Fed up of everyone having big sociable BBQs and me and DS being sat at home. :-(

(56 Posts)

Feeling a bit sad. sad

Why don't people invite us to their "family and friends" BBQs? Everyone seems to be having a lovely sociable weekend except us. Is it because I'm a single mum? [paranoid]

AliceinSlumberland Sun 07-Jul-13 15:55:28

You have one and invite them? I've found that this is the best way to increase future invites.

frissonpink Sun 07-Jul-13 15:58:21

Nope, we don't get invited anywhere either...and we live in a flat, with no garden, and would love an invite to sit outside having a BBQ!

Honestly? I think people just don't think!

nkf Sun 07-Jul-13 16:01:23

Can you go to a pub that does a garden bbq? Invite other friends who live in flats. Don't stay indoors. That will make you sad and paranoid.

Alice when I lived with EX we were the BBQ house, everyone came to us, but I had someone to help me out with it, lots more space, and it was mainly his friends and family that came (who I now hardly see obviously).

I couldn't manage a BBQ on my own. DS has autism and I have to keep an eye on him. Plus I couldn't afford to get loads of food and drink in. I know people will bring stuff along but I'd still be spending a fair bit more than my usual budget. I know from years of hosting them.
Maybe I could scrape some pennies together. :-/ I am also terrified no one would turn up. blush

All my neighbours seem to be having them, as does everyone on my frigging smugbook facebook. hmm

nkf Sun 07-Jul-13 16:06:32

I use those disposable bbqs. Or those bags you put in the bbq. They are easy. An, it doesn't have to be expensive. Not really. Sometimes we have bbqs which are just a regular meal cooked outside. Salad and chicken. Some sweetcorn. I know people go mad and grill for Britain but there is no need. And, really husbands aren't the only people who can do it.

badguider Sun 07-Jul-13 16:09:54

Organise/suggest a byo picnic in the park? That way you can budget and also not be "host"?
Even just suggesting the idea to your friends should imply that it's the kind of thing you'd enjoy and you might get more invites to people's bbqs?

I'm not one of those women who thinks I need a man to do manly jobs, I simply mean with DS's autism I need someone to BBQ and someone to watch him. It's not that I'm a woman it's that I'm just one person not two.

nkf Sun 07-Jul-13 16:13:14

Okay. Can you not leave him alone? Family who would come? I like the idea of the bring your own bbq. Do parks allow them though?

ThePskettiIncident Sun 07-Jul-13 16:13:27

I'm with you completely! My garden is too small for BBQ and we're on our own as usual!

We've had a lovely day at the beach but I'd just really like to part of everyone else's afternoon fun.

Bit maudlin on such a gorgeous day but it is there at the back of my thoughts!

nkf Sun 07-Jul-13 16:14:39

Sorry, I don't mean leave him alone in the house. I mean, I assume that he needs someone to be with him at all times/most of the time. So, I wondered if you could co-op someone to help.

Fizzyfuzzy123 Sun 07-Jul-13 16:19:44

I feel the same! My ds is only 17 weeks old so can't do one just having a lonely day c

I feel the same OP, get very envy I feel I'm letting my 3 DCs down, whilst everyone else's kids are surrounded by friends and family, can't have my own, I'm a billy-no-mates sad

Halfling Sun 07-Jul-13 16:29:05

I feel the same OP. Especially, since very recently I cooled off with two very close friends due to their inexcusable actions.

My whole social life revolved around these two families. So after this social hara-kiri, I am left with hardly any invites.

And the whole fucking world is having lovely barbecues around me and on bloody facebook.

I want to rain on your bloody parades!

Pannacotta Sun 07-Jul-13 16:31:05

I like the suggestion to find a local pub which does a family friendly BBQ and arrange to meet there on a Sunday afternoon with a friend or two. and all your DCs, much easier to arrange and less stressful.

Or just go out for a pub meal to a pub with a big garden where the kids can play?

It is sad that social life is often family/couples orientated, no idea why since there are so many lone parents and blended families.

scrazy Sun 07-Jul-13 16:34:36

I remember feeling like this. I know you said your carn't but I used to do a bbq for just DD and me, then invariably she would invite and friend or two and sometimes their parents, without asking me, then I got invited back.

