should i allow my ex partners girlfriends see my daughter when shes with her dad

(123 Posts)
lilworthy Wed 10-Jul-13 14:42:19

hi im new to this but im stressed about something so anything if you can help in anyway right my daughters dad has just got himself a relationship with a girl he met of the internet and they have been allowing her to come down without my knowing and my daughter meeting her and im upset as i still love him in a way but we been split for 4 years now they have been together for under a year and i told my ex when we was able to talk to each other that he dont let my daughter meet his girlfriend unless i have met her just to get to know her and know she wont cause any harm to my daughter my ex was abusive towards me and i agreed with his mum because me and him are not allowed to talk because he keeps saying he loves me and that. we agreed that his girlfriend will not come down when my daughter is to spend the weekend with her dad and they asked me if they could take my daughter to the beach i said sure because i throught it ment my daughter and her dad were going to spend time together but i have just found out by his mum that my ex invited his girlfriend to the beach with them and that her dad and his girlfriend left my daughter with his mum and that and didnt spend any time with her at all and they keep going behind my back and letting my daughter meet her when we agreed that dont happen and his mum threaten me with court and kept saying if i got a relationship they wouldnt want to meet him they wouldnt care but if that was to happen i would want my ex to meet him if i knew it was going to last even though ive been on my own 4 years now due to my ex lieing and threating and all that his family kicked him out my parents gave him a place to live when that happen his dad kept phoning the police on my ex partner for no reason that i know of and my exs dad hit him he came to me because we was living together and he wanted to phone the police on his dad because his dad hit him and i stopped that he parents never liked me and i dont really like them anymore i get on with them for my daughter but i have lost the trust and respect for them now and im confused about what to do
thanks

HeySoulSister Wed 10-Jul-13 14:44:55

Look, you can't stop him. He's been with her s while, not like its a new one every 5 mins

You are both equal parents

Jux Wed 10-Jul-13 15:01:33

I am interested to know how you think you can stop him.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 10-Jul-13 15:08:07

I think you're being unfair.

they have been together a year and really your EX can introduce your DD to anyone during his contact time and you don't get a say in that. do you ask to meet everyone he has in his home or everyone he meets while with his DD? what about his friends that you haven't met- do you insist they cant be there when your daughter is?

this is just you struggling to get over him and you know it is yourself. you are trying to put a spanner in the works of him moving onto another relationship and you wouldn't appreciate it if he was doing this to you and a new boyfriend would you?

you need to be an adult about this and accept that you and he aren't together and that you BOTH will have new relationships.

troubledmum1234 Wed 10-Jul-13 15:38:29

I agree with the others, it's not your choice to make.

Full stops would really help. And paragraphs.

AuntieStella Wed 10-Jul-13 15:49:52

I'd not up to you to "allow" this. He is her parent, and can choose who she meets when she is with him, and can leave her with whoever he chooses too. And seeing her granny is pretty unexceptional.

teetering13 Wed 10-Jul-13 16:29:15

Awww it's all shitty isn't it ... but like others have said, you need to step back.
When he's looking after your daughter, it's his rules .... chat to your daughter, keep it nice .. if anything horrible does happen (which is unlikely) she'll tell you. You can't be in control of everything and really now you've split you shouldn't have any say on his life like he gets no say on yours ...

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 11:40:58

i understand what you are saying and i have stepped back but what your not understanding is he thinks he does i havent had a relationship for the past 4 years because of him and do you think it is right to have my dd around when he was abusive to me and when he gets mad he becomes abusive and so is his dad but im getting fed up that and i said under a year because they got together a few months before my daughter turned 4 and she was 4 in march but i only wanna suss her out so to speak and you all think thats wrong and ive looked it up by law no father has to see the child their responsibility is that he knows about her care and schooling and stuff like that

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 11:49:24

The children's act clearly states every child has a right to a relationship with BOTH parents

It's your child's right

You and your ex have equal responsibilities

polkadotsrock Thu 11-Jul-13 11:57:59

If you don't want him to see her because he's abusive that's an entirely separate issue to him having a new gf is it not?

Jux Thu 11-Jul-13 12:00:52

Was the abuse documented by any official agency? I mean were police involved, or did you talk to a doctor about injuries or anxiety caused by emotional abuse?

If so, then you can ask a solicitor about ensuring your dd is kept safe when he sees her (supervised contact), but if not, then you are probably out of luck.

