he hit her !!

(44 Posts)
lilmamma Sat 29-Jun-13 23:10:43

my daughter and her ex have gone through a lot, basically he cheated on her when pregnant, she wont get back with him, he is totally gutted and still loves her, but has moved on, he makes everything difficult and threatens her, he hasn't bonded with his son and is indifferent to hm, but takes him for a few hours, so so he can see my daughter, he tries to ruin everything she does, I keep a book as the solicitor advised, and note all he does, last year he was punching her on the arm and she told him to stop and why was he doing it and he said, cause I can. her solicitor to get it logged with the police, she didn't want to do this as she said he will apoligise tomorrow which he did.

I said you should still get it noted for future but she didn't. Today he came to take his son to a party, and said I don't like them clothes on him, so my daughter said tough, when you buy and pay for them you can choose, he looked cute navy shorts and a navy and white t-shirt, all brand new, he said he looked lke the kid off the adams family and went upstairs throwin his clothes about and put on jeans and a sweatshirt , it was warm today and he was going to an indoor bouny ball place.

as he was leaving, they had an argument about how he wants her back and she said no way, and he punched her in the face, and walked away, yelling threats, he has texted her saying, he is going to smash her home up and each time he sees her he will hit her and if he sees her with another man he will smash their faces in aswell..

sorry this is so long, he said to her, she will be hearing from his solicitor as he wants his son each weekend and walked off, im not so worried about the smashing the house up he is always full of threats, but hitting her, I told her she must log it with the police, any advice at all ??

on his face book he said seeing my child laugh and smile is priceless, I wanted to put and smacking his mother and throwing the birthday party bag and cake round the room is that priceless, but he would just delete it'

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 29-Jun-13 23:15:59

Yes log it with the police. He shouldn't be allowed contact, vile scum. If you witnessed the argument and can remember what he said word for word then write it down before you forget. If your DD will let you photograph her injuries then do that too.

How is she? Is she frightened of his threats? Does she want to stop contact? Has she had medical attention?

If you can get her to phone Women's Aid (0800 2000 247) they will be able to offer specialised support. Look in the yellow pages or google to see if your local area has specialised Domestic Violence support services too - they are often easier to get through to than the national helpline (which may be engaged - do leave a message as they will ring back ASAP) and this is classed as domestic violence as they have a child together and were together in the past.

Good luck sad Horrible situation.

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 29-Jun-13 23:16:39

If you repost on Relationships or Legal Matters as well you might get more specialised advice quickly which might be a priority at the moment.

lilmamma Sat 29-Jun-13 23:22:33

Thankyou for your quick reply I will tell her.she isn't frightend of the threats, more shocked he actually hit her in the face. I wasn't there, but his friend was outside in the car and she thinks he saw him as he pushed her inside the front door, but she has a mirror on the wall, so he could have seen, but she said his friend looked shocked as her ex was yelling.

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 29-Jun-13 23:33:09

She should/could log the threats anyway. The police will take this kind of thing very seriously especially as there is a child involved.

Definitely copy and paste the OP into a thread in Relationships, that board is very busy at this time of night and a lot of people have this board hidden if they are not LPs. It's not against MN rules or any kind of etiquette, especially as time may be of the essence.

lilmamma Sat 29-Jun-13 23:40:18

I don't know how to copy and paste into another page sad

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 29-Jun-13 23:44:55

Highlight all the text of your OP, right-click, copy, start new thread in relationships, right-click in the text box and paste smile

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 29-Jun-13 23:45:39

Hang on don't worry - I'll do you a link smile

lilmamma Sat 29-Jun-13 23:47:55

ok thankyou so much, im hopeless, my children usually do technical stuff for me, but either in bed or out smile

notanyanymore Sat 29-Jun-13 23:49:38

Don't rely on his friends backing her up, ime they were always 'looking the bother way', but def contact police and keep the texts.

lilmamma Sat 29-Jun-13 23:54:49

iam taking her in the morning, and she has got all the texts munched, as he deleted them last time, she even has one were he has admitted to hitting her.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 30-Jun-13 00:02:27

That's definitely good. That should help especially if she can log it while there is still other evidence "fresh" so to speak.