She's grown up now and I'm sat in the garden alone sad

rainbowfeet Sun 07-Jul-13 16:42:13

I'm in exactly the same boat!!! It sucks!! Sooooo lonely!! confused

nkf Sun 07-Jul-13 16:48:38

Just think of those couples though. Some of them bickering away. And being resentful over who is looking out for the kids and who is drinking beer.

Can't you go out for a walk and stop for a lemonade in a pub? Or have an ice cream? Sometimes, our four walls do feel like a trap.

Yanbu. This is another reason why I quit Facebook.
I don't eat meat but I'd still like to go/do it. The cost scares me though.

SacreBlue Sun 07-Jul-13 18:56:09

For a small, inexpensive & not too intensive do - Lots of cheap salad items you can prepare in advance. Ask everyone to byo meat & drink. Inevitably some teenage kids or other guests will be happy to be in charge of BBQ or at least take turns.

Sometimes you just need to run your own thing & then you find others more willing to ask you to theirs, like being in a round I suppose? And often once you go for it on your own, it turns out ok - even if it's hard work/doesn't turn out as perfectly as you might wish.

Possibly worth asking if a friend or two would like to co-host. Maybe one that hasn't enough space to hold a BBQ but has more free time for example?

Bunbaker Sun 07-Jul-13 19:10:51

We had an unsociable barbecue this evening. Just OH, DD and me. It was great.

Its crap isn't it op. I cant host bbqs for the same reason. He's autistic and really doesnt cope with people here, his language and behaviour deteriorates when people come. He's aready alienated me from the neighbours anf no one really speaks to me here let alone invite me to their bbq!

I have friends but not close ones. All have large families with husbands or partners and last time I tried to have a gathering when ds was away no bugger turned up. I was gutted.

I don't bother any more. Ive always been on the outside looking in never quite there and never cared about quite enough. My kids are missing out I know that.

Sorry ds is autistic

RitaFajita Sun 07-Jul-13 19:34:39

I sometimes use the disposable ones for DD and me just hot dogs or something but still fun, and don't feel so depressed smelling everyone elses BBQs.... am so out of practise of socialising and hosting that never really invite anyone else these days. And we're never invited to anyone elses BBQ's - I'm fairly quiet which makes it easy to be forgotten I think. Plus I'm not a smug married - used to be.... maybe that's the problem - a reminder that marriages don't always last forever!

Ditto to all of the above! Have been on my own now for 9 years and very fed up with hearing about the busy weekends all my friends have - it does seem as if being lone parents makes us invisible!!

frissonpink Sun 07-Jul-13 20:47:38

I'm not technically a lone parent, but still on mat leave and Dh works long hours so am always in on my own. I feel very invisible at times.

However, I still like to think that ppl just boast on FB and it's probably not half as interesting as they like to make out smile

lisalisa Sun 07-Jul-13 20:56:54

Well if it makes you feel any better I'm no t alone parent or blended famiy and still sat on my own arguing with ds all afternoon as the neighbours bbqed away , put up gigantic paddling pool and whole road was there but us - really feel like billy no mates so it can happen to ther marrieds too sad

girliefriend Sun 07-Jul-13 21:02:19

Yourhandinmyhand - I am with you!!

If I had a garden - I would invite you to our bbq smile

Sorry for disappearing. It's been a tough day. sad

Sorry to others who are in the same boat, it sucks doesn't it.

I am quite quiet too and I think some people forget about us. I agree it feels rubbish to know I am easily forgotten.

I will try to be more proactive in the future but I suffer from anxiety and depression so I find it hard to do the essentials a lot of the time never mind anything extra. I put on a good show of being independent and "together" though. I guess it would be nice to know people had thought about us and invited us out.

revealall Sun 07-Jul-13 21:33:01

Ghosts that's really horrid (the bit where no one turned up). Where do you live - I'll come.