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 12:04:41

But op has been allowing unsupervised access for this long now.... To suddenly say no would look highly suspicious to a judge, if it went that far, especially as op seems to also now have a problem with the gf at the same time

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 12:11:23

i just wrote a message but it didnt post and all im saying so your saying its unfair for him to ruin life for me by threatening to kill me and smash my face in and take my daughter away it was getting so bad i had no choice but to get the police out and show them all the messages and the police told me to see a solicitor but i only come on here for advice not for people to pass judgement on me but please don't unless you understand my issue with this and it is that issues but as i said ive always told him i would want him to meet my partner if i have one i did have a relationship and my ex did meet him and my ex then got my bfs number dont know how or where from and started threatening him and that. is that fair on me to ruin anything i have and put me down that much i basically hate myself and you think it is right for my ex not to included me in on anything that happens in my dds life when she is with him and your saying i shouldnt care if my dd could be in any danger at all with him or his girlfriend

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 12:13:09

and it was unsupervised his mum was supervising it for me as she told me my dd would not be left alone with him

HoldingHigh Thu 11-Jul-13 12:16:33

Is this the first girlfriend your ex has had since your split? (wondering if that's why you feel as you do?) I can understand you wanting to meet her if she is going to be spending a considerable amount of time with your DD (for your own piece of mind also).

Has your daughter mentioned his girlfriend at all? If she is fine with it I don't really see a problem. You need to find out how your DD feels about all this.

TBH you need to put your own feelings aside (you say you still love him in a way). Is it your own feelings making you not want your DD to have anything to do with his girlfriend or is there genuine concern?

As harsh as it may sound you can't really say who can or can't be there when your DD is with her dad provided she is in no danger.

teetering13 Thu 11-Jul-13 12:25:12

What would be the ideal solution to this problem ... what do you want to happen?

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 12:35:04

no it aint the first girlfriend he has had since we split but they all broke up with him coz they found him texting me saying he loved me and he still did it with this one and she did mention her as but they have told her that she is her dads friend and how do i know she is not in any danger i might of been fine with it if they had told me that my dd was meeting his girlfriend but they never told me at all and i have put my feeling aside i have to for my dd and tbh i aint bothered about that he has a new girlfriend im bothered about my daughters safety her dad can be good with her but now coz of the girlfriend he aint spending any time with his daughter he leaves her all the time he dont spend time with her but i just want peace of mind about the girlfriend thats all like he would if i got a realtionship and i wouldnt stop him from meeting my partner if i got one i would want that so he would have the peace of mind but i feel as im getting judged on here because im concern on my daughters safety all i wanna know if she is ok all i know is that she has no children herself he met her off the net and that she is alot older than my ex and i wouldnt pass judgement on her all i want to do is meet her and get to know her then ill be fine on her seeing my daughter but im getting annoyed at the fact his parents are saying they have been together 2-3 years if that was the case they would of been seeing her since my dd was 2 and he got with her a few months after my dd turned 3 and he dont come to her partys on her birthday but thats not the point all i want is peace of mind im starting to get worried about my dd now when she goes

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 12:41:15

What's making you suddenly start to worry?

Gigondas Thu 11-Jul-13 12:41:19

I am confused as to why you are worried about gf (leaving aside your feelings for ex). What grounds do you have for thinking she is unsafe? Not having kids isn't of itself grounds for not being suitable. Have there been any allegations from your dd?

JumpingJackSprat Thu 11-Jul-13 12:43:41

Its out of your control.

HoldingHigh Thu 11-Jul-13 12:47:32

I'm not judging you at all. I think it's understandable that you'd want to meet someone who is going to be spending a lot of time with your DD. The only point if I may, part of your post does seem to come across as if you do still hold a lot of unresolved feelings for your ex.

If they've been together for the 2-3 years as you say then I agree that it is wrong that you don't know about her at all. Is there a chance to can convey your concerns - especially if as you say he's casting your daughter aside during her visits to spend time with his girlfriend. I'd just mention that it would have been nice to have known that your DD was spending time with his girlfriend when you had no idea he was with anyone.

If you know your daughter is in no danger with her dad you need to trust his judgement on who he's letting her spend time with.

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 12:49:09

If the police have been involved then they would be duty bound to report to ss as a child is involved. So what happened there op?