If she did go to the police now she is not tying herself into pressing charges later, if she is worried about making a decision too quickly. But if she doesn't log it then it might be more difficult for her to press charges later if she decided later to do that, if that makes sense? ie speaking to them now would give her options whereas leaving it might close options off.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 30-Jun-13 00:06:52

Oh sorry missed that you are taking her to the police in the morning. That's good. Lots of tea and sympathy for her tonight - I expect she's feeling all over the place sad

lilmamma Sun 30-Jun-13 00:08:58

I said this to her last time, she is worried they will phone him, but I said they wont, it will just be logged, hope that's right. she only turned 20 last month, so this is all a bit scary for her, but thanks again for all your help.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 30-Jun-13 00:15:16

I don't know, I'm sorry sad Women's Aid will definitely know. I would have thought as it is sensitive they wouldn't let him know but I expect they'd want to interview him? Women's Aid will be open tonight if you want to give them a call either yourself or for her to and they will definitely not ever contact him about anything.

lilmamma Sun 30-Jun-13 00:32:39

thankyou I will tell her.

calmingtea Sun 30-Jun-13 08:18:39

I think you need to advise her never to have direct contact with him. If he is using their child to see and control her, she can take that power away from him. Either you can deal with handovers at your home with her away at the other side of town, or it can be done through a contact centre. He is a violent man and controlling. There is no need to anything to go straight to her, she could block his number and change her email address. Block him on facebook. If he comes round again call the police as he has already threatened her. Definitely log all of yesterday's drama with the police asap. Take pictures of her face if there is bruising.

Purple2012 Sun 30-Jun-13 08:25:20

It will depend on where you are on what the police do. Where I am there is a policy of always arresting the offender. Google domestic abuse service. Where I am ifyou rreport it to your local domestic abuse service they will log it with police and the offender doesn't have to be arrested.

Hopefully your daughter will want him prosecuted but try to be patient if she doesn't. It often takes a long time for victims of domestic abuse to be ready to do that.

mummytime Sun 30-Jun-13 08:43:19

She definitely needs to report it to the police, and get photos etc. of any visible injuries.

She needs to stop allowing him access to her home, even when picking up his son. He has no right to come in, and regardless of the violence should be collecting from the front door end of path.

However this violence, means that he has committed child abuse by allowing his son to witness him hurting the child's mother. So all contact via a contact centre might be the way to go, at least initially.

She really needs proper legal advice.

Hissy Sun 30-Jun-13 08:51:34

She needs to go to the Dr as well, to get the injuries logged and the attack on file.

The more places this is registered, the more strength she will have legally.

Distrustinggirlnow Sun 30-Jun-13 09:46:40

Saw the link on relationships so came over to give my support to you OP and your daughter.

The fact he hit her is awful, she must of been so frightened....
The fact that he went into her house and upstairs to change the little boys clothes isn't right either though. It's not his house! Selfish, entitled twunt!

She most definitely needs to distance herself from him as best she can. WA can help with this as can the DV unit.

Show her is thread so that she knows beyond doubt that this isn't acceptable behaviour.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 30-Jun-13 10:14:24

Yes do also let her know if she wants to post everyone on here will be supportive and give her good advice. Not everyone is a middle class well off married woman in their 30s - I got fantastic advice and support here when I was 20, mumsnet doesn't judge, at least not in cases like this. I'm still here and I'm 25 now shock

lilmamma Sun 30-Jun-13 22:40:34

Thank you all so much, will show her this, we went to the police station and believe it or not the two local ones were shut, only the main one in town is open which is a few miles away, so we are going first thing tomorrow. He phoned me today and I told him it was not acceptable to be hitting her, he said he didn't, until I said I have seen the text messages he had sent her, saying he had, and he said oh it was only a slap in the face, I wanted to kill her, he has made more threats, she has kept them all, said he is going to see a solicitor on Tuesday, that he has taken photos of her fridge contents, as there is a bottle of wine, the child could get, she has bottles in the back, which he could fall on, they have been there since her party for her birthday, which were removed today, the child hasn't been in her back, since they were there, and they were stacked safely, he is looking for things that aren't there.he is going to phone the housing and say she doesn't stay there and only uses it as a party house, she has had two partys, one for her birthday and one for her sons 2nd birthday.Her home is immaculate, and the little ones bedroom is amazing, a tribute to peppa pig with a 50ft mural. he sent a message before, iam going to destroy your world, so that will be shown to the police aswell.The sad thing is, he has never shown any interest in his son at all, and admitted to me once that he hadn't bonded with him, he is only does all this because she wont take him back. his sister said he is very much like his dad who was very controlling of their mother.I will let you know what happens, and thankyou again.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 30-Jun-13 22:49:47