Ghosts that is rubbish of them! angry

I've always felt like I'm on the outside of friendship groups too and yes I do feel bad for ds and worry he's missing out. He does miss our "bbq parties". We said goodbye to our social circle when I left wanker ex. I have some new friends but I don't think they consider me as close a friend as I would consider them.

sara11272 Sun 07-Jul-13 21:59:31

yourhand I could have written your post yesterday! I'm not a lone parent but my DH works weekends and I could smell bbqs and hear people socialising all over the place while i was stuck on my own with my hot grumpy children. It has the potential to make me quite down.

I do think it's sad that weekends are couple/ family time for lots of people and I genuinely think they just don't consider inviting people who might be on their own - not through nastiness necessarily, just unthinking-ness.

Yesterday I was so peeved I put something on fb along the lines of 'why is everyone else having bbqs while I'm stuck in on my own!' - and as a result, a friend invited the kids and me round to join their barbie. I had a totally unexpected and really nice evening, cheered me up no end.

I think sometimes we try too hard to put on the 'everything's fine', happy 'Facebook' face and if we let people know how we're really feeling, all kinds of good might result. I'm going to try being more honest in future (not just by whining on fb! - but just being more willing to show when things aren't so rosy) and see if it helps. I think people tend to take each other at face value and forget that there might be lonely souls behind happy faces.

I would definitely join your park BBQ (and I would have come to yours, Ghost - how rude people are!!)

SnoopyLovesYou Sun 07-Jul-13 22:29:59

Ah this thread cheers me up so much!!!!!!!!

So nice to know I'm not the only one!


steppemum Sun 07-Jul-13 22:37:09

Oh - we had a big BBQ today, but it was a leaving do for a friend moving, and so it was all her friends that we had here.

It is the first time we have used our garden for a party and decided it works, so I will now invite you all and we can have a mn BBQ meet up in my garden next Saturday
bring enough to feed yourselves (sausages and rolls and bottle) and we will all share.

(any of you near Swindon??)

BlackeyedSusan Mon 08-Jul-13 00:03:13

i love barbeques. haven't had one for ages. we used to get invited toone, but it would be too difficult now with the children. one has asd, the other mobility problems. not easy to supervise and relax with.

I guess they had better places to be sad

No where near swindon steppemum. I'm in North Wales. Anyone near Wrexham?

Ive had to turn off facebook this morning as everyone seems to be posting pics of the lovely get togethers over the weekend, ah well. Ive promised the kids a water fight later so bugger em I say. I might even get one of those disposable bbqs and do my own, just sausages and burgers for them smile

coribells Thu 08-Aug-13 20:36:13

I do BBQs on my own for the kids. I never get invited anywhere either, I'm just not good at making friends . Any other slightly socially inept people living nr London, lol?

shanelle5 Thu 08-Aug-13 21:14:18

I love those disposable ones, even I can work those grin
I got a couple from the local pouns shop and had a lovely tes with the kids the other evening. We got all the garden toys out, and I just did burger and sausages on one but marshmallows/smores on the other was the highlight! It was a cheap tea tbh and good fun.
Who needs men Pah smile

moomoo1967 Fri 09-Aug-13 09:46:48

I am going to play devils advocate now but I quite like sitting in the garden with my nibbles and a glass of wine and a book .... on my own. The peace is lovely. In the past I have invited DD's friends etc to mine but DD has never had an invite back. I soon learnt to not take it personally.

devilinside Fri 09-Aug-13 10:55:26

Funny how a few of us have ASD kids! I feel the same, fed up with seeing everyone else meeting up over summer, my children don't get invited either, DS has ASD and DD suspected aspergers. I'm in Reading

cestlavielife Fri 09-Aug-13 12:08:02

we have bbqs with family and with one LP friend and her dd.

where are you based yourhand? and ghosts? i have oldest ds autistic and garden for bbqs; you very welcome to come smile (he tends to stay inside and ignore us but will comment after that xxx came for bbq!
we in nw london

try contacting NAS and making contacts locally - is much easier with other families who understand...

or specialkidsintheuk.org (they run an annual camping trip in shropshire attended by lots of kids with issues... )

cestlavielife Fri 09-Aug-13 12:11:03

add blackeyed and coribells ! now we have a party...

ds is 16 and dds are 11 and 13

JakeBullet Fri 09-Aug-13 12:18:33

Good to know I am not alone. I live in a cul de sad, a nice and sociable street BUT...DS is autistic, high functioning but autistic nonetheless. The children in the street have quickly realised he cannot cope with being teased but have not the maturity not to do it....so we don't get to socialise. I always feel a bit of an outsider but have come to terms with it.....we have a garden so I do my own BBQ with DS and sometimes invite a friend over.