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 13:02:34

his parent told me they have been together 2-3 years and yes i had no idea of it and i did explain to them that i might of been fine with my dd meeting her if they had told me before hand but they never and thats what his parent has told me i found out her went and spend the whole day and night in a hotel with his gf when he was ment to have my dd and left her to be with his gf but i wouldnt of minded its the fact they never told me and i only want peace of mind of her now and i cnt trust him let alone trust his judgement mainly coz he was meeting underage girls and asking them out and they were all of the net thats why im concerned more now but i spend 24/7 with my daughter he only spends one weekend a fortnight with her and he didnt spend it with her but i might ask her myself if she would like to meet as i am concerned and yes i was jealous at some point when i found out but im over that i just didnt like he put me down and still does but ill move on with my life at some point but i only wanna know what the girl is like and ill be fine but i wont forgive that they have gone behind my back as not told me about it and the 1st meeting was that they were only together 3 months in my mind thats to soon for a new girlfriend to be meeting the dd and no police didnt get ss involved as i followed their adivce and see the solicitor and they had a word with him about his threats and was told not to contact me again but he still did i only want adivce not judgement coz it just makes me feel bad for having any concern on my dds life

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 13:14:15

OP I'm not sure I understand. Do you want to without contact because he is abusive? If so, why now?

And I'm not the grammar police, but would you please use full stops in your posts as they are difficult to read and understand. Thanks.smile

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 13:15:35

thats not the reason if that was the reason it would of been ages ago i would have stopped it and your not understanding this i never said i would stop the contact.

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 13:17:15

i said i would limit the contact not stop it!!. i would never stop my dd seeing her daddy!!

ThingummyBob Thu 11-Jul-13 13:22:01

You cannot stop him spending his time with dd any way he see's fit.

Same as he can't dictate who you spend time with either.

If however the person who you claimed to still love in your first post is actually an abusive fuckwit, then yes. You should take steps to prevent your dd being exposed to such behaviour.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 13:22:10

OP do you wish to limit contact now?
Do you think that your DD is at risk?

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 13:24:41

yes

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Jul-13 13:29:54

At risk from what? If you have thought your ex poses a risk to her why have you allowed contact for so long?

Gigondas Thu 11-Jul-13 13:33:26

I agree with chub. You said that your ex is no longer abusive. Nothing in your posts indicates gf is abusive. So what is your reason for limiting contact?

And no one is judging you - they are just trying to find out more to give proper help.

Snorbs Thu 11-Jul-13 13:33:51

lilworthy, Just because people here are saying that you can't insist on vetting your ex's girlfriend it does not mean that we approve of how he has treated you. He is clearly a nasty piece of work. But just because he's been a shit to you it doesn't mean you get more legal rights than already afforded by law.

As much as you want to meet this woman you have no legal right to insist on it. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear but it is the truth of the matter. I understand the worry about who your ex is introducing your child to, I really do. My ex has introduced my DCs to people I'd actively cross the street to avoid. But unless you have proof that they represent a clear danger to your child then there's nothing you can do.

If you limit contact between your DD and her father because you have not had the opportunity to vet his girlfriend then, if it came to court, it could make you look like you are being petty and no judge will back you up on it. Again, sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but I don't see any point in lying to you.

Regarding your ex's behaviour towards you then that is something I think you should speak to Women's Aid and/or Rights of Women about. It sounds like your local police are being more than a bit rubbish but Women's Aid and Rights of Women can both help you to get more protected from your ex's threats.

It sounds like his mother can't be trusted to tell you the truth. Is there someone else you could use to act as a go-between?

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 13:43:07

no because hes whole family has lied to me about it aswel and im not gonna have peace of mind and i have already spoke to womens aid and that all they did is saw a solicitor with me that is all

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 13:45:41

What do you fear is happening that puts your DD at risk?

Snorbs Thu 11-Jul-13 13:49:07

I could be wrong but I think part of the point of getting a solicitor involved is to create a paper trail. It's difficult to get an injunction against someone by just going to court and saying he's a cock. He'll just say "Sorry, didn't realise, I'll be much nicer from now on" and the judge will likely believe it.

If, however, there's a paper trail of your solicitor repeatedly telling him to leave you alone and you then still getting harassed by him then that is different. That will give you the evidence you need to show in court that not only is he a cock, he's a repeat-offender cock. You'll then be much more likely to get an injunction against him.

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 13:50:01

her relationship with her dad and harm im sorry but im not gonna have any peace of mind because i dont know if she will pose or cause any harm to my dd

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 13:57:51

Unfortunately, DDs relationship with her dad is not your responsibility.
Why do you think his new girlfriend poses a risk and what risk is it?

teetering13 Thu 11-Jul-13 14:03:23

I think you're jealous of the gf but I can't work out why because the ex sounds fuckin hideous

I think you give the ex too much control, he should never have met your bf ... because of you letting that happen you now think you have a right to have a say about his gf, but he's not letting you ... he sounds controlling and he's running rings round you, and unfortunately because you still have feelings for it, you're letting it happen ...

To be honest you just sound jealous that your ex loves someone else i think you are in danger of using your daughter to get back at him, she wont thank you for that as she gets older. If you really think your daughter is in danger stop access and tell the courts why. If you think her dad cant look after her why are you letting her go???

