolute life line for me as I've worked through the sadness and fears and anger.

I am pretty sure that in London there is access to doulas who will provide services for free in circumstances such as yours. I have a doula and it has been wonderful so far working with her on my birth plan etc.

I took months and months to find the courage to let people in RL know about the separation, but have received so much support as a result. Just take your time, find a way to make a safe space for yourself and try to avoid contact with your ex. If you can find my threads, I am sure you will find lots of helpful advice that could help you too

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 21-Jul-13 17:02:20

It's all about Fat Head I suppose Solasum tsk tsk his ickle ego or image hurt... Yes he may feel like the big man when he harangues you now but he'll look especially odious when you're 7 months' on if he still dishes out vileness.

Onto pleasanter things will you want to know the gender of your baby?

queenofthepirates Sun 21-Jul-13 21:42:51

Hi Solasum,

You are going to be fabulous and it will all be fine. No one cares if you're on your own (I thought everyone did but actually they were more concerned for me than building up pre conceptions).
Best of luck xxx

Solasum Sun 21-Jul-13 22:08:03

Donkeys, it is a boy. Still slightly in !! mode as I have never really had much to do with little boys. But I have always liked lego, so am hopeful our case is not hopeless.

Solasum Sun 21-Jul-13 22:10:34

Thank you all, Waves particularly, for the encouragement. I feel like I am back on an even keel now. flowers

honey86 Sun 21-Jul-13 22:11:30

lego is the nuts! until you tread on a bit with bare feet. yoww x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 21-Jul-13 22:18:35

grin Am sure you'll cope with Lego, or any toy he takes a shine to.

MariaLuna Sun 21-Jul-13 23:06:42

Hi Solasum,


I can imagine you find the prospect of single motherhood daunting and that's o.k. It's normal.
You are getting great support here.

You mentioned somewhere that you felt you wouldn't be enough for your baby. We've all felt that and you WILL be enough. Total love and good care is all a child needs (apart from the practicalities, obviously!).

Bringing up a child single-handedly is both the hardest and most amazing thing you can do in your life.
I did it from the age of 6 months. Up until then his dad was around but frankly it was so much simpler to do it on my own. If the father is not going to pull his weight 100% and even worse, make life a misery (his did), it is so much better and more relaxed just the two of you. I dread to think how my son would have turned out with his dad around with all his fuckwittery.

My son is now 22, a lovely, well-balanced guy, lots of friends, going to university and at the moment travelling in South America.

So, to all those people spouting rubbish about single-parent children being worse off, I say:
Fuck you! grin

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Mon 22-Jul-13 10:14:49

Ill second that MariaLuna grin

Solasum Mon 22-Jul-13 16:42:34

I am back to feeling wretched today, despite my mum giving me a pep talk.

I saw an old boyfriend (who is lovely), and he said he was worried about me and thought I should consider talking to someone (GP or similar) as I seem depressed and have apparently lost weight. I am a bit worried about doing this though, in case if I get 'help' it will give the father any advantage if we do end up not being able to be diplomatic, i.e. without court. Any thoughts?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 22-Jul-13 18:10:11

Weight wise, I lost weight when expecting both my DCs my mum did too.

You have a lot on your plate so not rocket science you may have lost some sparkle. Having the rug pulled out from under you so soon after learning you are experiencing a life changing event tends to do that!

Seriously I don't think worrying about it counting against you later if ex makes capital out of it is good enough reason to defer asking for help if you need it.

Realising you may require extra support and acting on this would be a sign of strength not weakness! That is, if you do feel vulnerable.

Arguably you could counter any such point scoring by asserting you'd be driven to it by his disproportionate ire stressing you and your baby unnecessarily. Even he must recognise a happy mother = happy child?

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Mon 22-Jul-13 18:26:48

If you need the help, you need to ask for it. I've been in your shoes only it was my own dad who was the arsehole to me through my pregnancy. The help I got was talking to a CPN, and latterly taking ADs to help me through a horrendous pregnancy. It will not go against you if you ask for help as that shows you understand your limits and when to get the help you need. Go for it, it will not make you vulnerable to your ex's threats.

betterthanever Mon 22-Jul-13 22:19:35

Your ex you saw today sounds really nice. I am glad you have also experienced someone caring at the moment.
I totally agree with this *Arguably you could counter any such point scoring by asserting you'd be driven to it by his disproportionate ire stressing you and your baby unnecessarily. Even he must recognise a happy mother = happy child?
I didn't the seek the help I should because I had the same worries as you - if I had sough the help I actually think it would be helping my court case as it would help demonstrate just what my ex did to me during pregnancy and just after the birth. I bet Kate Middleton doesn't get a first put in her face in a couple of days.

Confused40 Tue 23-Jul-13 08:18:41

Hi solasum
I can totally relate to how your feeling and what your going through. When I fell pregnant with dd her father said I'd ruined his life, he couldn't afford it, baby would have deformities, have an abortion etc.
I've not seen him since telling him I was pregnant. I had dd 7 weeks ago. My very close friend was with me, and I had a doula.
I'm loving dd so much and it is tough, but you'll get through itgrin.
Please make sure you have a strong support network around you. You'll need it after the birth. My friend stayed with me for a week after dd was born and friends have been amazingly supportive.
You can do this my lovely, and you'll gain so much strength. Yes there will be days when it's tough, but the benefits outweigh the negatives. Please feel free to private message me if you like. smilesmile

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