Where in the country are you? Near any of us here in this thread?

devilinside Fri 09-Aug-13 18:41:14

Jake, that's hard for your DS, fortunately my DS has been taken under the wing of an 11 year old who sticks up for him when the neighbourhood kids try to tease him

stillenacht Fri 09-Aug-13 18:42:37

We are the same OP. prob down to our DSs SN. It feels crap though eh hmm

Just seen my thread in active convos smile.

I too am interested in the fact that a few of us have DCs on the spectrum. I suppose it stands to reason. A lot of relationships are put under strain when your kids have additional needs, hence more of us are single parents, plus it can mean we struggle with social stuff too.

Following this thread I put some big girl pants on and hosted a BBQ. I invited 2 other single mums and 1 couple. The couple didn't come (trouble in paradise wink ) but us 3 single mums and kids had a really lovely time. smile I can't afford to do it often as we usually eat very cheaply but it was really nice to have a bit of company and I am pleased to report I managed the BBQ and DS fine with my friends also keeping an eye out too. Next time I am going to invite family, then rotate and invite friends, and so on.

I am in East Yorkshire so quite far from those that have posted locations but if anyone is nearby that would be fab!

While it's been the summer hols I've tried really hard to be proactive about keeping in touch with people, and reaching out to new ones. I'm hoping this will help. I've met up with someone from our autism group at the park, and have the number of a mum from DSs swimming lessons and we are hopefully going to do something too.

Jake we have the same teasing problem at school. And in the neighbourhood. And at the park. DS has a fear of something very random and they love shouting this out to see his reaction. angry It gets me soo cross!

There are some kids who are kind and understanding though, they just take a bit of finding.

wonderingisitme Fri 09-Aug-13 18:56:50

Is anyone here in london maybe a bit short notice maybe we could all have a meet up and have our own little bbq in a park somewhere this weekend?

coribells Fri 09-Aug-13 19:55:25

Isitme, where a outs in London are you?

Scruffey Fri 09-Aug-13 20:28:48

Op, your real problem is Facebook, not anything else.

Food cooked on the grill or in the oven is much nicer anyway. Not sure why people are so fixated on BBQs. I went to a BBQ at someone's house and we decided the BBQ was a PITA and we cooked the food inside and took it outside to eat.

Scruffey it's not just facebook. It's literally in my face usually on a sunny day with gardens on every side of our house having jolly outdoor gatherings.

Yes I see people on FB publicising their BBQs but the ones right near our house make me sadder and I usually end up going out to the park or somewhere just me and DS as it makes me feel so sad.

pining Sat 10-Aug-13 21:22:32

Yep. Its definitely not paranoia, even my best friend of over 15yrs now has lovely couply bbqs and covers fb with all the photos. I dont know why it happens when we become single. Just need to make more single parent friends i guess, then the financial side of things wouldnt even need to be discussed cos we would automatically bring food/drink along.

wonderingisitme Mon 12-Aug-13 10:41:45

Cori im in south london.

burberryqueen Mon 12-Aug-13 10:48:17

YANBU it is not paranoia - all those "smug marrieds" do not want single mothers around it upsets their numbers and besides you might try and cop off with the husbands. or something. or perhaps they might "catch" your single motherness,
it sucks tbh

elliebellys Mon 12-Aug-13 11:13:00

Ghostgowoosh,i live near wrexham.waves hand.lol.

makemineapinot Mon 12-Aug-13 23:21:37

Me too - all summer, sitting just us in the garden sad. And our fave country park has steel plates at one end of big picnic tables so even when we go there I'm left sitting alone while dc charge about and everyone around us s having fab family/friendship group picnics/bbqs. Aahhhhhh... I too used to be the big BBQ hostess before leaving my ex. Moved up to Scotland after divorce and seem to be the only single mum in the village sad

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