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 14:06:51

because his mum promised me of it but forget it i give up on this now as no1 is understand me i only love him because he is my dds dad and ive got no choice and i had no choice but to let my ex meet my bf at the time because he was texting my bf and telling him and kicking off at me! for no reason. but no1 is understanding.

Snorbs Thu 11-Jul-13 14:10:46

So let's say you meet her. She comes across as the reincarnation of Mary Poppins and gushes about how fantastic your daughter is and how much she loves spending time with kids. Will that give you peace of mind, or will it just lead you to start worrying about them playing happy families with your daughter and you being pushed out?

Or let's say you meet her and you and she's the reincarnation of Waynetta Slob and you and her rub each other up the wrong way. What then? Are you going to stop your daughter from seeing her father just because you don't approve of his girlfriend?

Or let's say you meet her and she seems alright but she's clearly nervous and a bit spiky about being forced into meeting her boyfriend's ex. Will that really put your mind at rest, or will you be worrying about how she might have just been putting on a front and, in secret, she might feed your daughter cat food?

Meeting her won't improve the situation. And, quite honestly, from what you've said of your ex he will either just ignore any requests from you to meet her or he'll insist on coming along as well and then do his utmost to cause an enormous argument between all three of you. That won't help matters.

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Jul-13 14:12:31

Right. You cannot dictate who your daughter spends time with when on contact time with her father. You just can't. You say you don't know if she poses a risk of harm to your daughter, well the same could be said of anyone and you have to assume she does not. Otherwise you could drive yourself mad wondering whether every adult your daughter encounters poses a risk of harm.

On the other hand if there is an actual risk of harm from your ex's behaviour towards you or her then you need legal advice. But you can't curtail contact just because you don't like the fact she will meet people you haven't vetted.

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 14:12:46

but thank you every one for making me feel like i should have no concern on my dd and her life or her safety but if you knew what i had went through you would understand but im stressed and im depressed due to this i would of been fine with it but no1 let me know he was meeting her but more of my concern is that he aint caring for my dd as much as he is for his gf and im scared he is gonna let happen to my dd what had happened to me

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Jul-13 14:16:25

You're really not listening to anyone op.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 14:19:24

What I am understanding is that you and your Ex had a very dysfunctional relationship when you were together and still do now that you are apart. You do not have to love someone just because you made a child together.

You say that his family have lied to you about the girlfriend. They probably thought that you would disrupt contact if they told you. And they were right!

You have no right to meet the girlfriend.
You have no right to withhold or limit your DD's contact with her father.

The best thing you could do for yourself and your DD is to get some counseling to help you get over this relationship and establish very strict boundaries regarding communication with him in the future. Limit it to collection/drop off details and nothing more. Stay out of his life and keep him out of yours as much as you can, but don't allow your feelings to impact DD's relationship with her dad.

Snorbs Thu 11-Jul-13 14:21:04

but thank you every one for making me feel like i should have no concern on my dd and her life or her safety

No-one here has said that. No-one has even hinted at that.

If you want to stop contact because your ex is an aggressive wanker then do it. The man sounds like an arse. He might bother to take you to court, he might not. He'll probably get the court to agree that contact should be reinstated but that all depends.

If you want to stop using his mother as the go-between because you can't trust her then fine, do it. She's had her chance and she's blown it.

If you want to limit/stop contact between your daughter and her dather just because you haven't met his girlfriend then that makes you sound like you're being unreasonable. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 14:21:34

but forget it im going to see a solicitor about it as ive just had a phone call and all i want is for him to TAKE HIS RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS DD!!!

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 14:24:55

tbh i dont care anymore because im too fucking stressed but yea you lot have just maded me feel as what he does and still does but fuck it i wont have any concern on my dd

Snorbs Thu 11-Jul-13 14:26:32

OK lilworthy. I hope you manage to find some kind of peace.

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Jul-13 14:26:38

I think if you actually bother to read the detailed responses you have had you will realise your ranty replies are bang out of line. Good luck with the solicitor and good luck to the solicitor with you.

you are not listening nor have you answered the questions that have been asked, just remember in 10 years time your daughter will be able to chose where she goes and who she lives with she is not a possession, she has two parents and a right to spend time with both of them. Unles of course you think she is unsafe and can prove it.

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 14:31:02

Sounds like he is being responsible.... He sees her regularly, waited a decent time before introducing gf. He sounds better than some

Can you just see a sol? Can you afford that op? Does legal aid cover this type of thing still?