He sounds like a right piece of work sad sadly police will have seen it all before and they will see right through him, hope that is reassuring even though it is horrible.

Sounds like the best thing would be that his son doesn't see him at all - he sounds like a very damaged young man, such a shame, but it's not too late for your grandson. I'm glad he's got you and your DD on his side to protect him, you both sound great. It's hard being a young mum without all of this to contend with. Send her my best wishes xx

LineRunner Sun 30-Jun-13 23:54:51

Forget 'logging'.

Report this to the police. That means you phone the police. Please. The police will do their best for you. Like they did for me.

gruffalosmother Mon 01-Jul-13 18:45:21

please ring police, do it now before u.change your mind. this is a serious assault. I was in an abusive relationship, I only rang police once and changed my mind last minute about pressing charges. I regret it so much now its caused so many problems with having to provide evidence. this guy is very dangerous and needs to b kept away from your daughter and her baby . look what is in the news atm. it happens. ring police and then women's aid.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 01-Jul-13 23:44:24

also, expect him to phone social services about her. contacting the police will help to reaassure social services that she is taking steps to protect her son.

you need to phone the police about the threats he has made. sadly, they may be real, rather than just a scare tactic. woth getting thoise logged so they have the address tagged as urgent.

cestlavielife Mon 01-Jul-13 23:56:44

For goodness sake report to police and stop contact .

Let him go to solicitor but have the police reference number. Refusing to believe relationship is over is a bad sign for possible violence . And it is a risk factor for child too.

He should see son ina contact centre for now until there is evidence he can behave.

The child will be fine not seeing dad for few weeks while proper contact is sorted.

She must not let this man in her house or near her
Report his threats to the police

lilmamma Tue 02-Jul-13 21:14:52

we went to the police yesterday and they were really nice, we went into a room with a lovely policewoman, she said if my daughter wanted to report it, he would be arrested right away, and this scared her, and also he lives with his grandmother, and she didn't want to upset her, the police lady said she wasn't happy with her walking away and she will be back in work on Thursday night, for to go away and have a good talk with me and she was happy that she is staying with me. so thankyou for all your advice, but until she decided to do something there is not a lot more I can do, I have messaged his grandmother to let her know what is going on as he is a great and convincing lier, so I will have to go with her wishes for now, but if he goes near her agin I will call the police myself, thanks again

cestlavielife Tue 02-Jul-13 22:58:16

Why should his grandmother believe you ? Best is to have police arrest and question him let him explain to police.
He will probably get a caution nothing more but it means it is recorded so if it happens again there is more evidence to keep child away from him.

Protecting his grandmother is not protecting her and her child from a violent lying man.
Who should she be concerned about ? Herself and her child?
Or the grandmothers feelings ?

lilmamma Wed 03-Jul-13 07:11:05

I totally agree with you, the grandmother does believe me as I have known her several years and she knows iam a decent person like herself, iam trying to talk some sense into her.I know I shouldn't have to, but that's how it is sad

cestlavielife Wed 03-Jul-13 22:29:36

Just make sure you take action and report the next incident to the police yourself and try and get your daughter away from this man.
If you trust the grandma then you could deliver the child to grandma for his dad to see him.

Of course the guy apologises after that is how abusive people work

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 06-Jul-13 20:48:01

Op do you live in the uk?

lilmamma Mon 08-Jul-13 07:59:54

yes I live in the uk

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 08-Jul-13 10:49:27

Then its important that she knows that if she does not cooperate with reporting and taking steps to keep away from him that the uk has a policy of ss cp referrals being made by police automaticly as soon as they deal with a DV incident where children are involved.