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 14:34:06

i wish i could but i never will if you was me and you had done to u what i did you wouldnt and you would feel the same i am not myself and never have been since it all happen .i feel as i dont have a fucking life anymore and i dont care about myself. is that what you want to hear because this is what he has done to me. he has fucked me off im to scared to get in another a relationship which is what i want because i couldnt care less about him and his family anymore!!. they are all fucking dickheads!! but i have no self respect for my self because of him i only try and put a smile on my face for my dd but i cnt cope anymore but thanks for making me feel worse with all the judgement that has been passed against me

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 14:35:44

Judgement? Everyone here is saying the same thing to you op....

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 14:37:44

i wish i could but i never will if you was me and you had done to u what i did you wouldnt and you would feel the same i am not myself and never have been since it all happen .i feel as i dont have a fucking life anymore and i dont care about myself. is that what you want to hear because this is what he has done to me. he has fucked me off im to scared to get in another a relationship which is what i want because i couldnt care less about him and his family anymore!!. they are all fucking dickheads!! but i have no self respect for my self because of him i only try and put a smile on my face for my dd but i cnt cope anymore but thanks for making me feel worse with all the judgement that has been passed against me

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 14:40:23

Please contact your GP OP and ask for a referral to a counsellor. You sound depressed and anxious, but your DD should not have to suffer because of how you feel. Speak to someone and regain control of your life.

Good luck lilworthy.smile

PatriciaHolm Thu 11-Jul-13 14:40:54

You aren't reading anything anyone has said, are you? Just because no one has said oh yes, cut all contact now. We know you care about your DD. if you have genuine provable worries that he or the girlfriend are a threat, talk to a solicitor. If you just don't want your DD around them because you hate them, then see a counsellor.

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 14:41:24

im going to see a solicitor about what grounds his parents has to take me to court thank you but fuck it i wont care anymore and i have tried to answer the questions as i have and how is he being responsible? when he is leaving his daughter!.

SerotoninCanEatTomorrow Thu 11-Jul-13 14:44:34

OP you just aren't listening. You are taking offence for no reason - everyone is being really helpful and giving you advice, but you are reacting like a petulant child

You cannot dictate what your ex does in his weekend that he has access to his daughter.

You cannot demand to meet his girlfriend.

You need to move on - maybe get some counselling because you seem unnaturally attached to this man...

And seriously, I hope if you do see a solicitor you don't react like this when they tell you something that you don't like.

if you want random strangers to agree with you rather than give advice, there is another parenting board that might be more suitable

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 14:45:29

i dont hate them i have just lost trust for them thats all and no1 is understand i never said i would stop contact all together and whats the point when he is not spending any time with my dd and im depressed more now but ive been stressed and depressed since i was 8 after a horrible knife attack on me when i was 8 and me being sexual abuised thats why i dont trust so easily and i have tried so hard and its just gone against me

Featherbag Thu 11-Jul-13 15:00:13

How about setting things out simply and plainly OP, with full stops and paragraphs, and see if we're understanding you? Try just answering these questions - don't add anything or go off on a rant, just answer them.
1 - do you want your dd to have contact with her dad?
2 - if not, why not? In what way is contact detrimental to HER (NOT you?)?
3 - are you getting any help for your depression? Have you been referred to anyone by your GP?

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 15:00:35

You need to see a go for counselling then

He can leave her with his parents on occasion, just like you can leave her with a friend/relative etc....

Jux Thu 11-Jul-13 15:52:18

Lilworthy, no-one thinks you don't love or care for your dd.

May I try to see what has happened?

You were in an horribly abusive relationship with dd's dad, where you lost all self-esteem and confidence.

Police were involved.

The relationship ended (well done thanks).

Since then contact has occurred with the help of his parents.

He has often left dd with his parents so that he can go and spend time with whoever his current gf is.

He has interfered in a relationship you had after your split, as a result of which that relationship ended.

He is now seeing his dd every other w/e but still leaves her with his parents so that his new love life is inconvenienced.

His family have lied to you by not telling you about the current girlfriend, whom he has been seeing for 2 or 3 years; you had been led to believe that she had only been around for less than a year.

You would like to meet the current gf as you think she will spend quite a lot of time with your dd.

You are worried that your ex is not to be trusted with your dd.

You are worried that your ex's gf is not to be trusted with dd.

He has made some serious threats to you, and the police are aware of them.


Is that right?

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 16:11:36

Yes

teetering13 Thu 11-Jul-13 16:15:08

I've just read the OP again ...

Dad took daughter to the beach with his gf and his Mum.

The rest is just jumbled up .. he did/they did, he said/she said

For your own peace of mind you really need to get over your ex .. that's the only thing going to help you ... not starting wars involving the kid sad

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 16:26:43

Im not I just want him to spend time with dd and he is spending his time with his gf not dd that's what im upset about im with my dd when she wents up until she
Goes to bed only when she has nursery I go to work but im with her 24/7 and he only has one weekend to spend with her.

STIDW Thu 11-Jul-13 16:27:11

Does your daughter's dad have Parental Responsibility? From the legal POV Parental Responsibility gives both parents have equal responsibility and rights to carry out those responsibilities. That means parents need to consult and agree important issues such where the child should live, where they go to school and medical treatment.

However for day-to-day parenting decisions parents may act unilaterally and each parent can decide who children spend time with, what activities a child does and delegate child care to someone else. So posters are correct, you don't have any control to "allow" your daughter see the girlfriend or grandparents. If you are hostile towards them that is your issue to deal with and you shouldn't use your daughter as a weapon by restricting contact.

Parental Responsibility also means there is a duty to protect children from harm. When there is evidence from independent professionals (school, social services, health care professionals etc) children aren't surviving satisfactorily because of the effects of abuse or witnessing abuse it may be a reason to ask the court to regulate the perpetrator's Parental Responsibility.

The courts will then weigh any harm the child suffers from abuse against the damage to their attachments with the parent/grandparents and decide whether any measures should be put in place to ensure that the standard of parenting is "good enough."

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 16:30:16

hold on....so you are now changing it to you not wanting him to leave dd with grandparents and to be there with his partner, to do all childcare?

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 16:30:31

Im going to see what grounds his mum has to threaten me with court

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 16:34:05

No your not understand he has one weekend a fortnight
To spend with his dd and he only spends a little time with her because he works all weekend but I dont mind him leaving her with her grandparent as only one wants
Something to do with dd but he leaves her all the time. But I never said I would stop contact with him and our dd I have never said that

teetering13 Thu 11-Jul-13 16:34:28

On the plus side, your daughter has a grandparent that's involved in her life ... there's almost as many gp that don't bother as there is dads.

But anyway, I missed the bit where she's threatening you with court .. is that because shes worried you're going to stop access?

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 16:42:37

What exactly do you want OP?

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 16:49:33

I dont know but I would never stop my dd from spending anytime with my dd. I even told my ex he can come spend time with my dd if he wants ill go upstairs while he spends it with her.but his parents wont let him because they dont like me but im more stressed because his mum threaten to take me to court and im going to see a solicitor to see what grounds she has. I think its wrong but all I wanna do is be known to what is happening with my dd when she is there I aint bothered he is with his gf. but I dont think it is right for him to take
My dd to meet her without my knowledge

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 16:50:30

Spending time with her dad sorry

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 16:54:49

You have no say in what your Ex does with DD during their time together. As long as she is safe, the courts will not get involved.

What did his mother say to you?

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 17:00:59

he's been abusive to you yet you want him in your home to visit? no,thats not on op. DV is taken very seriously where dc are involved. any risk of it happening and you run the chance of having social services involved!!

what is his mum wanting to take you to court for?

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 17:04:17

She told me to go see my solicitor and she is going to see theirs thats what she said

HoldingHigh Thu 11-Jul-13 17:06:35

OP, he may have been wrong to make you aware that your DD is meeting his new girlfriend but maybe it was just a slip thought on his part and not deliberately intentional. How many times has your DD met her? Has she
told you each time she's met dad's friend? (as you say dad says she's a friend). I am aware that you feel the need to meet her but you come across as someone who hasn't accepted the closure of the relationship and somewhat hostile (without probably meaning to). Meeting her when feeling like this isn't going to do anyone any good. As long as your DD is happy with the situation - that's the main concern.

Has your DD said she doesn't see her dad much during her visits? If that's the case then I agree something needs to be said as it is affecting her.

As for her mum taking you to court - provided you don't stop access on the grounds of dad having a new girlfriend or a trivial matter I can't see where she'd get on the court route anyway. It would be a waste of time and money so I wouldn't worry about it.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 17:06:58

What was the conversation that lead up to her saying this?

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 17:07:51

right. so she wants her own access? or is it on behalf of her son? (which she cant take further)

look,most threats are just that,threats. why don't you keep a diary of events in anticipation of solicitors becoming involved?

before it got to court I suspect mediation would be suggested

keep doing what your doing but i'd suggest you distance yourself a little....work on your own life and try and move on a bit. see the gp?

HoldingHigh Thu 11-Jul-13 17:09:43

If the police were called during an incident there would most definitely be some sort of SS report about it somewhere as it's protocol for them to inform SS when a child is involved.