If she cooperates and safeguards the baby and herself all that will happen is a letter or phone call saying no further action. If she does not then they will take steps to make her via the cp process.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 08-Jul-13 12:18:56

social services place a lot of responsibility on the non -risky parent to protect the children. if she does nto call the police then they will set up a case conference and the childen will quite likely be placed on the at risk register.

lilmamma Mon 08-Jul-13 17:24:49

I will show her all these messages and hopefully she will see sense, he phoned me before and said he will be down at 4 to see his son, I said she isn't back yet, as she has took him to the beach with his friends, and their mums, and he started to rant at me, she should stay in knowing he is coming down, and he will take him and not answer her phone calls etc, that I defend her too much, because I said its a nice day and why should she sit in waiting for him, when many a time you don't bother to show up and he yelled and hung up on me, the phone did ring back but I ignored it. Im sick of the whole situation and his controlling ways, he went to another country for 4 months and wasn't bothered about his son then, and was going to live there, only it didn't work out, so now he has took back on what he dropped, and to try and control her, he has since nov last year bought 2 boxes of nappys and wipes and 1 pair of pumps, and he works full time, not even a penny, heis unbelievable.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 08-Jul-13 17:57:37

Why is she letting him take the baby?

Its a bit of a no no when you have a violent nut job.

Why are you even engaging in conversation at all with him?

lilmamma Mon 08-Jul-13 22:23:41

Its easier this way, otherwise he goes all nasty, and at least I can keep an eye on him and what he does. He doesn't take him out, he sees him in my house, its not really what I want, but I feel torn and I agree exactly with what everyone is saying, im stupid I know.

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 08-Jul-13 23:18:27

You're not stupid, you're trying to make the best of a very difficult situation.

Will your DD speak to women's aid or a solicitor? If not, would you consider seeking advice on her behalf? At least just information on what her options would be.

Does she read books? There is a great one called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft which is amazing for translating the crap these men spew out into plain English and may help her move forwards. I am concerned for her and feel her reluctance to press charges may be misguided. Can you press charges yourself? I don't know how the legal system works. I know she is an adult but you say yourself she is young and feels overwhelmed; maybe she wants someone to take it out of her hands and deal with it so that she doesn't have to. He has assaulted her, seriously threatened her and seems to have no interest in his son other than to use him to continue to control and torment your DD.

Adult or not, if she was mine I'd be fighting for her to remove this vile piece of scum from her and her sons life as soon as humanly possible. And then book her onto the freedom course!

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 08-Jul-13 23:40:43

Its not stupid your concerned about what will happen if your not around.

Have a chat with woman's aid they can reassure you that there are several steps she can take to prevent him giving her hassle and grief and being demanding and controling with the baby and using the child to abuse her.

ladybird999 Thu 11-Jul-13 05:17:37

He's in control, never doubt it.

A punch in the face is evidence enough - you are sadly facilitating, like your daughter. That is how these psychotic types work. On your decency and making you feel guilty.

He is getting what HE wants.

I was in this situation with two babies. I got out, far away into a refuge.
A complete cut. This is such a volatile situation.
And dangerous.

Then, mediate, on your terms, with solicitors. Access? In a contact centre only.

JakeBullet Thu 11-Jul-13 05:56:22

He is absolutely dispicable.

Make new rules, do it today ad ring Wmen's Aid.

You don't want or need this arsehole in your home.
Your grandson doesn't need to witness his Mum being punched in the face (God what must that have done to him).
Your DD does not need him coming round and making life hard for her.

In your shoes I would be contacting the police for advice and getting out an injunction banning this dickhead from coming anywhere near the house.

If he wants to see his child he can do that in a contact centre.

And overnight or weekend visits? With a man who is known to be violent would be a case of over my dead body. What might he do if your DD has pissed him off? Would your grandson be safe?

JakeBullet Thu 11-Jul-13 06:03:35

Another thing having read the tread and seen your other posts.....his violence is escalating.

Also don't minimise the effect that witnessing all this tension etc will have of your grandson. I see no evidence that you ARE minimising this but just keep it in mind. It isn't good for him and the last thing he needs to have as his main male role model is a violent abuser.

I am seriously scared for your DD. He is an abuser and evidently has no insight into his behaviour.

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