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 17:14:35

On behalf of her son and I wouldnt stop her seeing her dad ever im fine but all I wanted was to know that my dd is meeting her I wouldnt be so bothered if they had told me I dont care about him I think he is a arsehole. My dd had only said she had mry her once and why does my dd keep saying she dont want to see her dad everytime its his time to spend with her and she wont say why.sorry cant see my phone screen properly

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 17:18:15

And I am trying but how do I do that when ive got no choice but to see them and they make it hard for me when they come to pick her up they try and just take her away from me this is killing me because this is my dd

DonutForMyself Thu 11-Jul-13 17:19:50

You're concerned for her safety because her dad is an abusive arse. That has nothing to do with his new GF.

If your only concern about her is that he met her online, well sorry, that's how a lot of people date these days.

We're not all nut jobs, most of us are just busy people who don't have the time or opportunity to go and hang around in a bar to wait until we're picked up, we prefer to find out about a guy from some basic info on a website and then meet him. If we get on well, it may become a relationship, which apparently your ex & his GF have done. That doesn't make her a loser or a weirdo.

The fact that she has no children of her own is also irrelevant. If you're worried she will try and take your place, please don't. It's not as easy to love someone else's children as it is your own. She may well be fond of your daughter but I doubt she will be trying to take your place in any way. She'll probably look forward to the times she can be with her BF without DD in tow.

If you have genuine concerns about her safety then address those with the relevant authorities, but don't make this about the GF. I dreaded meeting my boyfriend's ex, but when I did we said a quick hello and she went off muttering about me seeming nice. She knows nothing about me from our brief encounters, but she trusts that my BF wouldn't allow someone to harm his kids. My ex doesn't have a GF but again, if he met someone it would be one of my business, especially if the kids liked her.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 17:21:29

Your Ex's mother cannot take you to court on behalf of your Ex. So her threats are empty and you can chose to document them in a diary or forget them.

Your Ex does not have to tell you anything about who your DD meets when she is with him.

None of us can possibly know why your DD says that she doesn't want to see her dad. And it doesn't really matter as you do not believe her to be at risk and you are not going to withhold contact.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 17:23:06

How are they making it hard for you?

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 17:25:03

so now you are saying your dd is not wanting to go?

the story changes fast!

HoldingHigh Thu 11-Jul-13 17:28:06

From the outside prespective you need to take a step away from the situation and accept it for what it is. Your ex has a new partner who is most likely going to be seeing your daughter quite a bit. If they've been together 2-3 years and your DD has only met her once then your ex has obviously given your DD some thought and looked at where the relationship was heading before introductions.

OP do you want your daughter to see her dad? if you do let her go, if you think its not safe keep her at home, im not sure what his girlfriend has to do with all this at all.

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 17:34:09

She has only mentioned seeing her once and said they went the beach and her dad amd his gf left them. And yes she says it all the time I dont know why. I keep asking her and wont say why shes told me she hates her dad I dont know why. But his mum told me that she has met 3-4 times!

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 17:39:51

but your dd goes off with them happily at handover? yet she 'hates' him? don't get it tbh

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 17:40:45

Yes and nor do I

HoldingHigh Thu 11-Jul-13 17:43:27

This thread is getting so confusing now. There's contradictions every other post. Either that or I'm not getting it...

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 17:44:32

Perhaps your DD is worried about you and your feelings OP. You seem to be indecisive, irrational, clingy, stressed, anxious and depressed. Your DD cannot but pick up on those feelings.

Go to your GP and ask for a referral to a counsellor. It's time for you to devote your energy to your issues and leave your Ex, his family and his girlfriend to just get on with their lives.

sounds like a stupid teenage drama to me, with no one thinking what is best for the child, and i still have no idea why the gf gets mentioned in the first post now its but my dd hates her dad...

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 17:49:10

Im sorry but I have nothing to do with him and its his family that keep contacting me so you cant say im not letting them go on with their lives

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 18:03:23

i'm more confused now

RobotBananas Thu 11-Jul-13 18:09:17

Arrghhh fucking hell. Use the odd full stop, etc. Thanks. My 5 year old uses punctuation better than you do.

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 18:17:42

Good for her!........

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 18:27:24

OP, you have demanded to meet his girlfriend. You have threatened to limit access to your DD. You are obviously having conversations with Ex's mother that are not simply about pick-up and drop-off arrangements.

Have your DD ready for collection, be there when she is dropped off and that's it. You do not need to interfere or engage with them beyond this.

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 18:31:07

But they are in mine great one!!

PatriciaHolm Thu 11-Jul-13 18:31:15

I suspect your DD is saying what she thinks you want to hear.

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 18:33:47

they can only interfere in your life if you let them!!

how do you communicate with them? text? phone? facebook?

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 18:34:00

I dont think she is its up to hear what she says about her dad

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 18:35:53

His mother will phone me and sometimes his sister will text me otherwise I have no contact with them at all. unless my dd has said something for me to be concerned about.

PatriciaHolm Thu 11-Jul-13 18:37:36

She's a child. Children want to please their parents. She'll be telling you what she thinks you want to hear and him whatever keeps him happy. She's, what, 8? There is a reason CAFCASS don't put much weight on the preferences of the under 10s; generally speaking they will say what they think their parents want them to say under stressful and emotional circumstances. You are so over emotional about this, you are inevitably influencing her.

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 18:38:29

block them then. or don't reply....you only need communicate with your dd dad. you need to toughen up now and stop them walking all over you

PatriciaHolm Thu 11-Jul-13 18:38:52

Don't answer the phone to her. Restrict communication to email only. Don't engage at the door. Or do you enjoy all the drama?!

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 18:39:16

Your DD has not said anything for you to be concerned about and it doesn't sound as though they are interfering in your life.

So stop making demands and threats and please, please speak to your GP. If not for your own sake, do it for tour DD.

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 18:54:01

His mother will phone me and sometimes his sister will text me otherwise I have no contact with them at all. unless my dd has said something for me to be concerned about.

ladydeedy Thu 11-Jul-13 19:36:22

How old are you? I'm sorry to say this but you sound like a very immature young woman. You and your ex split up FOUR years ago and you are still unable to move on?
Seriously, this is not right. Your ex and his GF and his family should not be any of your concern. Why are you even thinking of them? Let your daughter enjoy spending time with her other half of her family.
Get yourself some professional help as you are harming your child first of all, and secondarily yourself. It's not all about YOU.

teetering13 Thu 11-Jul-13 19:55:47

It is all about her though, if you're talking about her and daughters happiness .. I agree though, go to the docs, not the solicitors .. I think it'd do you a world of good to get this/your feelings under control, either by counselling or whatever ... but you don't sound like you're coping very well sad

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 20:23:12

Op is 21

Is he collecting her this weekend?

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 21:12:17

No next weekend and no im not coping I feel im doing everything on my own.

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 21:13:26

My dd is 4

IneedAyoniNickname Thu 11-Jul-13 22:46:30

Just posted a lengthy message, and it kerpoofed into cyper space angry

op I know how you feel about the gf. My ex introduced his last gf to the dc 6 weeks after we split! The poor lads were still trying to understand what had happened.They met his new gf a week into their relationship! Both times was far too soon.

However, in your situation the gf isnt the problem. If.your ex has been violent, he (imo) shouldn't have unsupervised access to your dd. You need to see a solicitor to sort this.

But what about you? You sound angry, resentful, depressed. Do you have a support network for you? Friends? Family? You need to speak to a gp or someone about how you feel, before it eats you up.

I've had depression, I've been there. It hard. Really hard!

lilworthy Fri 12-Jul-13 01:16:12

Yes he was his mum was ment to be supervisioning he can be a good dad but now he is being crap in that sense. And tbh im fine. Im just not coping as I was but other than that every one is against me. And making me feel like im doing everything wrong! I couldnt get less if he got hit by a bus.

teetering13 Fri 12-Jul-13 10:05:58

In your original post you said you still love him in a way ... now you say you don't care if he dies ... you really sound all over the place at the mo sad

HoldingHigh Fri 12-Jul-13 10:24:49

OP, please go and see your GP. Your emotions are all over the place. Maybe go to see a councillor to let it all out. With this help you may see things more clearly and have the closure you need. At the minute your emotions aren't letting you look at this rationally.

For what it's worth I completely understand where you're coming from about wanting to meet a person who may be spending a lot of time with your daughter. Unfortunately if you ex doesn't agree or the girlfriend doesn't want to then there's not much you can do about it I'm afraid unless the situation is really affecting your DD.

Jux Fri 12-Jul-13 10:58:52

OP, not everyone is against you, really they're not. It's just your ex's family and that's very common. Maybe you are spending too much time thinking about them, which makes what they think seem more important than it is.

You have said a few times that you're not coping. For this reason, it would be a good idea to see your GP. It may be that s/he can get some real help for you in place, whether it's someone visiting your home and doing things, medication or counselling.

It seems to me that you feel very alone and friendless in this situation. Please go along to the surgery and talk to your doc.

lilworthy Fri 12-Jul-13 11:33:01

Im fine and I dont need help

teetering13 Fri 12-Jul-13 12:00:51

Glad you're all sorted then now :/

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